Questions for late loss parents re: Bereavement room
This is a questions only for parents who have had a late loss/perinatal death.
Assuming you birthed you baby in a hospital, did your hospital have or offer the use of a bereavement room? A place to go after the birth for you to be with your little one to say goodbye and spend some time with that wasn't a birth suite or the maternity ward?
If you did, do you mind telling me which hospitals have bereavement rooms and what they're like? The only one I know of is at the Mercy in Melbourne, but I don't know what it is like.
If like me, you didn't have the option, what did you do? Did you go to the maternity ward? Did you have a private room? Was your DH able to stay with you? Were you able to have much time with your bub?
We stayed in the birth suite overnight and left the following afternoon. In our case, DS's death was unexpected and happened after birth, so they were not able to give us the birth suite they normally assign to stillbirth parents (assuming it was available). For after care, we had the option of going to the prenatal ward or the maternity ward. There were no private rooms available and I didn't want to go near the sound of crying babies or be near pregnant bellies, so our only option was the birth room. It had a quick tidy up, but there was still blood on the floor when my family came to visit. There were no roll out beds available (or there may have been, but the nurse on duty didn't know where they were), so I slept on the uncomfortable bed/table I birthed on and DH slept on a birth mat on the floor.
Since then, I've been talking to the hospital about the need for a bereavement room. They know the statistics better than me, they know how many they're dealing with each year. It's an uphill battle. There doesn't seem to be either the physical space or the funding for a bereavement room. My vision is it would be something like a hotel room, with an ensuite and access to midwives, as the mother still has post-birth requirements. But it would be a prettier room where family could visit and have a double bed so the parents could stay together with their baby.
What do you think of that idea? Do you think it would have helped in any way? Would you recommend the option to your hospital?
Any responses, either in the thread or via PM would be great.
i delivered at the mercy in heidelberg, and after delivery i had to go to theatre, but when i was taken back i was taken to a birth suite that was away from all of the other suites.
we were given as long as we wanted and i chose to leave ASAP
i think ur idea is fantastic! i only hope the hospital's can provide something like that, god any parent to suffer a loss deserves to grieve in comfort
I think that sounds like a nice idea, Tashy, particularly for hospitals that either don't have the rooms or the space.
With me, i went into hospital at 1:30 on the sunday morning, and after they couldn't find his heartbeat, they told me to come back on the monday night, ready to be induced on the tuesday morning. so they kind of 'prepared' for me. when we arrived on monday night, they took me and DH straight to a private room, on the maternity ward, but as far away from other people as possible. they also brought in a chair that turned into a fold out bed, and set that up so DH could stay with me. they also said that normally the hospital ward had strict visiting hours, but these didn't apply to me, i could have visitors basically anytime i wanted.
after J was born, we stayed in the birth suite for a little bit, but then they took us back to our private room and said he could stay with us for as long as we wanted (to a point.) they said they did need to take him back to the morgue for a little bit, but basically we could ask for him anytime, and they also said i could stay in hospital as long as i wanted, but as his birth was fairly easy and i had no stitches or anything, i went home on the wednesday.
all in all, i think my hospital handled our situation really well. they had time for me, and if i'd have asked for anything random, i think they would have bent over backwards to do that for us. we had privacy, but we were also well looked after. i had a few midwives in tears talking to us about it all, and most if not all hugged us heaps. they were really friendly and supportive, so i guess we couldn't have asked for a more lovely hospital.
so yeah.....hope that helps a bit? that was my situation, anyway
oh ps J was delivered at Hawkesbury Hospital, in Windsor.
Last edited by mummydreamer; June 6th, 2011 at 10:07 AM.
Ianto was born at the Northern Hospital, and there wasn't a special room. They did move us into a better birth suite to stay in once we found out he'd died though. They had another bed in there for Scott, so he slept in that the three nights we were in. I would have liked to share a bed, but I didn't mind - I was that grateful he was even allowed to stay, I suppose.
Sent from my iPhone so forgive the speelung misstacks
Hi Tash - I've heard of horror stories about this, so I applaud you in trying to do something.
For us, we were in very lovely surroundings. We birthed our boys at St John of God in Berwick. We were given the smaller birthing suite to begin with as there was another woman in labour and she was given priority (which was fine, it was still a lovely room). I was in the birth suite being induced for one day and one night, during which hubbie stayed on a trundle bed.
Once the boys were born and after we spent probably another hour or so in the birth suite we were all move to a private room a little ways away from the maternity section (I never saw or heard any babies during my stay in this room). They put a butterfly sign on the door (which is obviously code for angel baby) and we were kept very private and seperate from maternity. They set my call button to go through to the midwives desk. We could stay pretty much as long as we liked. Given I birthed the boys at 10am we felt we were able to go home at 7pm that night without staying the night. I believe the room had a single bed, but there would not have been a problem either moving to a double room (if one was available) or having the trundle bed again if we decided to stay the night.
The day our babes were having their life support removed we were taken into a big room that had a futon. It was on the same floor as NICU. I'm not sure if the room was especially for this or not, but maybe it was. It was kind of away from the other rooms and you couldn't see in. It was nice to lay the futon out and lay with our bubs between us..
There was also a parents room up the other end which had a fold out double bed, ensuite and a small kitchen. We stayed there the night Taite had his operation and we were also taken there the day they died to bath them.. What you are suggesting would be fabulous.. It is so important to have the room for family, and it's nice to be able to sleep in the same bed as your partner..
I gave birth to Riley at the Manning Base in Taree at 5.30pm in the birth suite and we were left there while all of our family visited. We were given the option to stay in a private room in Maternity but i couldn't handle all the other babies crying. So we left at about 10.30pm they did however tell us if we wanted to visit him again to come back and they would bring him to see us, i thought that was nice of them. The midwives were so nice and understanding.
It's a great idea, wish all hospitals could have the correct facilities.
I was a Nepean Hospital in Penrith.
It was poor really.
Milana survivied 2 days in Nicu, then we had to turn off life support.
She was placed in my arms. life support was switched off, then i had to be wheeled to a quiet room at the opposite end of Nicu, with everyone watching me talking to her while she died
I stayed in the quiet room for a couple of hours with her, then went back up to the antenatal ward in a private room, could still here all the babies crying though.
I am working with the hospital to change policy at the moment, I am working with the Director to implement a bereavement brochure and with the assistance of NICUPS we have fundraised and bought a Cold Cot (donated in memory of Milana), so all parents can spend precious time with there bubs.
hi there i think that is a wonderful Idea, im an RN at greenslopes private in brisbane and have been there quite a while we are starting to build a whole wing dedicated to maternity, birth and paeds, im going to contact the CEO and request one be built and will start a petition, will keep you updated and hope to obtain all your signatures.
I had my son in a regular birthing suite at Mercy in Mt Lawley, Perth, and was able to spend some time with him there. and was then offered a private room on a totally seperate floor from maternity, which I really appreciated. I think I remember saying "please don't put me near any babies", so I am unsure if this is usual policy? I also had a chaplain (a nun I think) come and try to give me some supporty, I admit I don't think I was ready for that at the time. The hospy (private) also didn't send me any bills although every admission usually incurs a fee/ even if you have full health insurance which I did at the time, which I also appreciated, just a small gesture, but showed they cared, iykwim?
My situation is different, as I consider Isaiah a mid loss, not a late one, and we birthed at home. But we still had to go to the hossy, so can share that part of it.
Once we found he had passed, we were booked for induction 2 days later. I know our Maternity unit well.. it has 3 normal birthing rooms, all in a row, and you can hear every noise from them.... maternity unit is just around the corner, so you can hear the ward as well.
I was told there was no where else to birth, just one of the rooms... I was DREADING it so much.......
Luckily, he came at 3.00am at home, before we had to go be induced. Adam rang and told them I was fine, we will call in later in the morning.
About 10am we went to maternity, and had to walk through the entire ward, then birthing unit, carrying Isaiah.... it was horrendous.
Once there, we were put into a birthing room, with 2 labouring mums on either side... even more horrendous. We had to walk through the labour ward waiting room... just hideous.
The middies were so lovely, but I could hear the birthing mums, and the nursery, and the ward.... had we had any family/friends come, they would of been in the labour waiting room, and then the labour suite....
There is no seperate room or area at our hossy, its just a maternity/nursery/birthing rooms all in one section. I think your idea is absolutely beautiful, and very much needed at many hospitals.
Thank you all for your responses. It's heartening to hear some hospitals have thought this through and have some resources. It's so frustrating that such a basic service isn't offered at all maternity hospitals. Babyloss happens and it's always a shock. There should be something as basic as a bereavement room available at all hospitals.
I was given a private room close to the midwives station and a little away from the new mums, but still in the maternity wards. It was explained to me that I needed to be there for post natal care from the midwives and they knew how hard being there would be on me.
I found it to be fine. Yes I woke a few times to babies crying and it didn't bother me too much, except that it make my milk flow I think the hardest part was wheeling Noah past all the happy new mums with their chubby pink sleeping babies in their plastic cribs. They would look in my plastic crib and quickly look away. That sucked. It would have been nice to be able to wheel my son back without the awkwardness.
I got to spend as much time as I wanted and DH had a fold out bed in my room. Most of the time I made him stay in bed with me as I just wanted him to hold me and I wanted to hold him.
I think your idea is brilliant Tash, I definitely hope the hospital finds a way to make it a reality.
We had a private room on the delivery ward it was right away from all the other rooms where women where giving birth i had a senior midwife assigned to me who deals with stillborns and late term termination and the after care she and one other midwife were the only ones i had to see plus the doctor i could still hear women giving birth and babies crying which was very hard.
I was given the choice of going to the maternity ward after Abbi's birth or go home there was no way i could go to the maternity ward so i went home 4 hours after her birth we spent 1 hour holding her and looking at her then the nurse took her away to be weighed and have her footprints done then she was gone.
I think every hospital should have something in place to make the process of losing a bub as comfortable as possible so parents dont have to deal with other pregnant women or new babies at such a difficult time.
We lost Ellen at 41 weeks on 1/1/10. We met her and said good-bye to her at The Canberra Hospital. I went into hospital for a check up and they said her heartbeat had stopped. Mind you this took one midwife and two doctors until we got a straight answer. They were going to keep us in the room we were originally in but then checked and the "special" room was available.
The special room has a double bed (which is where I laboured) and hubby was able to stay with me for the night I was induced. The room is on the maternity ward and you have to go past all the other birthing rooms to get to it. I heard other babies and other women in labour while we were there. Ellen was born the next evening and we went home at lunch the next day. We weren't really offered to stay in hospital longer but we did get to spend time with our baby and hold her. One of the midwives took lots of photos of her for us. There was no offers to check on my health after her birth. I thought that I was sent home early because I had caused the death of my baby and they didn't want to look after me because of that. On the other hand I don't think I'd have wanted to go to a general maternity ward anyway and I don't think they have other options.I was to go to Queanbeyan hospital with my baby for a few days after she was born, because she died I didn't do this. This meant I didn't get any midcall so noone checked on my health after birth. The fact I didn't get this care has made me extremely worried and upset with this pregnancy.
I believe (in conversations with staff at TCH) that the new maternity section will have better facilities and a separate entrance for people suffering pregnancy loss. I was told there would be a special waiting area and room/s that were sound proofed.
Good luck with your plans
we were given the largest birthing suite on both occasions it is down in a far corner and they put a sign on the door to let people know what is going on, were were able to stay there until we were ready to leave
LionsnBears - was wondering how you were going with your bereavement room?
Was also wondering Me+bub+him how you went with Greeenslopes PH and whether the new maternity wing has something special.
It's heartbreaking reading some of the experiences we've all had. I am not sure why but I've not shared mine... I birthed both Amelia and Sophie at the same hospital... Sunnybank Private. Amelia was birthed during the day, and Sophie during the middle of the night. There are four birth suites there. Even though for Sophie I know there were other women birthing I didn't hear them. But maybe I was in my own special world. There are no special birthing suites as best I can tell for still birth or for those at high risk perinatal death.
As I was admitted to hospital a while before labour was establishing and it proved clear it could not be stopped, I was admitted to the maternity ward. I didn't know any different for Amelia, but was comfortable with it, and was comfortable with it for Sophie. In the end I stayed as an antenatal patient on each occasion less than 24 hours anyway.
Following the birth of both Amelia and Sophie DH and I were allowed as much time as we wanted in the birth suites with our babies. I think we were there for about 3 hours for Amelia and about 5 for Sophie. We were left alone but had regular check ins by the middies.
Postnatally I was given the choice of being in the maternity ward or somewhere else for both. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else but the maternity ward. I didn't want to be any more physically removed from Amelia and where she had been born. I didn't want to go to a ward where I would just be another patient, with nurses I didn't know. I didn't want to go to a place I didn't know. For Amelia, the maternity ward was packed so we went into a smaller room. DH stayed the night on a rollaway bed. There was no charge for him to stay overnight nor for his meals. For Sophie, we were given a room with a double bed and DH stayed the night. Again there was no charge for his staying or his meals. Either antenatally or post natally actually.
It was hard in some ways hearing the new borns cry, but is some ways it gave me hope? Hope that other people were able to hear their baby cry and that maybe one day I would? The only difficulty really was after Sophie was born the couple in the room next to ours fought all night, yelling, wailing and banging doors. It was tough to hear that. And tougher to hear their little baby cry through all of it. We might have stayed an extra day with Sophie as I wasn't really that well, but the fear of having to endure that couple again chased us home, and there were no other rooms spare in the maternity ward. For Amelia we were ready to come home the next day. The hospital had no issues with us staying as long as we needed ( but I suppose we never really pushed them on how long was ok).
We were never expected to be in public with our babies. The hospital policy is that the middies attend to transporting the babies through the ward. There were no special cots, just the same cot that a newborn would get. I know the policy at the Mater in Brissy is that the middies attend to transporting too, after an heartbreaking situation involving some bereaved parents and well wishers.
On all but one occasion we were attended to by middies who were experienced in perinatal loss. We had private rooms both times. The hospital doesn't really have a formal policy on memory boxes. They stocked the SANDS booklets. When we went home after Amelia was born her things were given to us in a plastic bag but the middie also included some roses with it. That didn't happen for Sophie, but I think we had our own memory box, or special bag by then. I am working with the hossy to improve that aspect of their care and I have donated a few memory boxes and other things. It's nicer to leave the hossy with a box, even though it's not the baby you were hoping for, it's nice to have something for your baby, just for your baby.
HB was born at the same hospital, and the treatment we received was no different between a live baby and babies who had died - except that I think every staff member who knew us came to visit and were excited for us. But in terms of the tenderness and care. Even though it's truly the most wonderful blessing, like anything with bereavement, it's a mixed blessing. I couldn't help but remember Amelia and Sophie, and Nicholas, and there is a part of grief that can only come forth once you've been blessed. Even though the middies weren't necessarily all trained in bereavement, most were pretty sensitive.
I am hoping that I get to experience the "normal" experience rather than the bereaved parent experience this time around. But you can be certain I will be far more clera about what I want, mostly because I know from experience what I want. I'll be at the same hossy again, with any luck.
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Questions for late loss parents re: Bereavement room
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