The year that was....

[BrightSparkles]

Please don't take any of what i'm about to write as offensive... i jsut need somewhere to get my thoughts out... even if it's not in a logical order....

So...
Here it is...Christmas Eve and for sometime I have been reflecting on the year that was. I married my lovely (but also at times, annoying) husband, I started a new job, made some fantastic new friends and made a brand new baby who is growing to be healthy.
But somehow i still don't feel satisfied with anything i've done/achieved throughout the year. Theres still part of me that feels like I should have done more, i should be a better person than I am. I know i'm not a bad person, I just don't feel like a complete person.
I can't even pinpoint why it is I feel the way I do. There are some nights I think about it and feel so down, but then I spend time with DD and I begin to see the amazing little girl she is growing into.

I want to not feel like this anymore. I want to feel complete and happy with the decisions i've made.
I try and talk with DH about it and he just thinks i'm strange and keeps trying to make me feel better...but i still feel like i'm not what everyone else sees me as - a confident, organised person. I don't know... maybe I feel like i'm not living up to my own expectations, just trying my best to live up to everyone elses and feeling like i'm not succeeding. I really don't know.

I'm just trying to muddle my way through things at the moment and find that thing that will make me feel the way I want. I know allot of it is about my thinking - and usually im a pretty positive person, just not sure whats happening to me at the moment.

If you managed to read this and made it to the end and made any kind of sense out of it, well done and thank you.
xxx

[*LittleMissSummer*]

hey hun, i have the same thoughts sometimes. This year for me i can say was nothing i wanted to do, but falling pregnant at the end made it worthwhile. You have done so much this year and you should be so proud of yourself

[lindsaymaree]

I think sometimes we are our own worst critics, and I know I'm always the one that puts more pressure on myself then anyone else.

You've managed to handle a birth, a wedding, a new job and a life in-between, that sounds pretty fantastic to me!! you should be patting yourself on the back

[*Ang*]

I understand where you are coming from...looking from the outside in a number of my friends would comment that I have the "perfect" life/family and yet sometimes deep down within myself I too dont feel 100% satisfied...but trying to pinpoint what it is that makes me feel this way - well thats another thread in itself.

Like lindsaymaree said

I think sometimes we are our own worst critics, and I know I'm always the one that puts more pressure on myself then anyone else.

Sometimes when you are such a positive person you find that you kindof work yourself into a state about your own life and situation...I know thats what I do. I hope that you can muddle this out and in the end you will see that you are doing a great job and that life isnt always perfect but it can be pretty close to it!

[AnyDream]

Nothing offensive at all about what you have written - I think the yearning you feel for 'something more' is an experience that many women have - myself included.

I'm going to put my librarian hat on and recommend a couple of *really* good books:
Something More by Sarah Ban Breathnach
Finding your own North Star by Martha Beck.

Both books deal with a process of discerning what it is that your inner truest self is calling you to be. The search for 'something more' or a sense of inner direction, meaning and purpose, your very own 'north star' to navigate by.