If it's any consolation at all, he wouldn't have been gasping or in much distress, if any at all. His oxygen was coming through his cord, so he would have just come to a peaceful stop as his blood used up the oxygen it had. Nothing like choking or pretty much anything we adults can go through. Just a gentle slowing down and stop.
I'm so sorry for your loss, please don't blame yourself at all. I know it's hard hearing that (believe me, I know!) but it's true. God, I feel so hypocritical saying that, I have moments where I blame myself for my son dying - what if I'd had more water to drink that day? What if I'd noticed his movements had slowed earlier in the day? - but ultimately, I know there's nothing I could have done.
Go to the cemetery as often as you like, you shouldn't feel like you have to hide your urge to go.
It is perfectly fine that not every single moment is spent thinking of Liam. I realise every now and then that I've gone an hour, two hours, without thinking of Ianto. The tiniest thing might bring him crashing back in - a little flash of a rainbow in the sky (since he died, I've seen rainbows everywhere and now see them as him sending them to me), or a baby on tv... If Liam wants you thinking of him, believe me, you'll be thinking of him.
And yes, the internet can be quite worrisome at times - I swear I've "realised" why Ianto died, a thousand times over. Of course, none are actually true, but I convince myself for hours at a time that I've found the cause...
May I ask how long it's been? It doesn't really matter, and you don't have to say if you don't want to, but it just seems like it's been very recent.
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks