What Should I Do About This One???

[Bathsheba]

Lucky my 15yo has "friended" me on facebook. I have just sprung her. about an hour ago she asked me innocently; "would you like me to take 6yo DS to the local library for a while?". I thought that sounded like a great idea because all morning 6yo had been fighting with 3yo DS. So I said yes... she is usually responsible. But about 10 minutes ago I sat down to check my own FB updates and saw that she has posted that she was "so bored that I'm going to the end of the Hurstbridge (train) line with my 6yo brother" No way!!!! If anything goes wrong that's waaaay too far away for me to help fast! Here i was thinking they were at the library!!! so call her on her mobile phone (which she can access the internet to, hence her FB update) and told her to come straight home!

Damn I'm cross She also has over 600 FB "friends" and has sent out a broadcast to meet at a local park for her birthday on Wednesday Knowing her over 100 kids will descend on this park. I have been more than accomodating in terms of letting her have friends over... she has been on school hols for 2 weeks now and nearly every day she has either had them over (up to a dozen at a time) or gone out locally with them. this is getting beyond a joke. She is meant to be "grounded" because she failed so many subjects this year due to blatantly not handing in homework... i am such a bad parent to stop her seeing 'her people' though So it seems I can't trust her now I always used to say to people 'oh well, she does some silly things but she is trustworthy'... what a fool i was.

[BrightSparkles]

hmmm hard situation... can you take her phoner off her for a while???

[Ella]

Mmmm this is tough.

I think you need to stand your groudn with the grounding of her. I can remember my mother doign the same thing and it's the only reason I finished school. At that age everyone goes through an " I don't care if my grades suck" stage, but I did end up caring and thank god mum made me do some study otherwise Uni wouldn't have been an option when I did want to go.

As for the friends coming over. Set a day or 2 in the week where that is ok, but also remember to stick to your guns- apart from anything else, that many teenager will eat you out of house and home!!!

[nic]

Oh Bathsheba, you are far from a fool I don't know what to say, sorry... Do you think she is just starting to push the boundaries of your trust in her?

[Bathsheba]

Yes! They DO eat us out of house and home! I have learnt though which foods are cheap and filling for them... I pop my own pop corn for the masses and send that out in my biggest mixing bowl... full!

I am forever confiscating her phone... and i think i need to do it more often. I have to demand it every night before she goes to bed... once she left it on when she gave it to me... it rang all night!!! I didn't answer it... it was fascinating to note what times she had been taking calls!

At this stage the park party is going to be minus a birthday girl. She's staying with me. We'll go into the city otherwise the friends might all decide to decend upon our house to find out where she is!!! Good grief.

I think i'm finding this really hard because when i was her age i had about 3 really close friends and we'd hang out in nerdy places like libraries... and that's it... this daughter of mine is way too popular for her own good!

ETA: oh and thanks girls

Nic: ta darl, don't know... *sigh* she probably has too many freedoms and this is a perverse reaction to it.... not sure.

[*Ang*]

I think the idea about restricting the amount of times she can see her friends is a great start...I know it may be hard on you and you may never hear the end of it, but especially after failing so many subjects I wouldn't be allowing her to now that it is holidays "have the run of the house" so to speak. In my mind there has to be some consequences to her actions and I hate to say it but I think you need to follow through on these especially considering the amount of money and the sacrifices that you make for her schooling.

[Bathsheba]

Too true Ang... we try not to make her feel guilty about the money we spend on her education... but we do let it slip... has zero affect though. She needs to get a job though... many of her friends do. Fortunately we don't feel that we are wasting the money as she does have amazing social skills and confidence that we attribute to her schooling... she just needs to use that confidence in positive, not negative ways like she has done today.

They are home now... time for a more strict version of grounding!

[Trillian]

Doing stuff like that when she is on her own is one thing, but taking her brother with her is an entirely different kettle of fish altogether. You really need to come down hard on her with this one I think - take away her phone and her computer access for a few days because as you would know, they can still live a very full social life from home because everyone they know is only one click away. What she did was really irresponsible and possibly even dangerous - what would she have done had she got 'bored' with her brother? Left him there? Sent him home on his own? As Dr Phil would say, you enable their behaviour by letting them have access to stuff like computers and phones so taking it away is the only way to curb them for a while.

[skeetaboat]

Oh hun, you're not a fool. I don't think any one of us could put our hand up and say that we didn't fib to our parents at some point in adolescence. Even 'good' teenagers who have good, open, honest, healthy, respectful and trusting relationships with their parents don't always tell the whole truth - it's just that they're usually not found out! It's part of the process of growing up to push the boundaries and tell fibs to get around parental control. Adolescents are so focused on themselves, their fight for independence, their image, their peers, etc, that they don't always behave in the ways we have put so much time and effort into teaching them. (frustrating huh?, but I'm sure that most of the time she is a young lady that you're quite proud of and that's where you can see that for the most part, the lessons have stuck).

Re: taking her brother on the train, I would have a big chat with her about why it has upset you that she betrayed your trust and possibly put her little brother in an unsafe situation. Then ask her what she thinks an appropriate punishment should be (if you think that would work with her). I would also follow through on the original grounding. Having friends over while grounded is a pretty easy grounding. Maybe you could take her phone for all but 2 hours of the day while she's grounded.. or maybe that's too harsh, I'm not sure. You will know better than us what the appropriate limits are as you know her best. I think the key is to find the lesson in it, and communicate really well with her about it.

I agree with Ella re: schooling. Is it her social life that is distracting her from school? Perhaps she needs some of her priviledges removed if they are too distracting. It's hard though, you need to find a good balance and not be too harsh because that can incite rebellion, particularly when it comes to friends/social life/image. Boundaries can be good - phone free times, friend free nights or times (eg 6-8pm is homework time or something like that). At the end of the day the best outcome is for her to realise that while her social life is an important part her life, her education is also important and worthy of some time and effort. It's about balance. If she can't realise and/or appreciate that, then you can always pull the card that just as easily as you provide her with the tools to so socialise as much as she does (phone, internet, cool house where her friends want to hang out, etc), you could take them away too. Of course, it's better not to come to that point, but it'd be good to bring her to a point where she can appreciate how good she has it, and that in turn, she needs to knuckle down a bit. Maybe the summer holidays would be a good time to teach her this so she can start off on a good foot next year.

You've ovbiously done some great parenting with her if she's so popular. What's your secret?

[~Kaz~]

Bathsheba. You must feel so disappointed in her. I remember doing similar things when I was a teen to my parents and their lost trust hurt more than the punishment (although being grounded etc hurt too!!). The trust I lost had to be earnt again and that took a while. I remember after blowing the trust, having to negotiate what freedoms I wanted and what I was going to give in return. So mum would give up a little of what she wanted and I would give up a little and neither of us was totally happy but we could both live with the arrangement.

I was the same as Ella - barely got through Year 10. Didn't care about my grades at all. During the holidays, mum grounded me to the house for the school hours and I had to catch up all the work I missed and then come 4pm, I was allowed to see friends, my boyfriend etc. I look back now and am so grateful to her for caring when I didn't and setting limits because I did change my mind about the importance of grades down the track!!

I wonder if something similar would work with your daughter? The problem is that if you push back too hard, she'll likely rebel further. I agree with others that you need to be really firm about this because she involved her younger brother but at the same time, you want to keep communication and negotiation lines open.

Good luck. I'm sure you're doing a great job handling it!

[Miss E]

Oh honey, it's a tough one... I was a horror when I was a teenager and TBH am quite ashamed of some of the things I did (but that is a whole different thread). I was definately one who liked to rebel and the tighter the boundaries the more I pushed them. I understand why you are so upset about her failing subjects at school, it is really important for them to learn how to apply themselves and feel good about achieving things. I do wonder though if perhaps rewarding her for applying herself rather than punishing her for not, might work well (it did for me). By the time the new school year started I couldn't care less if I might get grounded down the track for not doing well. But if there was a big reward at the end for doing well, well then I had a reason to apply myself...

I don't necessarily know what the rewards could or should be. Maybe it is some money that goes into a kitty each week for a big spending spree at the end of the term if she does x hours of homework each day. When she doesn't do the homework perhaps money comes out. Or if she gets pocket money each week, perhaps that is linked to her doing her homework each week, not enough done then no pocket money. Or maybe it's the promise of something special/exciting (yes it would need to be pretty special to motivate for a term, maybe a new phone or a ghd or something like that) that she will get at the end of the term if she achieves a certain result.

I know it is a different sort of approach, but when I was a hideous, rebellious teen punishments just didn't work, all they did was make me antagonistic towards my parents, which made me look for new ways to rebel and ultimately it became a vicious cycle iykwim. But rewards did motivate me and because I wasn't being punished so much I didn't feel the need to push the boundaries or try to escape being grounded because I wasn't being grounded iykwim.

As for the taking her brother out, not sure how to handle that one, it really is a toughie. But I do think that her knowing that you are disappointed in her and that she has damaged the trust will be the most effective way of getting her to realise what she did was wrong. I'm not saying give her the silent treatment (or not quite), but after explaining how disappointed you are in her and the reasons why, a few forlorn/sad/disappointed looks in her direction for the next couple of days could work wonders. GL

[tiggerandpooh]

i'd be going the hard high road of actions have consequences Bathsheba. phone and internet priviledges are just that - priviledges! not a given. Grounded from doing things as a consequence of not performing well at school, means grounded - not having all and sundry over to eat you out of house and home. Sorry to be so blunt but she is taking you for a ride my dear. She is treating you disrepectfully. Would you allow a complete stranger to treat you disrespectfully?

I'm probably coming across very harsh - and that has alot to do with my own feeling frustration at my own children at the moment-the 13 nearly 14yo dd, and 11yo ds - the attitude of ingratitude is driving me mental. The expectation of if you stick your hand out something gets put in it, drives me insane. By the time I was your daughters age I had a part time job, and was paying for my clothes, and extras, like haircuts, hair products and like.

I often find that best reaction I get is when I say what needs to be said, calmly, and explain that I'm disappointed in the behaviour. set the consequences, and then move on. good luck with it. I feel your frustration.... believe me!

[Lulu]

Wow....I can't believe she added you to FB then gave herself away like that

Although I think her and ds would have been fine, I would jump all over her about the big, fate lie. I like the touch about going to the library - she knew you would say yes to that

I wouldn't be bribing her to do homework - all she really needs to do is an hour a day max and it's done with. I would not allow her friends over until the homework is done first.

At least you got her number - if you want to get to this one you have to limit her favourite thing - socialising! Work first - then friends over.
Tell lies, lose the garage privilege for X amount of days.

I'd rip that phone off her at nights - teens need so much sleep it isn't funny and half the reason kids hate school, they are too tired to give a crap

GL

[Tinks]

I agree with Lulu, take her phone away after a certain time each evening. Homework, housework and looking after her brother should come before socialising.

I'd even be inclined to ground her from her birthday party or change it to a party at your house under your supervision with a limited number of friends. AND go through her firends list on FB with her deleting people she doesn't directly know.

[fionas]

Sometimes I think it's hard for teenagers to work out what's acceptable and what's not. I think the train thing is probably just an example of her not seeing things from your point of view rather than deliberately rebelling. She probably thought, "mum lets me go on a train on my own; she's happy to take DS on the train so what's the difference between him being on a train with mum than with me?" Though as you know Bath, in this house we all love trains so I'm probably less worried about a teen and child travelling alone than most people. But the thing is she changed plans without checking with you which is totally not on so that's the point I would make to her.

You have much more patience that I would have re having lots of friends over. I get irritable when I get home from work and DSD has a friend or two over. I just want to chill, not make small talk about whether Supre is a good shop! Definitely try to restrict it to a few days a week for your own sanity and budget!

As far as punishments go, the best one we have is confiscation of the phone. DSD can't live without it. She's not fussed really about pocket money being withheld or computer privileges being taken away but her world ends if she's without a phone.

Good luck!