Kids fighting driving me insane!** Long vent**

**Feijoa Mum** · August 25th, 2009, 06:10 PM

It certainly doesnt help that it has been so hot again today, but I have just lost the plot with two of my boys.
DS12 and DS7 are so alike they clash something shocking

Anything and everything is cause for arguments for them and lately they have been physical with each other. Now I know kids fight, I did with my siblings and I now feel so sorry for my parents for it, but these two are just diabolical.
Ds7 is caught in the, wants to be a big boy stage and can at times be very annoying. He thinks he knows it all (what 7 yr old doesnt think that) and has to have the last word.
DS12 is in the throes of puberty and thinks everyone sux. He is craving independence and acceptance from his mates. He can be very mature in some things but then lets himself down with silly things which in turn limits his freedom.

Dh and I have tried to everything to try to sort this out but nothing is working. With both of them we have done the whole your older ignore him (with ds12), come to us and we will deal with him, grounded him when he hits his brother, begged, reasoned, yelled, taken priveledges off them
Ds7 has now started crying and making a big deal over everything even when he is the instigator.
Today they were home from school 5 minutes before they started fighting over who was going to put their bread in the toaster first and it started a fist fight. I tried to let that one go as been tired hot and hungry so no one was allowed toast and situation was diffused.
Now I have just screamed the house down and sent them both to bed with no dinner because another fight started when ds7 "accidently" (very questionable) hit his brother with the cricket bat while his brother was yelling at him to stop swinging the cricket bat around. Ds12 took offence and whacked him back!
Obviously two sides to that story but thats the gist I got and lost it.
So anybody have anything new I could try? I am seriously open to anything!!!
Wonderful BB ladies send me your positive parenting vibes to help me deal with my children

**BrightSparkles** · August 25th, 2009, 06:33 PM

No suggestions but lots of

Hope someone will be in soon who can help you out.
xx

**Tinks** · August 25th, 2009, 07:00 PM

No suggestions here but just wanted to let yuo know my 2 are exactly the same. I feel for you

**Nadine216** · August 25th, 2009, 07:22 PM

Now don't shoot this down before you try it ... I have not tried it, BUT it sounded like a good idea AND I'm storing it in the messyfile room in my brain.

What do both of them like? Or what can they do that they have to work as a team, but that each have their own "skill" that they bring towards reaching the same goal? Like DS7 likes to say ... write funny poems and DS12 likes heavy-metal (I know God forbid) ... then ask them to write a song together and let them act it out for you and DH and make a huge fuss over them being so good at working together.

I saw it on TV *runs and hide* that is why I say I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not.

Eww reading that back... does not sound too good.

Otherwise ... get them into training to box and let them have it out in the ring ... under supervision and where they can learn how to apply self-control ?????????

Goodluck, I can't imagine having to break up a fist fight between my own kids ... that must, in the words of a 12 year old ... SUCK

**HarveyBub'sMum** · August 25th, 2009, 08:08 PM

don't have kids myself but my SIL has a great trick. Her twin 8YO sons have a set bed time, every time they play up, bed time comes forward 30 minutes. So bed time is 8pm, then 7.30, 7 etc. One time she sent them to bed at 4pm! but it worked! LOL

Might be worth a try?

**Inertia** · August 25th, 2009, 08:14 PM

Oh Stacey, you tell me and we'll both know!

Mine are the older two and they argue and fight and whinge and ***** about absolutely everything. So bloody antagonistic towards each other too!

Sad but true, I have discovered that most incidents are thanks to some form of selfishness. Such as the toaster incident - me me me.

The rest of the time its when Angie is trying to be the parent. Such as the cricket bat incident.

So how do we deal with these two problems? At the moment a big one is making sure I am paying attention enough to hear Angie throwing orders around - even if it IS something I would say - and reminding her I am the parent. Then I deal with what she is pushing them around about. Sometimes him thumping her back helps me re-enforce that its my job to tell them others whats what. "See, if you had told me and let ME be the parent, it wouldn't have happened at all."

And yes, when its a selfish cause - both lose to learn humility. So no toast for either. Fighting over whose gets to watch what movie first - neither movie goes on. Keep that up with absolutely everything, even things that exclusively belong to one of them, I am hoping it means they will learn to come to an agreement themselves amicably because they both know they wont get it if they fight.

Persistance, patience. Good luck to us both!

**aussienic** · August 25th, 2009, 08:40 PM

Sorry I have so suggestions here but my sons do the same thing they are younger but I can see as they get older I will be dealing with these situations as well..

**Feijoa Mum** · August 26th, 2009, 09:31 AM

Thanks for your replys guys. This morning was strangely quiet. They are both raaaahhhhh with me so they werent speaking to me or to each other either. Breakfast was all over and done with very quickly as I presume they were both starving

hahaha that will teach em.

Inertia it is alot to do with Corban thinking he is soooo much older and wiser so therefore he is the boss. Its hard for him I guess because we do use him as an extra pair of (parental) hands when needed. Like asking him to take Scout for a walk while im trying to get dinner sorted. We make sure he knows how much we appreciate it and I guess he keeps that "hat" on even when not asked to.

Like the early bed time idea Harveybubsmum. It was very peaceful having just two of them at the table last night, but I honestly think some days they would not be allowed out their beds in the morning because they would lose so much time. I used to joke they fought over fresh air but it is seriously like that sometimes.

Nadine it is a great idea in theory but unfortunately it would never work with these two. They cant be in the bathroom together to brush their teeth so there is no way they would co operate long enough to complete a task together.

When hubby got hime last night I burst into tears as it really does drain me and makes me feel so hopeless and useless! He suggested we tie them together 24/7 and leave them in a room so they have to sort it and get along.
I suggested we sell them on the black market!!!

(just kidding)

I know one day this will all be a blur on my memory bank but god give me strength to get to that point!

**Inertia** · August 26th, 2009, 02:42 PM

Inertia it is alot to do with Corban thinking he is soooo much older and wiser so therefore he is the boss. Its hard for him I guess because we do use him as an extra pair of (parental) hands when needed. Like asking him to take Scout for a walk while im trying to get dinner sorted. We make sure he knows how much we appreciate it and I guess he keeps that "hat" on even when not asked to.

Exactly the problem here. I mean Angie is only 11 months older than CJ, but it doesnt stop her acting as though its 11 whole years. Sometimes I feel like I have very little to no control over her anymore and the only way to get her to do what *I* ask is to lose my temper, so I can't imagine that its much fun for the young'ens. Its the start of teenagerdom and we are doomed.

I have tried not to be too harsh - I remember when I was moving into the teenager realm, I was a rotten unbearable cow to my younger siblings. I love them all to death now and would do anything for them, but back then - woah, I was horrific.

Thats the thing though - I regret being that way. I have no idea why I was, they never did anything really wrong, I was just mean and nasty for no particular reason. I doubt Angie and Corban know why they are doing it either - but I would hate for either of them to regret it when they are all adults as I do now. I mean, my younger siblings have 'forgiven' me for it but it is still something I have to live with.

And yeah, I have tried talking to Angie about this point as well but it just went in one ear and out the other - like most things these days. Blah.

Right now we also fine them for fighting - fine them WiiDollars - and they use the wiidollars to pay for time on the games machines and computer, or trade them for real money - so having to pay it in a fine is ouchy for them. Unfortunately, they arent always happy to do the chores to earn them so its hard to fine someone who hasnt earnt a thing. Blah.

Just gotta keep trying.

**Bathsheba** · August 26th, 2009, 03:05 PM

I read a quote by some wise old Asian person recently... can't remember who... but it went something like: :"Calm parents invariably raise calm children". Something like that. Well it's really stuck in my mind.

My kids fight too. I have noticed though that it's generally worse when my Dh or I am uptight about something and when we raise our voices over trivial things. I think as parents we set the tone of the house and our kids mirror us.

When i had my thyroid condition really bad last year I was a screaming banshee mum most days... and this is when my boys really started to get into the habit of fighting. Now that I am improving on medication I can almost reflect on things... cause and effect IYKWIM? So I have been recently testing out this old guys saying about being a calm parent... i think there might be something to it. So recently when my two boys have fought I have simply stepped in without saying anything and gently but firmly guided one boy to one room and the other to another room. The laundry is a good place. And then calmly gone to each child. I speak to each separately so that there isn't any injured pride. In a low voice i remind them of what I expect and the consequences of their choice to fight. I remind my 5yo that he won't be getting a treat he was hoping for on the weekend and I remind my 3yo that there will be no dessert for fighting boys... and that if he fights he won't get to help stir the jelly (or whatever, make it more immediate for littlies).

The biggest challenge (I think) is to first stay calm yourself. Divide and conquer. Remind of consequences. Follow through on any threats. Don't make a threat you won't persue. Catch them playing well!!! if in a few hours you hear them co-operating go up to each one and give them a hug saying how much you love it when they work things out together.

Goodluck... count to 10 before yelling. You are the mirror!