The *down* side to gentle parenting?

**jackrose** · February 1st, 2011, 06:29 PM

I need to clarify before I post anything here that I am - or have always thought of myself as a gentle parent, and I believe in and am even passionate about the basic philosophy behind it.

I am going through a real challenge at the moment as I once again find myself at the crossroads. Gentle parenting has broken me for the second time, with my second daughter. I only wish that all the co-sleeping, baby wearing, gentle time I have spent with my daughters would translate into a peaceful rewarding relationship, but for me it has taken me to some of the worst places I could imagine as a mother.

Don't get me wrong, it has also given me the best, and most rewarding moments also, but this parenting caper is such a challenge, such a mixed bag and such a difficult thing to manage that I just can't make gentle parenting work for all the belief I have in it.

I also truly believe that a sane mother is better than an insane one and because of sleep deprivation, I am teetering towards insane at the moment so I am having to leave behind some of my strongly held gentle parenting beliefs, as much as I really don't want to. And this is where my question fits. Is the down side to gentle parenting the fact that if you cannot maintain it you feel like more of a failure than if you never entertained thoughts of it in the first place? A real side effect of gentle parenting for me is the terrible guilt I feel at not being able to meet it's standards. Maybe if I never bothered to read Margot Sutherland's book or Pinky McKay, or "The Continuum Concept" I would not feel so damn terrible.

I know that when I get over this hurdle, I can re-visit gentle parenting, I just hate that it has led to me being as overtired and as insane as I am right now cos I know better.

Just have to get that out.

**onthefly** · February 1st, 2011, 06:36 PM

WHy not throw away the labels and do what works best for you all?

**Trillian** · February 1st, 2011, 06:39 PM

Honestly, I think that there would be very few people who could read those books, adopt that philosophy and have it go easy peasy without any troubles. What I have learnt is that we can read all the parenting books in the world, but our kids don't read those same books so sometimes it kinda ends up with you trying to fit a square peg in a round hole kwim? I think that it is probably being overly ambitious of anyone to think that they can get it to work exactly as it says in the books - sometimes they might and that's awesome, but the reality would be that some parents would have to make concessions if they are going to make anything work.

So what I reckon is stop trying to put so much pressure on yourself to be a certain type of parent and just be yourself, because I'm sure being yourself and just doing whatever works for you and the girls on that particular day is going to be far better for everyone involved as opposed to you trying to stick to something that sounds like it isn't working and making you a mess in the process. Your girls aren't going to care that you followed Pinky or the continuum concept down to the the last letter, they are going to care that you do whatever works for all of you

And that doesn't mean you are a sellout, or not a gentle enough parent, all that means is that you realise that sometimes your little square pegs need a square hole even if the book says they need the round one

**beckoes** · February 1st, 2011, 06:40 PM

hugs, what ever your going through sounds hard and i have sympathy for you. some times when i was in DDs room for the 3rd hour straight rocking her to sleep and i thought of other mums who just let there kids cry a bit for a few nights then they settle them selves to sleep id hate the way i had chosent o do things and would think ''what difference would it really make in ten years time'' ''would she even notice if i just let her cry a bit''

What ever you decide to do is for the best for you and your children!!! you need to find what works for you all, even if you just take one idea from the book and then work that into your own stuff! hugs and good luck, hope your probs sort them selves out!

**Ozziehoffy** · February 1st, 2011, 06:43 PM

aye aye aye aye! Yup, know how you feel and actually said to a couple of friends today... me + gentle parenting today = EPIC fail on every level! Ooooh boy do I hear you.

**boomba** · February 1st, 2011, 06:52 PM

WHy not throw away the labels and do what works best for you all?

:yeahthat: Big hugs hun I think we all reach a point where every type of parenting gets thrown out the window and you do what you have to to cope! Big hugs xxx

**jackrose** · February 1st, 2011, 06:56 PM

I guess labels are exactly the problem.

and I feel the problem is also that I have been trying to do what feels right, what has felt natural for me and the kids and I have been please and proud of how beautifully they have responded to me. I just wish that there was more sleep! It is really only the sleep deprivation that has driven me to this point of despair and unfortunately that has made me into an irritable, intolerant mother who is so far from what I want to be.

I am more realistic than to try to follow the advice of such books to the letter, and it is not that I am down on myself for not living like the Amazonian Indians or never letting my children cry, because believe me, I know when a little bit of crying or less than textbook mothering is not the end of the world. I just feel that I am beyond that and have begun to behave in a way that I am really not proud of. I don't even want to mention some of the things I have done or thought today as it is certainly more than just being hard on myself.

Anyway, I'm visiting with my MCHN tomorrow and have put other avenues of support into place, I am just interested in the feelings I am having of (I guess) 'grief' at not being able hold it together. ...or even shame at some of the ways I have delt with things.

... and I have no inspiration to be a perfect parent

**BellyBelly** · February 1st, 2011, 07:00 PM

I'd have low points on my gentle parenting journey too, resort to less gentle methods and then go back to it when I was stronger. I think the big thing is support. All methods of parenting work better with extra hands, support and most importantly - giving more to yourself. You can so easily burn out with gentle parenting if you dont have this. Do you have other people around you who can come and give you some help for a while? Makes a huuuuuge difference.

**onthefly** · February 1st, 2011, 07:04 PM

You're not alone feeling like this jackrose.
It's a very clear sign that you need rest and time out - I hope you can find the support and help to let you do that.
There is no such thing as a perfect parent, just like there's no perfect child.

**jackrose** · February 1st, 2011, 07:09 PM

I'd have low points on my gentle parenting journey too, resort to less gentle methods and then go back to it when I was stronger. I think the big thing is support. All methods of parenting work better with extra hands, support and most importantly - giving more to yourself. You can so easily burn out with gentle parenting if you dont have this. Do you have other people around you who can come and give you some help for a while? Makes a huuuuuge difference.

You know what, this is exactly it.

DH works faaaar to many hours in the day, 7 days a week and I do feel like a work-a-holic widow, (with a third child when he is here

) Plus he is about to head off for another overseas trip this week....

This is burnout for me and it is not the end of the world as I can still see the forest for the trees, I can see it for what it is. I am keenly aware that I need support and do what I can to arrange it. I just really wish that some of the parenting I had employed to date resulted in a baby who slept for more than 2 hours at a time... or a husband who got it when I said, I am exhausted, please help, let me sleep.

With regards to the other people who can help, I did have help from mum in the last few weeks but was so sleep deprived I have reached the level of insomnia and couldn't get to sleep when I had the chance. Seem to be addicted to those bf sleepy hormones

So i guess my next question to consider is "does gentle parenting only work with support?"

(ETA: this is really just me thinking things through in a way)

**Arcadia** · February 1st, 2011, 07:26 PM

Oh, I could have written your post (in fact I may have) when DD was 8 months old...the only thing that saved my sanity was going home to my parents for a week and SERIOUSLY sleeping. I mean, I only had the baby for feeds, and everything else was done for me.

YES gentle parenting works better with help...in fact ALL parenting works better with help.

You sound isolated and overwhelmed, and frankly very darn lucid for someone so fatigued.

Is is possible to keep some of your philosophies about GP, while still getting support? Can you call on relatives for a "holiday" wiuth only one child, or for some meals, or some cleaning duties.

It is very hard to ask for help, but even harder to cope without it. Where are you based? Could some local BBers come and give you a hand.

You're not alone in this.

Let go of the guilt (some advice I need to take). This too shall pass, and right now you sound like you're in survival mode...do whatever it takes to get you through!!

thinking of you

**BellyBelly** · February 1st, 2011, 07:32 PM

We are not wired to parent this way. We weren't designed to do it all. We weren't designed to work full time, raise a family - women are nurturers and all about community. But we're stuck in a house with babies and at our wits end trying to parent how our heart tells us but the body is screaming out, 'please stop and care for me.' Its just not going to work that way. I too had the IT widow/overseas travelling situation and felt very very alone. It sent me crazy and doubting myself, the way I parented, and the guilt because I wanted to give them what they deserved.

It takes a village to raise a child and its never too late to build your village. Go get yourself a massage STAT and think about a plan to support you, so you can mother to the best of your abilities - because you feel mothered too. If youre on my FB had a very interesting discussion about this yesterday!

**Trillian** · February 1st, 2011, 07:35 PM

I agree with Arcadia - nothing works without support. If you are in that situation it wouldn't matter what you did, you would still reach a point where you just burn out. And there are no guarantees that if you followed other methods that you would have babies that slept better. Some babies are just crap sleepers period. I know what it's like to feel like you are mostly doing it alone too. When I had our 3rd bub DH was working a 13 day fortnight with only Sundays off and 14 hour days for SEVEN MONTHS!! I had a 3.3yo, a not quite 2yo and a newborn and it was hell! It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. So I totally understand where you are coming from in that regard. So just do what you have to do and when you do have the support available to you grab it with both hands and take it. And don't be afraid to tell people you need help. We get pretty good at making it look like we are coping and have our act together when really we are like a duck on water - calm as anything above the water but paddling furiously beneath it.

**Ozziehoffy** · February 1st, 2011, 08:50 PM

*nods* oh I remember the full on sleep deprived days like that... Elijah was shocking until 14 months old and I was at my wits end so often and just pictured myself looking like in some of the cartoons, the ladies with the fag hanging out of their mouths (except that I gave up years before), the slippers on, the robes and the hair up in rollers with the scarf around it and those GINOURMOUS bags under their eyes... that's how I felt I looked lol. I have to say that the days where I have not had a good nights sleep.. .yep are the hard ones... but also I hear you on DH working. Now, I know he has to work, I understand that and I feel very lucky to be able to be a SAHM (but I tell you sometimes I wish I worked cos it's easier during the day lol..) but the hours are just insane! Today, for instance, he left home at 4:30am and didn't get home until 6:30pm... it is really hard when the days just drag on and on.

Some days, I actually do nothing, no housework, apart from cooking and just the kitchen tidy up but NOTHING else cos I NEED to not do it.

**Fleur** · February 1st, 2011, 08:56 PM

We are not wired to parent this way. We weren't designed to do it all. We weren't designed to work full time, raise a family - women are nurturers and all about community.

I couldn't have said that any better. The society we live in isn't really geared for gentle parenting (witness the amount of people who think you should feed to a schedule and that baby should 'fit in with our lives')

And what Arcadia said - all parenting works better with help.

I know that when I get over this hurdle, I can re-visit gentle parenting, I just hate that it has led to me being as overtired and as insane as I am right now cos I know better.

I have to say, CC and CIO don't give any guarantees of a good night's sleep - I have done it the other ways & I was still tired & stressed out. At least this way I know she's doing better than me

I don't think anyone should beat themselves up though if they need to do things differently for a bit. It's all part of doing what works for you. We all have our limits, I don't know any supermums who don't have a point at which enough is enough! or an area in which they wish they could do better.
And, FWIW what you have done, all your gentle parenting so far IS valuable - don't discount it all & feel like it's worth nothing just because you're burnt out right now. It's the downside of being informed I guess, how you are feeling now - but better to know, and practise it where you can, than not know at all.

You're doing a wonderful job, and this too shall pass

**Shades** · February 1st, 2011, 08:57 PM

Thank you so so much for posting this thread. I've been thinking it was just me who was having trouble sometimes. It's good to know I'm not alone - and that it doesn't make me a failure or a bad mummy!!

**~Hestia~** · February 1st, 2011, 09:00 PM

everyone has said it better than I could ever hope to.

But thank you for posting this thread. I think I really needed to read your responses at the moment too.

**Smoke Jaguar** · February 1st, 2011, 09:13 PM

The 'down side' to gentle parenting is that because our society has become so family un-friendly (so much for work-life balance - unless it involves no family and balancing houseboat trips with work!), it takes more effort to 'hold the space' and shield ourselves from all the pressures we get from all sides!
To me, gentle parenting is my aim, not necessarily what I do all the time. We're all fallible.
I remember one of Pinky's general emails that said if you feel like you "can't cope" it means you're not getting the help you need to do the job you're doing. When DP gets home and sees the house (well, his mum's house where we lived until last Friday...he's still there, he he!) messy and things not done and gets antsy about it, I know that he's on the verge of accusing me of 'not coping'. And I just want to yell "No, I'm not 'coping', so get off my case and just let me parent"! As in, my 'job description' is for parenting, NOT housekeeping...that's a bonus I chuck in when I can, these days

Mate, I've been having some shocking days, lately. DS is really taking off in his personality and with all the pressures until I moved the kids and I to the farm I just couldn't really balance out what DP expected to get done, how MiL was getting peeved with the kids doing their kid things in her house (and the not so subtle indications that she doesn't agree with my parenting, therefore, won't support it), external pressures like bill paying etc. I am now living in a caravan with my kids, but dammit, it's on my own turf, with very little 'housekeeping' and I've had the best 5 days I've had in ages with the two kids. And that's on my own! I thought I'd be a heaving mess by now! DP is due to join us for a couple of weeks next week, so I wonder how that will change the dynamic again. I'm hoping the rest of the week is a good innoculation against whatever negatives he brings with him.
Amazing what taking away some pressure can do. The only aggro I've had is at the pool when DS has tuned me out and nearly drowned his sister...another story...
Ultimately, be true to yourself and to your kids. You are only answerable to them, and one day they'll be asking you about how you raised them, and I reckon you'll be able to hold your head pretty high