When do you stop being compassionate and just start judging?

[Epacris]

In my line of work, I’m a TAFE teacher, I constantly meet new people, get to know them fairly well, well maybe not their life well, but I spend at least 16 hours per week face to face with them, so I do get to know their personalities well.

As a teacher I constantly try to distance myself from my students. I always tell myself, I am not their friend (although some of them I’d really like to be friends with) and I am not their mother (some of them seem to desperately need one). Some people I just like, and some people I just don’t. Whether I like them or not, I also always try, try, try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I don’t know what’s going on in their lives, why should I? I know sometimes I’ve had no sleep, I’m worried about someone or something, something has happened to me or to someone close to me. I rock up to class, I’m tired, I’m a bit cranky, I’m underprepared. But I’m on time, I’m with it and I run the class.

Why are some people so hopeless / such idiots? They are never on time, they don’t seem to care about anything? They don’t even pick their feet up off the ground when they walk? Bloody hell, I can get here and be present in mind and body, why can’t they? This is when I say to myself “Rachel, you don’t know what’s going on in their life right now. You don’t know what has happened to them throughout their whole life. It might be really amazing for them that they’re here at all”. But for how long do I keep saying that? And is it really helpful anyway?

When they don’t do their work and I have to fail them I take it so personally, like I have failed as a teacher. But when I have to talk to them about it I think I am very good at being really matter-of-fact. I just tell them why they have failed, what they need to do to pass and how to get help. So often though it’s that ‘ye olde case of horse -> water??? When do I get to say “Meh, you’re just an idiot!”

And in my life more generally some people I just don’t like.... as a person. I just don’t like them. Is that judging? Why can’t I be more compassionate towards them? But why should I, it’s OK to just not like people.

Wow, there’s some serious rambling going on here. I guess there is no answer to this. You have to treat every person and situation on a case by case basis. Does anyone else think like this?

[ladybird11]

Lol, I sooooo hear ya!

I guess it can be fair to say not everybody has the same opportunities as each other - and yes, we all come from different backgrounds. Not being stereotypical, I've given lectures at private colleges and had to deal with little pr!cks; on the other hand I've spoken at public schools in a 'lower socio economic' area and they've been the best group of kids ever.

My opinion is that everyone has to accept responsibility for their own actions. The degree of which a person will accept that responsibility can depend upon their background, influences (family / upbringing etc). Everyone has different morals and values too, some may think mediocre attempts are sufficient, where as the high achievers won't settle for anything but the best.

Being a 'blue shirt' I come across scruffy looking people who are the most down to earth people, 'diamonds in the rough'; and dealt with well presented people who have treated me like absolute poo. So its hard to judge a book by its cover.

I think there ARE idiots out there - but there is a difference between a real idiot, and someone that just does idiotic things.

In my job I try to show compassion to people in certain situations, but sometimes I have no sympathy for people - and I may have little knowledge of their background when I make that call. My dealings with others are generally for a much shorter time frame than which you deal with class members, if I spent so much time emotionally trying to weigh each individual up I think I would be personally drained!

[Lulu]

I think it is fine to not like somebody. Unless you are in a position of power and use the not liking in a evil way, or treat them badly just because of that.

Apart from that - whats the problem? It's not as if you not liking someone is going to change their lives or knock the earth off it's axis

BUT, If you are not comfortable with just not liking someone for the reasons you listed above - I'd say it's a little more than that. Yep, some people are hopeless but are having a hard time. By the same token some people are hopeless and use that as a way of life iykwim? They rely on peoples compassion to get by rather than pulling their fingers out - and I bet that's what makes you uncomfortable (calling it as it is) more than simply not liking somebody.

And what is wrong with judging anyway? Don't we have to make judgements all the time? Why not with people too? I get the 'keyhole judging' problem - but what if you have the full facts of a situation - and still don't like someone? How is that wrong? Are we supposed to constantly try to find ways of liking people to avoid feeling bad about apparently 'judging' them?

[thepixie]

I think Lulu has hit it on the head...

some people are hopeless and use that as a way of life iykwim? They rely on peoples compassion to get by rather than pulling their fingers out -

Initially it can be hard to tell the difference between :yeahthat: and someone having a genuinely hard time, but after a while it becomes pretty clear.
As for not liking people, the fact is, there are people you are not going to like. Sometimes for genuine reasons, sometimes just personality differences. Sometimes for no real reason, you just.don't.like.them. It's OK Rach, to not like people without feeling guilty about it. You don't have to tell them!
As for judging I think we all do it, all the time but we don't want to be seen to be doing it. It's human nature. To an extent I think we can let it go and think well I don't have all the facts etc. But then sometimes you need to judge people. So it's a line you have to walk.
OK now I'm rambling. But Rach I'm sure you are an awesome teacher and very popular with your students.

[Arcadia]

I am a teacher at a university, and I sooooo know what you mean. There are a lot of great students, but each year I have a few that just seem destined to fail the class. Even when given extra time, energy, and compassion they still fail. To those students I do judge them, because I feel sorry for them. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive.

[deletedit]

*puts psychology hat on* you do realise we're hardwired to judge, stereotype, and make snap decisions about people based on trivial things like how they look and dress? Its only very recently people have been pushed (this is especially true for dating) to get to know someone and NOT judge so much.

That being said, you're dealing with young people mostly, right? I used to tutor at uni back in the dark ages, I've seen the same thing. The difference in motivation between mature age students and youngsters can be dramatic. Some of them you swear they don't want to be there and don't care. They don't. They're too immature to realise they're onto a good thing and a good qualification can set them up for life, they're just there cos some school counsellor or their mum said they should be here. Some people never grow out of that stage and never do anything good with their lives. Some people just need some time. Some respond well to external motivation, some eventually get a spark from within, some ignore everything completely. I've met people in their late 30s who are complete 'losers' because they can't/won't seize perfectly good opportunities that people go out of their way to give them and are happy to play victim.

I'd try and step back and not get personally involved, its their lives and their decisions and people are hard to change, even some youngsters. Just be the best *you* can be and if it lights someone else's life up that's great, and if they don't like you or you don't like them that's fine too.

[fionas]

Good question Epacris and something that's struck a bit of a chord with me partly because of my experiences with DSD lately. I think it's great to have compassion for people and their experiences in life but at some point, when they are offered help and assistance, they have to take responsibility for their actions. If they don't accept that help and carry on making excuses, then really what more can you do?

I do often compare the way we approach 'things' now with the way my grandparents/parents generation did and I think we've swung a little bit too far with the compassion and a bit too far from taking responsibility for your own actions.

[Epacris]

Thank you so much everyone for sharing your thoughts with me, so I can muddle through mine. I’ve hung on every word. Thank you.

Yep, some people are hopeless but are having a hard time. By the same token some people are hopeless and use that as a way of life iykwim? They rely on peoples compassion to get by rather than pulling their fingers out - and I bet that's what makes you uncomfortable (calling it as it is) more than simply not liking somebody.

Yes Lulu, I think this is the clincher. But I don’t have enough information, so I give them the benefit of the doubt. But I struggle to do that sometimes.

That being said, you're dealing with young people mostly, right?

I teach natural area restoration and my classes are more diverse than any classes (anywhere) that I have ever heard of. Typically my class will be made up of: school leavers, experienced (but not qualified) bush regenerators, professionals looking for a career change, retired professionals who are interested and motivated bushcare volunteers, environmental science uni graduates looking for more practical skills, people who want to do environmental science at uni but didn’t get in, people on the dole doing this course because they get a little bit more money for it, and people on day release. So I’ve taught people ranging in age from 15 to 75 and generally a class will have an age range of 17 to 65. Hmmm, this diversity presents a considerable challenge for me as a teacher managing and catering for their different learning requirements. But it’s always a wild ride and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

[widdly]

Sometimes I have to remember to slap myself across the face and say ah, F - em, they are just blardy useless, they seem to enjoy being useless, so leave em to it. At some point adults need to stop using excuses and blaming their past for being useless

[Inanna]

I think that you ask this question shows just what sort of person you are...

I think this way (which is neither right or wrong):

I know that I have & do feel like you sometimes & when I am feeling like that (for me) I know I am using my value judgement. As someone else said we all use judgement - we are actually made this way - it's survival. Judgement alone isn't the issue. The issue is what we do with that judgement. You may meet me on a day when I have had a great sleep, life feels good and I give off a great Energy - you've judged me that I am neat, gentle, fair and happy... You meet me when I've just found out my best friend has cancer & I am sad, depressed, dishevelled & your judgement is different.

If you approach me both times with fairness, respect and kindness you have operated out of your own sense of virtue/values and ethics. If you react rudely assuming I am not interested in you etc etc you have acted out of an egoic need to base your treatment of others on how they treat you... To me that's how I would offer some of the biggest wars and the smallest fights have begun...

So, you are right I think. Some people for whatever their story don't get it. You can excuse the behavior & there is always a reason for the behavior. But what I think is needed is a boundary.

This is how it works here: a, b, c. How you implement that is always with respect and compassion. Compassion isn't about always being soft and gentle and allowing people to behave in ways that we cannot accept.

I also worked with unemployed teenagers & young adults (I taught assertiveness training, personal growth to unemployed youth). I also lectured nursing students of varying ages.

I understand a little of what you say about the varying needs of the class. Some of the teens really wanted to fly - others were there as they had to be. I had to fight my desire to have them all over for a good meal and a hug. But I also got to the point (through pain!) of saying: Dudes this is how it is: "I love you all - you are all special to me, but I have a job to do and that means there are rules. Just like in life. There are consequences to actions. We set up a class constitution and we worked from that. For me that helped.

For me personally as an adult it showed me that compassion is not always about being nice. Sometimes it's about being really hard nosed - but always coming from a heartspace of wanting the best for the other. I am a bit tired tonight so I will reread this tomorrow and hope I've made sense.

*Please remember this is only my personal view and experience. That doesn't mean I believe others are wrong or incorrect.*