Dealing with disapointment (not with yourself) - how do you do it

[Yael]

Hey guys,

Just wondering how the rest of you deal with and grow from disappointing situations - just things that don't work out, or go totally wrong, and you can't change them (as opposed from being disappointed from your actions with something, which is a little different to deal with).

I know the first stage is accepting the situation as it is, but once you have done that, it doesn't mean your feelings resolve, and how do you work on personal growth so you can accept suture situations easier?

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I use it as an opportunity to do what I should've been doing all along - throwing that burden on Jehovah. I guess others would call it letting go, same thing really. I think about it, find out if there's something I could've done to change the outcome and if not, make a conscious effort to let it go and not think about it again. It's a lesson I have trouble with, taking too much responsibility for what's happening around me

Not sure if that's any help actually, I could be on the wrong wavelength...

[misty]

It really depends on the particular situation. But I beleive the key is acceptance. It doesn't mean you have to like the situation, or agree with the situation, but that you can accept that the situation is beyond your control. Sometimes you may need to examine the situation repeatedly to assure yourself that there is nothing you can do NOW to change it (it doesn't matter what you might have been able or not been able to do in the past - just what you can / cann't do now). It means you need ot then make a conscious decision to say "that sucks, but I CANN't do anything to change it. What are my options now (with continuing your life without the situation changing)?

A couple of example from my life just recently:
I received a huge rates bill ($3000ish) - it was about a year late in being sent to me and was racking up interest like there is no tomorrow. It was ACT revenues FAULT that this had happened. Thing is, it doesn't matter who's fault it is. I still have to pay the bill. I still have to find $3000 in the next two months (after some negotiation on timeframe) while we are broke and have other expenses. Nothing is going to change it, I have to accept it. So I accept that that is the reality of the situation and move on from there. (am still trying to figure out how - but that is a different problem).

Someone ran into my car while I was driving yesterday. He was at fault, there was nothing I could have done differently, or that I could possibly do now differently. Crap happens, and I have accepted that. It doesn't matter that he done something wrong - dwelling on it, stewing on it, doesn't help anything. Instead I have accepted that it happened and need to do what I need to do to move on from here (ie, police report, insurance, getting damage fixed, etc). It sucks, but there is nothing else I can do. I cann't change it. It happened.

I take comfort in the knowledge, that somehow, things will work out in the end and that as stressful as some event or situation may be, 'this too shall pass'. I look at the bigger picture and acknowledge that 'yes' my situation sucks, but instead of being resentful of what is wrong about it, I look at what is positive (although sometimes the only way to see the positive is to compare it to something much worse). My car accident - no-one was hurt, and the damage could have been worse; the guy who done it might have been a jerk instead of the compassionate (somewhat shellshocked) person he was. The huge unexpected bill - Could have been bigger; might have still not been sent to the right address racking up more in interest and I might have only found out when the debt collector came knocking or when I was declined for credit somewhere; we may be broke, but we will do what we can, pay what we can and things will inevitably sort themselves out - afterall, there is nothing else we can do.

[Cranky Kitten]

I find it's important when dealing with disappointment to acknowledge that that is how I am feeling about the situation. To allow myself the time and space to feel that emotion, acknowledge it and then move on. Only then can I reach a place where I can look forward to whether there is anything I can do to remedy the situation, or if not to come to a place of acceptance.

For too long I tried to ignore or supress my emotions in response to situations beyond my control, particularly in relation to things that had happened in the past. Eventually the pressure of those emotions became too great and I suffered what amounted to post traumatic stress disorder and resulted in a breakdown that nearly had me hospitalised in a psych ward. Pretty scary stuff. I had to learn that it is ok to have emotions, that it is ok to feel them as they arise and do what I needed to do to feel better. I didn't always have to be brave and deny that what had happened had affected me.

I've also found that learning to differentiate between things I can control or influence and what I can't has made a huge difference in my outlook. Ultimately I can only control my own actions and reactions to things. I can choose to dwelll, or choose not to.

[widdly]

I remind myself to have some perspective. Has anyone died? No. Do I have food, shelter and health? Yes. Then everything will be okay.

[Sopdet]

I've now gotten to the point that I acknowledge the disappointment, know that it is out of my control, think about what lessons I needed to learn (some I'm still going WTF about), realise that timings happen for a reason. I've not given up control of my life to "a higher being" but after a lot of hard lessons that have been as a result of things out of my control, I've learnt to not hold so tight onto things, to stop trying to control every aspect of my life, environment etc.

Onyx you said to me that my smile in my photos doesn't do my real smile justice, yet my smile of a few years ago was never a true smile, it rarely reached my eyes, I've had some tough lessons that I've had to learn, lessons that weren't things I could control, just my reactions to them.

[Colin Holmes]

Great question and so far very interesting answers!

I believe it depends on if its something in the past, something that cant be changed or if its an ongoing situation meaning something you are dealing with now.

If its something that cant be changed, something that has happened and its over, then accepting the fact that its in the past and you cant don anything to change it is definitely the first step. If you were involved in that situation personally and you're wondering if you could have dealt with the situation differently then in my opinion, in order to move on, first of all try to figure out if there was a lesson you could have learned from it and secondly forgive those that were involved for what they did and more importantly forgive yourself.

I think its always a good idea to learn and get as much value as you can in any situation, even when things seem to constantly go wrong.

I'll give you an example: A few years ago I woke up, ready to go to work on my motor bike. I go outside the house and realized my bike was stolen. For about a minute (not even that) I was shocked thinking "oh my god, my bike is gone"...and it suddenly hit me, I realized the simple truth which is my bike is gone, thats it, whats the point of staying in the state of negativity? Other than reporting it to the police there was nothing I could do. So I accepted it and moved on and had a wonderful day.

It all depends on how long you stay in the state of disappointment. What I've realized is that in any given situation, being in that state of disappointment never helps. The sooner you get out of that state of mind and focus on something positive the sooner you will be able to move on.

[BellyBelly]

Great post Colin! I don't think I am ever going to have anything else to add to these conversations anymore, you say everything so beautifully - couldn't top that