Complicated step parenting situation... help please!

[Yarrawin]

Hi all

I have a four year old stepson and I need some help as we're going to be walking into a a potentially difficult situation and I don't know how to deal with it. I want to do the best thing by him of course but I also want it to be as stress free as possible for all involved, not just him.

My DSS lives overseas with his mother, DH and I moved out to Australia last year as we were pretty much screwed over by the GFC and we didn't have much of a choice. Australia is home for me and it was the best and pretty much only option we had after we both lost our jobs and had no prospects of things getting any better.

We're heading back next year and I'm really worried about how it's going to affect all of us. I highly doubt DSS remembers me. He was 2 when I left and I haven't seen or spoken to him since. DH talks to him over the webcam and has also been back for a visit but we couldn't afford for both of us to go. I love him to death - it was my idea to go back and it was because of DSS that I suggested it (not a story for here, it's all very complicated going back to before DSS was born, but no, neither DH or I ever did anything naughty).

So, we're going back into a situation where DSS seems convinced that his daddy is going back to live with him and his mum in their house. In reality Daddy is coming back with stepmother (me) and a baby sister he doesn't know exists (and isn't even born yet) and Daddy and stepmum are going to be living in their own house with his baby half sister and he will come to visit. DH has tried to explain that to him as best as he can but I don't think DSS understands at all.

I'm so worried about him not accepting the situation, about him not feeling like he's really a part of our family etc. I love him as though he was my own flesh and blood and I want him to feel loved and valued and comfortable and happy with us. I don't know how often he will be visiting us, the situation is very, very complicated. I am planning on decorating a fantastic bedroom for him once we are settled and so that can be his own special place (he doesn't have his own bedroom at home).

I really, really don't know how to handle this. He loved me when I was a part of his life and I want to get that back. I understand it's a process etc but I just feel so worried and lost about how all this is going to pan out. He is a very stressed little boy which doesn't help. If you want more in depth details PM me but I'm not going to talk about it publically as it's all quite nasty. I have sat in twice on a part of DH's webcam chats with him (when DSS is staying with my MIL, not when he's with DH's ex) and the first time he was very shy, the second he still didn't say anything but when I said I had to go he said goodbye to me, waved and blew me a kiss.

I feel terrible for feeling like this, but I'm totally overwhelmed. It took me a long time to cope with being a stepmum even though I knew what I was getting into as DH's ex was pregnant when he and I started seeing each other. It was still a big transition but eventually I got the hang of things and DSS loved me to bits and the feeling was mutual. Now though I'm only just going to be learning to be a mum when I become mum of a newborn AND part time (possibly frequent) mum of a four year old... we are going back when DD will be only 9 weeks old if she comes on time, so it's going to be a period of HUGE adjustment. While I obviously want it to be stress free I'm not naieve enough to believe it will actually be like that!

Sorry this is long and rambling, I feel a tad lost though and I found it quite hard to compose this post, so sorry if its confusing! I've tried talking to DH about it but he just keeps telling me not to worry and that we'll take it slowly and then he changes the subject. I think he's nervous too but we've had so much other stuff going on that he doesn't want to talk about it and he doesn't want me to worry.

If anyone has any tips, advice, strategies etc I would really appreciate it. I want to do the best by all of us here, and I want both children to be happy, healthy and feel totally loved and a part of our family.

[Fleur]

That does sound like a tough situation. And I can understand you wanting to prepare for it. I think it's a good thing, and I can also understand your DH's POV - there is only so much you can prepare for, there will be things you don't know ahead of time & can't control, therefore can't deal with until it happens.

It will likely be very hard for your DSS to understand the situation until he sees it. While it's worth trying to prepare him, I think you've also got to be prepared for him to not 'get it' until it's there in front of him. He's still very young to be trying to grasp what your DH is telling him.

It will be nice for him to have his own room, especially if he gets to help decorate it & be involved in the process. The biggest thing IMO is to give it time. I know you said you understand it's a process, and that's so true. Kids process things at their own pace. Sometimes the only thing that works, the only thing you can do is give it time & love, and consistency. If you are patient & loving with your DSS he will learn that. Kids have a great capacity to love.
I'm not sure how the relationshps with his mother are... but be careful of speaking badly of her to him (not that I am suggesting that you would). I hated hearing my stepmother bag out my mum, although as an adult I can see her POV. As a kid, I didn't want to hear it & didn't understand it.
And remember that kids minds think differently to ours. I remember a lot of my childhood thoughts & it is so interesting to me now as an adult to be able to remember them. I really did have an entirely different outlook & thought process. It's hard to explain but I keep it in mind as much as I can, that my kids will see things very differently to how I do.

I don't know that that is much in the way of advice for you, but hugs to you & I wish you all the best. It's not easy but you seem to be going into it with eyes & heart open, it's a great start

[Yarrawin]

Thanks Fleur I guess I'm already taking the approach you suggested and I really don't expect DSS to get the situation at all until we actually get there and it is all happening - he's so little and how can he understand something involving a stepmother he barely remembers (if at all!) and a baby sister that he has never met!?

The situation with his mum is really not good and we're actually expecting that a long and nasty custody battle will be on the horizon sometime in the future once things have calmed down a bit and once DSS is happy and comfortable with us, but I've never spoken badly of her in front of him and I never will. I've never been in the situation where I've had that happen to me as my parents are still together, but I can't imagine it would be nice or it would endear me to anyone involved. In the past if I've felt a rant about her coming on I've quietly left the room for a moment and taken out my anger/frustration on something else (like my pillow!) or I have waited until DSS has gone home and then DH and I have both had a good rant to each other (as we generally have the same concerns).

I'm glad I seem to be on the right page - the last thing I want to do is make him afraid, unhappy or uncomfortable and I'm glad that this is how others would handle it too! I forgot to mention I'm planning some activities that will allow DSS the opportunity to join in so he can re-get to know me... I bought him a Make Your Own Superhero Cape that I thought the three of us could do, I could bake some cupcakes he might like to help me with and stuff like that.

[Fleur]

Reading your post, I didn't think you would speak badly of his mum to him - I guess I just felt the need to add it as it was so yuck for me as a child.

Best of luck with it especially if you're right about the custody issues