New here - my story - it's long....

[Jisi]

Hi,

I conceived using IVF and had genetic testing done to the embryo. Two boys were put back and one took.
During my nuchal tranlucency test we were told there were issues and they wanted to do a CVS and we could
go into a "study" that was being done - we declined. I did have a fetal echocardiogram done and the baby's
heart was fine - being this was non-invasive we decided this was the best route to go.

The high risk doctors (not my OB) were trying to push me to have an amnio - we told them that we were
not going to terminate the pregnancy so there was no need to have this done. I had gone every 3 weeks to
have growth scans done and the high risk doctors could not find any issues with the growth of the babay.
We thought we had turned the corner and everything was going to be ok.

At 23 weeks and 3 days I starte having contractions but they were mild and I didn't know that's what they
were. At 23 weeks and 5 days I started spotting. I had this before and was told that being it was dark
it was ok. Something didn't feel right so at 23 weeks and 6 days I called my doctor.

I went to see him right away and he did an exam - thought he saw a polyp but sent me for a sonogram anyway
My uterus was open and my husband was told to bring me to the hospital immediately as I was to be on
bed rest until the baby was born.

That night the contracts started again but I was on a monitor so they rushed in and gave me meds to stop them.
The next day everything seemed fine - I was given steroids to help the baby's lungs develop and was told
to hang in there. That night the contractions started again, then my water broke.

The baby was breech and sideways, they did an emergency c-section and eventually had to put me under.
When I woke up I was told Liam Marc didn't survive.

I had a placental abruption.

I'm so very angry and have so many questions that will never get answered. I know it's not right, but I'm
blaming God right now, why did he let me get pregnant if he was only going to take Liam away from me.
Wey are there murderers out there and my baby died. How am I going to be able to talk about this and not
cry each and every time. If I called the doctor earlier and was on bed rest maybe my placenta would have
been ok. Why are women who don't want babies having them and here I wanted him and can't have him.
I just want him back, i want to hold him again and give him more kisses. I can't remember what he looked
like because I was still under the effects of the anesthia - what if they didn't have to put me under would
he have survived?

Thanks for letting me get that out...

[*Ash*]

Oh Jisi, I wish I had the answers to your questions. I am so sad for you. I can only offer you hugs and a shoulder to cry on. Life is so unfair sometimes.

Rest in peace beautiful Liam Marc.

[Queen]

Aww hun
First welcome to BB
Second, I have not idea what you are going through but could not read and not reply
Hope someone can help you here
Take care and be kind to yourself xoxo

[human bean]

Jisi I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby boy Liam I'm sorry that I don't have the answers for you either, or the words to help ease the pain and heartache you are feeling. Be kind to yourself as you grieve, take it one day at a time, and I'm glad you've come to BB where you can be surrounded by women who know how hard the path you're travelling is Rest in peace Liam Marc

[diannescruffy]

So very sorry for the loss of your precious angel .

Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping @24wks

[Kel001]

Hi Jisi
I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss, and although I can't answer any if your questions, I think you're so brave and strong for sharing your story
Rest peacefully little Liam

[Jisi]

Thank you all, I realize I will never get the answers to my questions and keep thinking of more. I think my DH
is ready to take the internet away from me. The more research I do the more questions I have and they
just get harder and harder.

I read that during a placental abruption the baby doesn't get oxygen, now I'm thinking of my precious baby
gasping for his last breath. I know I'm just torturing myself with these thoughts as he is now at peace.

I do have a 20 month old daughter who is more and more precious to me, I just want to put her in a bubble
so nothing happens to her. I know I need to focus on her but feel guilty having a good time with her when
my poor Liam isn't here.

My Grandfather use to say Life is for the Living and I know I need to move forward for Genevieve, but feel
so very guilty.

I didn't tell DH but I made my parents bring me to the cemetery yesterday, I just had to go. I know Liam is
in my heart but had to see his grave.

Will the pain really lessen? If I don't think about him every moment of every day is it ok? I don't want him to
think I have forgotten about him.

I know there aren't answers to my questions but I feel like I'm writing in my diary and thank you for taking the
time to read and post.

Jisi

[TeniBear]

I read that during a placental abruption the baby doesn't get oxygen, now I'm thinking of my precious baby
gasping for his last breath. I know I'm just torturing myself with these thoughts as he is now at peace.

If it's any consolation at all, he wouldn't have been gasping or in much distress, if any at all. His oxygen was coming through his cord, so he would have just come to a peaceful stop as his blood used up the oxygen it had. Nothing like choking or pretty much anything we adults can go through. Just a gentle slowing down and stop.

I'm so sorry for your loss, please don't blame yourself at all. I know it's hard hearing that (believe me, I know!) but it's true. God, I feel so hypocritical saying that, I have moments where I blame myself for my son dying - what if I'd had more water to drink that day? What if I'd noticed his movements had slowed earlier in the day? - but ultimately, I know there's nothing I could have done.

Go to the cemetery as often as you like, you shouldn't feel like you have to hide your urge to go.

It is perfectly fine that not every single moment is spent thinking of Liam. I realise every now and then that I've gone an hour, two hours, without thinking of Ianto. The tiniest thing might bring him crashing back in - a little flash of a rainbow in the sky (since he died, I've seen rainbows everywhere and now see them as him sending them to me), or a baby on tv... If Liam wants you thinking of him, believe me, you'll be thinking of him.

And yes, the internet can be quite worrisome at times - I swear I've "realised" why Ianto died, a thousand times over. Of course, none are actually true, but I convince myself for hours at a time that I've found the cause...

May I ask how long it's been? It doesn't really matter, and you don't have to say if you don't want to, but it just seems like it's been very recent.

[blessedatlast]

Jisi, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious boy Liam. It is very unfair and I often asked the same questions you did.. "Why do other people have kids and don't want them, yet mine were taken away??" I still ask that.. I know it probably doesn't seem like it right now but you wont feel like this forever. As time passes, you learn to live with your grief and the pain is not as intense.. Sometimes I can go for an hour or so when I wake up without thinking of my babies, sometimes it still feels like yesterday. Just do what feels right, let yourself grieve and don't be too hard on yourself.. (((HUGS))) There is great support in here..

[Catastrophic]

Jisi, I am so sorry to hear about your precious little boy Liam... RIP little man...
:Hug:

[dory]

Jisi - I have no answers - only love and my heart aches for the heartbreak of your Angel Liam. I hope that you are finding a way through. I agree with Teni - Liam would not have been in distress. Time doesn't heal butit changes the nature of your pain. Go gently.