DP''s Ex - What Would Be An Emotionally Mature Way To Handle This?

[fionas]

Long story short. DP's ex has behaved very dishonourably regarding financial issues. After thousands of dollars spent on lawyers, probably hundreds of hours spent discussing it with DP, this is nearing resolution.

I accepted a long time ago that nothing I could do could change DP's ex's thinking or actions on the financial stuff. And just for the record, I'm right and she's wrong

Because I accepted, to some extent the financial disagreements, I attempted to put out an olive branch on other stuff because I felt it was worthwhile trying to build a relationship with her given that her daughter (DSD) now lives with us. I thought it would be useful if we could present a united front to DSD and we couldn't do that if there wasn't some degree of cordiality between us.

Anyhow, because DP's ex lives in the US, these efforts have usually been via email and I've always been careful to be really nice and helpful whenever I answer the phone to her when she phones for DSD.

I've spent hours researching places for her to stay in Melbourne (when she was talking about visiting), found and sent to her lots of information on Australia's education system and what DSD's options will be under various scenarios.

She has not even acknowledged the emails, let alone answered them.

DP sent her a very detailed email last week about DSD's recent parent-teacher night, explaining what they felt DSD's strengths and weaknesses were etc. etc. She sent a one-line response asking for money which we'd said we'd send in order to resolve the big picture financial stuff. So, nothing about DSD.

So.

I don't respect her, don't like her and really resent the amount of time I've spent over the last few years trying to figure her out, trying to reach out to her.

Every time I answer the phone to her, I want to abuse her. Now obviously I'm not going to do that but I just don't want to speak to her. Answering the phone and keeping the conversation short and monosyllabic just doesn't work for me. Then I feel rude and I don't like feeling rude.

I'm thinking of writing to her and telling her that if I answer the phone to her again, I will put it straight down and explaining briefly my reasons why. Because that's actually what I want to do. I don't want to say a word to her.

And it won't really affect DSD - her mom can call her on her mobile anyway so it's not like the homephone is their only point of contact.

What other ways could I deal with this?

[kirsty_lee]

Personally in your situation I just wouldn't want to deal with her. Especially with your DSD age, as you said her mother can contact her kwim. Instead of stressing yourself, especially when your pregnant babe. Either email or write to her and just be honest (without blasting her of course) and just say that you feel like you have put a whole bunch of effort into the "relationship" with her and you arent getting very much, if anything back and you think it would just be best if it was just your DP and her that corresponded kwim? Obviously not you being kept in the dark, but just without YOU having to talk to her yourself.

[Kazbah]

Gosh. I have no idea. I think you're being so emotionally mature already - more so than I!

[Catastrophic]

Hmm, Do you have Caller ID, so you can see when she is calling and just get DSD to answer it, or not answer it at all ??

Or my other suggestion... (my very childish - but my way to keep the peace) just be fake, don't go out of your way to help her, give her the common courtesy you would any stranger "hi hello, hows are you? here is DSD" nothing more...

Does that sound weird...

Just bang your head against the wall once shes off the phone...

Sorry I am not much help!

[lindsaymaree]

Gosh. I have no idea. I think you're being so emotionally mature already - more so than I!

I'm with Kazbah! There's no way I could handle that situation as well as you have already. xxxxx

[Inanna]

I am not quite sure I understand Fiona...

You're feeling like you've given her lots of info etc, been very friendly and helpful & she's not giving you what you want? Is that right?

I get if that's the case that you would feel a bit bewildered and like you are banging your head on the wall.

I think you need to decide your motives for being helpful & friendly. If it's because that's how you prefer to be. Then continue to be you and let go of expectations on how she should behave.

She may never respond to you in the way you want her to & I get that's hard but that's a reality. If you're only being nice to get that back from her then you need to decide what to do now on I would say...

Remembering she has a history with your partner that you don't share. She has suffered hurt & pain that you probably could never understand. That was their history. It could be quite confronting for her to have financial issues still with your partner after all this time and the double whammy of what might feel for her as a loss of her daughter to you...

It could be a real challenge for her. As I recall your DSD had issues with her Mum and came to live with you. Now you guys are also having issues too - teenagers are hard work. Teenage daughters and their Mums are a fragile reaction at the best of times... I would hazard a guess that it's very very confronting for this woman to have her daughter gone from her life and over here...

So, if it were me personally I would behave as I feel authentic doing so. I would also give her a bit of rope as I really think there would be a fair amount of pain for her in the situation...

Being nice makes you feel good & it just might over time help your family have some healing...

[fionas]

OK.

I feel like I've cut her an enormous amount of slack despite her doing any number of appalling things to DSD as well as putting DP and I through hell on the financial stuff.

I've been nice to her in the last 12 months, because, as I explained, I felt that would be better for DSD in the long run. It IS my nature to be nice or basically try to do the decent thing - ie forgive, forget, let's move on to the more important thing which is helping DSD a much as possible.

I have a problem with the way she has reacted because I really don't think it takes that much effort to send a short email response saying, "thanks for the info - that was really helpful."

I feel like I'm trying to do the decent thing and, as usual, she doesn't want to come to the party.

If she was a 100% nasty pasty, then obviously I wouldn't bother. But she does have good qualities and she does do some amount of self-reflection.

So ... having tried, what feels authentic to me is to tell her I'm over making an effort, that I find her rude and that I will no longer be courteous to her when she phones. I don't like being rude to people without explaining why and I simply can't keep the conversation short and business-like without feeling rude. Plus, I guess I want to write to her telling her I find her rude to get it out of my system. There seems no point me feeling she's rude without actually telling her. I don't expect THAT to achieve anything at all but at least I will have been honest about my feelings.

[MrsFabuloso]

I would just be honest. Tell her why you don't want to talk to her (don't like her/respect her...due to her lack of interest in her own daughter, yada yada) unless absolutely necessary about your DSD and other wise just don't talk to her.

[Inanna]

Well it sounds like you have worked out what you feel best about.

Just sleep on it a while. I have always found that it takes less energy to be nice than it does to be cross... I get the need to vent and let it out - I encourage it and I do it often! Sometimes though you can do it without needing to send it. If it's not going to be heard well, & if it inadvertently affects your DSD maybe just sleep on it and see how you feel in a few days... Good luck!

[Traveller]

If you do decide to email her, draft the message first and send it the next day, You may find a sleep will encourage you to reword it.

My personal advice is to keep the email short and sweet. Do not mention her relationship with her DSD or what you think of her as a mother. That is too personal and will only make things difficult and possibly put your DSD in a difficult spot between the two of you. A simple "I really feel I have tried to keep things civilised between us, but I feel you are not meeting me halfway, so I think it best if you only deal with DP and DSD from now on.

Good luck with this. It is so hard to have this conversation with someone but you will feel better afterwards

T
xx

[Lulu]

Fi, this is more about you needing to tell her something right? Is she all of a sudden going to listen and/or be reasonable? No.

She has handed over the care of SDD to you and DH and doesn't seem interested in anything further.
I think she has given you clear signals she isn't interested in any sort of relationship with you so why push it?
It doesn't mean you have to be rude or give her a sermon on "why I think you SUCK", and that would be wasting more of your time anyway.

Just don't answer the phone, or say Hi, I'll just get DD for you. I don't see the point of telling her she is rude. I don't think she gives a crap what you think anyway

[Inanna]

:yeahthat: again... (what is it with you Lulu!) I reckon you've hit the nail on the head...

[fionas]

Oh, it's totally about my need to tell her that I think she's rude

And I absolutely know it won't achieve anything.

I just find it really difficult to do even the "I'll just get DSD" on the phone.

Her whingy, whiney voice annoys me. Her fake politeness annoys me. The last time I answered the phone, I simply said DSD wasn't in, said yes I would tell her she called and hung up before she could say anything more. That felt rude to me and I hate feeling childish and hypocritical - you're rude so I'M going to be rude but I'm not going to tell you why, I'm just going to BE rude.

Bloody woman. And stupid me for being OTT over-analyser.

[blackduckies]

Inanna and Lulu, i think you are spot on.
Fiona, its not worth it..I bet if you do it you'll feel worse later on, write it down sleep on it, maybe just the fact you say it write, it read, it will make all the difference. The emotion involved in it for you will make you do something that you would'nt noramlly do, I agree just get her daughter when she rings, don't go out of your way anymore, she obviously does'nt want you to.
i persoanlly would'nt like it,no matter how good the intentions were, I am in no way defending her and regardless of why the girl lives with you and her dad, it would still hurt.
Goodluck but think long and hard about it.

[Lulu]

You should probably find a way to annoy her back - just so you can let off some of that pent up backlog you got going there. Maybe just make farting noises down the line, or speak to her in a russian accent whilst trying to keep a straight face, or tell her you have taken yodelling lessons and treat her to a rendition of....some yodelling song

Go on I DARE you!

[blackduckies]

fantastic Lulu...I particully like the yodelling lessons and giving a rendition
ROFL, ROLF, ROLF.

[fionas]

maybe, when DSD isn't here, I say to her "yep, just hang on ..."


and leave the phone. And leave the room.

I think maybe that I should get over the "I hate being rude" thing and just be as short and as abrupt as possible. If she questions it ie. "why are you so rude," then I'll explain but otherwise no point spending the next fortnight carefully crafting draft emails. (I always sit on things for ages, writing and rewriting before sending, I'm the Queen of Self-Restraint)

[Lulu]

Here, I'll do it for you.


"YOU SUCK and I spend waaayyy too much time wondering why you don't seem to give a rats about your daughters progress. Here is a song I learnt in yodelling class"


Alternatively if you have a webcam you can try and express yourself through interpretive dance...

*oh sorry I just remembered you were looking for Emotionally Mature ways to handle this, mybad.