Social Intelligence

[Bathsheba]

From Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman:

We are wired to connect.

Neuroscience has discovered that our brain's very design makes it sociable, inexorably drawn into an intimate brain-to-brain linkup whenever we engage with another person. That neural bridge lets us impact the brain and so the body of everyone we interact with, just as they do us.

Even our most routine encounters act as regulators in the brain, priming emotions in us, some desirable, others not. The more strongly connected we are with someone emotionally, the greater the mutual force. The most potent exchanges occur with those people with whom we spend the greatest amount of time day in and day out, year after year particularly those we care about the most.

During these neural linkups, our brains engage in an emotional tango, a dance of feelings. Our social interactions operate as modulators, something like interpersonal thermostats that continually reset key aspects of our brain function as they orchestrate our emotions.

The resulting feelings have far-reaching consequences, in turn rippling throughout our body, sending out cascades of hormones that regulate biological systems from our heart to immune cells. Perhaps most astonishing, science now tracks connections between the most stressful relationships and the very operation of specific genes that regulate the immune system.

To a surprising extent, then, our relationships mold not just our experience, but our biology. The brain-to-brain link allows our strongest relationships to shape us in ways as benign as whether we laugh at the same jokes or as profound as which genes are (or are not) activated in t-cells, the immune system?s foot soldiers in the constant battle against invading bacteria and viruses.

That represents a double-edged sword: nourishing relationships have a beneficial impact on our health, while toxic ones can act like slow poison in our bodies.

Virtually all the major scientific discoveries I draw on in this volume have emerged since Emotional Intelligence appeared in 1995, and they continue to surface at a quickening pace. I intend this book to be a companion volume to Emotional Intelligence, exploring the same terrain of human life from a different vantage point, one that allows a wider swath of understanding of our personal world.

When I wrote Emotional Intelligence, my focus was on a crucial set of human capacities within an individual, the ability to manage our own emotions and our inner potential for positive relationships. Here the picture enlarges beyond a one-person psychology?those capacities an individual has within?to a two-person psychology: what transpires as we connect.

Take, for example, empathy, the sensing of another person?s feelings that allows rapport. Empathy is an individual ability, one that resides inside the person. But rapport only arises between people, as a property that emerges from their interaction. Here the spotlight shifts to those ephemeral moments that emerge as we interact. These take on deep consequence as we realize how, through their sum total, we create one another.

From the prologue to Social Intelligence

[Bathsheba]

I think it's really interesting that our relationships can affect our health so profoundly.

I also was reading in Melbourne Child that highly emotionally and socially developed children can be "gifted" just as academically gifted children are. That really made me think. Whilst my 14yo DD is very much an average student when it comes to her school subjects she is amazingly capable in her social interactions with people. This is something that not only makes me proud but is quite a relief as I was quite shy at school. And even better her school values her social intelligence and has suggested she undertake a leadership course. At the last parent teacher interview I expected to hear lots of concern about her grades... not so... they seemed to want to focus more on praising and extending her social intelligence! Amazing how far the school system has come since my day at school.

[smiles4u]

Wow Bath i can't explain what level of relief that feels for me to hear about your DD ... I too was incredibly shy at school, though take me out of the classroom i was the opposite with school friends, i could actually do a one-woman comedy show for them at recess break & cringe when i got ask to do the same thing in drama class.

Anyway, getting to my point ... my 3 year old DD is incredibly sociable with people of all ages, she can strike a conversation up with anyone ... she has been like it as long as i can remember. Because DP & i were so shy as a child and as a teenager we decided long ago we would do all we could without being pushing to encourage DD with her social interactive skills & try best we can to preserve & nuture them in her.

I grew up with a Mother who cruelly made every effort to make me conscience about whether i was of low intellect or not??, if i could succeed in 'anything' in life, right down to my physical appearance (such as am i overweight or do i need a tan). Also she made me paranoid of whether people would value me as worthwhile

Luckily for me (without any support from family) at a young age i remember believing within myself & feeling my own Mother could possibly not be telling me the truth (which obviously one's Mother would) BUT i DID know my Mother was extremely different to others ... as to put it simple i feared her. I managed to float above it all and educated myself without my parents help ... hell, i even did a modelling course & went onto do some modelling

So, i guess what i'm trying to say with my having experienced those feelings i am going to do my hardest for my DD to not experience similar feelings for as long as possible (meaning chances are someone else might in the her future which is sadly likely to happen).

Thank you Bath i so needed to know that the schooling system can nurture & more importantly praise that skill within a student. Fingers crossed DD will carry that wonderful social skill by the time she is in school

[Bathsheba]

Your relationship with your mother really resonates with me Lorelle, uncanny the similarity. I too observed that my mother was different to a lot of the other mums, and at quite a young age. Unfortunately I could see even as a 7 year old that my mother really struggled socially. She was very abrupt and tactless... she called it "being realistic" and "calling it how it is" but her attitude really alienated people. Sometimes I could see a strange look in the eyes of other mums when they found out I was her daughter... it was like "hmmm, like mother like daughter? She'll probably turn out to be just the same" Well that was how it seemed... might not have been true I guess. It seems I have spent a good portion of my life desperately trying to prove that I am actually nothing like her. Probably sad that I have to think that way. Still... she makes life so hard for herself... and now she is growing old alone which is terrible... but what can you do? The regular interactions I have with her generally are upsetting. And after reading this article about how long term relationships, if they are toxic, can actually impact on your health I'm starting to worry. I do actually have an immune disease (Graves) which I'm wondering is a result of this constant stress in my life with my mother. It's not that I wish to lay blame... ultimately it's up to me to process things from as healthy perspective as I can.

Thanks for contributing to this thread Lorelle It's wonderful to have a place of mutual support.

With regard to my DD's school though... she attends an independant school... an Anglican Girls' School and they do have a tendency to approach things in a slightly different way to most schools... they are quite progressive. I just hope that I can find as good a school for my sons.

[smiles4u]

Such a helpful tip there Bath about your DD's school as my DP & i have spoken about the 'not' wanting to send our DD to a regular public secondary school here in Ballarat as the 4.5years we have lived here we have come to realise that lower/middle class & basically the ferals can ALL go to the same school here ... Let me explain what i mean ... um, lets just say in Melb the ferals live suburbs away from you BUT in Ballarat you can live in a really nice pocket here but have ferals living in the rented house next door (truely the *only thing* we simply can't stand about living here)

So, DP & i have considered maybe a Catholic school as my older sister & BIL are secondary school teachers and have their son at a Catholic secondary school (which is not where they teach). DP & i are not religious so it's not the religion of the school we are primary interested in ... it's just from my nephews wonderful experience & the recommendation of my sister & BIL that has encouraged us also. DP has a co-worker that neither her or his wife are religious & there DD goes to a Catholic school in Melb. Anyway, i'm don't how it all works ... see how we go when the time comes

Bath what can i say about 'our' Mums ... WE AINT LIKE "EM !!!!! ... That makes you & i the lucky one's ... and more importantly we have survived & are still here. At 16 i nearly ended my own life because of my very own Mother making my life so unbearable in every aspect, i had NO escape & at the time it seemed like the best option ... how damn sad for a teenager to have to consider that ... also i had to prove to myself i was strong & never went through with it ... also i had a younger sister to protect whom when i was 19 tried to get custody of her (she was 14) but couldn't as i wasn't on an adult income & couldn't afford a two bedroom place on my own BUT at least i tried ... and she moved out when legally old enough & lived with me

As for older sister she was too caught up in her own life out of home & visited us only a few times a year, never asking how i am, etc ... Well, as the old saying you can pick your friends BUT you can't choose your family !!