Being pressured to give up breastfeeding - HELP

[Dido]

My DD is not even 4 months old yet and I am being pressured by my DH to give up b/f right now.

Just a quick breakdown of whats happened

DD was born 3.5weeks early, i had severe problems with b/f but DH kept telling me to persevere even when i was at the point of wanting to put DD on a bottle as it was way too difficult.

After a few weeks of DD being born i sent DH out to buy me a b/f pillow which has helped with b/feeding hugely.

So, initially i was begging DH to let me put DD on a bottle as I just couldn't handle the stress of B/feeding , but after around week 7 things improved and b/feeding is much easier - it is now week 16 and its easier still (even though i still cannot b/f without my b/feeding wedge (pillow)) . I feed DD whenever I think she is hungry.

She is totally healthy, puts on weight and is thriving BUT .... DH comes home from a visit to his mums one afternoon (probably around week 10) and has decided that b/feeding is not best for DD and that i should stick her on a bottle. I have a feeling that DH and MIL had a chat about it while he was there.

Now I have DH in my ear EVERY afternoon when he comes home from work asking me if i have put DD on a bottle yet and I am almost at the point of saying 'yes i tried but she won't take it' ( i have tried a few times and she just really won't drink from it -breastmilk or formula) So DH is getting cranky with me each time i tell him that i will try a bottle another day etc - he keeps telling me there is no way our child is going to be b/fed until she is 6months old or over.

I do not have the heart to put DD on the bottle or make her starve until she takes it and i KNOW there is nothing wrong with my milk and DD is happy b/feeding as am i at this stage

What do I do, i am starting to feel anxious anytime DH questions me re b/feeding , i mean , shouldn't it be my decision as I am at home with DD every day and I am the one looking after her?

DH also states we can never go anywhere as I cannot just b/feed anywhere ( i have been shopping, visiting people but just take my b/feeding wedge which i am ok doing) so i haven't stopped myself going anywhere so i am not sure where he wants to go where i cannot feed DD.

On the other hand my mum and sister say i am crazy if i give up b/feeding as my sister b/fed her boys until 2.5yrs old as did my mum with the youngest siblings.

I am at a loss what I need to say or do re DH and MIL( she keeps asking if i am still b/feeding at every visit)- I am more eager to b/feed for longer now just because i feel pressured to give up. (but also as it works for DD and myself)

They make me feel horrible and almost embarrassed that i am still b/feeding but dd is only 16weeks old not 16months old...

Argh.. sorry to rant and rave but I need ideas and support as to where to turn and what to do as i don't know how to deal with DH at the moment. I am almost scared to tell him that i want to continue b/feeding????!!!!????????

[aussienic]

I don't really know what to say to be honest.. I will admit I am very annoyed at your Dh and MIL for making you feel this way..

Maybe if you want point out the cost of formula and bottles ect.. Talk about the convenience of BF (rather then the goodness) Explain when bub wakes during the night or when out the milk is ready to go where with a bottle you have to go make it and get it all ready ect ect..

I hope you can solve this conflict.. I wish I had more to offer

[Fleur]

hun it is totally up to you. This is your baby...you make the decisions, NOT your MIL.
IMO it is unfair of them to be pressuring you to do anything.
It might be a decision for you & your Dh to make together...
but why does your DH think this is his decision any more than it is yours?

Have you asked him what made him have such a dramatic change of heart? Was it just what his mother had to say? It seems a bit unusual that he was so adamant that you continue, only to now be pressuring you to wean.

I would suggest having a look at some of the articles here on BB, also contact the ABA & see what they can send you. Back up your wish to continue BFing with literature stating the benefits to both you & bub. Maybe then he will be a bit more supportive?

ETA - I don't know if it will help any - but you could point out that in terms of convenience, BFing is portable, there's no washing up, it's always ready & at the right temp... there's a lot to be said for the convenience of BFing too!

[Jesska]

Do what you feel is right for you and your daughter hun... if it were me, id tell my dh and mil to shut up... (not that it would ever happen, cos both my mil and hubby are totually for b/fing) why take her of the boob when she is obviously happy and putting on weight?!
Id keep her on the boob for as long as you like hun, its up to you afterall... dont let anyone talk you into doing something you dont want to cos you will most likely regret it.
Hope things work out for the best, and for what you want for your DD

[~Hestia~]

Wow. I can understand why you don't feel comfortable telling your DH that you want to continue BF.
It sounds like your DD is doing very well on breastmilk & if you're happy continuing then I see no reason why you shouldn't.
I think your DH needs to understand that you & your DD are his family. Yes, his mother can have her opinions. But he needs to stand by your decisions instead of doubting you & stick up for you when she gets in his ear.
I think your MIL is misinformed - the beauty of breastmilk is that it contains everything your baby needs. (Not that I'm against formula of course ) And as for not giving breastmilk until 6months+, that just doesn't make sense.
YOU have to be comfortable with your parenting decisions instead of being bullied into them. You're doing a great job

[MsKara]

Dido I'm sorry you're being pressured this way! It's not fair of your DH to put this on you.

I would try talking to him about it. Perhaps you could ask him to read this post

[Janie]

Oh hun, I really feel for you. I know what it's like to come so far, and feel like you don't want to just throw in the towel on what is working now! I'm really sorry you're going through this, it's really not fair.

What strategies do you think would help your DH to come around? Telling him that it's really important to you, and it's working well now? Reiterating how much more costly formula is? Explaining the health benefits, the WHO recommendations etc? All of the above LOL? If you can have a think about what might help the most, we can help you figure out a strategy

Hang in there hun, and in the meantime, surround yourself with people who support breastfeeding, and know that you're doing a wonderful thing for your baby

ETA To me, the health benefits of breastfeeding, for both mum and baby are SO stand out amazing, I'm not sure there's any better argument.......is your DH aware of all those benefits?

[Rosie's Mum]

Sweetie I was so sorry to read that post, the only advice I can give is that your responsibility is to that little baby. Your Mother in Law is going to have an opinion on everything about your child for the next 30 years and you will have to tell her to back off at some stage. It is a real pity that she is starting already. Your partner needs to make decisions with you about your child not with his Mother. He is a Father now before he is a son.
Your Mother in Law may have some out of date information about formula/breastfeeding too. In the 50's and 60's there was a very effective advertising campaign by formula companies to make breastfeeding seem like the inferrior option, something you did if you couldn't afford formula. We have since learned that breastmilk is a very healthy choice for your baby. (I breastfed but I think whatever you choose is great except coffee or brandy maybe.) If you have the strength to take on your Mother in Law and Husband right now, show them all the information that shows you are making a WONDERFUL choice for your baby.
Look after yourself and your Angel and don't let anyone bully you into doing something you are uncomfortable with.

[jackrose]

She is totally healthy, puts on weight and is thriving

This is the thing that jumps out at me, She is totally healthy, doing all the right things, you are happy... sounds pretty perfect to me!

Apart from all the wonderful advice the other posters have offered, (convenience, money saving, time saving etc) can you tell DH/MIL this?? If it ain't broke don't fix it

You sound as if you are doing wonderfully by your DD, you persevered through the tough times and are now being rewarded by having a cruisy bf time, time to bond and enjoy together without having to sterilise, prepare, budget, think ahead. You do not need to worry about what your MIL wrongly suggests that

there is no way how to tell if my milk has all the nutrients DD needs and i never know how much milk DD is getting

because research has shown time and time again that our bodies produce exactly the nutrients our babies need and change and adapt over time to continue to meet our babies needs. It is a fantastic system and one which is working for you. You baby is thriving!!

You can always look at the World Health Organisation web site to find all the good facts and stats about breastfeeding or the Australian Breastfeeding Association. If you can arm yourself with the stats to back up what you already know and feel (judging by the things you have said in your OP) you may feel more confident to face the barrage of negativity.

Good luck, I am so sorry you are having a struggle with those around you, but as suggested previously, surround yourself with those who support you.

[Dido]

I am almost in tears reading all the support i am getting here.
I just wish i was not such a pushover with DH . I know that DH sounds horrible but he really is a good husband HOWEVER i have let him walk over me and that is why he does it (my lack of confidence) ( he probably doesn't realise he even does it as it has been like this for so long)
DH knows all the benefits re b/feeding and this was the reason he was so adament for me to keep going with it in the early stages. Something just clicked in him one day and he so totally changed his opinion and i cannot believe he says that he is now convinced that formula is so much better for babies.

I feel that i have to confront him (and it won't be easy) and I will tell him that I am not going to give up b/feeding at this point, the only way i will wean is when DD and I are ready for that ( i have a full 12 months mat leave from work which is great) - he is not going to like it when i tell him but i am prepared to risk him being dissapointed in me - it all just seems so backward doesn't it?!

After all - i feed her, burp her, change her nappies, wipe her tears , rock her to sleep, sway her to sleep, bath her, stroke her face when she needs confort, lay beside her on the bed when she needs me close - so i believe that i should have the last say with what i do with dd re feeding.

So i think the next time DH asks me re bottle feeding (which will be tomorrow= no doubt) I will just tell him without beating around the bush that i am not trying to feed her with a bottle.

It is time for me now as a mother to take responsibility and make my own decisions without seeking approval from others.

Wish me luck, i thank everyone for their support ( its just what i need) and I will have an update regardign how i go when i tell DH that i am continuing b/feeding

THANKS A MILLION!

[[M]umma[M]ia]

tell them both to shove their advice where the sun dont shine. They are your boobies and u will feed who u please, when you please and for as long as u please. They dont like it.. then dont look.

[boomba]

Oh hun what an awful situation...your doing an amazing job! Your MIL isnt feeding her so why does it bother her so much..its your baby so you continue to folow your heart and instincts and keep bf your gorgeous baby.

It is time for me now as a mother to take responsibility and make my own decisions without seeking approval from others.

I beleive you ahve just found yoursefl a new mantra! Be strong hun you know what is best for you and baby! xxx

[~Raven~]

Your Mother in Law is going to have an opinion on everything about your child for the next 30 years and you will have to tell her to back off at some stage. It is a real pity that she is starting already. Your partner needs to make decisions with you about your child not with his Mother. He is a Father now before he is a son.

Look after yourself and your Angel and don't let anyone bully you into doing something you are uncomfortable with.

Agree totally with Rosie's Mum!

Put your foot down now about the breastfeeding because this will happen with everything from solids to what shoes you put on her feet to school! My MIL is very outspoken on her opinion on everything. It goes in one ear and out the other now

I am also concerned about your DH seemingly dominating you. From his insistence you breastfeed and now insisting you stop. I may have misunderstood your message but that is what I'm getting from your post.

Ask him what's influenced his change in thoughts on the matter.

You're doing a great job Mummy!

[~Hestia~]

Go Dido
Will be keen to hear how you go.

[Nai]

You go girl and stand up for your daughter and what is best for her! Your DH may be a mummy's boy but your daughter is your girl and she needs you to be a role model for her.

Tell your DH that you have read all of the available information and you will be doing what is best for your daughter - and that is BF. You can also say that MIL had her turn at raising her children and now it is your turn to raise your child and you will be doing your way.

Oh and by the way - my DD2 has 8 teeth and I am still BF with no problems! She knows not to bite the bb that feeds her

[whoops]

Here are some reasons from the ABA website:-

Breastmilk reduces illness

It is thought that the protective components in human milk are directly responsible for reducing the incidence of many illnesses in infancy and childhood including acute diarrhoea, lower respiratory tract infections, and ear infections. In addition, there is evidence that breastfeeding protects against less common illnesses such as necrotising enterocolitis (NEC), bacterial meningitis, botulism, urinary tract infections and sudden infant death syndrome. In the longer term, insulin dependent diabetes mellitus, inflammatory bowel disease and childhood lymphoma are also less common in children who were breastfed.

Why is breastfeeding important?

Breastfeeding is important for the health of babies because they have immature immune systems and breastmilk provides the baby with its mother's antibodies and other defence factors. Human milk provides many protective factors that can enhance the immune system of the newborn child against infection, offering the immediate protection of antibodies and cells involved in fighting infection, as well as growth factors that continue to develop the baby's own immunity.

The antibodies in breastmilk are important in the protection against infection because they are directed against bacteria, fungi, viruses and other antigenic substances to which the mother has been recently exposed. In addition, mother's milk contains lactoferrin that has an anti-inflammatory action; lysozyme that attacks the walls of certain bacteria; oligosaccharides (complex sugars) that prevent binding of toxic substances to the cells lining the airway and fats that have an antibacterial action. As well, breastmilk contains a number of specific factors that promote growth and maturation of the baby's immune system. Thus breastfeeding provides health benefits for all infants in ways that infant formula cannot.

[nattyfred]

Hi hun I just saw this thread and I too am sorry you are in thi situation. I think Rosies mum hit the nail on the head. You are her mummy and won the right to make the final decision the moment she was concieved. Im honestly flabbergasted that your dh would change his mind like that esp when your baby is thriving. No there is no way to scientifically test but if she is putting on weight who cares? I cant even remember how many feeds my dd has because I just give it to her whenever she wants it...Too bad for everyone else this is the closest you will be with your daughter and noone has the right to interfere with that special bond..You only have them like this for such a short time.

Good luck I hope you have the strength to tell them to shove it.

[Liz]

Wow..I'm so sorry they are pressuring you like that. It's one thing to have that opinion, but they should not be putting pressure on you

Can you get someone 'official' to tell your DH that you should be breastfeeding and to reassure him on any doubts about the nutrients etc. Maybe call in a LC to talk to both of you or something? I'd be getting him loads of articles to read, or do you have the Breastfeeding.. Naturally book? He needs to know that those old school opinions & myths of breastfeeding are a load of rubbish. I didn't receive pressure from my mother at all, but she came out with the same drivel of maybe my milk isn't good enough etc etc and I had to just believe in what I was doing. I'd be asking him what his specific worries are and refuting them with articles from the ABA etc. Not in an argumentative way, but in a way that is just reassuring him on those doubts that have been planted by his mother.

*big big hugs* to you. You're doing a great job.. you just need to get your DH on the same page again. It's going to be a tough road by the sounds, because anything you experience with your bub now (sleepless nights, teething... whatever) is going to be blamed on the breastfeeding. Just remember you will always receive the right support & information here on BB.