well, im single :(

[misskate]

hello ladies
sorry about the novel, it feels like i am writing about someone elses life.

well, i was a happy little camper and i was blissfully happy. i was helping out me and craigs friend with her breakup in december(her name is pip and her ex partners name is duncan). i babysat her kids for the weekend cos she had noone else and had to work. i was her shoulder to cry on, and she was thanking me for being so supportive. then on the 17th of december at night, duncan went over to chat to her and she was going to ring us when he had left. she called craigs phone as i was stepping into the shower. when i got out of the shower, craig came in and said
'kate, there is something i need to talk to you about that i never ever wanted to!'

here i am feeling guilty and thinking i had done something wrong.

'i slept with pip, quite a number of times......'

well, with that my whole life shattered.
i asked many questions about it in a fairly calm manner, found out about alot of stuff that i never wanted to know, found out that he would have never told me about except that duncan was planning on ringing me, he wasnt 'sure' if they had used protection on the first time, that they did it in my bed, seedy by the hour motel rooms, at a party that i wasnt allowed to go to because it was a boys night ect ect.

worked out that it had roughly been going for about 8 mnths when he apparently ended it because we had just been on a holiday and he thought we had rebonded.

first thing i did the next morning was go down and explain to my boss (at my new job that im still in probation for) what had happened and asked for the rest of the week off, when i had that worked out, i rang my sister and went up to her house for a few days and went to doc for an std check.

i continued living at home with craig as i still hadnt decided whether i would stay or go. he was telling me that he would do anything to get me back. he also told me that if we didnt end up staying together, he would leave brisbane, sign full custody over to me, and never seelachlan again, just expect a photo once a year on his bday( i know right, how the frig can you do that to your own child????) still undecided, i thought it best that i move out so that i could think clearly about my decision because living there felt so normal. i moved into my dads on the 28th dec.

i did alot of thinking and talking with my friends. meanwhile, craig was doing nothing to prove that he wanted me back. yes is MASSIVELY remorseful but did nothing to try and get me back.
my main concern was being a single mum and being alone for the rest of my life.
one of my friends told me about his sister

she had a child with a man that turned into an idiot, so she left him.
she then found the man of her dreams, fell in love, married, had a child with him, and then he died

so what really made my mind up was that there are people out there, worse off than me, who are doing just fine.

on the 6th of jan, 1 week before my bday, i left craig.

i have been coping fairly well, everytime lachlan asks for daddy, my heart breaks for him, but i just couldnt have gone back. not after an 8 mnth relationship. i am almost certain had it been one time, i would have gone back.

today, i had a terrible day. after having next to no sleeep, talking to him last night, and generally feeling terrible. i have cried almost all day.
last night he tells me that i can no longer speak to his brother(who i have known for 5 years longer than i have known him) as well as putting on a victim show of woe is me, my life is so hard, im so sad... when here i am, trying to process what the hell just happened to my happy life???

i dont really have a point to this thread, just wanted to talk to some people taht are not as involved as my friends and families are...
thanks for reading, and any feedback or suggestions are welcome.

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[STARRYSKY]

Hi Kate, I am so sorry that your "friend" and your supposed loved one have put you through this. no one deserves that kind of treatment.
The only silver lining I can see is that at least he told you to your face and you diddnt find out some other way.
that aside, I applaud your decision to leave, I think you have done the right thing, but only you can know in your heart of hearts if its the right thing for you.
sending you lots of squishy warm hugs, I hope you have a lot of support from family and friends.
oh and also, its not up to him who you speak to or not, thats your choice. You are not the one who has done the wrong thing here.
Thinking of you xx

[TeniBear]

If you think you're doing the right thing, just keep telling yourself that. It seems to me that by getting it all out, you're trying to work out if you are or not - it seems to me you are, but I'm just an outsider.

[misskate]

dont get me wrong, im really glad that i have mad a decision, and im almost certain it is the correct one... i just dont know why i am the one that got hurt, but he is trying to pull me into his pit of self pitty.... its ridiculous, i am being more calm, more mature, and apparently handling it a bit better than him????

[Footsteps]

i have no advice just huge hugs and take care of yourself and lachlan. xox

[rhyb]

Big hugs Kate. Single parenting is hard but to me youve done the right thing and his involvement with your DS is on him. Feel good about yourself youre an amazing mummy and the BB community are behind you! Sending lots of love your way!

[Nai]

Oh hun - my heart was just breaking for you in your post

As for telling you who you can talk to and what you can feel I would be telling him to go and jam it! He gave up the right to have any input into your life and tell you anything about what you can do on the 17th December. As for not having anything to do with his son I would also be calling on that - it's the easy way out for him and I would be telling him that although you want nothing to do with him he needs to have a relationship with his son (if only for his son to work out what an idiot his father is and so he doesn't idealise him).

He sounds like a very weak and pathetic excuse for a man. You are much better and stronger than that - we are all here for you anytime.

[thepixie]

for you kate.
what a jerk.

[BabyQ]

Oh hun - my heart was just breaking for you in your post

As for telling you who you can talk to and what you can feel I would be telling him to go and jam it! He gave up the right to have any input into your life and tell you anything about what you can do on the 17th December. As for not having anything to do with his son I would also be calling on that - it's the easy way out for him and I would be telling him that although you want nothing to do with him he needs to have a relationship with his son (if only for his son to work out what an idiot his father is and so he doesn't idealise him).

He sounds like a very weak and pathetic excuse for a man. You are much better and stronger than that - we are all here for you anytime.

I second the above! .. I must say you've handled yourself with the utmost in self respect ...I would like to say that if I were in your position I could handle myself the same way but I don't know if I've got that much self control..
Your ex is pathetic, you deserve much better than what he could offer. Sorry you're having to go through this

[boomba]

i am really sorry Kate! Big hugs to you and your little man! I hope you can find peace! xx

[~Trish~]

Oh Kate, I'm so sorry you are going through this . You have handled yourself so well. I really hope Craig is just talking out of fear and guilt and won't walk out of Lachlan's life.

You're going to be great on your own, you're a fantastic mum to Lachlan and a gorgeous person .

[*EJ*]

So sorry for what you are experiencing at this moment. Sounds like you have very rationaly and calmly come to your decision and feel confident in it. Continue to follow your heart and be a wonderful mother to your little boy.

Don't let your ex guilt you into feeling any more anger that you choose. It just sounds like he's trying to get a reaction out of you. You have chosen to seperate and from now on your decisions are your own. For example who you talk to...

Good luck i am sure there is an extremely bright and happy future out there for you and your precious little man xoxoxoxo

[AngelPunks]

Kate my x kicked me out to be with a "friend", who had kicked her hubby out to be with mine - so I have an inkling of what you're going through. We didn't have kids, so that is different - he has kids but never sees them.

It is hard, days you wonder why you are alone, then you have days that you relish the fact you're alone and you are getting on with your life, improving yourself, getting stronger, learning from things that have happened. Don't beat yourself up over this, it does get easier.

[~Serenity~]

:hugs:

[mrsmac]

What a terrible thing to have to find out, its horrible how often you hear of that though, the woman being supported by a couple turning around and having an affair with the husband.

I think you are behaving in a mature and rational way and are a fantastic role model for your son.

Single parenting can be hard but it can be wonderful too, we on BB are all here for you so you are not alone.

[Jennifer13]

Kate, I hope you are finding the support you need from family and true friends right now. I would ignore what xH might be saying to everyone else, he will need some sympathy and support from his family and friends, but he's hardly going to be fooling them with the reasons for your split. You need to focus on you and your DS right now, nothing else.

Have you sought legal advice as to your separation?

[suse]

I think that ultimately he's trying to guilt you into reacting a certain way by saying that he won't see Lachlan if you leave. And d'ya know what, I think you should call his bluff on it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but even if he signs over custody he will still be required to pay child support, and if he chooses not to take advantage of any access rights, then it's his loss. Sure, Lachlan will most likely experience some confusion initially, but ultimately, what will he get from a role-model who is prepared to use him as a bargaining chip?

You've left because he's admitted to long term infidelity. The only reason he told you was because it looked like he was going to get dobbed in anyway - he's not thinking of you, he's made a pathetic attempt at damage control.

As for 'not being able to talk to his brother', well, isn't that his brother's choice? He's again trying to manipulate your reaction, although it's not unusual even in an amicable split for one partner to 'take custody' of any common friends, if for nothing else but to avoid discomfort in social situations, it sounds to me like he's attempting further damage control. Firstly by trying to have full control over the story so that he can continue to play the victim, and secondly, by making you feel isolated from your own support network so that you will return to him.

You are right in that you are handling this a lot better than he is, with much more dignity and maturity. How he's reacted gives a really good indication to his personality - he may want you back, but he wants it to be on his terms, and he's quite prepared to continue to manipulate and deceive to get what he wants.

Stay strong sweet - there will come a day when you are really glad you walked away, even if it's not today.

[BhoysGirl]

MissKate - I'm so sorry to read this, what a horrible thing for you to have to go through. I have no real advice or wisdom for you, maybe only that I wouldn't just let him walk away from his son quite so easily, unless you decide it's what you think is best for Lachlan. But most of all, just wanted to give you lots of . You sound like you are handling things with a lot of strength & class - and a whole lot more maturity than he is.

Take care