Does a mother's temperament determine a 'high maintenance' child?
I'm struggling to put my question into words so I hope this makes sense:
We have a number of friends who parent 'gently' (baby wearing, co-sleeping etc etc) and observing what lovely well-adjusted children they have, we decided we'd go down the same road with DD. For the most part people remark how 'advanced', 'chilled out', 'delightful' our DD seems but when it come to getting her to sleep she needs to be held (usual by me!) and lots of motion - she will only sleep if I rock or 'bounce' (on a fitball) her and then lay down with her for a spell. DD also has a lot of trouble falling asleep in a carseat (gives her motion but she cannot be held). She gets quite 'clingy' to me when tired, so outwardly she gives the impression of being a 'high maintenance' child.
Now I have no problem doing all these things for her to help her sleep and have the full support of my 'gentle parenting' friends, but I do get a lot of hints from others (family and friends) that because I'm somewhat 'highly strung' in personality (drama queen, stress head etc) DD is picking up on this and developing her own personality that way too.
I've thought about our gentle parenting friends and they are all pretty chilled out people with chilled out bubs who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat just about anywhere! Maybe there is some truth to the 'digs' I'm getting? But my DP is very easy going - surely his temperament has a balancing effect? We do know one gentle parenting couple where the mum has a permanent state of chaos around her but still has a chilled out bub - the dad is very laid back so I'm hoping this family is proof a 'highly strung' mum does not equate to a high maintenance child.
Sorry for the ramble - I guess I'm looking for other examples like the one above so I can stop blaming myself for DD not settling easily and tell my negative family and friends to sod off!
We sound so similar. I too am a bit of a drama queen and my DH is so chilled.
DD has alwasy been a super chilled kid, but come sleep time, especially around the 0-5 month mark it HAD to be me and it HAD to be a boob in her mouth.
Urgh! Just remembering those car trips with her SCREAMING makes me tense. She also hated the pram and would scream in that. I used to stare at other children asleep in their prams and think...how do they do it?
BUT. It passed. I can't remember when, but DD now always falls asleep in the car (I think that was about 10 months) and by 8 months she LOVED a new stroller my mum bought (I think she hated my very expensive fandangled pram!)
Anyway. It is so, so normal for attachment-parented babies to do this. Most mums who parent like us, just avoid the car (or use a dummy in the car) and don't even own prams. It might have something to do with the baby's personality, in that, they are super sensitive, and hyper aware of their surroundings and the fact mum isn't holding them.
For people to start pointing the finger at you, and undermining what a great mum you are is not acceptable (and is so, so freakin typical of people who don't understand babies...when in doubt blame it on the mum! Grrr)
you're doing a great job! Your dd is perfect. P.E.R.F.E.C.T!!! Can we help you cope with the sitaution better? Because we're here for you when you need.
I can't believe people say stuff like that to you - how rude! I think that every child is so different and it is just in their personality. I have 3 kids and each of them are so different. DD1 is very easy going but can get quite stressed very short spurts while DS is just a little ball of anger most of the time. It's just their personalities and I try to understand how they are feeling and teach them strategies to deal with those emotions. They are not bad emotions for them to have, they just have to express them appropriately.
I also think it is impossible to tell from just a couple of weeks from certain behaviours whether that means that they are like that because all kids go through stages and behave differently at different times.
I think this really gets into the whole argument of nature Vs nurture. I think a lot of our personality traits are in our DNA and there is not much that we can do to change it. I think problems arise when we start labelling certain personality traits as negative because it gives kids the idea that it is not okay and they are not okay. They can also feel very angry/resentful or abnormal if their feelings and personality aren't taken seriously or people are constantly trying to change them.
I don't think it is a problem if your baby is starting to show those personality traits, I think what is more important is teaching her how to deal with her feelings, work through them, understand them and express them in an appropriate way. She may not be able to help how she is feeling and I think that people considering them negative emotions may have a worse affect on her throughout her life.
I think it sounds like you are doing a great job with her. Gentle parenting will help her to learn to express her emotions and what you are doing shows her that you accept her just the way she is which is what most kids need.
Lots of 6 month olds have difficulty settling to sleep, even when parented gently. You just have to have a look around the threads to see that is not all that unique. I think she sounds perfectly normal to me. Some babies just love sleeping more than others and can do it anywhere. I have 3 kids that have all been very different in their ability to go to sleep and at different stages, their needs have all been different again. I just work with them as best I can to make sure that they are getting what they need and feel safe and secure while it is happening.
Don't worry about what other people say, I think they are rude!
I believe at 6 months babies go through a massive development leap, she could be teething as well, there are probably a number of things going on "behind the scenes" that you cannot see.
SHe sounds just like Shae tbh and I sound very much like you If YOU are happy with your parenting choices then to hell with everyone else. Your DD will develop her own traits and if she is labelled "high maintenance" by others you can just reply that she is over tired or over stimulated .... it may or may not actually be the case but most rational people will understand that being over tired makes one cranky (unless they are my mother).
Have you spoken to your friends who are also using GP to see if they had similar experiences?
I often have to remind myself that I see DD 100% of her waking time, I know her best, I know what she needs 95% of the time, I know she is a happy baby who is developing well, Yes there are days when her needs are higher but that does not mean she is "high maintenance" It usually means something is going on and usually with a day or two I see something new she can do or have mastered.
Through all my waffle basically what I am saying is she sounds perfectly normal to me. Just remember that the people making those "derogatory comments" have probably parented the way they were "told to" rather than being guided by instinct so they know no better. Here are some pearls of wisdom my MCHN said to me "Any issues others have with YOUR parenting choices is a reflection on their own issues/insecurities" It is challenging for others, older generations particularly, to have a new way of parenting shoved in their faces because it probably reflects the choices they wished they had made for themselves. Its NOT your issue hun, Its THEIRS.
If you weren't happy, then there are of course things you could try, not because you're doing anything wrong, just if you wanted things different. If bub needs to be held, perhaps a baby carrier would help, if she fell asleep in the sling maybe she'd transfer easily to her bed.
For what it's worth, I know anxious people with chilled children and vice versa. I do believe that when it comes to fears, anxieties, we can sometimes sort of pass them to children (for example, if I stress about an issue, then my children learn it's an issue), but even that's not guaranteed.
So I guess my answer is sort of mixed. What you're describing doesn't sound abnormal, and bub is only 6 months. And you say you and bub are happy so that's great! Kids have different temperaments and personalities - I was a great sleeper and my sister was a pain in that regard - same parents!
However, it's really great that you're self aware about anything bub might pick up on, and I can't answer that for you. If you think you stress too much about things, and you can moderate that so that bub doesn't pick up on it, that's probably a good thing - for both you and bub. xo
So yeah, summed up - sounds fine and normal and great! But also your self-awareness is fantastic too.
i have two children that have both been parented exactly the same way - breastfed, co-slept etc. etc. and one is hyperactive and wild and the other is what i would call high maintanence, more whingy and sensitive and definitely not easy going. they're completely different kids with completely different personalities. it sounds like you're doing a great job, keep it up!
Sorry, that just isn't true, they are who they are. I tend towards the stressier end of the spectrum but both of my kids are usually pretty chilled out. Don't doubt yourself and don't doubt what you are doing...if people can see you are confident in your parenting they won't even question it, kwim? You sound like you're doing a great job of it, too.
I really think they are all individuals.
My girls are both extremely different. DD1 is more clingy, needs more reassurance, sleeps badly and is very mum centred. DD2 is more independant, stubborn and less reliant on me (even at 15 months). DD2 has coslept, demand fed and been held pretty much constantly from nb-11 months old then began asserting her independence in a big way!
Who knows how it all happens - but regardless it must be a combo of every influence in their worlds - not just one!
Sounds like you are doing a great job about reflecting on your experiences and influences on and with your babe....don't let anyone knock your confidence. Sounds like you are doing a fab job. xxx
Wow!
What a fabulous amount of responses and support in such a small space of time! Big thanks to all of you - you've made my week
Basically you've just confirmed what a probably knew was true but needed to hear from those not so close to me I'm not doubting my parenting methods one bit - perhaps just wondering whether I'm letting other people's opinions get in my way - which I reckon I have!
I think I'm projecting a lot of my fears that my own mum's hyper-anxious, strict parenting and drama-queen personality has shaped my sensitivities - ie can I stop the cycle? (Ironically it's my mum (and sis) making most of the comments!)
So good to hear of such a wide range of personalities being successfully GP'd within the same family too
I'm chilled. I was told off by several midwives for being too relaxed during pregnancy. I'm the most chilled first-time mother in the world, apparently.
And DS is so high-maintainance that all my friends tell me how "bad" I have it! He's not anxious, he just loves having his Mama around him. I'm his best friend and he doesn't want that to stop.
The jury's out for me. I know chilled out mums with chilled out kids, and highly strung mums with highly strung kids. And I know mums/kids who are total opposites!
I honestly think kids will be what they are destined to be - including being influenced by the way they are parented and influenced by their genetics.
IMO, babies and toddlers go through stages. One night they are happy to self settle to sleep ... the next night (and for the next 6 months) they need physical and emotional help to nod off. We do what we need to do for our child's security and comfort. We've only just got our 23mo DS1 back to self settling ... it only took 6 months! Now our DS1 creeps into our bed at night (we often wake up to find him between us) and seems happy to sleep like the dead providing he can fling his leg over us, or have a hand under one of our armpits.
To be polite ... up the bottoms of people who stick their nose into your style of parenting and your daughter's individuality. You know your daughter, you know the best way of parenting her. Keep up the good work, I say
I tend to go with the they are what they are theory too.
DP is very relaxed, I veer between the biggest control freak you've ever met to presenting a very chillaxed persona to hide my nuttiness
DD basically came into the world saying, "OK, I'm here now. Let's get this party started."
She has rarely played with other kids but is the most social creature you've ever met and that is most definitely nature not nurture.
On the other hand, when we do go to the playground I see other parents literally hovering over their children saying "careful, careful, no, you might hurt yourself" and think "really, what chance does that kid have of developing any physical self-confidence?"
So I think kids come out with their own little personality but it is possible to shape it a little either positively or negatively depending on how you role model.
Does a mother's temperament determine a 'high maintenance' child?
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you're doing a great job! Your dd is perfect. P.E.R.F.E.C.T!!! Can we help you cope with the sitaution better? Because we're here for you when you need.
If YOU are happy with your parenting choices then to hell with everyone else. Your DD will develop her own traits and if she is labelled "high maintenance" by others you can just reply that she is over tired or over stimulated .... it may or may not actually be the case but most rational people will understand that being over tired makes one cranky (unless they are my mother).
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