Help with major melt-down tantrums please.

[meow]

I'm feeling a bit lost about my son's tantrums and wondering if I should be getting him help, or if his behaviour is normal because it seems more extreme than most other children.

He is 2 1/4 and has major tantrums with back arching, crying, screaming and banging his head against walls or the floor. As soon as he gets slightly irritable he will look for a surface to bang his head against- that's his standard to response sp he bangs his head frequently through the day.

I'm a pretty gentle parent and understanding. I work with children in early childhood and my predominant skill has always been non-verbal communcation, reading a child's signs and listening to them so that tantrums are not usually an issue. So I'm really lost, and frankly very disheartened to be in this position. He seems to think I am always saying "no" to him and he has no patience. I know patience is rare at this age but for example, if he sees the peanut butter and asks for some and I say "okay" but turn to get a knife etc he seems to think I'm not getting for him and within seconds he's thrown himself on the floor and started banging his head. Then he's so worked up he wont listen to me and actually get the peanut butter sandwich.

Today at playgroup he completely lost the plot and had a screaming fit in my arms and on the floor for about 15 minutes. Longest 15 minutes of my life while half the other mum's keep coming over and trying to "help" and suggesting I take him outside. I can't carry him when he's like that and it's cold outside and the ground is concrete- do they just want him away? They are a pretty understanding bunch generally but now I feel all this doubt that I should be "doing" something... but I'm not sure what?? I reassure him, offer him cuddles and try to soothe him till he calms down. I offer him things that I suspect he wanted and were the problem to see if he just can't verbalise his wanting those things and that's why he's upset. I'm not sure what else to do really and I'm not sure there is anything else to do in that moment but how do we live with these outbursts in public? Turned out today he had wanted to go outside. He hadn't told me that at all so I didn't know that's what he was upset about but once he was calm and in the car he finally said it!

Should I be suspecting dietary or developmental causes of these tantrums? Or just keep expecting him to grow through them? I'm so unsure and lost right now

[CrazyLady]

Does he seem happy otherwise?

I have no experience dealing with a child doing this personally. I vividly remember my younger sister being about the same age and doing this as well. I think it was her "testing limits with boundaries" age looking back. Also what are you feeding him? A lot of parents have issues with most commercial breads (that is apparently one of the top culprits in preservative issues) and see immediate results when switched to a preservative free bread (Brumby's is all preservative free). It's always hard when you hit one of those periods in raising children! I hope it works out quickly!

[Lenny]

Oh wow. I feel like i might have just written what you wrote.
Not the head-banging, but the tantrums that my 27 mth old is having are becoming unbearable. He cried/screamed for about 10 minutes this morning because I told him i was going to brush my teeth (then i left the room).
I am sympathising and I hope someone can offer you (and me) some advice or alternatives to help our little guys.

[Jennifer13]

Meow, what is his speech like? I have known one or two little boys that similarly melted-down and caused their mums no end of worry - only to have it all ease dramatically when their little one could speak and communicate better. 2 1/4 is the age where he has a lot he wants to communicate and if he's having trouble getting his point across (not saying you don't understand him, more that he's got more to say than what he can put out there right now) his frustration is going to be very high.

It doesn't sound abnormal, for him to be getting upset as a response to something. And I agree with helping him calm down. He will get there eventually, sounds like you are doing your best to help him. The only other thing I do/did with my DD is when she is calm and we finally understand what she wants is make a big fuss of what a big girl she is for calming down and how much better it is now we can do/give her what she wants (provided that's the case). I tell her now I'm proud of her for calming down, because it can be hard when you're really upset (I empathise with her!).

And don't worry about the other mums. All kids develop at different rates and at least your son is never going to be a pushover in life if he's that dedicated to demonstrating how he feels. Great display of passion and feeling, now just to channel it!

[meow]

Thanks for your thoughts and help. I'm feeling calmer now and it has been really nice to read your responses.

He is pretty happy- his fuse is short so the temper seems to flare up fairly often but otherwise he is happy and really, if we could just spend the whole day on his agenda with me right next to him I think he'd be perfectly content.

I double checked our bread- thanks for the tip crazylady. I have heard about the preservatives in bread being an issue but had forgotten about it. Our bread seems fine. We mostly buy the health-nut type multigrains and they don't seem to have nasties in them. Otherwise he eats additive free nut butters, organic corn thins and rice cakes, organic apples, organic milk... mostly organic and expensive "healthy" foods. But I know some healthy foods can trigger some children so I wasn't sure if I should be doing more there.

His speech was very advanced at first but has slowed down now and in some ways has regressed as he doesn't say things he used to be able to say, but instead gets straight into the tantrum. Maybe when he knows he can say it more clearly he'll be happy to talk about his needs/wants a bit more.

Thanks for the reassurance that this can be normal. I'll keep riding it out for longer and reassess if he seems to not be growing out of it.

at least your son is never going to be a pushover in life if he's that dedicated to demonstrating how he feels. Great display of passion and feeling, now just to channel it!

This is such a lovely thing to say- thank you! This is how I generally feel about him and his development- I see the 'struggles' of childhood in a positive way and know that children are 'good', not 'bad' but I was feeling overwhelmed today (and wondering if I had my head in the sand) so it was nice to hear.

The thing is, my son is exactly as I was as a child (though better actually)! My Mum couldn't go shopping with me because I couldn't even last 5mins but I have grown out of it And I do have a strong sense of personal justice and a person's right to be heard. This has never wavered and I know it was the cause of my angst as a child. I just wish my son could realise that I'm on his side and I agree with him so he wouldn't feel the need to throw himself on the floor.

On further reflection this morning was a little doomed as we had already been to our veggie co-op before playgroup and I think my son expected us to be going home when we got in the car. He's not the biggest fan of playgroup either as he's an introvert and he hadn't been all that happy the whole time we had been there... I just hadn't expected a major melt-down.

[Snacks]

I might be out of line here - I imagine you are far more experienced and knowledgable than me, but here's something that struck me:

I reassure him, offer him cuddles and try to soothe him till he calms down. I offer him things that I suspect he wanted and were the problem to see if he just can't verbalise his wanting those things and that's why he's upset.

I wonder if this positive attention is reinforcing the behaviour? Personally, I find Natty's tantrums subside a lot quicker if I just sit near her and let her be until it starts to wind down, then quickly offer a bright distraction. This is hard when a child is hurting themself, so I understand how this situation would be different if your DS is hitting his head against things...
I know how it is to have a kid who seems to fly off the handle moreso than other kids. Natty used to have the occasional meltdown at playgroup. It is always much easier to get through it at home!

[onthefly]

Meow, I just want to say that you seem very connected and in touch with your boy, which is lovely!

Snacks - I think maybe it depends on the child and circumstances. Sometimes I find the same thing with DS. I wait nearby and tell him I'm there for cuddles when he needs it, but I can't touch him when he's going off. But then there are times when he loses it but needs cuddles right away. I think being there, however works best, helps them to know they are safe and secure, I don't see it as positive reinforcement of the behaviour. It's not really a bad behaviour, just an explosion of pent up.... stuff.... ok, I don't really know what it is

[meow]

I do do a lot of "giving him space" too. But when I think it's too dangerous for him to be trashing around as he's getting too out of control or if I sense that he needs comforting and help bringing himself back then I hold him and/or talk to him softly and calmly. I don't see that as rewarding tantrums but rather offering a method to calm down and teaching emotional control. I don't think he finds that rewarding as he resists my comfort and resists the space- basically he just gets caught up in a world of irrational so I just try and be there.

Thanks for the support everyone- I'm going to see where we're at in another month or two and then decide if something needs to change or be reassessed.

[Snacks]

Hmm... I think tantrums are a negative behaviour? Yes, it is due to a whole lot of things - pent up emotion, lack of ability to communicate etc. But I see it the same as say, hitting because they are unhappy with an outcome. It's understandable for a kid to do it because they have no other way to communicate their displeasure. It's still a negative (undesirable) behaviour.
Anyway, sounds like it's irrelevant. I hope I haven't offended - just offering a different perspective.
BTW, I have edited my post - I don't find tanties harder to deal with at home, LOL! Meant 'easier'.

[meow]

I know what yo mean- they are negative in the sense that they are not socially acceptable and they're a loss of emotional control, which is a valuable, socially constructive behaviour to have. But I don't see them as negative in a "deliberate" sense that needs reprimand, or explaination of why you shouldn't do it. I come from a perspective of teaching emotional control and communication as a way to avoid tantrums, rather than punishment such as withdrawal of attention.

I was thinking about our situation though and I do understand your point snacks. The ignore some of the random head-hitting my son does through the day as I think he is using it to get his way quickly and easily and if I respond to it all the time then I am teaching him that it's an effective way to communicate (ie. "rewarding the behaviour") so I am mindful of avoiding that.