Should I say goodbye or not? (Just to go to work, nothing too drastic)

[GoingtobebiginAsia]

I've just returned to full-time work and my utterly wonderful DP is staying at home doing the mum duties.
Last night I got home at 6.30pm, threw down some dinner and then headed out the door at 7pm to go buy some furniture. DP was feeding DD as I left and as I went through the door our six-month-old DD gave me THE LOOK. Oh... I've got tears in my eyes remembering it.
In the mornings when I go to work she's usually asleep or just hanging out on the bed with Dad and I haven't really made a point of saying goodbye. But I think she's just worked out that I'm abandoning her. I give her so many kisses and cuddles before and after work. Maybe she thinks that sould continue all day.
But my question is -- should I make a point of saying goodbye to her when I leave or should I just vanish? I clearly remember throwing tantrums when my mum dropped me off at daycare when I was 2. I thought I'd die if I was left there. It's possible next year DP will return to work and we will be abandoning her daily. Is there anything I can do now to lessen the trauma for her. And for me. I don't know how I'm going to cope when she can say "Mummy, don't leave me."

[onthefly]

You should definitely say goodbye (unless that means waking her up). She needs to learn that it's ok for mummy to go (see, she's smiling and waving goodbye) and she'll come back again.

[Visitor7]

Definitely say goodbye before leaving. You're right when you say she thinks you're going to abondon her. That's exactly what she's thinking. But just think if something was to happen to either of you, and you never said goodbye to her. I know, thinking like that is awful, but it's life really.
It's best to make it quick. Say 'goodbye, mummy loves you and I will see you soon'. Will it get easier? Maybe, maybe not. Each child is very different. My DD1 is very clingy with me still at the age of 3.5yrs, whereas DD2 couldn't care less if I was there or not.

[~Kim~]

I always used to make a point of saying, "I'll see you later, I'll be back after work". I don't actually use the word goodbye (no I know that wasn't the question, just offering), but i always let them know that I am going and will be back.
My DH reckons I shouldn't, especially with velcro man DS as it makes it worse, but then he's hysterical when I get back because he's figured out I've gone and he doesn't have any reassurance I'll be back.

[Santosha]

It's very important to say goodbye. It's helpful if it's a little ritual - you say the same phrase and do a little wave bye bye, kiss on the head (whatever you like). This way your DD can learn to trust that you won't just dissapear at random any old time - that she will always have warning. That doesn't mean she won't be upset to know you're going, but at least she'll have the chance to process it and cope in her own way. If you just sneak off regularly, she may become more anxious and vigilant as she can never know when you might leave.

Sorry, really struggling with expression tonight, hopefully you managed to decipher my point in there somewhere! All the best for your return to work.

[kelebek]

I also think saying goodbye is really important cause it builds up the trust, yes it will be hard and yes I am sure she will tantrum but at least she knows that you will come back. I have seen children of mothers who disappear and the children freak if mum is in the toilet or outside and they didn't know she had left the room.

[black_rose]

Say goodbye, it can make a big difference. Dh has just gone from working at home to being in an office. Dd1 started to get really grumpy and refusing to eat as dh was the one to feed her dinner, and have a play late afternoon. atm he can't always get back (in the past he could go back to work). He always goes on now and gives her a kiss even if she doesn't wake up. We also try and call him once a day. It has made a difference this past week she will eat and knows daddy us working at the new office. She started to ignore him and refuse cuddles it broke his heart. He is spending the day with her today just the two of them .

[mummato1]

Yeah I always have.. I think its important to let them know whats going on, even through they may not fully understand. DS is now 10 months, and even if I know I wont be home when he wakes up I make sure I tell him before he goes to sleep where I will be and who will be there when he wakes.. If I am home I always tell him that I will just be in the lounge / kitchen and right here he if needs me. It might sound silly but I would feel worse if I just disappeared.. I mean if someone did that to me now even as an adult I would find it rude iykwim...

[luna moth]

Definitely say goodbye! My biggest irritation after 10 years in childcare is parents who try to sneak off! YES it is harder for you to have to say goodbye, but it is sooooo much better for them to be told the truth. I see kids whose parents have snuck off - they spend the whole day searching for them, mentally or physically, rather than engaging in play. Not engaging in play means that their learning is then impaired. Kids who have had the goodbye usually fuss until the parent is out of sight, then may need cuddles or reassurance for a little while, but eventually they all settle down and play properly, which means they can learn.
When it does come time that she's wailing "Don't leeeeeeave meee!" - make it short, sharp and sweet. Say "I have to, darling, but I'll be back at 4:30 (or whatever) and then remove yourself from view as quickly as possible. If crying makes you stay, then of course they will cry more, because it works! Kids learn this so early, like from 15 months or so. And the more they cry, the harder they are to settle, and again, learning is impaired. It may sound cold, but after looking after tons of kids over the years, the best adjusted ones have been the ones with honest parents who don't prolong the pain.

[Janie]

Agree with the others, definitely say goodbye. Our DS1 is totally fine with being left 98% of the time, but the odd occasion he isn't happy about it I tell him that I'll be back 'soon' and he then settles down and says goodbye happily.

[GoingtobebiginAsia]

Thanks guys. I really appreciate the advice. I can't say goodbye in the mornings because DD is still asleep when I leave. But I will definitely start telling her where I'm going from now on. Maybe her sleeping patterns will change soon (I think I need to start a new thread asking for advice on how to deal with a night owl) and she will be awake when I leave for work.

Audax, thanks for your advice. When the time comes for her to go to daycare or kindy I won't sneak away.