Two naughty cousins- one gets a smack the other didn't..

[appletree]

Long story short, I am camping with family at the beach and my three year old ran off with my cousins three year old back to the campsite as we were walking back to the beach, crossing a caravan park road by themselves after stopping to check for cars. We had only just arrived, DD hasn't been here before and we hadn't talked about rules, but my cousins DS has and is not allowed to cross the road.

When we catch up to them, my cousins kid gets 5 huge smacks and is roaring, I don't smack so DD was pit on the naughty step and afterwards I explained the rules to her.

Did I do the wrong thing? My aunts seem to think because Ryan got smacked I too should have smacked Maya! I am a bit p!ssed off about it, there isn't a chance of it ever happening. One aunt won't let it go and has been telling me her daughter in law 'is a good little mother, she's not afraid to give her a good smack when she deserves it!'. She is talking about a 15 month old baby! Not to mention how condescending calling her a 'good little mother'...

[helle]

So is the kid 3 or 15 months?

Personally, I don't really see anything wrong with either. They are both different styles of parenting and they should both be respected.
Perhaps your cousin was harsher as Ryan knows the rules but disobeyed. And the rule is obviously there to keep him safe. Let's face it, being smacked is better than being plowed by a car.
And being your DD didn't know the rules and hasn't been before you have given her a punishment that allows you to explain the situation to her.

I'd just ignore them if I were you. Rellies can be so opinionated and forceful with them!

[lilima]

No one can tell you that you have to smack your child. And also what's the point of her going on about it now. The situation has passed, and delt with individually (albiet differently) with each child. No point her harping on to you about it. I'd just say that you don't want to talk about it any more.

[Nelle]

Discipline is about teaching, and kids learn in different ways. If your child learns they've done something unacceptable by being sat on a step, so be it. The most important thing isn't so much the method, to me, it's making sure whatever you do, your kids are most likely to learn from it.

So - I guess try to ignore what others are saying if you know there's a better teaching method for your little one. xo

[LionsandBears]

You're facing that defensive thing that happens when people see others parent differently to them. People can discipline as they see fit (so long as it doesnt become abuse).

Ask her to drop it, there's nothing to discuss. If she keeps on, she's being disrespectful. You can walk away. If she keeps up, tell her you respect her right to an opinion. You disagree and would like her stop arguing about it.

It's the same as if you disagreed about anything else. Some people just wont shut up about it.

[~Kim~]

Perhaps ask her if she might be offended if you told her her parenting skills were not up to scratch?
Everybody is different like the PP's said.

[CrazyLady]

You should do what feels right for you hun. If your child learns by getting put in a naughty spot then stick to your guns and do it your way. My DD learns by me saying no and then explaining what she did wrong and it works fine for us. Other people may have to smack or put in timeout and as long as it works for them then there is no right or wrong way.

HTH

[~Stoked~]

My daughter never 'needed' a smack.. It just wasn't necessary as she would get the message just by me using a louder voice and angrier tone. I agree with Nelle, if your child gets the message after being placed on a step then she has learned a lesson and has been punished.
I'd be telling aunty to back off!

[appletree]

Sorry helle, that wasn't clear, she's talking about her own grand daughter who isn't even here. The one who got smacked here is the three year old.

Your right, any more digging and I will just ignore it, I just hope they don't do anything more naughty that requires disciplining!

[Aligater]

we just had that same problem with camping with family but DHs family took it on themselfs to disipline my DD I do smack but not hard My MIL did and left a huge hand print on her leg. sorry this is your thread but do it your way and dont leave her with others that dont is what Im saying

[CinderToriella]

No one can tell you how to be a parent ..That is up to you, everyone parents differently and they should not assume just because they do something that you should as well.
So no i do not believe you have done anything wrong

[Just Me]

What a yucky situation! Good on you for sticking to your guns. If you don't use smacking as a form of discipline with your kids, it is not fair on them that you start just because someone else thinks you should.

I posted this quote in someone else's thread this morning and I think it is relevant here as well:

"The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things 'because we're supposed to.'" ~Marshall Rosenberg

I think it is incredibly powerful. Just because other people think that we should do something is not a good enough reason to do it and can actually be very detrimental. You know what you are doing with your own child and you are only responsible for building a relationship with your own child. How other people choose to care for their kids and the kind of relationship they build with their kids is entirely up to them.

I also think that fairness is something that we try to create too artificially for our kids. Not everything in life is fair - actually very few things are. It is not about making things 'fair' for your cousin's kid by smacking your own. How is that 'fair' on your child anyway? It is your cousin's job to work through those issues with her own child and if she feels bad because her kid got smacked and yours didn't, that's also her issue to work through.

Your aunt needs to mind her own business and if she her comments are driving you up the wall and you don't want to say anything to her about it at the moment, it might be time for you to take some time out with just you and your kids - go for a drive or something if you can.

I hope she pulls her head in. You are your DD's mum and you know what is best for her. You have done a great job made even greater by the fact that you did what you thought was right despite the opinions of others. That is not always easy to do.

[Tuesday's Child]

If you were to smack a child because "you're supposed to", it probably wouldn't work because you don't believe in it as a punishment. The child would sense your lack of conviction and become confused about the rules.

FWIW I think you did the right thing. DD didn't yet know the rules so how could she know she wasn't supposed to cross the road?

[Rivlas]

What would have happened if you had smacked your child and the other was ssat down on the "naughty chair"
You would have been harsh while the other had a better approach.

No matter what you do or how you go about it you will never have everyone agree. Do what you feel is best for you and your child and if others don't approve then that's their problem.

At the end of the day it's your child and you discipline them your wway.

[beckoes]

i think you did the right thing....sticking to what you normally would do and in turn not confusing your DD. and imagine how bad you would probably feel if you gave in to preasure and did smack her just becasue thats what someone else was doing.

It wrong of them to tell you that you are in anyway a worse mother becasue you did something differently. i would have commented that everyone does things differently and whilst you respect her way of parenting her son people should respect your way of parenting your DD. one way that works for one child wouldnt work for another.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

OK, your cousin is a "good little mother for giving a smack." You are a fantastic, adult, grown-up, reasoning, thinking mother for realising that other people are not right all the time and working out how to discipline (meaning teach, not hit) your child in a way that works for your family. Not someone who will accept banal, undermining and belittling praise for following a herd.

FWIW, I grew up with being smacked and my sister never cared and was completely off the rails (I just lived in perpetual fear, which still impacts my life today). My DS gets time in and he understands consequences and other peoples' feelings more than my sister did at four times his age! He is also not scared to talk to me about anything, even when we decide together that DS did something that wasn't kind.

[Jellybean29]

I think your aunt should respect your choice of discipline just as much as you respect hers.
And if she still is going on about it, maybe remind her that smacking is illegal in NZ and considered child abuse - that might shut her up a bit :P

[Catherine]

You sound like a GREAT mother