What to do with this scenario?!

[bubno.3]

in our family there is me DH (of 6mon

[Inanna]

Awwww gee wizzo...

Are you asking for opinions? Because I personally would have been outraged if you had said that to my son. Being in a blended family is tough stuff. It's not a picnic. You don't just automatically love the othere children or as you've experienced even like them.

However, parenting decisions HAVE to be made together. You both work and your husband has a right to support his son financially even if you don't agree.

This young man probably realises you don't like him much and keeps low when his Dad isn't around. I think any of us would do that yeah? I know I would. It sounds normal that he comes out when Dad comes home and wants to be around him. He loves his Dad.

He obviously has come from abroken home and it also sounds like he has some difficulty organising himself or being dedicated to study. However, wanting to go on a camp is pretty normal and it is my view that that is paid for as part of schooling. At least it was for me and I do the same for my kids.

I can understand why your husband was upset. You made a parenting decision on your own without consulting him. It sounds like your husband thinks he should pay for his sons camp and you don't. That is a very polarised view and I think you and he need to be on the same page and then present it to the kids.

I remember being a teenager was pretty sucky at times.

I hope you guys can work it out together, peacefully and harmoniously.

[Lulu]

Can I be honest? It should be your partner talking to his son about these things.
FWIW I totally agree with you, and he won't get anything from clink anyway if your incomes are too high.
he will simply fail school and that will be his own fault - take yourself out of the firing line and let DH handle his own son.
You better get some rules sorted about when the kids gets after school jobs etc

[bubno.3]

thanks for your opinion

[Indadhanu]

Just a little OT here but... from what you are saying, it sounds like the LSC would be the best thing for your DSS right now? Bit of motivation, independance and encouragement.

Just something to consider really. I don't know of many kids who would WANT to do a camp like that, its fairly exclusive actually (isn't it?) and personally if I was having a problem with an unmotivated teen, it'd be the perfect place for them to spend a week in their school holidays...

Anyway, thats my bit anyway. I'd rethink the camp situation...??

[kawazuki]

i can sympathise and empathise with you.

we are having some difficult times with my DSS.
but we sat down and made an action plan we were both happy with. we both compramised in it, but feel it will give DSS the stability and consistency he needs.
its gone a bit pear shape now its happened as DH thought His son wouldnt get to strike 3 so wouldnt need to actually implement the punishment.

but we decided it together.

its hard to sit back and watch especiually when its affecting your children.

trust your husband.
talk to him explain why it upsets you, maybe write a letter so its not as confronting and gives him a chnace to digest it and understand it.
ask him to do the same.

[bubno.3]

[QUOTE=~Leasha~;2000598]Just a

[Inanna]

Big hugs... I don't think you shouldn't see your husband - however tackling it the way you have hasn't helped you spend time together.

It is important to work together. I don't know what this camp is - but it sounds like a good idea.
There must only be a afew weeks left of school and then he will have to work or apply for a centrelink benefit.

Try and step back and see it from all sides. I can hear your frustration...

[Lulu]

It is time now to follow through - if he won't get off his butt and get a job he now needs to see the consequences. If it's been 2 years - that's long enough.
BUT - I still stand by the part that it needs to be DH applying the consequences. I get the feeling that he has been the one to let him get away with it for all this time too. I have had the same problem (always someone stepping in so dd never had to go without, therefore never getting off her butt), and it drove me SPARE.

I would absolutely sit down with DH and work out what the expectations are of the kids right now - because the little ones will be watching this scenario...and the rules have to be the same for all, but the blood parent should be the one enforcing it so the kids can't pull the 'you're not my father/mother thing.

In this situation - pull back pull back pull back. State your case clearly to DH and let him sort it out - you will be squashed in the middle xoxoxo

[misty]

I agree with flowerchild.
Furthermore, you are putting yourself in direct competition with this teenager for his father. NOT a good idea, you will not (or at least should not) win that battle. As much as you would no doubt choose your kids over your partner if needed, you cannot expect him to do anything else either. It is irrelevant that he's kid is older.
On the topic of older kids, I think it is particularly important in those situations that the actual parent do the parenting - not the step parent. Because teenagers (particularly an 18yr) is not going to veiw you as having any authority, and will only end up resenting you.

[bubno.3]

Thanks guys ....

[Inanna]

Have yyou thought that he may be depressed? Just a thought. He's obviously had a tough trot with family life - and the sleeping and inertia... Depression in adolescent males is quite high and very real... Maybe somnething to think about.

[kirsty_lee]

Wow, tough one isn't it? On the one hand I think he's 18 years old he really SHOULD have a job. I mean i was 16/17 and I was working 40 hours a week as well as school, but my parents were hard like that. But I tend to agree with Flowerchild on this one (again, get out of my head flowerchild lol) it's really hard because he IS your step son, so unless you guys can work this out and be a team, I think maybe your dh should just handle it, and it's really hard because your working and having to pay for stuff etc. But I know if I had a child and I was married to someone who wasn't the father and they were harping on at them (not saying your doing that) I'd be like 'back off. I hope you guys can find a solution.

ETA:

I would absolutely sit down with DH and work out what the expectations are of the kids right now - because the little ones will be watching this scenario...and the rules have to be the same for all, but the blood parent should be the one enforcing it so the kids can't pull the 'you're not my father/mother thing.

:yeahthat:

[bubno.3]

Have yyou thought that he may be depressed? Just a thought. He's obviously had a tough trot with family life - and the sleeping and inertia... Depression in adolescent males is quite high and very real... Maybe somnething to think about.

yes i have thought of that but he doesnt do it all the time .... its very sparadical the lying in bed all day thing ..... but ill keep it in mind thanks

[Inanna]

Yep it's good to keep it in mind. Depressive symptoms are often sporadic. I hope you guys can work together on this and come through stronger.

[sloane]

i don't have any wise words for your situation but i just wanted to echo leasha & say that lord somers might be great for your DSS...if he's going as a participant it often means he's been nominated by his school as someone who would benefit from going. it might just be exactly what he needs to get him going & motivated.

[bubno.3]

Wow, tough one isn't it? On the one hand I think he's 18 years old he really SHOULD have a job. I mean i was 16/17 and I was working 40 hours a week as well as school, but my parents were hard like that. But I tend to agree with Flowerchild on this one (again, get out of my head flowerchild lol) it's really hard because he IS your step son, so unless you guys can work this out and be a team, I think maybe your dh should just handle it, and it's really hard because your working and having to pay for stuff etc. But I know if I had a child and I was married to someone who wasn't the father and they were harping on at them (not saying your doing that) I'd be like 'back off. I hope you guys can find a solution.

ETA:

:yeahthat:

when i say this to dh that when both of us were 16/17 we had jobs he just turns it back and says 'today is tougher and its not about you "
so yes i will be stepping back from now on

[Inanna]

Bub I just googled this camp.... Truly my love it sounds like something we could all benefit from. It is really really positive that he is even interested in going! I am surprised after reading how he behaves that he is so keen. If it were me I would be bending over backwards to ensure he attends!
Here is some of what it says:

ision:
To be a premier youth leadership and development organisation.

Mission:
Through its many programs and activities, to provide unique opportunities for individuals from different backgrounds to develop leadership and personal skills. It involves a wide range of people, both young and old, in voluntary service.

Values:
tolerance, teamwork, understanding and fellowship in all the Association's programs and activities - and amongst young people in the wider community
trust, care and friendship amongst the members of the Association - and in the wider community
voluntary service to the members, the community and the nation - allied with the concept of "service without (seeking personal) recognition" (prodese quam conspici)
the concept of "Play the Game" in all of the Association's programs and activities - and in the wider community.