On the other side...a friend's debrief.

[AliBaby]

A very sad day
A little angel entered Heaven yesterday. God had another purpose for her.
Her name is Zara Lily.
She looked just like her sister. Born at 38 wks weighing 3.92kg and was 52cm in length.
My heart has broken for my gorgeous friend and her husband and I just want to take their pain away

I found out by text. Yesterday at lunchtime. I cried and cried in my classroom. Not knowing what to do. I started walking around pacing quickly. Not knowing how to respond to the msg or what to do. What was right, What was wrong.

Do I call? Do I msg? What is right to say? What is wrong to say? How to help? How not to be intrusive? Wondering if there are really any right answers to these questions? Life just seemed to stop.

I was able to go home early from work as the teacher next door to me walked in and I was a mess. She covered my class for me as the children started streaming in from lunch. I tried to hide my face from them as I didnt want them to see me upset. It didnt work as one of the little boys in my class said to the teacher I job share with, "Miss... had to go home because she had red eyes and was sad". Bless his heart.

I came home a mess. DP had just found out as well and was there waiting for me. We both cried for our friends and little Zara and held each other. He then had to go to work. DD was in childcare and I had a splitting headache from crying so much so had a shower and thought BB was the best place for me to get some support. My lovely friends in my BB thread were so helpful. ( to the lovely Olive, Shellbelle3, Nai, Kaz, Pinny-mum, Lilima, Heaven, OceanPrincess & Ellie)

I sent my gf a few txt msgs of support. BB has taught me so much on how to be supportive in these tragic circumstances. I made sure to congratulate her on the birth of her baby girl and told her how sorry I was and that I would love to meet her if she would like visitors. I told her I would support her in any way I could. I told her that I was sure her beautiful girl had the most beautiful wings and that she would be so greatly missed and deeply loved. I meant each and every word. I sent her these messages and wondered whether I was right or wrong to do so. Would it make her more upset? Would it make her feel loved? You would think I would know my best friend but no one can really know how anyone will react or cope under these circumstances.

I had a present ready to go (weeks before the baby was due as I was so excited). I had even written on the card the night before when she told me she was in labour and told me what they were going to name her). I felt like an idiot for doing so. I decided I would go the shops and get some flowers from the florist and find a more appropriate gift for little Zara and her parents. I found a gorgeous butterfly ornament.It could be hung in a window or put in a drawer. It had the simple word 'Daughter' engraved on it. I found the most beautiful candle I could find for her to light and think about Zara if she needed or wanted to. I found a card. A blank card. It took a long time to find the words to write but I managed to add in both sadness and beauty through words.

I drove to the hospital. As Olive reassured me, if she didnt want visitors, the midwives wouldnt allow it and I could just leave the flowers and gifts for her.
They said she had just left.
I decided to go home, pick up DD from CC and just give them space. Maybe I was being to intrusive.
She called me later that night. We chatted for close to an hour. She said my msgs to her meant the world. She said they weren't 'empty messages' like some that she had received. We cried on the phone, we laughed on the phone. I just wanted to wrap my arms around my dear friend. She kept saying to me. 'I always need to fix things and I can't fix this, I dont know how to fix this.' My heart just continued to break for her. She told me how she was worried about how her DH and her family were. My heart was breaking for them but even more for her as she was worried about everyone else. Maybe that is a coping mechanism for her.
She had another friend minding her DD and staying the night with them so I was pleased they had someone to help look after her as bf was in no way to cope with that and still in a lot of pain emotionally and physically.
I asked if she would like me to come round today and she said she would love that.

The Day After
I was so happy I could be there for her. I had DD in childcare. So cooked up a stack of meals this morning and put them in portioned containers to take round. I bought some of her favourite chocolates and some other goodies and went round. I stacked the fridge and freezer and just went and sat with her.

It was just awful seeing her go through so much pain speaking to the funeral place and organising Friday's service.

Her DH came in and I gave them Zara's gift and we all cried. I felt bad for making them cry again but they assured me that they were so grateful for the support. I told hem they didnt need to thank me as I love them so much and would do anything for them.

And then there were the forms. Filling in a birth certificate and those blasted forms from Family Assistance. They give you bereavement forms but it still has words like babybonus and immunisation payment, etc and thousands of pages to fill out. And they are just so confusing. Why cant it be simple for them? Like they need to think about income and crap like that right now. I filled out as much as what I could for her so she didnt have to as they are just awful but have to be done. They have had to withdraw money from their mortgage to cover costs at the moment. We picked which commemorative birth certificate to get. It had to be a special one for her.

We then went upstairs altogether and into the baby's room to pick out the outfit she would be buried in. My Gf wanted us with her to go up there. She broke down in tears as she was going through the top drawer to find some booties that matched the outfit perfectly. The soft toy that she chose for her to have in the tiny coffin is gorgeous. So soft. So cuddly. So much beauty. So much sadness. More tears were released.

She needed to rest so I did some washing for her and let her sleep.

Tomorrow they are going to the hospital to see their baby girl. An autopsy was being done today so bf was asking afraid of what she might look like. She asked me if she will be a funny colour. I assured her that the hospital will make her look beautiful just as she is. I am minding their little girl for them tomorrow so they can have that time uninterrupted with her.

I am wondering what else I can do for them. Would it be okay do you think if I found some poems for her and gave them to her? Is there anything I shouldn't do?

Everything feels like a blur right now. My head hurts and my heart is broken but I really want to be able to lift my friends up and support them in this time when they do not have the strength to do it themselves.

Life can be very cruel sometimes.

RIP beautiful Zara Lily
May your wings reflect your beauty and may the love that your parents, family and friends have for you shine through your halo. xoxo

[diannescruffy]

So sorry for the loss of your friend's baby, you sound like such an amazing supportive friend . You have done so much already, just being there for her, listening to her if she feels like talking and being a shoulder for her to cry on. I think some poems sounds really lovely. Fly free Zara Lily.

Regards,
Dianne

[Arimeh]

Life is far too cruel sometimes.

I thank you for being the beautiful friend and support to her. Never forget her birthday, or xmas, or any other special day. I am the only member of my family to remember my angel niece who was stillborn on the day she was supposed to be born, and I know my sister appreciates the fact that I don't forget, I will never forget. I think thats all that they want when something like this happens - validation that the baby existed - and rememberance.

to you and your friends. xxxxx

[Olive]

:hun: you are such a beautiful friend, what you have done for her willl mean so much. its such a hard time in their lives. remember to take time to grieve yourself

[Tegam]

As said above, i think that the only thing left for you to do is remember that this will never go away. That Zara was a beautiful little girl that her mumma will never forget, even as those around her forget. Talk about her, remember her. Celebrate her.

Thank you for being such a wonderful friend. I know thats not why you have written your post above but you really should be proud of yourself!

Remember you are greiving too and you may need to take a break at some point. Thats ok, she has family and a DH. Its not all up to you!

RIP little Zara, im sorry that you couldnt stay for longer!

[feeb]

So sorry for your friends loss, you are such a gorgeous friend and support for her.

Being there to cry, laugh, talk or just for company I am sure she is eternally greatful.

If you want to buy something else maybe a willow figurine, or a plant/tree, or a charm on a chain or bracelt of an angel.

Hugs to you and your friend.

Fly Free Zara Lily

xoxo

[e_p]

I am so sorry for yours and your dear friends' loss - I'm in tears reading about what your friends are going through...I just can't imagine

You are being such a wonderful friend,

Happy Birthday and Rest in Peace Zara Lily

[BrightSparkles]

Oh hun. You are such an amazing friend.. there are so many who wouldn't have gone to even half the effort. Your friends are lucky to have you

RIP little angel girl. xxx

[Stevie]

Thank you for being such a wonderful friend. I know thats not why you have written your post above but you really should be proud of yourself!!

I think you are an amzing person.
I think what the others have said is very true, never forget. Always remember, your BF will be forever grateful to you.

RIP Miss Zara, Fly free and watch over your Mummy, Daddy and Big Sister.

Myheart is aching for your BF, they are in my thoughts and prayers.
xx

[Elocin]

You are such a wonderful friend, absolutely amazing.

I am in tears reading your friends story... my heart is breaking for them both.

Fly fry gorgeous angel Zara

xo

[Epacris]

Thank you for sharing your story. Thinking of you and your friends and darling baby Zara Lily. Sending all of you all my strength and warmth.

Fly free baby girl.

Rachel.

[Sterla]

I am so sorry for your friends loss - life is so unfair.

You sound like the sweetest, most supportive, genuine friend... your friend is very lucky to have you, especially at this difficult time.

RIP beautiful Zara, and send strength and support to you and Zara's family.

[Spring Angel]

I know that after loosing my son, it was friends just like you that helped me get through. Keep doing what your doing. Offer help (practical help like cooking and minding her other DD are great) hold her as she cries, let her talk about Zara but also respect when she needs space and doesn't feel like talking.

Rest peacefully dear little Zara.

Spring xx

[TeniBear]

Oh I wish I had a friend like you! What a great friend you are You did the exact right thing.

Rest in Peace little Zara, may you dance with all the other Angel Babies Bella, and big hugs to her mummy and daddy, too.

[Kazbah]

Oh Bella I am lighting a candle for Zara Lily tonight. You are an amazing friend - I pray for your strength tonight and the coming week. Hold your baby, cuddle your DD and your DH.

You are an amazing friend, and I wish I had a friend like you when needed.

[Roryrory]

I am sorry your friend has to go through this

RIP baby girl

[skeetaboat]

More tears here too. A river running all around Australia for little Zara. Thanks for sharing and allowing her to touch so many others. You've been so helpful and supportive already, I'm sure that whatever you do will always be remembered and bring your friend much light at this dark time.

[Just Me]

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend's beautiful little girl. What a beautiful name she has too!

You are amazing ... it is not easy to go through that with someone.

I can give you a couple of pieces of advice - I found it relatively easy to be there for my friend when she lost her twins before the funeral. We made casseroles, gave flowers, DH mowed their lawn (I think it was therapuedic for him because he had lots of emotions he was dealing with - he didn't just mow, he weeded every garden bed - their yard looked amazing which I think was a testament to how hard DH was finding dealing with it as well).

It was really hard after the funeral was over. I think that DH and I just went into support mode beforehand, but once everything settled down, it got a bit harder. I think that was when she needed support the most. To her, it seemed like everyone had just gone back to normal life and hers had changed forever. We made a conscious effort to be with them when they wanted us there and to leave them alone when they needed that. I don't remember saying a lot to her about her babies, I just let her talk. She did, everytime we saw them, for months and months afterward and still sometimes now. We talked a lot about everyday things as well. We invited them out to dinner a week after the funeral and they came out to a restaurant (they didn't have other children at the time). We never put a lot of pressure on them to do anything, but were very conscious not to leave them out of anything that we would do before.

My DD1 was born about 3 months after they lost their twins. We told them everything first, in private. We let them come to the hospital before anyone else, in private (even before my parents). I don't know if that bit is relevant to you but it is something that we did. It was the first time they had been back to the hospital where they lost their beautiful girls. They needed to process it all.

Even now, 3 years down the track, I have sent flowers on every birthday. I usually don't drop them off because I want to give them space as a family, but I would have given them presents if they were with us, so I give flowers instead. It lets her know that I still remember her precious babies.

Sorry, I am crying as I write this as the pain is still raw and your story reminds me so much of hers. It is so very very sad.

You are a great friend. It is hard to know the right thing to do. I think the most important thing is to always remember. Never forget their precious baby. I think that is what my friend found hardest is that everyone seemed to forget and tries to gloss over it. Don't gloss over it.

I don't know if that is the sort of thing you are after. I wish you lots of strength through the next few weeks and months. It is a hard road to walk but she needs people who will walk it with her.

to you and your friend.