Am I being unreasonable???

[lise]

Okay, need to know what others think please, I over analyse so much I don't know what to think any more!!

DH wakes around 6am, before DS and myself. He reads the papers for about an hour, then goes for a walk for one hour just when DS is waking up. Once he's back he has minimal interaction with DS before he heads to work. He usually catches the bus to work unless he's running late (which is often) so we drive him. So he's at work from about 9am or later, which means he has to stay till about 6pm.

I get really annoyed that he "wastes" time in the morning reading the papers etc when DS is sleeping and then works late which means he mostly missed feeding DS dinner
(this and bathing DS are his 'jobs') and sees him for a short time each evening.

So - am I being unreasonable in wanting DH to go to work earlier (since he's awake anyway) rather than reading papers and getting to work late? I'd like him to be home earlier to spend time with us and I feel like he doesn't prioritise us over work, reading papers etc... I don't have much 'me' time since DS came along but I feel that DH still fits his in, at the expense of family time...

Any thoughts appreciated, even if you think I'm unreasonable

[Catastrophic]

I dont think it's unreasonable. Talk to him about it an see what he says.


Love MN ;-)

[Miss.September]

I'd be pretty annoyed at that, TBH. I'd be saying he can read his paper on the bus!

[Life is Good]

Hmmm, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. When DS was born, DH had this crazy job where he would work from 8am to 8pm/9pm at night and often over weekends. So I was pretty much a single mum during the week. Because he was just doing his job it didn't bother me at all and I actually felt sorry for him because he was worried he was missing out on seeing DS growing up. Now he is working from home and my expectations have changed. I do demand more of him because he is around - and, fortunately, he does help out heaps more.

I would have an issue with him doing what your DH is doing. Having said that, often our partners are just oblivious to the fact that they aren't pulling their weight or that we are taking strain. Perhaps he has no idea that what he is doing is bothering you? How about compromising? Ask him to go for a walk first and then read the paper when DS is awake and he can help out a bit. Otherwise ask him to get up a bit earlier and start his routine at 5:30? When I was working, I would read the paper on my way to work and during my morning / lunch break - perhaps he can do that?

It is hard and I hope you work something out. What I have realised is that nipping this sort of thing in the bud is so important. Otherwise your frustrations bubble over and mummy-melt-downs are never a good thing x

[Kazzo]

I agree with PP. My DH just does not realise somethings and needs to be reminded. I don't expect him to spend all his home time with our DD's everyday because I believe he needs some him time away from work too. But when I notice that he is doing it to much then I tell him.

I would mention it to your DH. I can't see why he can not take his papers with him and like PP have said, read them on the bus or during breaks. Maybe compromise and ask for him to do this 3 out of 5 days of the week. That way it wont be a big change for him (men just don't handle change sometimes).

[~Ash~]

I agree with everyone else's opinions - I can see that it would be a hard conversation to have because you would already be feeling so hurt by his actions - I can see it blowing up when you want to talk about it (but I guess that just means I probably would blow up about it lol not you sorry)

Maybe another option would be to suggest that he focuses on leaving in the morning and you could all go for a walk together on the afternoon? That way he has daddy time too.

Maybe bringing it up as you being worried that he isn't getting enough daddy time as the problem so that he can come up with the solutions ;-) that always works well for me lol

Good luck with it - I hope you can sort it out without too much trouble.

[mummydreamer]

I don't think you're being unreasonable, i think it's a fair point. and like the others have said, mention it to him and see what he says? sometimes men are oblivious and just need to be told

[~Jayne~]

I don't think it's unreasonable at all - but good luck trying to change him. This is the basis of many an argument in my house right now. Only I moved to flipping China to see our DH more & the last 3 weeks has seen him leave for work at 6:30am & come home at 7pm every night. I'm beginning to get a complex!!!! lol

[~Hestia~]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all!

[Junglemum]

No way is that an unreasonable request in my books!

I have come to realise that men don't put the same importance on many things. To them, working is often their main priority as they are often the breadwinners. Whereas in my eyes, parenting our kids comes first, and of course work is important but not at the detriment to our family unit. I do find sitting him down and telling him how it makes me feel and effects me does help. He constantly needs reminding though. I am always nagging him to be home in time to have dinner with the kids. It's important to me.

I get the best response by not criticizing, but rather talking about how it effects us (the kids and i)

[Winter]

Nope, not being unreasonable at all.

[PollyA]

As the working partner I don't think you are being unreasonable but I do think that the key is in your approach. In my experience when you have conversations about how things run in the house etc it can deteriorate into attack/defense type conversations.

I like the idea of family AGM's where instead of bringing up something in a moment of rage or after it has festered, you can talk about different things from a neutral beginning. Ask for his side. WHy does he read the paper? Its possible its just a hard wired habit. he might have never thought about changing. Or maybe he has another reason, I can't think of any but you just never know why people do things, unless you ask. I hope that makes sense.

Good luck!

[onthefly]

I'd talk to him about it. Maybe talk about how you & your DS miss him or something like that. Or maybe talk about how important it is to spend time together and ask if he has any ideas about how you could do that...? Then it becomes his idea.
DH makes a point of leaving early for this very reason.

[Winter]

The old 'make 'em think it was their own idea' routine, 99.

Too clever MadB!

[lise]

Thanks ladies for your support and advice. We had a bit of a chat and he agreed to come home earlier where possible, but he was very defensive even though I tried not to make it seem like an attack/criticism etc. Trouble is he thinks spending 30 mins per day with DS is fine and doesn't see a need really to change anything, so very hard to get him to think of anything himself!

A work in progress I guess...

Thanks again for your replies - at least I can stop feeling bad for being unreasonable