We are expecting our second baby in July and have a daughter who has just turned 2. I just wanted to get people's opinions on how to cope really. We are from the UK so have no family help and are moving interstate a month before the baby is due so won't even know anyone either, my husband also works really long hours and mostly 6 to 7 days a week.
We don't have anyone from home who can come over to help either, so I just wondered what people do in this situation. For the birth my husbands brother (who is backpacking) will hopefully look after our little girl - although he won't change nappies so am not sure what to do there!!
I'm more thinking afterwards how do people cope with a newborn and toddler, housework, ironing, cooking etc with the total lack of sleep and support? I'm thinking of an au pair or some sort of help for the first 3 months if we can afford it, which we can't really, but I remember with the first I felt like a total zombie every waking minute but at least we were in the UK and had huge family support. Plus our daughter is very clingy to me as I give her all her daily care as her Dad works most of the time. We are moving intersate as he has a promotion which hopefully will mean he will work less but I'm not holding my breath to be honest.
,
If anyone has been or is in a similar situation any advice would be appreciated.
Hi. I was in the same situation with no friends or family to help out when my second baby was born. In the end DH had to miss the birth to stay home and look after DS.
I would suggest getting out to mothers groups etc with your DD as much as possible just to see other people. As an alternative to a nanny/au pair, you could look at getting a cleaner in - that may be a bit cheaper and will lessen your load.
My DH works away a fair bit. We live 3000km from family too. When I was due my mum came up for a few weeks to help out. I was induced, so she was able to drop my older 2 off at daycare for the majority of my labour. DD3 was born while mum was out picking them up. DH was home for the birth and was able to take a couple of weeks off, but when he went back to work I still had a nb, an almost 2 year old and a 3 year old. I just did what I could, the important things like dishes and washing were all I could manage for a little while. We also had to stop daycare during this time for financial reasons. Don't pressure yourself to be immaculate, as long as you home is hygenic the rest can wait.
Not my personal experience, but I know of a couple who organised a girl through Au Pair to help out. Once everyone had found their feet and were comfortable, she then took over as nanny when the mum went back to work at 9 months. It works really well for them as they have no family in the country and don't know many people in Cairns.
little mr was 21 months when miss came home. Dh only home for 4 days. agreed only do what you can do, i cooked heaps before so had food in freezer only had to do pasta or salad etc.
asked peeps to bring fresh fruit bread ann dmilk instead of gift for bub- helped heaps.
i also would nap adn put them both down at the same time aroubnd 1pm they both slept for 2 hours and i slept during that time- didnt care about house etc jsut slept.
most important- i put a sign on the door saying if you haven't called.. i'm not answering hte door i have a newborn and a toddler!!
DS1 was 18 months when DS2 was born, DH had 2 weeks off (I was in hospital 6 days). I had CS with both and just did what I could. As long as kids were changed and fed that was the main thing. I made sure I put stuff straight in dishwasher and did regular clothes washing, I still have days now when it all piles up.
it is pretty difficult, especially with not help, or very little help.
If you can't/don't get an au pair, then you will have to prioritise what you can do. At the top of that list is always you, then your kids. Everything else falls somewhere further down. Honestly, don't worry about the house not being 100%, its really not that important. Vacuuming and mopping the floors *can* wait. Sometimes if Ryan has just gone to sleep and I need to vac the carpet, I will actually use a dustpan and brush, and firmly brush the carpets. Great exercise for the arms, and its quiet so kids stay asleep.
I try to cook big meals so that some can go in the fridge/freezer for the next day or few. Keep a supply of cooked rice in the fridge (cooked white rice keeps well, just fluff it up as it cools so it doesn't stick together too much), it does save time when you realise there is not a lot for dinner (and makes a good lunch for you mixed with a small can of tuna or something like that).
Probably also try to do a small load of washing each day and get it hung out. If its clean and dry, then there's always something to wear, even if it is in a big pile on the couch! If you have clothes that need to be ironed (except office work shirts, this doesn't really work with them), smooth each item firmly and flatly as soon as you can after the machine finishing. Just use your hands, and 'brush' with your hands as if you were brushing fluff off the clothes. I do this on top of my washing machine. Fold and put in the basket, then hang up to dry. Doing this, I no longer have to iron the Man's work clothes. Even though he works on cars all day, he would like his polo shirt and jeans ironed. It really does work on jeans. I have just started doing it on the kids clothes, and they come up fabulous. Sorry, that was a lot of talking on laundry! It just means I don't have to get the iron out with two little kids under my feet.
Get your husband to train his brother on the nappy changing. Give him a doll or teddy bear to practice on. Make him do it.
Maybe just get a cleaner in once a week to do the housework for you if possible, it would be a lot cheaper than an au pair, but it really depends on how things go. My Man wasn't a whole lot of help (but sometimes he was a huge help), so I have to do pretty much everything on my own. Just me and the two little ones. My Mum thinks I am a zombie.
Anyway, it is possible, but don't feel put off, or upset if you can't get it to happen. My house is a mess even though my Man is here, and I wish it wasn't, but I know it will get there.
Becky, it will be hard at first. But once the baby is a bit bigger it should get easier, as the two children will entertain each other and give you some time to get other things done. I had two under two with little help in the beginning and I survived, but I will be honest with you, the first 6 - 12 months were very tough.
The first thing I suggest is that you get a sling for the baby. Being able to do other things while settling the baby is a huge help, and it is also easier than having two in the pram when you go out (if the baby will even be happy in the pram). My sling was my life saver in the first months.
Secondly, try to do as little as possible at first. If you can freeze some meals up before the baby comes, that will mean you will have nights where dinner just needs to be heated. If anyone offers to help, say yes. Ask them if they would mind bringing a meal around for you, or doing a load of washing. People won't offer if they don't really want to help. If I had my time again, I'd ask for help after the baby is born instead of presents. See if your DH can iron his own shirts or buy wash and wear ones. Think about doing online shopping so you don't have to try and get to the supermarket so often with two kids. Don't worry too much about housework, do only what needs to be done, and get a cleaner if you can afford it. Make things as easy on yourself as you can because looking after two kids and getting some rest are going to take all your time.
For a while I had trouble getting out of the house as the boys would tag-team their sleeps, and get very cranky if they missed a sleep. So BB was my life-saver at that time. Some days it was the only human contact I had until DH got home. If you can, find some mums in the area who will come to you for coffee etc so you don't have to go out to meet people, and if you are lucky they might give you a hand while they are there.
As the others have said it's by no means easy but it works and you make it work.
DD1 was 15mths when DD2 was born and DP has been working 7 days a wk and at times leaving the house at 7 and not getting home til 8
I do have family relatively close but not close enough to help and i don't really ask, i found the 2nd time round a LOT easier though as you already have a bit more of a routine and are likely to be a little more relaxed about it all.
GL and i hope someone can watch DD for you so you an enjoy your birthing experience together!
Thanks for your emails. I guess I will have to let things slide and just keep up with essentials. Freezing food is a good idea but DH hates re-heated/left over food as for some strange reason he thinks its not fresh food-go figure?!? He will just have to lump it though or cook himself.
I plan on joining plenty of play groups etc when we move with DD as she's very busy now with friends/library and it tires her out otherwise she doesn't have a day sleep which I really want her to keep having!!
Am thinking maybe occassional care for her one day a week also now shes turned 2 and possibly a cleaner/ironer once a week as not sure I'd need full time help with an au pair.
Thanks again for your replies its reassuring to know others have done it and coped.
I just wanted to let you know I did it as a new migrant with no family. My house was messy but my babies (15 mths apart) were happy and we were all fed. Just take each day as you go, make the most of whenever you have some time, be it to clean or to sleep.
I also agree with the suggestion of joining a playgroup. And look into ordering your food through the internet and get home delivery. It takes a huge task off your hands and lets you plan meals in advance so you always have what you need when cooking.
I'll be in a similar situation to you although my first is oldest. I'm not going to be able to walk, bend, stand very well after the birth and DP works odd hours meaning that he's not home at dinner/bed time for one week out of every two. We have no family to help.
I'm thinking about getting a babysitter for the really rough hours say between 4-7pm so that they can look after the kids while I'm looking after dinner or vice-versa. So not all day, just crunch time when one pair of hands won't cut it.
Registered User
Thoughts on newborn and toddler with little help.
i have a newborn and a toddler!!
it is pretty difficult, especially with not help, or very little help.
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks