I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend's beautiful little girl. What a beautiful name she has too!
You are amazing ... it is not easy to go through that with someone.
I can give you a couple of pieces of advice - I found it relatively easy to be there for my friend when she lost her twins before the funeral. We made casseroles, gave flowers, DH mowed their lawn (I think it was therapuedic for him because he had lots of emotions he was dealing with - he didn't just mow, he weeded every garden bed - their yard looked amazing which I think was a testament to how hard DH was finding dealing with it as well).
It was really hard after the funeral was over. I think that DH and I just went into support mode beforehand, but once everything settled down, it got a bit harder. I think that was when she needed support the most. To her, it seemed like everyone had just gone back to normal life and hers had changed forever. We made a conscious effort to be with them when they wanted us there and to leave them alone when they needed that. I don't remember saying a lot to her about her babies, I just let her talk. She did, everytime we saw them, for months and months afterward and still sometimes now. We talked a lot about everyday things as well. We invited them out to dinner a week after the funeral and they came out to a restaurant (they didn't have other children at the time). We never put a lot of pressure on them to do anything, but were very conscious not to leave them out of anything that we would do before.
My DD1 was born about 3 months after they lost their twins. We told them everything first, in private. We let them come to the hospital before anyone else, in private (even before my parents). I don't know if that bit is relevant to you but it is something that we did. It was the first time they had been back to the hospital where they lost their beautiful girls. They needed to process it all.
Even now, 3 years down the track, I have sent flowers on every birthday. I usually don't drop them off because I want to give them space as a family, but I would have given them presents if they were with us, so I give flowers instead. It lets her know that I still remember her precious babies.
Sorry, I am crying as I write this as the pain is still raw and your story reminds me so much of hers. It is so very very sad.
You are a great friend. It is hard to know the right thing to do. I think the most important thing is to always remember. Never forget their precious baby. I think that is what my friend found hardest is that everyone seemed to forget and tries to gloss over it. Don't gloss over it.
I don't know if that is the sort of thing you are after. I wish you lots of strength through the next few weeks and months. It is a hard road to walk but she needs people who will walk it with her.
You seem like such a wonderful friend to have around, especially at a time like this. I think just keep doing what your doing, just be there for her, look after DD when you can and like others have also said keep remembering Zara.
I have been through loss with my SIL, my beautiful nephew was born still 3 years ago. It is heartbreaking.
Some ideas:
I bought my SIL a white rose bush (the rose was called Mother's Love) and her and her DH made a little memorial garden for her son. I always remember his birthday with a small gift and a card. I went to the beach and wrote my nephews name in the sand and took a photo, then gave it to SIL in a card...she now displays it on her fridge. I have also bought little ornaments and plaques for his garden over the last couple of years.
Other things I do are to send a card on Mother's Day/Father's day, maybe a special xmas ornament.
Use the baby's name as much as possible, a mother loves to hear her child's name spoken.
You are doing a fantastic job at being a caring supportive friend.
All of your beautiful words and thoughts mean so much to me and your advice is just a god send. I am going to try and reply to each one of you as you have all touched my heart so deeply with your words.
Arimeh & Stevie-Anne - Thank you for that gentle reminder about birthdays and other important dates. I am sure it would mean a great deal to them for it not to be remembered as time continues to move. Dianne- I have read quite a bit of your story and how you were a support to another. Great big to you. Olive-I cry every couple of hours. Sometimes just a couple of tears, sometimes uncontrollably. I have never experienced this type of grief so close to home and it is quite hard to process. I am finding getting it all out to all of you ovely supportive people very helpful to me to help me process and understand. Your support has just been amazing. Thank you Teegam, Sunshine, Elocin, Eutra-Phalia,Kazbah, Skeetaboot, Rory, LizJessie, Bec7, Jewel, Queen & GraciousGoddess - Thank you so much for your heart felt words. They mean so much to me. You are all lovely friends to me Feeb- A Willow Tree angel sounds lovely. They are very special and meaningful. Thank you. Epacris- Thankyou hun, your words mean so much Spring & Teni- I am so sorrythat both of you have had this pain first hand. Giant squishy hugs to you. Teni I have found some great help in your blog. I read through your poems and all of your posts and it has helped me understand just some of what my friends are going through. Thank you for sharing your journey. JustMe- I was in tears reading your post. I can see how much your friends mean to you. You are right about after the funeral. I was lying in bed thinking about that last night. How can I help them then and will they want to talk to about Zara afterwards. Your post has helped me so much. Thank you. Marlene- That is a lovely idea about the photograph. I went to the name inthe sands website last night but they aren't doing names at the moment s the beach is changing with the season. I might go and do one myself and maybe give that to her for mothers day. I will def look at getting them a plant as well. I think it is a beautiful symbol. thank you
Last night I dreamt of my friend. We were standing in my kitchen and I was asking her if she liked brocolli & honey carrots. What a strange dream to have at a time like this. I dont remember anything else in my dream.
I found some of the most beautiful poems last night on BellyBelly and on Teni's blog. I cried reading each word and found the ones I thought were best and have printed them out fo rmy friend.
I am going to give them to her today and ask her if she would like me and her other closest friend read one together tomorrow. Do you think thats okay to offer or not? If not, they are just there for her to have.
The sad thing is, I know they will make her cry. I dont want her to be upset but maybe the words might help her understand her pain, validate her feelings and emotions, allow her to understand that it is okay to grieve. I just hope that they help them in some way.
Tomorrow is the funeral. What will we wear? What will she want us to wear? Black? Colour? What an awful thing to get ready to go to. Her other friend will be going round to help her get ready tomorrow and do her hair for her and help get her daughter ready. I'd love to be there but have DD. I am not going to take her to the funeral. Another gf of mine is going to mind her. I feel I need to give my energy and heart to my friends right now as much as I love DD I know I will be focusing on her if she is with us.
Oh Bella- i have been thinking of you and your friends over the past few days....I'm sure your friends appreciate everything you are doing for them. A plant is a great idea, I know a friend of mine was able to find a plant that had a name the same as her freinds it was a rose i think...
Hope all goes well with Zara's farewell today - like you said in the other thread, maybe Ianto will befriend her on the other side (if he's anything like his daddy, he's working his charm on her as we speak)
Thank you all for your continued thoughts. My entire warddrobe is on my bed right now. I have put on so many different clothes as I had no idea what to wear. Its not as if you keep an outfit for a funeral in the back of your cupboard. I have gone with grey and black but have got a gorgeous pink/red coloured flower pinned on. I thought I could always take it off if its not appropriate. I jsut was not sure whether she will wont colour or not.
She didnt end up coming over yesterday. I tried to call but her phone was off so I didnt push. I just figured she must have needed her DD close to her.
Teni- You made me smile. I can just see Ianto working his charm and winning over all the little ladies up in Heaven especially Zara
Better go. Have to go and drop DD off now and the funeral starts at 11am.
Thinking of your friends and their beautiful baby girl today. My thoughts are also with you and everyone else who has to farewell this precious little life. I hope that her parents can find some comfort and support in the arms of their friends and family on this very sad day
Last edited by Just Me; April 23rd, 2010 at 10:33 AM.
: removing sig, sorry
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend's beautiful little girl. What a beautiful name she has too!
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I am going to try and reply to each one of you as you have all touched my heart so deeply with your words.
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