Suggestions for helping my 7 year old to deal with his grandad's passing

[kas]

Just thought i would put it out and ask for any suggestions.
My dad passed away in June 11 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. My son was told that grandad was sick and we were not sure if the doctors could make him better. As time went on and we knew nothing could be done we told DS that Grandad was so sick that the Dr's wouldnt be able to make him better. From memory this was about 4 weeks before he died. We discussed the reasons why and what would happen seeing as though they couldnt fix him. At that point DS seemed to be doing ok. The day he passed i told him that "Grandad will probably go to heaven today as he is very very sick" he said "If he gets there in time he will get to see me in the class assembly". At the funeral he was ok until they put dad in the herse and he was leaving. I think that was the point that it really hit home for him.
As weeks went by we kept talking about grandad and how we had to give grandma extra cuddles now and that grandad could still see us from heaven and see what we were doing. He was withdrawn and upset at times and would have a cry and ask for a hug saying that he "misses grandad". The best i can do is comfort him and say that Grandad would not want us to be sad as he is no longer sick. I let DS choose a photo to have in his room, he chose the last photo we all had as a family taken last christmas with my brother and his wife and kids, our family and my mum and dad. I noticed if he was upset he would lie on his bed and hold the photo.
In the last few weeks he has been using the "I'm sad" as a reason not to do work at school (only a few times) and at home. The thing is that i am just not sure if it is genuine as such or he may be starting to use it as an excuse. Its not really something you can prove or judge, how someone really feels IYKWIM. Then last week he was saying he hates who is is and whats happening and was even banging his head on the desk at school saying he was sad.
I have been in constant communications with his teacher and the pricipal since dad was diagnosed so they could keep an eye on him. I have asked if the councellor at school could talk to him about his feelings and just a general chat. This should hopefully happen tomorrow. I am just at a loss on how to help him along with dealing with it myself and keeping an eye on my mum.

Any suggestions would be more than welcome.
Thanks for reading

[CrystalBoo]

I haven't been in this situation but to me it sounds like you are doing all the right things. The school counsellor idea is a great one - hope it really helps. Can you ask him/her to give you some pointers, leaflets etc., as well?
If you google the phrase 'helping kids deal with grief', a lot of websites come up that might have helpful tips.
Hope some time makes it easier for your whole family.

[mrsmac]

Its a tricky one because you are grieving as well and there are so many emotions in the house.
My mum died when DD1 was 10, she was very very close to mum and was really upset by her death. We made a book together of photos of her and mum, we chose a star which we said was Grandma and went and said goodnight to her at night.
Hopefully the school counsellor is a good one, usually in NSW public schools cousellors are there for academic testing/remedial/behavioural problems etc not as much for this kind of couselling and sadly as a teacher I have met many many of them who would not be much help IYKWIM?
I would try not to let him get away with not doing work etc, grief is real but sadly children sometimes know how to work it to their advantage sometimes, I know DD did on occasion.
Lastly hugs to you, its a very hard time and you need to look after yourself too.

[christy]

I think the counsellor at school is a fantastic plan of action. They will have a good idea on how to help children get through grief. Often having something like a photo or something is perfect to give them something to hold onto, also telling him how you have gone through the grief yourself.

I am not someone who has done counselling, but one who has been through death as a young girl and young adult. I found that when my family were most able to say "You know, I don't know... this sucks" was when I felt like it was more real and okay to feel that way as well. not an easy thing to go through, or to watch your child go through as well.

[mrsmac]

Good point Christy, I was very honest with Jess, I told her I was angry mum and died and that I felt it wasn't fair.

[kas]

Thanks ladies,
DS appears to be doing well. He has met with the school councillor (not that he has told me this, she called just to let me know she had spoken with him and she explained she wouldn't tell anyone what he said but he could tell people if he wanted to)

When my mum was away recently she found a kids book "when a grandparent dies, a guide to grief" and said to me to bring it out next time he has a moment. Well he hasn't, so i am not sure if i get it out for him and risk his emotions being dug up or let it be until and if he does have another moment.

Anyways, thanks for your feedback and advice.

[AngelPunks]

glad he's seen the counsellor

but something that could help is to get him to write a letter to his grandad, about what he is feeling, how much he misses him - he can put the letter at his grandad's graveside or keep it somewhere safe.

Also remind him that even though his grandad isn't here on earth, that his grandad will always be with him and in his heart, that his grandad is watching over him like a guardian or a protector and that he can talk to his grandad at any time to ask questions - that he may not get the type of answer he expects (his grandad speaking to him) but he could get a sign - like an unusual rock or something like that.