My Mother and I have always had a very touch and go relationship. Still do really, hence why I love being in Brisbane and her living in Townsville.
Although I feel I've come a long away, I feel like my childhood and my past still affect the person I am today.
For some strange reason this memory just popped into my head:
I was about 10 I guess. Mum and I had a huge fight before school and I walked to school crying.
There was some kinda play/presentation on at the school that day and I was sitting down watching it when I heard some carkeys jingle behind me. I knew they were my Mums keys and I turned around and she was there. I guess it must have been around 11am.
The show finished a little later and being a 10 year old, I had pretty much got over the earlier events. I asked her what she was doing here and her reply was "I've come to take you to the police station" .
Here I was a 10 year old girl who'd just had a major fight with her Mother she tells me that shes taking me to the police station because of the fight.
Now as a Mother myself and a grown Woman, I see the evil, spitful and nastiness of this. I see that she was obviously hurting herself and felt that she needed to hurt me back. But what such a cruel thing to do to a chlid.
So I'm here because I want to talk to her about all of these things and for her to acknowledge how wrong it was. But I dont want her to feel guilty. It hurts me more to think that she feels crap or guilty. So its kinda a doulbe edged sword for me.
I hate the secrecy and silence that goes on with her. I've never felt like I could express myself or talk to her. Such a horrible relationship to have with your Mother. I already feel bad for even whinging about my childhood when I know she provided for us. I guess its the emotional deprivation that has affected me the most.
Anyways, I don't know why this has come up now. Just needed to vent it.
I'm supposed to be on my way to work but I couldn't read and not reply.
You so totally do not need to take any responsibility for how your mother feels. Ever. Period. And I'm not sure you will ever get the acknowledgement you want. I suspect like many of us with abusive/mentally ill parents that is something you will need to work though in your own therapy, by yourself, because you have the compassion, the maturity, the insight that she does not.
I'm not sure whether you've heard of borderline personality disorder (or other personality disorders), but there is a fabulous book called "Stop walking on eggshells" which speaks directly to those family members affected by it. I feel this may answer some of your questions.
I can only speak from my own experiences but I've found no matter how I approach the subject with my mother she gets on the defensive and either tells me it didn't happen, I misunderstood it, it was for my own good or it was my fault.
If you feel you need to talk to her about it then you should but just be prepared that you might not get the answers you want.
She emotionally abused and neglected me, sure I had a roof over my head but I never had the love only a mother can give. You shouldn't feel bad, emotional abuse often leaves some very very deep wounds.
Have you tried talking to someone else about it? I refuse to talk about my childhood with my mother because she has her account and I have mine, both are very different.
I think you need to come to a kind of peace within yourself about this, because I don't think there is anyway you can 'resolve' or acknowledge her actions with her, without her getting her back up about it.
I have had to 'forgive' my mother alot of things from my childhood. She was a brilliant mother - for her other five kids. For me, she was vindictive and cruel and petty at times - althoughnot all the time. I can understand why (she had PND with me and never bonded with me and resented me, I learned as an adult). But she cannot acknowledge her treatment of me (she just continually points out the 'good' things). I had to come to a point where I realised that no matter what I did or said, I could never change her or her attitude or the things she had done or said (or not done or said). I had to realise that she would never acknowledge these issues and would always dissmiss them as unimportant. I had to come to the realisation that if I wanted any kind of meaningful relationship with my mother from that point forward, I had to honestly forgive her and move on myself. She will never know I have 'forgiven' her. It is not about her. It is about me. She would be horrified at the thought that I would forgive her, she doesn't believe she has ever done anything wrong.
But you know what. My mum and I now have a fabulous relationship. We get along 90% of the time. I have a mum I can talk to and spend enjoyable time with and who I can treat as an equal. But that was only able to happen once I had let go of all the baggage I was carrying.
It doesn't make what happened in the past all right, but it does mean I have reached a place of acceptance where in no longer impacts upon my present and future relationship with her.
Acknowledgement Without Guilt
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