I am currently having trouble deciding when to tell work I am coming back because I can't decide when to put my DD into care!
I realise I am lucky to have choices about when I go back to work (I've been off for four months now) but it is a financial necessity to go back after 12 months and for other reasons (relevant to my career path) the sooner the better.
I have already decided and had agreement from DH that DD comes before my career. Ideally I would stay home with DD (and add to the family) until school age!
However, recent experiences of other mothers close to me have caused me to wonder whether our little ones adjust better at different ages (or different stages of development as the case may be) and that maybe an introduction into CC or FDC starting with a couple of half days a week and gradually working up to three or four full time days would be better. I was thinking maybe from 6 months onwards?
Are there parents who have placed their children later into cc and wish they had done so earlier? Alternatively, any parents placed their children at an early age (whether 6 months or earlier) but still had adjustment issues etc which might indicate that timing really isn't that significant????
I would love some experiences/feedback to guide me here! From the (very) limited examples I have from friends/family our dear children can be quite clingy from 9 months to 12 months and the transition into care a tough one.
It's a hard decision for me because the thought of putting DD into care is still making me sick to the stomach. But it will need to be done at some stage, is it more kind to her to ease her into it?
Finally, I have to be totally honest and say that if she did go into care earlier than the 12 mths I would take up my job on a part time basis . I am not letting that influence my decision but... it still makes me feel like a bad mum. I don't want to deprive her of any time she can have with me, especially when it is already limited!
I think earlier for short periods of time before they get to that separation anxiety age (which just so happens to co-incide with the end of maternity leave provisions!! Although, I think the Rudd govt has it gazetted that maternity leave will soon be 24 months, yay!) probably does help when the time comes to do full days in childcare, because they get a chance to get to know their carer before they develop that 'stranger danger' radar. If you're worried you could try a couple of 1-2 hour sessions and see how it goes. It might either ease your mind or help you make up your mind...
DS didn't go to childcare until almost 2 but he did have short stints with my mum which started from a young age and that was never a problem as he was familiar with her.
I would say 'no'. But I believe young children need to be with their parents/primary care givers. And I would never have trusted strangers to do what I'd like done with my DS.
The tricky thing is, if you put a younger child into Child care YOU will suffer less 'hassle' from it, because there won't be the anxious response that you'll get with an 18 mth old for example.
I do think kids are better off if they can stay with their close people until they get through that stage though - their confidence is much higher and there's no risk to messing with attachment issues.
HAVING SAID ALL THAT, it's just my opinion and I do realise it doesn't work that way for everyone. It really depends where you sit on the parenting fence LOL! And it also depends on what sort of child care you find and how attentive they are to your LO. That makes a massive difference.
DS has been in day-care since he was 7mths old. Never really went through the seperation anxiety phase with him. This could be that I was and still am very happy with the level care and so never had any anxiety of my own for him to pick up on. I did worry leading up to him going into care. Had the illogical and irrational thoughts of that I was giving away my baby and cried on his first day uncontrolably (sp). Now having said that we do have days/weeks even now (he's 26mths and going through one just last week) where he cries when we leave him clinging and asking for cuddles. We do the gentle approach and give him cuddles and ask would you like to go and play with x or do y. If that doesn't work we hand him over to his carer and we can usually hear him playing and talking by the time we get to the car. They pick up on so many things that we dont even realise they do and pull at our heart strings. DS loves day-care 99% of the time and every second week is asking why he can't go on my days off work ROFL. Bag on his back stood at the door in his PJ's :-)
I hope you find a solution that works for your family. It is such a personal decision and only you will know if it's the right time for the both of you.
This is such a tough one! I was so adamant that DS wouldn't go into care until at least 9 months (so as not to jeopardise the attachment process). And I wouldn't trade a moment of the time spent at home with him BUT..the angst of putting him into care at 10 months has made me rethink things.. I think for no. 2 I will seriously consider short hours with a quality carer from about 6 months. We've just pulled DS out of FDC and he's now with Grandma 3 days a week 'recovering' from the trauma of it all! His separation anxiety is terrible and he's so jumpy - he's needs to be held every time a plane flies over!
What a tough decision Both my boys started day care young - one at 7 months and one at 8 months. Both settled in really well and I'm sure starting early helped that. I think that every child and every situation is different though. It's ok to trust your instinct.
Panda - interestingly, we have just started DS2 (now 3) in FDC rather than with grandparents and that's working much better. He did enjoy being with PIL last year, but I was really upset when I discovered he was spending most of the time with them watching TV Now he loves FDC and I know he's having lots of activities.
Ladies, thx for your responses and sharing your thoughts!
It really is difficult and I know a majority of mothers experience these concerns but that doesn't ease the personal torment does it!?
Skeetaboat - I think the one - two hour sessions are a good idea! At least for the first couple of weeks.
Rahjah - if only I could stay at home with DD for 18mths I really would! As for it being a hassle for me that has never been (nor will it be) a consideration. Its about what is best for her.
Thanks Hansie. I have no doubt there will be plenty of tears (at least on my part) at first. And I know that the tears and wanting mummy/daddy is not going to be limited to the first few weeks. It makes sense doesn't it? Mummies and Daddies are our childrens favourite people we wouldn't want it any other way! I guess it is going to be one of those ongoing battles of motherhood!
Panda - I've read some of your other posts and your DS sounds adorable You've done exactly what I was planning on doing. I am just thinking of starting a little earlier than 9 months.
Thanks MantaRay - I hope to do FDC as well, subject to finding someone I am happy with!
i personally prefer day care centres over FDCs. You just never know who's going to be at the house of a FDCer... most have the right heart but I am a worrier!! I had a look at a few and they just didn't sit right with me. I had that same feeling at a few day care centres until I found my dream centre which had a 16 week waiting period but was well worth the wait! Cloth nappies, buying local fresh produce to feed the kids, etc.
My DD started going to creche at 15-16 months old for 1-1.5 hours at the gym a few times a week so I could have a break and occasionally (like every 3 months) she would be babysat by my mum for a few hours. She started at daycare last week at 18 months old and no tears at all (we had LOTS of playdates at the centre though for 10-30 minutes at a time). I have only kept her there for a few hours and will increase this as I feel more ready (I miss her). I also go to a TAFE playgroup starting this year twice a week and I leave her with the students for 20 minutes while I go outside with the other parents and have morning tea. So this is another opportunity for her to be used to being with other people.
While pregnant I planned to go back to work January 2009 hahahaha so don't think too far ahead...
oh so in conclusion I think the later the better but you will know by your child. My daughter did cry with the gym creche but I would go to the toilet and walk back past the creche and she had stopped - if she hadn't of I would've gone back to her and taken her home.
Knowing that the carers would get me if she wasn't able to be settled helped too. Oh and I went to a MOPs playgroup which is 2 hours apart from your child (I cried with this one as it was the first time I'd left her with someone other than my mum) but I checked on her heaps and realised that she was fine without me. When she wasn't they always came into me and asked me to come out to her.
Sorry lots of rambling, hope that some of this made sense!
I believe it depends on the child. DD1 was very needy from birth. I had to go back to work when she was 5 months so I left her with my mother. She had been with my mother heaps before that but she still screamed and screamed. I had no other choice but to work so I couldn't be home with her but at least I knew that my mom was holding her and cuddling her. Eventually she became so attached to my mom that she didn't want to come home at night. When she was 18 months old, my mom asked if we could put her into daycare for 2 days a week to give her some stimulation. She was there for 2 days and the carers told us that if we had any other option, we must try that rather. She cried continuously and was not ready to be without her Nanna or parents. I quit working when she was 2 and have not worked since. I put her into Kindy this year and she did not cope again. She is still a very needy child and separation anxiety gets her every time.
There are some children who run into Kindy the first day and tell their mothers to leave. Each child has their own temprement. Of course, from my experience, I now say that it is better for a child to be home with their mother and I'm glad DD2 has had that experience.
very, very true.. my daughter is extremely outgoing and independent which is why I think she coped so well but when I worked in daycare I saw a lot of children who did not cope at all - would cry so much they would throw up or some babies who we had to say to the parents that daycare wasn't an option try FDC or a nanny as they truly were severly emotionally distressed as they would just not calm down. That must've been so hard having your daughter become so attached to your mum.
Is earlier better for childcare?
) until school age!
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Both my boys started day care young - one at 7 months and one at 8 months. Both settled in really well and I'm sure starting early helped that. I think that every child and every situation is different though. It's ok to trust your instinct.
Now he loves FDC and I know he's having lots of activities.
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