Who do you let have a bath with your child?

[ClareBear28]

Help!!!!!

When my son was 4wks old, I came across some photos that my FIL had taken of my MIL in the bath WITH my son.. I was extremely devastated as I hadn't even had a bath with him yet as I was waiting until he was a little older (my In-Laws knew this as we live with them). Even now I am still upset about it as it's something that I can't get back - I should've been the one to have the first bath with him, no-one else... I also don't want anyone else (other than my fiance) having such intimate skin-to-skin contact with Lachie as I believe that is our special bonding time, nobody elses.

To make things worse, when my MIL owned up to what she had done, she admitted to having done it when I wasn't home in the hope that I wouldn't find out - this made me livid! I felt (and still do feel) like she was being sneaky about it as she probably knew that I would've said no if she had asked..

My fiance and I went out for the morning today and left Lachie with the In-Laws and when we came home we found out that once again my MIL had put Lachie in the bath with her - and tonight I found more photos on her camera. I have told my fiance that he needs to have a talk with his Mum and explain that I am not comfortable with her bathing with Lachie, as I believe that she will take it a little better coming from him than me, but now he says he doesn't know what to say or how to say it...

I guess I want some feedback from others as to whether it's a normal thing for Grandparents to bath with their grandchildren - as it wasn't something that happened in my family when I was growing up.. My fiance says he doesn't see a problem with it, but it really upsets me and I just don't like it.
Do you think I'm being silly?

[feeb]

Only DH and I have had baths with DS and to be honest I would be a bit weirded out if anyone else even asked or suggested it.

Growing up we had baths with parents or siblings well also occasionally friends when i primary school.

I think your DH should speak to his mum as it makes you uncomfortable and he is your baby.

[Pandora]

I dont think I would like it either, and its the secrecy part that I dislike the most.
We had baths with cousins the same age as us, when we were toddlers but like 2-3 year olds.
My kids have only had baths with me or DH, or other kids (relatives) their age - DS is 3 going on 4 -- but never without us knowing.

[Amaunet]

TBH it wouldn't bother me - BUT - the fact it bothers you and they are aware of this (cos otherwise why would they be sneaky) makes it a problem for me. YOU are the parent/s and they shouldn't be doing ANYTHING behind your back! (let alone doing it twice) Also - whats with the photos? I know I don't want to see a photo of my MIL in the bath - even if she is holding my son!

[ClareBear28]

Yeah I think you hit the nail on the head rayray, the secrecy part made me so angry! The hardest part now is that my fiance doesn't know how to bring it up - nor what to say.. I have suggested that he tell her that I saw the photos and that I'm not comfortable with it because it's not something that happened in my family when I was growing up, and also I feel that such intimate skin-to-skin contact is bonding time that only Matt and I should have. Do you think this sounds too harsh, or do you have any other suggestions as to what we could say and how we could say it?

[ClareBear28]

Yeah controlfreak, the photos upset me immensely - especially the ones taken when he had his first 'big bath'.... not only did I lose the chance to have the first bath with him, but there's now also picture evidence that I didn't get to share that experience

[Gigi]

i don't like that the deceit that went with it.

It would make me nervous, what OTHER things will they do, knowing full well it's something that you and they disagree on, when you're out of the house.

They are breaking your trust, and disrespecting you as the mother of their grandchild.

i would be livid.

i don't think your baby bathing with a grandparent is terrible.
IF
you knew about it
you had been asked
you and grandparents had discussed it and they stuck by, whatever your decision was

i totally get why you wanted your DS's FIRST bath with someone, to be with you.

I'm assuming you HAVE to live with the grandparents, they don't sound like people you would CHOOSE to live with.

it's the deceit that is the big deal. they know they are in the wrong, otherwise they wouldn't wait until you are out, to be able to get away with it (in the short term).

i don't think you are over-reacting at all.

[ClareBear28]

Thanks gigi, it's nice to know that it doesn't seem like I'm making a big deal out of nothing.. We live with the In-Laws whilst waiting to build, I get along fine with them most of the time, my MIL is a great help (even if she sometimes inadvertently makes me feel a little inadequate when it comes to my parenting skills & quite often speaks through Lachie - which I hate - by saying things like "Daddy shouldn't leave you laying on the lounge like that" or "Nasty Mummy making you wait for your bottle"), it's just the sneakiness that now makes me feel extremely uneasy.

[Daydream Believer]

I would be angry too at the sneakiness. Had they asked & you approved, then different story.

To answer your question only myself, DF & one or 2 of her friends(around the same age) have a bath with DD. I wouldnt want anyone else having a bath with her, they dont "need" to so why should they

[Spring Angel]

I would be furious, especially because she did it hoping she wouldn't get caught.

The only people who have a bath with DS are DH and I or if he has his little friends over they often get in the bath together after being in the sandpit etc. I always, always ask the parent's permission first and never get in with them.

I would be very uset, I don't think you've over-reacted at all. MIL needs to respect your wishes. I think both you and DF should talk to her together. I'd be wanting an appology.

Spring x

[Arimeh]

Yeah I'd be pretty cranky just because of the secrecy issue. Its just a bit weird really. Makes me shudder actually as to what is going through your MIL's head!! lol

FWIW - I think only my mum has bathed with my DS - and it was a shower the other week when she was here and he wanted to have a shower with nanny! Otherwise DD just has a bath by herself or with DS if he is not showering with DH.

[PinkPalace]

i just have this icky image of your FIL taking photos of your MIL and Bub naked in the bath together!

I would be upset too. My DD was almost 2 before i left her with MIL for a couple of hours and i know she wouldnt hop in the bath with her.

But i do know she took my nephew for a swim in the pool and didnt tell my SIL she did it - and she still doesnt know

[squidipa]

Only DH and I have had baths with DS and to be honest I would be a bit weirded out if anyone else even asked or suggested it.

Growing up we had baths with parents or siblings well also occasionally friends when i primary school.

I think your DH should speak to his mum as it makes you uncomfortable and he is your baby.

You took the words out of my mouth so perfectly.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

You poor thing, i would HATE IT if my MIL did this without asking, especially the taking photos and keeping it a secret. how rude!

My DD has had a bath with my SIL BUT SIL had her bathers on and her 2 children were also in the bath with DD, they came before a family party and wanted to help her get ready!
SIL had asked if she could come give her a bath (in her baby bath) but hadn't made it to do it before she was out of the baby bath and as our bath is so deep the only option is for someone to get in with her (normally only DP or I)
The one benefit is our bath is way too deep for MIL and she can't get in or out of it properly...

Hope your DF can have a chat with his mum and it can all be sorted out for you, with no more sneaking around!

[CrazyLady]

Honestly I feel the fact they went behind your back a bit creepy. I mean what else would they do without you knowing? Sorry not meaning to make you paranoid.

You have a right to be angry with parents in law and need to approach them regarding this topic. I think it's awful behaviour purposely going against your wishes.

[Lady-bug]

I don't think you are being silly at all!! I would be furious! I think is totally rude for them not to ask you first. You're the mum, so its your rules!!
Good luck in getting it sorted.

[MamaPan]

I'd be pretty mad... mainly bc they went behind your back. the actual issue of bathing or not is a personal choice
Now that I think of it, I wouldnt like someone else bathing with DS1 or DS2. I have had a bath with DS1, and amw aiting for the chance to do this with DS2. We have both showered both of them. When DS1 stayed at Mum's she showered him, but she didnt get in with him. I was a bit surprised she didnt actually but I think she wasnt sure we would be ok with it.
I think the main issue is that YOU are not comfy with it and they have done it twice behind your back. Anything you are not comfy with in relation to your child should be respected. I think your DF needs to speak to them.
xxx
PS talking through your child is so annoying and also, IMO, really wrong..

[Trillian]

I think that is really wrong and crosses the line. Why did she feel the need to have a bath with him in the first place? Not to mention taking the happy snap of it as well! This is something that really needs to be addressed with them ASAP because like others said, it makes you wonder what else they have done, or would do, behind your back. Clearly there is no respect for you as the parents.