Sleep advice for 2 y.o in a big bed

[lou76]

Hi everyone,

I am looking for some advice/techniques on how to keep my 2 y.o. in his bed at night.

DS moved into his new bed about 3 mths ago and initially there was no problems settling him, but lately things have changed. I am 36wks pregnant and for the past couple of weeks DS has been very clingy and insists on me either lying down next to him (which I can't do anymore) or sitting with him while he falls asleep. He likes to hold my hand or be touching me in some way and generally takes a while to get to sleep. Then, when I think he's alseep and I try to leave, he notices I'm missing and wants me back or he comes looking for me, and it starts all over again. Some nights I sit with him for over 30mins, and there is no way I can do this when bubs arrives. DH also has tried to put him to bed, but DS usually takes longer to settle and calls out to me constantly and DH is getting very frustrated with it taking so long.

He has also decided to start waking during the night, generally around 2am and calling out for me. By the time I get there (it takes me a while to haul myself out of bed) he is up and on his way to our bed, which is where he insists he sleeps. Last night I spent 45 mins with him trying to get him to settle in his own bed, before DH finally took over and slept in his bed with him. We have let him sleep in our bed occassionally in the past, but as a general rule don't let him join us till after 6am. And because he is so clingy, he snuggles up to me and takes over my side of bed which is extremely uncomfortable given the size of my belly.

We have a good bedtime routine, which involves his bath, straight into bed with his milk and then he's read two or more books before lights out. We still try to get him to have a daytime sleep, but that is getting harder and harder and often means sitting with him for ages also. I only let him sleep for a maximum of 2 hrs. I have considered cutting his daytime sleep out, but he gets so cranky in the late afternoon and then won't eat his tea, so it's not worth it. Also, when bubs arrives, I will really need that hour to catch up on some snooze myself, so I really want to keep it going.

I apologise for the lengthy post, but figured it was easier to give all the info rather than just the basics.

Please, any advice you can give us would be greatly aprreciated.

Lou.

[Tiff+2]

I really don't had a lot of advise to give I'm sorry. I was only going to suggest a teddy bear or something of the sort to cuddle to sleep and who will stay with him through the night.

Also waking through the night, DD went through this (it only stopped about a week ago) and it was suggested to me that she may need to go to the toilet, but not really know it... I'm not sure if you're TT yet, but I just asked DD if she wanted to sit on the potty for a min, then I'd put her back to bed. Something to think about anyways.

One other thing DD is wanting now is her lamp on when she goes to sleep. It is a red lava lamp, so not very bright, once isn't on she doesn't have a prob drifting off.

I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help, each chid is different, but thats whats working for us. I hope you get it all sorted out really soon.
GL with bubby too

[didispunk]

I would try putting a gate at his door so he cant get out, and then he will know that he cant get out to your bed as well as waking at night..

Worst thing that can happen is him falling asleep on the floor near the gate when he gets exausted... but then just put him into bed when you go to bed.

He will get the idea after 2-4 days... I have a few friends that have done this.

[AndiE]

I'll follow this thread with interest, as we're going through the same with with DS1 (23months).

DH and I decided - as of yesterday - that we'll no longer lay down with DS1 when we put him down for his day sleep. So yesterday, he was put in bed, with his lullaby music/light to hold, and we left the room. He cried on and off for about 10 mins at his closed bedroom door (I went in to him after 5 mins, and put him back to bed) and he eventually fell asleep a few minutes later behind his door and slept for two hours .

I hate hearing DS1 cry when he's left to settle himself, but with DS2 now on the scene, it's becoming more and more impossible to stay with DS1 till he's fallen asleep. I don't love the idea of controlled crying, but something's just gotta give, because DH and I can't spend up to 60 minutes laying with him till he's fallen asleep. We're hoping that if he can settle himself during the daytime without the tears, then it will flow on to night-time sleeps. We're taking things slowly ...

And DS1 crawls into our bed at night, mostly without us being aware ... he crawls in at the bottom of the bed and quietly works his way up between us . Short of keeping DS1's door closed all night - which I'm not comfortable with, it's one thing during the day when the room's still light, but I think he'd be quite upset to encounter a closed door in the dark - I'm at a loss to "fix" this problem. Others have told me that this behaviour will eventually stop ... we can only hope.

Good luck with things, and as mentioned, I'll keep an eye on this thread for tips anyone has.

[YoYo]

I used to have to do this with my DS. I would have to lie on his bed with him till he fell asleep then sneak off.....I didn't have the trouble of him realising and waking up though.

I remember then one night, I really needed to get up and go to the loo.....so I told him, I was going to the toilet and I'd be back....he stayed quiet....waiting.....then I went back in there and he was asleep. After that for a few days I told him that I was off to the toilet and left him to go to sleep......now we say our ritual words....."Night, Night....sweet dreams....see you in the mooooorrrrrning....I loooovvveee Youuuuuu" and I walk away, he puts himself to sleep and I don't see him till the morning (unless there is something wrong)

If my DS does get up, I always make sure I put him back to bed, cover him up tell him it's time for sleep and he's OK.

It took until 23 months for him to do that though. I think consistency is the key and just keep trying till he gets it. I know it must be hard too with such a big belly. Your DS probably knows something is up and is trying to get as much attention from you as he can before baby comes along.

Good luck with it....and good luck with Baby too

[onthefly]

I remember then one night, I really needed to get up and go to the loo.....so I told him, I was going to the toilet and I'd be back....he stayed quiet....waiting.....then I went back in there and he was asleep. After that for a few days I told him that I was off to the toilet and left him to go to sleep......now we say our ritual words....."Night, Night....sweet dreams....see you in the mooooorrrrrning....I loooovvveee Youuuuuu" and I walk away, he puts himself to sleep and I don't see him till the morning (unless there is something wrong)

I think Elizabeth Pantley suggests something like this to establish a pattern of always coming back, so they're reassured and eventually learn to drift off by themselves. I'm thinking of trying it soon as we are moving DS to a single bed. Will be interesting to see how it goes, as he's currently on a queen size mattress on the floor...

[lou76]

Thanks everyone for the words of advice. In true form, the last two nights haven't been too bad with the settling - due to being out and DS falling asleep in the car, and then today he wouldn't go down for a day sleep so he crashed straight after dinner!!

Waking during the night has been an issue though, and I have been attempting to use the "I'll be back" trick which actually worked in the early hours of this morning, so thank you MiniMax and Marcellus for suggesting this. Have also left his night light on too, which appeared to help somewhat.

Pish - we have been 'planting the seed' re: toilet training, but he's not yet ready. He has told us 'Poo' a couple of times when he has woken, so we have taken him to the toilet but he doesn't do anything, and I suspect he uses it as an excuse to get out of bed!! He sleeps with his fluffy 'Monkey' already, so he already has something to comfort himself with. I actually wonder if I should put something of mine next to his pillow so that he can 'smell me' but wonder if this will only create more problems when I am in hospital with bub no. 2.

Didispunk - I am sooo tempted to put up a gate but I'm going to leave that as my last resort if I can. Thanks for the suggestion though.

AndiE - I tried closing the door today (and holding the door handle so he couldn't open it )and talked to him through the door, telling him to go back to bed and giving him a count of 5 to go to bed before I came back in, but it didn't really have much effect on him. I did this a couple of times, giving him longer each time, but he just refused to go to sleep. I agree that sorting out the daytime sleeps will help with the nightime, it's just so frustrating that I'm the only one home most days to deal with it and as I desperately need a snooze myself I end up getting very cranky!!

Anyway, please keep the advice coming, it's good to see what others have done in similar situations.

Cheers, Lou.

[sunshine_sieben]

DD also went through a rotten sleep stage before DS was born. I was as worried as you were.
But, you know what, things sorted themselves out after DS was born.
If DS was awake when it was time for DD's day sleep, I took him into her room where I BF him while waiting for her to fall asleep. At night time, DH took him while I put DD to sleep or he would put her to sleep himself.
DD's night wakings were DH's responsibility, DS's were mine. DS slept with me, so if I had too get up to her, I would have woken him.

DD still sleeps for 2-3 hours during the day (she's 2 & 8 months).
I really hope that your plan to get some shut eye while your toddler sleeps will work out. For me it rarely happens. My kids like to do shifts to make sure mummy doesn't get lonely - very considerate of them, isn't it? *sigh*

[lou76]

Yah - success!! Tonight we have finally been able to try the "we'll be back" method to get him to self settle and go to sleep, and it worked after only 20mins!! We did slip up last night though - DS managed to get into bed without either DH or myslef fully waking up and so ended up sleeping there from 4.30 onwards! We can only try again tonight on that one, but I did ask him if he was going to stay in his own bed all night tonight, and he nodded 'yes'!!

Sunshine-sieben - Thank you for your positive comments, it is good to know I'm not the only one and that things will be ok. I'd never really thought about sitting on bed breastfeeding bubs while trying to get DS to have his day nap, but will definately keep that one to try. I'm determined, in those early weeks, to try and get a nanna nap in if I can!!

AndiE - hope DS is settling OK for you. Let us know if your having any luck with any of the above tips.

Cheers,

Lou.

[onthefly]

That's great Lou!
I've tried it a little, but I can't be gone for long before DS gets upset. He's in his big bed now for teh second night... will see how we go. He refers to it as the new bed, as opposed to his bed (ie, the mattress on the floor). We should just remove it, I know, but it's my fallback for when he needs me in the night. I spent the second half of the night there last night as he just kept waking up and I couldn't do the yoyo anymore. He slept fine with me there, though, and thankfully didn't actually need me to get into bed with him! So that's an improvement really.

[AndiE]

Glad to hear you've had some success with DS sleeping Lou - hopefully it will be repeated again and again till it's the norm. And we know all about sneaky bed sharers here ... our DS1 has a masters degree in this discipline!

As for us, we seem to be going ok with DS1 self settling since DH and I finally put an end to us laying down next to him for up to 45 mins while he settled and finally went to sleep. He will have a little cry (usually no more than 5 mins and getting less each day/night) and then nods off. Only trouble is ... he's falling asleep behind his closed bedroom door !! I tend to leave him there during the day, but we move him after 20 or so mins at night. And lest anyone envisions a "poor", sobbing DS scratching pitiously away at a closed bedroom door at night, begging to be let out ... I promise he's not that distraught! Well ... maybe there IS a little bit of pitious scratching and begging Yes, I'm joking.

One thing at a time though, we'll get on top of him self-settling to sleep, and then tackle his sneaky bed sharing habit.

[onthefly]

AndiE, I'm pretty sure that if I wasn't there with him while he went to sleep DS would do the same...only I reckon he'd be crying for a whole lot longer before he fell asleep.

Well, last night was slightly better. I was able to leave him again after he woke up - twice and the second time he'd fallen out. I had to remind him to scoot over toward the wall so he wouldn't fall out again, but he went back to sleep without too much fuss and didn't wake up when I went back to my own bed.

It takes a loooong time for him to settle at night. Last night he spent ages screaming and sobbing about his stool (by the bed so he can climb up) - no idea what the problem was. I *think* he wanted to take the stool somewhere but we wouldn't let him leave the room. It was strange for him to cry for so long - usually he gets over things like that pretty quickly. Once he finally calmed down he went to sleep quickly, though.

[AndiE]

Marcellus - this toddler sleeping gig is such fun, isn't it We have a barrier on DS1's bed to stop him falling out, cos he's a total wriggle worm in bed. It's hard though isn't it ... we want them to settle and be happy and comfortable when they're trying to go to sleep (as they should be ideally), but in order to do that we end up doing what we "probably" shouldn't be doing iykwim. Sigh ... I honestly believe it is a case of whatever works at the time. Trust me, I don't like hearing DS1 cry and I don't like knowing he's fallen asleep behind his closed door but ... with the arrival of DS2, I (DH too) just wasn't able to wait with DS1 while he fluffed and farted around for 45mins (or more) before finally falling asleep. What you're doing works for you and your DS now and I'm sure you'll both adapt as, and when, you need to .

[onthefly]

Yep, I hear you. I wish it took 45 minutes!
I figure he'll learn to wriggle less if he falls out of bed a few times ... I know, I know...

[lou76]

Well, I think we have done it and I wish I had asked for advice earlier!! For the second night in a row DS has self settled, with me putting him to bed with his milk, reading him his books, and then turning out the light and telling him "Goodnight - mummy will come back in a minute to check on you". He turned the light on once after I left the first time, but with only checking on him three more times in under 10mins, he is asleep!!! Couldn't have done it without your help, so a big THANK YOU

And... to top it off, DS only woke up once during night (at 5.30am) and stayed in his bed till I went to him. All he really wanted was some milk, which once I gave it too him was all he needed and went back to sleep till 7.30am BONUS!! Obviously my conversation with him before bed actually sunk in. I had another one with him tonight, so hopefull it'll work again.

AND... I managed to get him to have a day sleep today without too much trouble. I did have to close and hold the door for 5 minutes at one point when he kept on getting out of bed, but went in after his crying slowed and he went straight back to the bed and layed down. As he was still a bit upset I did have to stay with him, but he fell asleep within 5 minutes and to be honest, I'm just glad that he actaully went to sleep! Will have to keep on working at this one a bit more, but I think if we have success in one area that it may flow over to the others!

So overall, after only two days of really trying we are having success!!

Marcellus - Yahh! Well done with getting your DS to settle a little more easily too! I'm thinking the trick is patience and persistance (I can say that now after only two nights, can't I???) We too had a bed guard up for DS when he first went into his big bed, but I hated making the bed with it on, and it was also starting to get difficult for me to get in/out as my belly grew, so it really only stayed on for a couple of weeks. Instead, we now have an extra pillow with runs along the edge of the bed which acts as a 'speed bump' and also gives us something extra to tuck him in with. He actually moves his pillow into the right spot if it isn't where it should be. Anyway, good luck with everything.

AndiE - Self settling behind the door is better than not self settling at all. Well done on persisting and not giving in to his crying! Keep up with it and I'm sure it will pay off in the end. As for bed sharing, if he's not waking you up when he does it, at least it isn't disrupting the sleep you need to be getting now DS2 is here. Give it time and I'm sure it'll work itself out.

Cheers,

Lou.

[sunshine_sieben]

Oh, I'm sure you are extremely relieved that sleep seems to be working itself out now. Well done.

I just remembered one thing that I used to do when DD still needed me to sit with her while falling asleep. After her milk, a book and a cuddle I used to tell her that she has to close her eyes and if she doesn't keep them closed, I would get up and leave the room. With her eyes closed, she couldn't fight sleep for too long.

[onthefly]

That's great Lou! I guess your change in tack nicely coincided with changes in your DS' ability to self settle

Sunshine - I do the same sort of thing. mummy will only stay if DS stays in bed/lies still/closes his eyes. He just can't keep it up though We'll get there. He only woke twice last night and went back to sleep pretty quickly.

DS HATES sheets and blankets so we can't tuck him in. He didn't roll out last night - stayed squarely in the middle. I think he may have learned already

[*suz1*]

Congrats to Lou and to AndiE and Marcellus! I wish I had found this thread earlier, might have saved myself some grief It started out like Lou when I was pregnant and had to lie on the bed with DS to get him to sleep. It escalated to staying up until 10pm, having to wake him in the mornings and tantrums, no daytime sleep, bad behaviour and biting! We've just gone through 2 nights of keeping to a strict bedtime of 7pm and closing the bedroom door until DS is asleep and there's been only a little bit of crying. DS is like a completely different child now, much happier and is letting me put him down for a day sleep with no fuss when he used to flat out refuse! Hopefully after a couple more nights I'll be able to put him to bed at night without having to close the door.