why do i feel so guilty

**Pandora** · November 16th, 2009, 07:32 AM

Im sitting at my desk at work feeling very sad i think Ive reaslised I will have to wean DS2 almost completely and i hate the thought of it.
I feel guilty, but I cant do it anymore. Im getting 4-5 hours sleep most nights at max, not because I have to feed him - he happily goes 10 hours between feeds at night - but becuase of the expressing before bed, then getting up at 5 each day, often ealier if either of the boys need to be resettled.
My job is full time, very technical and often stressful or frantic. Long story short, I cant afford to be tired at work. I cant do it on the sleep Im getting now and if i leep goig i wont have a job to come to.

Ive nearly fallen asleep driving in on more than one occasion, and I get here an feel like I want to be back in bed.

There really is no other option. I need to be getting to bed before midnight, but having to express at 10:30/11pm doesnt leave much room for that, and if i try any earlier that that, it doesnt happen - I dont get a let down.

I know its the best thing for us becuase I will be a lot less tirted, cranky and stressed so why do I feel like the worst mum in the world.

**briggsy's girl** · November 16th, 2009, 07:53 AM

it's because you are a good mum that you feel so bad.

through your pregnancy, you were determined to make breast feeding work - and you did. and now that it is, and you have to give it up, not because you can't feed, but because of work, you're feeling like crap. it makes sense

BUT, you have to look at the big picture. your return to work was to do what was in the best interests of your entire family long term. yes, it would be fantastic to be able to continue expressing for O, but you've looked at what is going to be best for all of you

it will hurt - you have succeeded this time around where you weren't able to before - and to make a decision to cut the feeding must be heartbreaking after going through so much to achieve your goals

you have done fantastically to get to this point - all i guess i can ask is if it's still going to be possible to feed keep your supply for maybe a first thing in the morning/last thing at night feed - so that you can continue to feed without putting undue pressure on yourself to be expressing for drinks through the day... O would probably be starting solids soon (if he hasn't already) so will start taking n more solids and less milk anyway... maybe it's a compromise if you can get it to work

hugs rayray

BG

**feeb** · November 16th, 2009, 07:59 AM

Hun you have done a fantastic job to get this far. It doesnt need to be a complete end you could continue BF him before bed and maybe even n morning before you go if you have time. If you wanted to could also express at work and just not worry about late night express.

You are a great mummy and have given him an amazing start.

Hugs good luck you know I am here.

xoox

**Barb Glare** · November 16th, 2009, 08:17 AM

Hi,

It's a hard gig, going backt o full time work with such a young baby. Made harder by having an active 3 year old. I know, because I went back to work fulltime when my first son was 6 weeks old - and worked fulltime for his whole first year. Sometimes the lack of sleep was crushing. There were many times when I thought I would have to wean - but then something kept kept bringimg me back. Reading and talking to mothers there are many ways of tackling this. Have you considered using formula while you are at work and breastfeeding after work and on weekends? What equiptment are you using to express - you deserve the best - is there any time saving you can make there? In my experience mothers always make decisions in the best interests of themselves and their families - so if you feel you have to wean, please don't feel guilty - but think it over and see if there is a way you cab "have your cake and eat it to"

**Butterfly Child** · November 16th, 2009, 08:25 AM

Hun you are doing an amazing amazing job!
i havent really got any great advise as you have just recieved great advise already. just wanted to give you some big hgs

**Pandora** · November 16th, 2009, 08:31 AM

Thanks everyone.

Barb, Im using a medela swing.
Im currently feeding DS2 before work (becuase hes getting up at 5am) expressing twice a day at work, b/f him for his last feed and then expressing once before I go to bed.

So depending how much I manage to express, some days he has 3 ebm feeds and others he has a mix of EBM and formula.

I think its like BG said I just really thought we could b/f longer this time, I had not planned on going back to work this soon and really wanted to b/f for 9-12months

**Junglemum** · November 16th, 2009, 08:50 AM

You are doing a fantastic job Ray, and you're a great mum, don't be too hard on yourself.

**onthefly** · November 16th, 2009, 09:00 AM

I think we judge ourselves very harshly when we fall short of the ideals we set ourselves as parents. But sometimes life conspires against us.

It sounds to me like the current arrangement just isn't working for you guys, and some sort of change is necessary.
Do you have to wean completely? Could you keep bfing when it suits you and use formula at other times? That could at least give you a break from this exacting schedule and allow you to reassess the situation after having a bit of a breather.

There's no place for guilt in decisions you take in the best interests of your family.

**rufalina** · November 16th, 2009, 10:37 AM

I hear you, and I feel your pain. I remember going through those emotions myself when I weaned DS. It was heart wrenching. And I always knew my end date for BF, and you have had to bring your up, so it must be even harder.

As the others have suggested, can you maybe just keep up the morning and night feeds and use ff for the others, to allow yourself that precious sleep time. I know what you mean about not being able to function at work without it...I catch a train, and there are many afternoons when I am almost drift off on it...

Remember to praise yourself for the achievement you have had in maintaining your BF relationship so far, and for the things that you have battled through to get to this point, rather than beating yourself up for needing to move into a new phase for yours and the familys wellbeing.

Good luck with working this out. xo

**Liz** · November 16th, 2009, 10:55 AM

It sounds like it's only the night time expressing that is eating into your sleep (lucky you having a 10hr stretch from bub!!) so could you just drop that and up the formula a bit to cover for it? Would you be happy to keep expressing at work?

I just think it could make you feel worse if you weaned completely only to find that once you've caught up on a bit of rest that you could have kept up some of the expressing/feeds.

Anyway, that's just my opinion.. feel free to ignore

But as others have said, it doesn't have to be complete weaning.. I truly feel catching up on some needed rest can change your perspective. But we all have to do what we have to do. There's no need to feel guilty for it.

Hope you can feel rested again soon (well... as rested as us mums CAN feel LOL!)

**maz** · November 16th, 2009, 11:10 AM

you can only stretch yourself so far hon. Your safety if first and nearly falling asleep behind the wheel babe...OMG please ditch the last expressing!!!!

Would you consider what the other girls have suggested? FF throught the day and express only at work? Atleast it gives you a break from the grind for 10 mins so to speak and your still doing something you quiet obviously love hon.

PLease dont be hard on yourself...sometimes things dont go as we planned...we cant control everything and we need to consider our sanity too.

again

babe..your doing a fantastic job super mum

**BekZ** · November 16th, 2009, 11:33 AM

:hugs: darling. I am feeling your pain right now. I am going through the guilt thing and I am trying my hardest to continue feeding DD but it has come I've come to breaking point. The guilt is so over whelming atm that I just look at Eva and cry because I just can't keep up and on the other hand I feel frustrated because my other girls need me too and I feel like my family is falling apart because I am insisting on bfing. So DH has intervened and we are going to start introducing ff feeds..

You've got some great advice from the other ladies. If you can make bfing work for you and go for as long as you without the stress. I hope you come to a place where you are at peace with what action needs to be taken in order for you to be happy, healthy and functioning.

**Jennifer13** · November 17th, 2009, 08:56 AM

Your sleep is just as important as providing EBM for your baby when it comes to safety.

I think you can adjust what you're doing so you can still do both if you would like to. I also think you've done a fabulous job to keep up with your DS's needs while juggling work!

**Fleur** · November 17th, 2009, 09:16 AM

it's because you are a good mum that you feel so bad.

:yeahthat:

The others have said it all so well... just wanted to lend my support &

.. you have to do what works for all of you. And sometimes what works best all round, isn't what we wanted it to be, KWIM?
And yes, breastmilk is great for babies but it's also one aspect of parenting. You've given him a great start, I don't know how you are doing what you are now! As Maz said, you're doing a great job, don't be hard on yourself.

Bekz

**Liz** · November 18th, 2009, 06:27 PM

How's it going rayray? Hope you've managed to get some extra zzz's and feel better about everything.

**Pandora** · November 18th, 2009, 07:54 PM

at the moment its still the same, except Im trying to express a little earlier in the evening, 9:30 ish
the car is being repaired so Im getting a lift to work for the next fortnight so at least I can sleep in the car.