Opinions please!

[Tecopa]

Hey all

I was just looking for some opinions on my situation. I'm seven months pregnant to a married man ( I know, I know. *Head*.*Wall*) who already has two children and a wife and a grandmother who I think is pretty important in his life. He comes from a culture that I suspect may value the male son over anything, and probably also is quite strong about "family".

So far he has ignored the pregnancy, denied paternity, told me he wants nothing to do with the situation and won't reply any longer to emails. It's not his reaction I'm so worried about. I am open to him playing a role in the kids life but it seems that's not to be so far.

I'm having a son soon and I'm wondering what I should do. Bare minimum I want to send an email with details of the birth.

But..do I tell Centrelink I know who he is? I'm a little worried that if offical Child Support letters start turning up at his wife or grandmother's house then all hell may break loose - what if those women influence him to do something about it all - go for custody or cause a big fuss? I'm so protective of this kid-to-be I'm not sure I should say anything to Centrelink - just deny I know who the father is, and sign all the stat dec and whatever needed.

Off course it's not fair I wouldn't get child support - I do know enough about him to provide details I think, but how to you weigh up the chance for a bit of money to the possibility it all gets ugly really quickly with his family. I mean maybe it wouldn't happen...and maybe years down the track it could happen even if I don't go for child support - it's all such an unknown.

Also...any suggestions as to what to tell my son as he asks about a father - I don't want him to feel rejected by a man who showed no interest but I don't really want to lie and make up stories about Daddy being dead or something.

[briggsy's girl]

ultimately it is your decision to do what you feel is best - however, if you go the "paternity unknown" path with centrelink/CSA be prepared for some heavy questioning about how the pregnancy came about etc (one night stand). keep in mind - you've already had communication with him so he knows you are pregnant and who knows what he has said to his wife (or what she may find out in the future)

there is a hell of a lot to take into account when deciding custody IF he got narky with you (and it has to be him - nothing the rest of them can do to be honest).

good luck making your decision

BG

[*LittleMissSummer*]

I agree with mis_tree that its unlikely that he will change his mind when your son is born. He may just be thinking that ignoring you that he can go on with his life. Males are very stupid in that way, of course he can't just move on, he got you pregnant and he should stand up and be a man but unfortunately it never goes that way.

I honestly think that for your sake and your sons that you don't try for child support, if he is going to deny your son then your son is better off not knowing him at all, my brothers father has denied being his father but yet is in his life... he wont sign his birth certificate and my mother is totally against having "unknown father" on his birth certificate but she's had to register and sadly thats whats going to be on it.

But despite that you will be eligiable for the single parent pension.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but at the end of the day don't press too hard as it will just hurt you, and as for telling your son about his father just say it didn't work out and then when he is old enough to understand you can go into detail.

Good luck

[Ella]

Ok this is just my opinion.....

Let's say you don't tell your little boy who his daddy is and say he is dead or overseas or whatever.... what happens in 18 years when he hires someone to help find his daddy and then they do find him and he lets on that you knew all along... are you ready for your son to hate you for never telling him? Not saying this would definitely happen but there is a chance.

Also he is always going to look at you and think... my mum had me on a one night stand blah blah blah. This is what you will have to tell centrelink and everyone else and you will have people look at you funny and you will try to explain things.

If it was me I would just be honest, I know its easy for me to say but still.

I know you are worried about him going for custody, but if you can give this beautiful boy a safe place to live food to eat and a loving environment chances are you are not going to have him taken away from you.

As for his wife and family. He chose to be with you, you did not strap him to a bed and force him to have unprotected sex (I hope) therefore he needs to take responsibility. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying this because your son has a right to a life where his father contributes to his schooling and living costs. He should pay centrelink and yes you will have to get a paternity test, but if he managed to be with you without his wife knowing I'm sure he will manage to do this without her knowing.

And that's another thing. You don't need to be ashamed of the position you are in. From the way you wrote before it seems that you don't really feel like you have any rights here, but you do. If his wife finds out, which she may do at some point stand up for yourself. I'm sure you are not a bad person and did not deliberately set out to get pregnant to a married man, you might be the 'other woman' but don't forget you are still a very worthwhile woman in your own right!

Don't let his shame and secrecy dictate the way you raise your beautiful little boy becuase he deserves more than that. You deserve more than that and being a mum is hard nough without living for the rest of your life trying to cover up a secret because you put this man who takes no responisbility for himself above your and your son's needs!!!!

[briggsy's girl]

sorry, just want to elaborate now that i'm not feeding DD

ultimately it is your decision to do what you feel is best - however, if you go the "paternity unknown" path with centrelink/CSA be prepared for some heavy questioning about how the pregnancy came about etc (one night stand). keep in mind - you've already had communication with him so he knows you are pregnant and who knows what he has said to his wife (or what she may find out in the future)

Centrelink will expect you to have a meeting with a social worker to discuss paternity unknown - it is up to the social worker to put a maintenance exemption on your file - if there is reason to believe you may know who the father is, you will be expected to follow up with legal aid to have paternity testing carried out.

keep in mind that,if his wife does find out, and decides to be a vengeful person, all it takes is a phone call to C'link to notify that you know of paternity. anyone who knows of your situation can "dob you in".

the federal government (rightly so) have set out to make sure that the wellbeing of children is seen to by BOTH parents. for some, where violence etc is involved, it removes the person from the picture altogether - but in situations such as this, it really is a case of this man being financially responsible for his child.

there is a hell of a lot to take into account when deciding custody IF he got narky with you (and it has to be him - nothing the rest of them can do to be honest).

having said this, i was referring to shared care etc. if the grandmother finds out, she can take you to mediation and on to court to be granted access to her grandchild. extended family have been given legal rights to have access to children and, no matter the relationship between you and dad, she can fight for it.

good luck making your decision

BG

[widdly]

what an awful situation to be in hun

My sister slept with a guy a couple of times on the weekends and it ended up in a pregnancy. She told the father but he ignored her. When bub was born she sent him a text telling him about bub, he sent a text back saying that he never wants to acknowledge the child. So, my sister told Centrelink she didnt know anything about the father (which wasn't too far from the truth!) She had to have an interview to convince Cetrelink that she didnt know the whereabouts of the father.

That is her experience.

I hope things work out the best they can for you and bub x

[georgiegrl]

I grew up without knowing my father and i always resented my mother for not "trying to make things work" or at least trying to have a friendship with him so that I could have known my father..... that was until I had my son..... I now know that my mother did the right thing by me all those years ago.. and probably for herself as well... My mother did it on her own but she was happy, she didnt have drama and was able to raise me the way she wanted.. she did not put my fathers name on my birth certificate so that if he did come back he could not get custody.. however that did mean she got no child support.

I know wish I was able to have that opportunity, my ex and i split when my son was 2 months old and he is now almost 13 months old and we are still always arguing and im constantly fighting to get any kind of money from him, he lies to the CSA and puts his new gf before his son... i pray everyday that he would just walk away as I would feel alot better... sometimes its easier to do it on your own.. this guy clearly does not deserve you or your beautiful son you are going to have... save yourself the drama and step back... thats what I have done.. i no longer fight with my ex for money or have daily fights.. i have given up on him and my life has never been happier.. sure the loss of money is hard on me but i would rather be happy and have less money than miserable and extra cash in my wallet...

Good luck in what ever decision you make.. as long as you are happy that is all that matters...

[Tecopa]

Hey everyone

Thanks for the opinons from everyone and especially Georgie - you now have experienced both sides which is a pretty unique perspective.

I'll keep thinking it over - in the meantime I'm doing lots of work to make sure there is a great support network for my son and I, including lots of male role models. Although it's not the ideal situation to have a baby in I think my son is very much going to be loved and wanted by many people - I can't wait to meet him!

[Visitor8]

I've been through a similar situation with Ashtons father. We were together, I got pregnant which was a mutual decision, and he left. When Ashton was born he said he wanted a DNA test. I gave him 3 months to organise it...

Eventually I filed with CS, they refered me to a Child Support Lawyer who ordered DNA testing, once that was through CS contacted him and started collecting on my behalf.

Ashtons father now has visitation, which is what I did want, I wanted him to know who his daddy was even if he was being horrible in the beginning. I know he will appreciate it later, as will Ashton.

Personally I would go forward. They wont remove him from your custody, especially not a little bubba, but he can go for some visitation. I wouldn't want to be the one your son hated later on for not initiating that relationship with him and his father. I also wouldn't worry about how ****ed the family is going to be, that is an issue HE should deal with, HE is the one who should be forward with his family and face what he has done to his wife. I don't think you or your son should suffer.

Also I wanted to add that you wont get FTB at the full rate unless you are collecting child support.

[OneontheWay]

I am in a similar situation. I started seeing an ex-boyfriend who is now married. It had been 10 years since we dated but we seemed to slip into it quite easily, and started with lunches, coffees etc because we work for the same company.

I am now 26 weeks pregnant. I told him the week I found out and after 4 days of his trying ever tactic to have me end the pregnancy (begging me to terminate, blame that I was going to ruin his career, accusations, guilt that he and his wife are currently "trying" to concieve") I told him that I needed 2 weeks of no contact to try and get my head together. I then wrote him and email letting him know that I was keeping the baby. During this time I saw a counsellor to help me deal with my own feelings about it.

We have had no contact since I sent that email. I have since sent him another one advising him that the baby is a boy, my due date, when I go on maternity leave and letting him know that if he decides at a later date that he would like to be involved we can work out an arrangement. I have tried to keep the emotion out of it, and just laid out the facts. I also told him that we need to make a decision regarding the birth certificate as there are implications either way for both of us. The reality is that I want his name on it, and I want him to acknowledge his child, but I dont know where I stand legally with this as it will require a DNA test. My understanding is that I cant just "say" he is the father unless he signs the birth registration papers. I asked that he let me know by the end of October, which gave him 7 weeks to think about it.

[livvy]

hey hun. i hope that everything is okay now..

what a d*** your bub's father is for trying to make you terminate. i have to say i think you did the right thing by seeking counselling. and what you are doing now is incredibly brave.

my ex is the father of my boy, and he's been pretty horrid about it most of the time, but things seem to have chilled out a bit now. it took until about where you are now for him to stop being a total w***** and is now just mostly a w*****. but honestly, if the father of your is still being that way then it's probably unlikely to change in the near future. i don't honestly know what to say about whether you tell the csa who the father is, i have had a lawyer tell me that i can not put bub's dad on the birth cert and give up support, but then also deny him guardianship (which is tempting), but i just don't think i could do that without guilt.. he's never been a violent man, and he said he wanted to be part of bub's life. he has put his new gf first in his life though, and denys that he does this. but i sat him down and through a lot of tears (damn hormones!) have managed to make him see that maybe he has been doing things that he said he would never under any circumstances do, ie: be just like his s*** awful dad.

so i think as far as i can go is to put him on the birth cert and just hope to God that he doesn't stop me from living my life.. i think your ex needs to understand that he too has done this thing and now is going to be a dad, and it's just fate that it is not with his wife first. he needs to take a good hard look at why he cheated on her, because to make you feel guilty etc is really not fair. he's just as much responsible for bub as you are. i think that maybe you should call the csa and just get some advice before bub is born. you've got a bit of time left. just to see if you can simply say that "he's this man but he has denied us. i don't want to pursue him, but if you (the csa) do then so be it."

you've got to look after you and bub too. it's not just about him and his wife. who knows maybe it's not something that'll work out for them in the long run anyway.

sorry that this was a bit of a rant.. am still trying to organise my thoughts i guess.. sorry if none of that was remotely helpful.. take care hun. x

[briggsy's girl]

i think it needs to be said that as kids grow up, dad's circumstances might change - and all of a sudden he decides he wants access/shared care etc. and they can make life difficult if they show up when your child is a bit older

i would do all you can to prove paternity now - if he decides to be a deadbeat, so be it - at least your child won't hold it against you that you KNEW who their dad was and didn't do what you could to establish a relationship. it is definitely better for you and your relationship with your kidlet (long term) for them to know you tried. the last thing you want to do is to know that the dad is a deadbeat that doesn't want access but not have the proof (CSA/court docs) to prove it to a teen child who's "good time" dad has just arrived on the scene sprouting crap about you... i've seen it happen to a friend (similar circs to you) whose DD is 15-ish and her "dad" just appeared on the scene saying that the mother was lying about him, he never knew about her blah blah blah - not pretty

[livvy]

thats what i'm thinking. i had a really good relationship with his family right up until he took it one step too far and really seemed to be making a concerted effort to make my life difficult and rule bound.. and then when i agree to meet him to talk about it i say these are the conditions of this discussion 1. he cannot speak to his gf while he and i are talking because it undermined the serious nature of the discussion, and 2. that he make his whole day free, that i would say when the meeting was over because i knew that i would be emotional and need extra time to try and get out what i had to say in a way that was understandable to him. he sits down and starts accusing me of playing games and having rules so i could indulge my power trip blah blah f****** blah blah blah. really not helpful. but we managed to make an arrangement that seems to work so far. he asks about appointments when they happen, and i tell him if anything unscheduled happens.. he still puts his gf first because my and bub "put strain on his relationship" but now him and his family can't say that i want obstructive at all. he's the one who can't share his mind..