When did we stop trusting ourselves???

[boomba]

This may not make sense ....

But I was thinging the other day, why dont we trust ourselves and our bodues anymore..like wiht birth, breast feeding and being a parent in general?

Why do we "allow" Certain books and peole make us feel like we are not doing the right thing...especailly books written by people who dont have children, and no emotional connection to your child........they dont care how you feel afterward or during "training" etc they just want the money?

ALso why do put so much stress on sleep? Like we are going to spoil our babies by loving them? I never understood the whole CIO or CC when as an adult you can be cuddled to sleep and its perfectly ok yet for a baby to be loved and cuddled it is seen as spoiling or making a rod for your back.


Spose my rambling is why we cant trust our hearts and bodies to be the best parent and do the things that feel right and not worry about some crazy routine we have read in a abook by some woamn who clearly has no understanding of the humnan brain.


I have posted it in the gentle parenting section cause i beleive you have to do whats right as long as it is an educated descion...this isnt a thred about our parenting ways just a question as to why we go against all instincts and what our heart and body is telling us just cause of a book? Why are our instincts burried and why dont we listen to them?

Sorry hope you kinda get what I am saying...I am not very good at being smart lol

[widdly]

why indeed.

Maybe we stopped trusting ourselves when other started criticising our parenting and telling us how we should be doing things.

Maybe we stopped trusting ourselves cause health professionals told us we were doing it wrong and each told us their own way of doing things is better.

Maybe we stopped trusting ourselves cause during pregnancy we are given a Bounty Bag that is full of advertising and magazines telling us the 'right' way to do things.

Maybe we stopped trusting ourselves cause there is just too much parenting information out there and it confuses us all.

[~*Kat*~]

I am guessing its a sign of the times
In every aspect of our lives (not just parenting) we are told whats right and wrong by parents as we grow up but then we r so influenced by lots of other things as well
So its very hard on us to make chioces between what we think is right and what socitiy tells us is right

[boomba]

Very true Widdly and got1want1more......its sad though isnt...all this information shoved down our throats and we begin to second guess ourselves....when she should be supporting parents and mums whenever we can!

[briggsy's girl]

i agree with the other ladies - we're so often told what a baby should be doing at a certain age, what we should be doing with/for them. so much comparison, so much "advice" from people that may not have had a child in their care for many years (if ever).

i have been lucky - i have books i could read - but i've chosen not to as i trust my baby to tell me what she needs. the only book i've read is the wonder weeks - and that is for interest and to help others more than anything. i have a fantastic MCHN (the regular one) - she doesnt' say that a bubba should be doing x y and z - she asks if you have concerns and can she help you. i grew up in a house where kids were looked after all the time (FDC) and i observed different developmental rates in the kidlets.

i think as a society we need to encourage people to embrace instinct again. it's frowned upon in so many aspects of our lives and we tend to feel that most on our parenting journey. even sites like BB, as supportive as it is - it can make you doubt yourself - when you hear that your baby buddies are sleeping through, they've started solids, are crawling well before your bubba - it can do your head in! i guess it comes down to how you take it all in. i have tried (and sometimes failed i'll admit) to think of DD as an individual in her own right. if someone is stressing and i can use my experience to help them, i share - but i tend to preface everything with "every child is different" (or every pregnancy/experience etc).

[Arcadia]

Great thread!

I agree BG that society in general quashes instinct. I blame capitalism in part, because when someone needs to work, they don't have the time/space to just listen to a baby...the baby needs to listen to them, be in a good routine and be sleeping through the night!! Also, in a society which relies on metrics, such as money, or posessions, (or 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep lol) there is little space for the idea that some things can't be measured...like love or energy.

I was guilty of loosing my instincts in favour of books...for a time. Luckily I found it again and couldn't be happier. Its just a shame I and other women feel pressured to ignore our inner voices.

Then again, if we all lived in a village and saw parenting first hand, we wouldn't need to 'learn' about it from books or MCHN...we would just all follow our babies cues and we would have help when we needed it.

[YoYo]

Great thread Amber

People have way too much influence over others now....there is so much pressure. Everyone is always trying too hard to be perfect....whatever perfect is!

I guess in knowing this we all just have to believe in ourselves a little bit more and try not to let things get us down where we think we are second guessing ourselves.

Don't think I'm making much sense, but you know what I mean!

[Dansta]

I agree BG that society in general quashes instinct. I blame capitalism in part, because when someone needs to work, they don't have the time/space to just listen to a baby...the baby needs to listen to them, be in a good routine and be sleeping through the night!!
... Its just a shame I and other women feel pressured to ignore our inner voices....

Then again, if we all lived in a village and saw parenting first hand, we wouldn't need to 'learn' about it from books or MCHN...we would just all follow our babies cues and we would have help when we needed it.

:yeahthat:

(this is not meant to be offensive)
This is a really good thread i read it and went off and thought about it. i think "now a days" we seem to think that babies once born will fit in to our 'normal' lives we had before a baby. that they'll sleep when they're "meant to" eat when they're "meant to" and just follow a clock. sadly babies dont know how to read a clock. we often listen to that person in a white coat rather then what our hearts/gut instincts tell us. or we have peer/family pressure to make sure a baby can do XYZ by such and such rather then allow them to grow as they want to. for me i realized that they're not always right - we had a rough start with DS, and with that came power -for me- that my son knew what he wanted and when, that what a text book says isnt always applicable. I think sometimes with all the well meant advice from both family and peers as well as books we forget that we have a little human, one who just like the rest of us has wants/ needs.

I feel that we all need to trust our selfs more, listen to our babies more and have a little faith that we may know what we need to and to rely on the outside world as much. besides, what did we do before Doctors and MCHN's became involved and so controlling of 'normal'? the human race made it this far...

[Junglemum]

i mostly trust myself, my body and my abilities as a parent. I may not be the best at everything, but i am confident i am doing my best. (ok, so i spend too much time on BB, but other than that! )

It doesn't mean i don't question myself at times, i think that is normal to question decisions and thoughts you have, and change things as you go.

[aimz78]

This is an interesting thread,
I agree with other posters that society in general and capitalism are a huge part of this.
Marketing is also a huge influence imo. We only started questioning our abilities as parents when advertising etc started to tell us we needed certain products to look after our babies.They planted a seed in our minds and suddenly you need a monitor to tell you if your baby is breathing, a thermometer to test the temp of their environment and artificial teats that are "close to nature".Your ability as a parent is not a factor in this at all. It is just crazy when I think how we are influenced by all of this. I also think that a lack of education and not making a conscious and informed choice as parents also contributes. A lot of people just go with the perceived norm for weaning sleeping choices,CIO etc because thats what they think is the done thing. Also the western perception that very young babies should be isolated and taught to sleep.
I think it is so sad that the majority have lost their faith in their own parenting instincts, that is why i love BB!

[Smoke Jaguar]

I have loved the books I've read that guide in how to get in touch with instinct, rather than guide in how to follow the one size fits all approach in vogue at the time of publishing.
But I know so many people who just don't believe they know how to do it and are anxious to get their hands on the 'here's what to do' books

[boomba]

Yup totally agree girls its definetly to do wiht advertising etc making money and all that.

I know I second guess stuff but I am more thinking of the stories we hear of mothers having to be restrained when they are using CC methods as thier instincts are telling them to go to their distressed baby yet the "book" says they are ok leave them So they get Thier husbands to sit on them or trun up the msuic really loud?

When did our babies become and inconvience and hassle?

I am trying to understand someone choosing what a book says which has no connection to you or your baby over what your heart and head is telling you?

But I know so many people who just don't believe they know how to do it and are anxious to get their hands on the 'here's what to do' books

I hide those types of books lol!

I think sometimes with all the well meant advice from both family and peers as well as books we forget that we have a little human, one who just like the rest of us has wants/ needs.

Perfectly said!

i think as a society we need to encourage people to embrace instinct again. it's frowned upon in so many aspects of our lives and we tend to feel that most on our parenting journey. even sites like BB, as supportive as it is - it can make you doubt yourself - when you hear that your baby buddies are sleeping through, they've started solids, are crawling well before your bubba - it can do your head in! i guess it comes down to how you take it all in. i have tried (and sometimes failed i'll admit) to think of DD as an individual in her own right. if someone is stressing and i can use my experience to help them, i share - but i tend to preface everything with "every child is different" (or every pregnancy/experience etc).

So true BG...it seems we are competeing wiht our sisters instead of helping eachother out and instead of enjoying our babies we are wishing them to grow up and be the first to this or that?

People have way too much influence over others now....there is so much pressure. Everyone is always trying too hard to be perfect....whatever perfect is!

Couldnt agree more! They are perfect already

I spose what i am trying to say is we seem to be wishing our lives away and making descions based on how the child can "fit" into our lives and not us "fit" into the childs life...they are so perfect and tiny for such a short time. And we have a chance to nurture them and treat them wiht the respect they deserve.

[ezymay]

Great thread amber..I think its also the lack of community and village lifestyle. We don't have a village of older, wiser mothers and women to teach us, to reassure us that we are doing a good job.

[widdly]

yep, lacking in the village lifestyle is a huge factor

[boomba]

Thats so true isnt...I made a promise to myslef to be there and help out firneds and family as much as i could..as i would have loved to have had someone IRL tell me I was doing a great job and just be given a hug Thank goodness for BB

[briggsy's girl]

i don't know that it's competitive in nature - more a fear of your child not developing as it should. having grown up in a home where my mum was doing FDC most of my life, i know how different children can be and i accept that - but i've also seen some children with both minor and major develomental delays. i also have an aunt with quite severe intellectual disabilities - as a result, i am probably accutely aware of DD's development to ensure she doesn't fall TOO far behind others her age (my aunt wasn't diagnosed til she was in grade six).

[Smoke Jaguar]

Definitely the fragmentation of our society can take the biggest blame here How many of us grew up with children around us at every stage? I mean, once we weren't little children anymore, how many of us still had little children and their needs in our every day lives? Not many (lucky you, BG!) - we grow up with our peers and maybe a sibling young enough for us to have vague memories of nappies and nothing else.
Even with fragmentation, there is still instinct in us that a lot of women ignore. Not just about their children and pregnancies, but even before that. We curse our periods instead of understanding them, until we realise they are important when we decide we want to have kids of our own. I'll encourage DD to use a Mooncup and cloth pads when her time comes, so that she doens't see this natural and most important function as an inconvenience and awful aspect of being female.
I learnt a really valuable saying once. It's something you say to yourself when you come across a situation where you feel helpless and think you don't know the answer: "If I DID know, what would it be?"
This saying is magic - you give yourself permission to use instinct right away with it! I"m glad I learnt it before I fell pg, cos I've been using it in my subconscious ever since

[Shanti]

Great thread Amber

I haven't read too many parenting books - besides Pinky McKay books and they're great as she explains how to follow and trust your instincts
I feel that most of the time I have parented out of instinct and held my bub when she has cried etc.... I do what feels right at the time and I'm a happy parent for that.

I think it is easy to be led astray though by sooo many people ie our parents, society etc telling us that we might spoil our babies or they are manipulating us (WRONG!) etc and it just confuses us and we are constantly trying to ignore all those comments and sort out what we feel is right and what is wrong..... I think i'm mumbling..... I'm off to bed now..... BBL in the morning! When my words make sense!! haha