I dont really know where to start I am 90% sure I want a seperation.
I accidently fell pregnant to my partner 3 years ago and have a lovely boy out of it. I never intented to have children with him as then he was messed up (drug addict) and basically the complete opposite of what I believe in and I could never figure out why I loved him but I did, We got married over a year ago and I felt like I shouldnt but I did I thought it was just nerves but now I think it was because he asked me for the wrong reason (he told me one night he didnt even love me when he asked me)
He barely helped me with our first son and when I got pregnant with my second I hated him, I was working, tired and sore and he still never helped and I used to wish I wasnt pregnant and then I would feel horrible for thinking that about a beautiful baby.
My main problem is how he talks to me, he talks down to me and he calls me names - especially after a few drinks and he drinks every day. He seems to be a cranky man as he just loses it. I have asked him to leave numerous times and he just says he wont. He told me once if I left he would take the kids - I said why you dont know how to look after them.
I feel like it is domestic violence when he talks to me like he does but then there is days when he is so nice and I think I do love him. I am just so confused, I cant talk to my family as they just dont understand and are EXTREMELY opinionated and then I feel like I have no one - and no where to go, I dont want to go to my mum because when she is around my children she takes over and has no routine and I know she is doing it out of love but they are my kids and I am the one that knows how they work.
My husband is a type one diabetic and I fear that he is going to have a heart attack or something will happen, he has hypos all the time - and when he has them he is rough and rude and horrible and I told him I feel like not helping him and leaving him to die and I should never feel like that its not the person I am. Of course I always look after him. He smokes and refuses to quit so he is going blind in his eyes - and that is what makes me fear a heart attack,
I fear that if I did leave him if he was having my kids that he would have a hypo and hurt them or ...just not wake up .. That is another thing he sleeps so so so much and I have left him with the kids and he has slept through the baby screaming so I dont leave them with him anymore.
I have gone back to work as he refused to keep paying bills and he doesnt understand my argument that he obviously has enough money to as he always has beer and he plays golf. I dont mind going back to work I just hate that I have gone back to a job I hate.
I want to leave as he said he wont - I feel like I want him to be cival I want to be friends for our children and be able to trust him with them.. I know that he loves them but I have said that if he loves them he would leave because we cant have this sort of relationship around them,.
The worst thing is I get so tired and so mad at him that I take it out on them (yelling) and then I feel like the worst mother in the universe.
I could probably go on and on I guess its kinda obvious what I should do but why do I feel like I love him and like I am abandoning a lost puppy or something (when he is nothing like that)
Emotional Abuse is still abuse - I'd be looking at you and the boys getting out of his way for a bit.
(If he's as bad as you say, don't worry about a divorce. Just spend a week with friends/family for a holiday and have someone with a strong stomach enter the house first when you return. As for your mum... I hear you. A week with her means a problem week for us when we get back. But it also sounds like the lesser of two evils atm.)
missy swannie. what a horrible situation to be in. I feel for you. It sounds to me like there isn't a great deal to be salvaged out of this relationship. Here we have a man who isn't working or paying bills, he is not helping with the children, you can't trust him to look after them, he's verbally abusive to you, and refuses to look after himself to the point that you have to otherwise he might die. I understand what you mean about abandoning a lost puppy, but try to understand that some people use their weakness and sickness to manipulate others. It's actually very effective especially with people who are quite strong and used to taking responsibility. Without even saying it, he has made you feel that you are responsible for his existence and welfare. But you're not. He's an adult, he is capable of looking after himself. It's not your problem if he refuses to do so. You are responsible for the existence and welfare of your children, and it sounds like he is just getting in the way of you providing for them. At this point I would be looking at the logistics of getting out of this relationship. If you want to stay in the house but he won't leave, get some advice about whether you can have him removed. If he is abusive and threatening you may be able to get an AVO, remove him from the house and change the locks. Alternatively start looking for somewhere to live with your kids. You are already supporting the whole household, all it means is you will have one less person depending on you. Don't feel guilty for this. You need to look after you and your children. Its not your responsibility to look after an adult who refuses to look after himself. For now don't worry about leaving the children with him for visits or any of that. Just look at how you can separate from him. Its important for your mental health.
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well that's something I guess.... I think Lady Zaidie has given good advice... get some space, see if you feel a greater sense of clarity about it. You really sound unhappy in the relationship, and sometimes it just takes a little bit of distance to make the next step clear. Good luck.
As you mentioned I think you know what is best to do for yourself and your children,
You can get court orders etc, where he can be with the kids under supervision from a mutual friend etc, my G/F does that now.
There is lots of assitance if you look into it at centrelink.
Best of Luck.. you will make the right decision and go with it.
Registered User
In need of unbiased help
missy swannie. what a horrible situation to be in. I feel for you. It sounds to me like there isn't a great deal to be salvaged out of this relationship. Here we have a man who isn't working or paying bills, he is not helping with the children, you can't trust him to look after them, he's verbally abusive to you, and refuses to look after himself to the point that you have to otherwise he might die. I understand what you mean about abandoning a lost puppy, but try to understand that some people use their weakness and sickness to manipulate others. It's actually very effective especially with people who are quite strong and used to taking responsibility. Without even saying it, he has made you feel that you are responsible for his existence and welfare. But you're not. He's an adult, he is capable of looking after himself. It's not your problem if he refuses to do so. You are responsible for the existence and welfare of your children, and it sounds like he is just getting in the way of you providing for them. At this point I would be looking at the logistics of getting out of this relationship. If you want to stay in the house but he won't leave, get some advice about whether you can have him removed. If he is abusive and threatening you may be able to get an AVO, remove him from the house and change the locks. Alternatively start looking for somewhere to live with your kids. You are already supporting the whole household, all it means is you will have one less person depending on you. Don't feel guilty for this. You need to look after you and your children. Its not your responsibility to look after an adult who refuses to look after himself. For now don't worry about leaving the children with him for visits or any of that. Just look at how you can separate from him. Its important for your mental health.
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