Four months tomorrow my husband and i loss our baby boy "Tre" i was 36 weeks pregnant. We had tried for 2.5 years to conceive, i finally found out i was pregnant the day i was flying to Japan for a skiing holiday! The joy of being pregnant after years of trying taking over my life was unexplainable.
My pregnancy was a breeze. Living in remote northern WA in a town called Exmouth i had to go to Geraldton for my last month for Dr appnts and to give birth. Once i arrived in Geraldton i noticed i had reduced fetal movements and slept way too easily through the night.. my alarm bells started and i phoned St John of Gods hospital and they advised me to drink coke or coffee to get the baby moving. I thought it should be ok only a week ago i heard the heartbeat whilst at the midwife in Exmouth.
I assumed that i was getting big and my baby had less room to move... once at the hospital the midwives tried to calm me down as i starting to panic when they couldn't find the heartbeat. 30min of searching and then a ultrasound, they confirmed our baby had passed (my husband was still in Exmouth 9hours away).
All i can remeber is crying/howling and mum saying not to as she couldn't believe Tre was dead, the dr just said to my mum to let me cry and it then really sank in that my baby was not coming out alive. I had to phone Gav and he spent the next 9 hours driving to a delivery of his dead boy.
I decided not to wait for Gav for the birth, it was hard enough that i had to go through this i just couldn't bear the thought of him seeing me in so much pain. They induced me on the 13th of Sept at midday and after piercing my Dura when giving me an epidural i believe it did not work anyway. The anethasist indicated that i might get a migraine from this but didn't explain properly what pain she had added to my nightmare.
I will not go into to much detail of the birth as it's upsetting to think about, all i will say is that i was proud that i gave Tre a vaginal birth and he was beautiful when he came out and the love was no different from a mother giving birth to a live baby. I held him straight away and only wished i could have warmed him up and held him forever.
The last hour of the birth i did alone with the midwifes (they were amazing a did a huge shift so they could support me) my parents were so supportive but it was a job that i wanted to get done and not make anyone suffer anymore than they already were. Gav arrived 15min after Tre was born into this cruel world and looked like he had cried the whole 9hours... he had wanted this baby so much, it was the first time he found out that we had a boy as we choose not to know!
We had Tre all night and until the next afternoon. The babt crys from the other rooms hurt as our beautiful boy lay lifeless and cold and quite. I cuddled him as much as possible and had photo's and hand/foot prints taken. Our family came from farming communties and Perth and all spent some time with Tre, the first baby on my side of the family.
Tre couldn't have looked more perfect which made this more confusing, so we agreed to have an autopsy. They took Tre away on the Monday afternoon and my arms started to physically ache. By this time i noticed that whenever i lifted my head of the pillow i would get a severe headache/migraine, that when i found out that the anethasist had given me a epidural headache which proceeded to last 10 days (including the funeral) even though they tried to cap it.
The midwifes tried to tell me that my milk would come, i didn't believe that my body didn't know that my baby had died. I thought i wouln't produce milk. I left the hospital after 3 days and within hours my boobs had doubled and the pain... i went to a bra shop the next day with my migraine and the shop assistant asked when my baby was due.
Gav was a tower of strength and organised the funeral, i felt i couldn't deal with anything. Tre's funeral was the first funeral i had ever been to and my sons... he was so tiny in his little coffin and dressed beautifully, my sister said a lovley poem.
My husband and i were lucky enough to have a week at my parents farm which was like a sanctury from the rest of the world. We drove back to Exmouth 2 weeks after the birth and only got 4hrs up the road when i saw an old friend and she heard i was pregnant and asked if i had my baby. I cried for 9 hours that day. I then bled for 10 weeks ( yes i seem to have been very unlucky)
Coming back to a small town has been diffucult and i have often thought of moving away from all my pregnant friends and friends with families... but that would solve nothing. Everyone knew i left to have my baby and there were plenty of people who pretended that i was never pregnant and didn't have a baby..this ignorance has made me angry.
Others have been very supportive.. but it only lasted several weeks and now i don't talk to anyone about it but my husband. I tried Bonnies Babies but could never get anyone but an answering machine. My husband works away and i do feel alone but hopefully i will get some relief from telling my story.
We have now seen a specialist in Perth and he was fantastic much more considerate that the dr that delivered me ( he decided to give me a 15 page read on fetal movement on the hospital office computer 2 days after losing my baby, which made me feel incredibly guilty)
The results were that there was thrombosis of the umbilical cord (blood cot) and after finding this out i tormented myself with the thoughts of how or if Tre passed with any pain. The Dr has mentioned that this may have been the cause or not?? and that my results were borderline anti-coagulating.
We are soon ready to try and conceive again and when or if it happens again i will have to inject blood thinners daily (no big deal if i get a healthy baby!) and be in Perth from 26 weeks onwards. They may not let me go further than 36weeks... i am feeling very nervous about the next pregnancy.
I hope this made sense as it's diffucult to write when so emotional. I am a much more sympathetic and understanding person from my experience, at least Tre's dealth has given me that. I just wish that he had a chance at life.
Fiona I'm so sorry your precious baby boy Tre passed away. He has a lovely name. Although you come to BellyBelly in very difficult, painful circumstances, I hope you will find a loving, supportive community here
I have no words, Im in tears and wish Tre was with you right now in body. Bless you and your family and most of all Tre.
You will get lots of support here. Ill be thinking of you and your son, Tre
i am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little boy. If you would like to talk to someone still i have found SANDS and sids and kids have been wonderful. The ladies here have been so supportive so dont under estimate the power of a typed word!!
Please be kind to yourself!!
Fly free little Man
Fiona,
Your story is heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to let you know that I lost a son and a daughter due to blood clots. with my third pregnancy I took daily blood thinner injections. I had a healthy baby boy in June.
Thank you for sharing the story of your darling baby boy Tre. He chose strong parents and a wonderful family to give him such a loving and dignified birth.
Welcome to BB. Thank you for sharing your story on the birth of your son Tre. As I type this in tears I can be help to mention that you wrote your story beautifully. May your angel boy be looking down on you and holding your hand forever. You'll find nothing but great support here at BB.
I am so incredibly sad reading your story, so sorry for you, your husband and your families loss. Thank you for sharing it, and I hope it can help in the process of healing.
Sending you big Fiona, praying for strength for you and your family to get through this. May your memories of Tre be close to your heart forever. Love and blessings.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Tre, my heart breaks for you, it's so unfair.
You have certainly come to the right place for love and support.
Take care of yourself.
xxx
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Tre Our Son Stillborn at 36weeks
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