How can I give my friends the best support possible?

[MamaBones]

My friends birthed a beautiful baby boy on Sunday... who was completely healthy, however didnt start breathing-despite all the help from the hospital...
They have had him at home with them, hoping for a miracle...
It has come to the point where they realise he is gone now... and I just dont know what to do for them...
He was taken this morning by the funeral home, and they are starting to deal with everything this afternoon...

I cant even imagine the devastation they feel... My heart is just aching for them...

My question is... how can I give them the best support possible? I have never had to support a friend through loss before...

I am 32weeks pregnant myself, and I guess I am concerned how they will feel about having someone who is pregnant around, when they are grieving a loss of something I still have? I dont want to make it worse for them, iykwim...

[Inanna]

Mamabones what a wonderful friend you are for asking... Also I want to acknowledge how confronting it is when someone close loses a baby - especially when you yourself are pregnant.

It could be confronting seeing you - for me it was incredibly confronting seeing a pregnant belly... So, I would ask before you go around. Just simply say: "I want to be with you - but I need you to know it's okay to say no"... That gives her an out.

Meals are good - she likely won't be eating much... Acknowledge her baby & call her/him by name. Ask her if she has photos & tell her that you would love to see photos of her little girl/boy if and when she is ready.

Send them a congratulations card & sometimes a plant is nice - perhaps a native one that corresponds to the month... A piece of jewellery or a charm with the colour of the month or the birth stone of the month, or a zodiac sign if that is her thing... Buying a star is a lovely idea.. If you sew a little quilt or a cross stitch with her baby's name/birthweight & time of birth.
It's important to remember that her baby was born. Sometimes the death is (for obvious reasons) so prominent that people can forget that she is a mother who birthed her baby. She will have milk come in about now, she will be feeling so incredibly desolate.

Just remember this baby always, the date she/he was born and died - there is nothing more special than those who actually remember... For it's a date indellibly etched on a parents mind..

Hop onto the Sids for kids website for some help if you need it - maybe give her some numbers - though hopefully the hospital will have done this..

I am so glad that she was able to keep her baby with her until she was ready to let go.. I think this can be a very important & painfully accepting time.

Again, love her, and remember that this pain will be raw for a very very long time. There is no "normal" time to grieve. It is all as it should be and every person will deal with it differently.

You're a good friend for informing yourself...

If seeing her brings up stuff for you and your own pregnancy feel free to debrief in here.

[fourthontheway]

I have lost a son and for us the most wonderful thing was the meals that were delivered. Frozen meals, meals at dinner time (wonderful women showing up on our doorstep with dinner!) and help with housework.

Ask your friend if she feels comfortable with you atm, tell her you will understand if she doesn't and that you really want her to be honest with you. If she says she's fine with you being pregnant all is well and good, if she isn't then maybe your husband or a mutual friend could take them a meal from you.

[MamaBones]

OK, dinners I can do...

And the buying a star idea, is really fantastic! Ofcourse, id love to give her a piece of jewellery, with his name and birthday etched on it... perhaps I'll do some research about this.

Thankyou so much for your responses...

Is it normal for someone like myself to feel guilty? That they tried so hard to have this little baby, and lost it... yet my pregnancy was not planned, and I still have my baby?

[Miss.B]

Oh MB, I really feel for your friend, and for you too as it must be so hard to see your friend going through such a terrible and tragic experience. As you know I've lost my little one at 21 weeks back in 2008, and it was hell. I wish my friends and family brought me meals and helped me with house work, but they didn't and most didn't know what to do/say to me so I mainly got phone calls every now and then. Lucky for me I have the most amazing DF who did all the house work, and fed me when I didn't want to look at food. It's just that he was grieving too, and it would have been nice for him to have some help too.
Inanna's response was fantastic, I nodded to everything she wrote, especially about acknowledging the baby's birth as that is so very important. Most of all be there for her when she needs you, and encourage her to speak about her baby. When I lost Josh, most people were scared to bring him up. I felt like he never existed and he did! Big hugs hun, I know you'll provide your friend with plenty of support, and believe me she will need it. As for being pg, don't feel guilty hun. You are feeling guilt b/c you still have your lil one and she's lost hers. Just appreciate your little bub and consider how lucky you are.
Big big hugs sweets x

[MamaBones]

I did think about asking you Beata, but didnt want you to feel like I was being intrusive- so just posted here, so whoever felt like they could answer, and give advice, could.
I guess I understand why people only phoned you when you lost your little one- I really want to give that support to my friends, but at the same time, I am feeling that fear of bringing him up... and not knowing what to say! I will have to find out first if they are comfortable having me there (although, my Mum was there yesterday and said that the mother was asking about me and the baby - so it might be ok) and then I will do some groceries for them or take them some meals.


I was thinking about the father of the baby before- as I had found this amazing piece of jewellery I could get for my friend as a rememberance item... I know he is suffering just as much as she is though, and if I am to get them a gift, I want it to be something that includes him aswell.

Will know the funeral details today... its going to be a very difficult experience, I think... for everyone.

[Miss.B]

MB, I would never have thought of you being intrusive (but I guess I can understand your hesitation) as I love talking about Joshua and I wish more people would talk about him too! My mum was/is the worst, she won't even mention him unless I start the conversation first, and even then it's like she just wants to forget. She was always eager for me to move on from day one, but I won't even go into that, I'd be here all day!
I know what you're saying about being afraid to bring your friend's baby up in conversation and not knowing what to say. But believe me, she will be glad to talk about him as it will be acknowledging the fact that he was born, and not trying to ignore the fact. I think the best thing you can say to her is that you are very sorry for her loss, and that you are there for her day or night when she wants to talk. I think offering to be there for her no matter what time of the day is really lovely and she'll know that she can really count on you for support. I also think that the jewellery idea is really nice, and for you to include her hubby too is extra special. You're a beautiful friend MB, don't forget it!

[MamaBones]

Thanks Beata...

I had thought perhaps a painting of their baby would be a nice gift for them... I was kind of hesitant at first- as I thought it might be uncomfortable for them to know someone else has photos of their precious little baby, but the father's parents actually contacted me this morning, and asked that I do a painting for them of the baby- and so this is what I will be giving them.

I also asked them about how they would feel having me there, and they are ok with me being there, which is great. They are suprisingly positive and their faith in God is so very obviously helping them get through this time. Such strong people. I know that I would not be anywhere near as positive or strong!

[Miss.B]

MB, the painting is a beautiful gift. I wish Joshua was bigger so I could have one done too. If it wasn't for my faith in God too, I don't know where I would be today, so I'm glad that the faith is pulling them through this.

Thinking of you and your friend

[Heaven]

You are such a beautiful person for thinking so much about them My thoughts are with them.

[MamaBones]

Thanks for all the advice ladies, you've been a great help!

[fourthontheway]

Yes! I forgot to mention that! TALK about the baby! So many people ignored my loss, they saw me go from pregnant to not having a baby and never mentioned it. It was very strange. sometimes it's hard to broach a difficult subject with a friend, but it's harder for the friend to be ignored that it is for you to just talk!

[Fiona Sweetman]

Thanks Beata...

I had thought perhaps a painting of their baby would be a nice gift for them... I was kind of hesitant at first- as I thought it might be uncomfortable for them to know someone else has photos of their precious little baby, but the father's parents actually contacted me this morning, and asked that I do a painting for them of the baby- and so this is what I will be giving them.

I also asked them about how they would feel having me there, and they are ok with me being there, which is great. They are suprisingly positive and their faith in God is so very obviously helping them get through this time. Such strong people. I know that I would not be anywhere near as positive or strong!

I lost my baby at 36 weeks a boy, the painting is really a wonderful idea and from my experience that would be very appreciated. Please don't forget to keep asking your friends (both mother and father) how they are months later... this is when i feel i have needed the support from friends the most and this is when friends tend to think you are moving on.