What to do with this scenario 2 and to update my married life:

[bubno.3]

just to add to my previous thread:

[Lulu]

ummmm, this is your old fwb? And you just kissed him?

[bubno.3]

yes and i stopped it....

[skeetaboat]

I think the suggestions for counselling in your other thread are right on the money. There are deep & complex issues which need the help of a third party to sort through.

It sounds like there are trust and jealousy issues, which, with respect, if you're getting yourself into situations where another male friend feels ok in going for a kiss, maybe DH's feelings aren't unwarranted (not saying you've been unfaithful, just that DH may be justified in feeling jelous and untrusting).

As for his attitude towards you, I think I'd be pretty upset & grumpy within the relationship if it was my son. It *does* sound like you don't like him and you can't wait for him to bugger off out of your lives, which would have to hurt DH's feelings.

As for your SS not giving you and DH any space, I agree with other posters that it's only natural for him to seek out your dad, but you guys also need time as a couple. Maybe you can talk to DH & arrange to get out together a couple of times a week.. or some couple time every night.. set some boundaries (that also respect SS's need for some of his dad's time & attention too).

Re: the work issue, bear in mind that it's a pretty tough job market out there with many businesses still recovering from the GFC, many that won't be looking into hiring until the new year because they close down anyway or don't want to pay people for all the public holidays, coupled with the flood of school leavers competing pretty hard for the few jobs that are going. I personally know several young male school leavers who have been actively seeking work for months with no luck. Also.. I remember after the stress of year 12 I just needed a few weeks (months actually) to gather myself together and figure out my next moves and my foray into this adult world.

Is it just a part-time job he needs to get or a full time one? What are his plans, (if any)? Is he looking? Does he know how to look, apply, present himself, etc? This doesn't come naturally to most 18 year old boys.

What to do? If I were you (assuming you want the marriage to be better) I'd a) distance from the kissing friend & possibly the alleged affair friend; b) sit down with DH to get the boundaries & rules with DS sorted & make sure you're on the same page, but let DH take the reigns for how to deal with him; c) cut DS a little slack. 18 year old boys are horrible creatures sometimes but they do get better and it's such a difficult time in life; d) get into family and/or relationship counselling; e) make sure your contraception is sorted; f) have some romantic getaways if you possibly can to reconnect & rekindle.

Hope that wasn't too blunt. It sounds like things are tough. I guess the most important question is, what do you want to see happen?

[bubno.3]

i just posted in the Boohoo room about everything that has happened in the last 8 mths

[Lulu]

And where are you amongst all of this?

Look hun, it feels as if you are pointing the fingers at everyone else in the house and are yet to think about your part in it all.
It seems you are more committed to fault-finding with sds than anything else. I've not seen you write anything positive about him, I can only imagine what it would be like having to live with someone that picks at you or give a constant air of disapproval. Can you imagine that for a moment? He is still only a kid and motivation isn't born from underconfidence.

You have the chance to be a very positive role model for this boy - do you expect DH to be a good role model to your children? Is is fair to expect the same?

Skeeta brings up so many great points - you have put yourself in a position with someone you know and admit you have feelings about, you have crossed the line with him....I'm not sure why you are so insulted DH accuses you of having a fling with him - he isn't far off the mark after all.

Maybe have a longer look at yourself and your own behaviours and take responsibility so you can fix this marriage. If that's what you truly want.

xoxoxo

[bubno.3]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Jaycee]

Sweet, no one has said that it's only you who has the issues, but you do seem to be making it hard for yourself.
I've read all your posts re your family issues, and judging from the posts, it does sound as if you dislike your SDS. You've called him a lazy so and so and also sounds like you resent the time he spends with his father. He is entitled to spend as much time as he needs with his dad, as you are entitled to spend time with your DH too.
And your DH wasn't far off the mark with the affair thing, granted it was a few months ago that he said it, but you haven't really proved him wrong by sneaking behind his back and meeting this guy and then kissing him.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I felt it needed to be said.
Counselling certainly sounds like it will do you the world of good.
I hope things start to get better for you.
xxx

[Lulu]

I just don't understand why it's necessary for the ex to back off in order for your relationship with your DH to blossom.

I would expect to hear a jealous rant from dh about this too. It's not as if his accusations are completely baseless. No, I wouldn't think you should take the accusations lying down but it seems you are more interested in defending your friendship with someone that 1) you used to know intimately and 2) appears to be the one you go to when things go wrong with your marriage.

You are not addressing his insecurities at all. Imagine how crap dh must be feeling if he truly thinks his wife holds a candle for another.

Turn the tables a bit. Put yourself in your husbands position. If you knew he was secretly meeting his ex for lunch (specifically to talk about your personal issues), that he kisses this woman and that she told him it was clearly because his needs were not being met. How would you take that?

[Cassius2]

hey BN3,

In an understatement of 2009, sounds like it has been a mega year!

I have watched friends negotiate step kid stuff and have had the chance to see it evolve as the kids go from being children into adolescents and young adults. and it really can throw curve-balls galore. kids going through those changes into adulthood and parents watching it happen is a big shift in understanding where your role lies IMO.
On the one hand, it would be ideal to be able to let DS18 'go'. In that he has the independence of age to do what he wills, but at the same time while he is living under your roof there needs to be certain expectations met.

by the sounds of it (ie being able to sit down and chat with him) it does sound as though he is clued in enough to be able to discuss the bigger picture (ie what he would like to see happen for himself for the next year, for the next 5 and so on). but from memory, it is also a highly volatile and vulnerable moment, where the chasm of realising that you are no longer protected by the school and your teachers/friends and community. it can be paralysing.
In my case, my mum had to really hold my hand as i made that transition. i felt so overwhelmed that although i wanted to go to uni, the paperwork and deciding on courses etc was too much to bear. so, mum really had to sit with me 24/7 and go through the forms with me, and go through the lists of courses etc. i remember that it took days and LOADS of tears as i was just scared.

Is there anyway that either you or DH can kinda take him by the hand and help him to think about the jobs he would like to apply for and where to ask etc? Maybe keep it simple for now and just get him into basic employment, like a woolies or coles job (it is amazing how much it boosts self-esteem and provides opportunity for responsibility etc by learning that if you mess up, there are no warnings...you just lose your job...i know that i found it very grounding and rewarding). (oh and BTW, it was, yet again, my mum that did all the running around to get the forms and ask the questions for that job LOL! but at that time in my emotional development it was needed.

Big to you babe xx it aint an easy road to travel, and i am sure that you can all work it out in the end.

[Inertia]

A little random insight on men I have discovered. They will only accuse their partner of cheating under one of three circumstances.

1) You talk about your good friend incessantly. Become cheerier at the mention of their name or are much happier when you run into them than you are when he gets home
2) You tell him you are going out shopping with the girls and either he or a mate of his drives by a cafe and sees you sat down to lunch with a guy (or similar. Caught out in a lie basically).
3) If they do not believe they are worthy of you. They have their own massive self esteem issue that leads them to believe you simply have to be having an affair.

[bubno.3]

I just don't understand why it's necessary for the ex to back off in order for your relationship with your DH to blossom.

I would expect to hear a jealous rant from dh about this too. It's not as if his accusations are completely baseless. No, I wouldn't think you should take the accusations lying down but it seems you are more interested in defending your friendship with someone that 1) you used to know intimately and 2) appears to be the one you go to when things go wrong with your marriage.

You are not addressing his insecurities at all. Imagine how crap dh must be feeling if he truly thinks his wife holds a candle for another.

Turn the tables a bit. Put yourself in your husbands position. If you knew he was secretly meeting his ex for lunch (specifically to talk about your personal issues), that he kisses this woman and that she told him it was clearly because his needs were not being met. How would you take that?

I would sit him down and discuss what the problem between him and me !

[bubno.3]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Lulu]

and then he constantly defends the friendship and continues to see her even though it hurts you and makes you feel like crap?

[bubno.3]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Jaycee]

Bubno3, I don't think Lulu's posts are coming across as angry at all, I think she's just telling you what you don't want to hear.
I really do agree with Lulu, and like I said in my previous post, you haven't really proved your DH wrong when it comes to the affair thing have you?

[Lulu]

Oh I'm not shirty, in fact I'm sitting here with a nice cold one listening to the rain on the roof. The 'power' of the typed word with no facial expression I suppose

I've not been in this situation before but I do feel for your hubby I suppose. He is clearly insecure about this guy and really - going by your past posts about him (the ex) you have really fought hard to maintain the 'friendship', and it seems potentially at the expense of both your marriages.

You defend the other bloke far harder than your hubby. Don't you think dh has real reason to be insecure?

[bubno.3]

Ok your not shirty .....