Given A Choice ?

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

As a parent we want whats best for our children, the right food, not too much TV, exercise, time outside, books & craft along with love and laughter right?

Dd1 is 2 and i've recently realised that as much as i'd like to say that i am quite relaxed with her all too often she is not given a choice on how her life is run, i demand that she clean things up, i get angry at times when she is doing something thats going to make more work for me.
I try and get them to sit watching TV so i can run around like a nutter getting things done around the house.

Now i by no means think a 2yr old should get to CHOOSE how her life is run or everything she eats, says & does on a daily basis but it really did get me thinking.

Given The Choice of her own accord what would she do?

So instead of just expecting her to do as i say i'm going to start giving her choices and see how we go, maybe i will learn something, maybe she will.. who knows but it's worth a shot right.

So before i asked her "ava would you like to help mummy with the dishes or watch telly" and her response "i'll do the dishes"

So over the next couple of days, i will see if i can continue with it and maybe, just maybe we wont keep getting so damn frustrated at each other.

What choices do you allow your children to make?

I might offer alternatives for food, activities, asking if she will help me etc etc.

[onthefly]

We pretty much always give DS choices. With practice he's become quite good at coming up with options of his own even - things that give us both what we need, but options I hadnt' thought of.
When he was younger we found limiting choices to 2 was best, but now he can handle 3 or 4 even (depending on how tired/hungry he is)

ETA - actually I think 2 year olds can and should make a lot of decisinos for themselves. It's really important that they start exercising their judgment now and learning abuot making conscious decisions and the consequences of those decisions.
AT that age, DS would decide (given choices) what to wear, eat, do. Also, if we needed him to do something (ie, nappy change) before going somewhere, we explained this to him. It was his choice to do or not do,but if he didn't cooperate we couldn't go out or do whatever it was (consequences).

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Thank you without realising i do allow her to make a lot of choices
DD already chooses what she wears and has done for quite some time, i also allow her to choose which shoes, hairties and hairclips etc

While TTing now we ask her if she'd prefer pull-ups or knickers etc.

Hmm maybe it's just i'm not so conscious of what i'm offering

[Teeki]

I think what you're doing is great ZF - it's teaching her to make the right choices when she's older. I found this worked great when I was babysitting, but I'd limit the two choices to outcomes that I wanted - i.e. "Do you want to brush your teeth and get ready for bed now before your show starts, or in the ad break?" That way he knew bed time was coming, and he did get ready and go to bed on time. Also with food etc, I limited the choices to healthy food - "Do you want a banana or an apple?" Fingers crossed the same works when my little one is older!

[onthefly]

Yeah, the key is to offer choices that you're happy with, but that you hope will also meet your child's needs/wishes. As their language skills improve you can be explicit about this - telling them what you need and finding out what they need and then working out a mutually acceptable compromise. I figure this way they can learn to communicate their needs effectively, while also learning to consider other people's as well. This comes in handy later as well when you encounter "must" situations, like wearing a seatbelt or whatever. When little you can 'manipulate' it a bit by letting then decide how they get into their seat (they climb, you lift, or maybe they can put the straps over thier shoulders or whatever).

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Yeah, the key is to offer choices that you're happy with, but that you hope will also meet your child's needs/wishes. As their language skills improve you can be explicit about this - telling them what you need and finding out what they need and then working out a mutually acceptable compromise. I figure this way they can learn to communicate their needs effectively, while also learning to consider other people's as well. This comes in handy later as well when you encounter "must" situations, like wearing a seatbelt or whatever. When little you can 'manipulate' it a bit by letting then decide how they get into their seat (they climb, you lift, or maybe they can put the straps over thier shoulders or whatever).

Funny you mention it as DD1 is quite verbal and has no issue in letting us know what she wants, it's quite easy offering things to her as she understands exactly what were saying.
We have also just started letting her climb into the seat on her own or asking if she wants some help.

I've just asked if she wants to stay inside or some out and help with the washing, she went to the door, had a look outside and said "it's not raining mum, we can hang the washing, i can help you" awwww

[helle]

Making a mental note of this! Love it!

[~Kim~]

I find it works very well for us too. I've always given options instead of say time-out, as I find that a useless tool.

Unless it's something dangerous or seriously wrong, I use options for pretty much anything. Obviously my DD is a bit older, but we've used it forever, and even though DS' language skills are still up and coming, he has a very good idea of how it all works.

Defiance/being naughty/whatever youu want to call it, is about them pushing your boundaries. Setting out my boundaries for her makes them less difficult to interpret I think and so less likely for her to feel out of control.

I also find that if I say something like "These are the things I need to get done, how can you help me?" or how long do you think it will take us? instead of telling her what she has to do now far more effective. She still has some control, but the task/s is known.

[Lenny]

I've always given options instead of say time-out, as I find that a useless tool.

Can you give me ideas on how you do this Kim? DS1 refused to wash his hands after going to the toilet this morning. I wasn't going to drag him but i was kind of flummoxed. I explained the reasons but he wasn't into reasoning. Time out was all i had! And that's not a great tool here, because he them puts his foot down and won't come back out! So he wins twice.

What could i have said? You either wash your hands now or ...?

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Can you give me ideas on how you do this Kim? DS1 refused to wash his hands after going to the toilet this morning. I wasn't going to drag him but i was kind of flummoxed. I explained the reasons but he wasn't into reasoning. Time out was all i had! And that's not a great tool here, because he them puts his foot down and won't come back out! So he wins twice.

What could i have said? You either wash your hands now or ...?

Could you maybe say you can choose to wash your hands Or would you like to sit in the bathroom?


Sent from my iPhone, more than likely while I should be doing something else!

[~Kim~]

Probably something like we have to wash our hands, everybody has to, but when you're done we can...... or......

However, I'm so not into confrontation, that I keep baby wipes for that very tantrum....

I find that too with time out.

[onthefly]

Let's wash our hands, then we can.... works well with DS sometimes.
OTherwise maybe you can explain how he won't be able to eat anything as his hands are yucky...?
Or maybe ask him if he'd like to press down the soap dispenser/get the towel/something else to be a part of the process?

[Lenny]

Sorry for the hijack ZF.

I guess DS1 was having a moment. He's normally fine with the hand washing and he drags his stool over, squirts the soap - i do the taps though. It just got me rattled this morning - I had nothing. Wash you hands - or...don't. I did NOT want to give him a treat - nor did i want to remove a toy etc. He had me! It was kind of funny in hindsight I should have just attacked him with a baby wipe.

[Heaven]

We do options too, I find it averts a lot of tantrums because she thinks she's in control but really I am

[HotI]

ZF, i reckon you would like 'Children are people too'. I am returning it to the library soon if you want to borrow

[Mum2SweetCs]

Can you give me ideas on how you do this Kim? DS1 refused to wash his hands after going to the toilet this morning. I wasn't going to drag him but i was kind of flummoxed. I explained the reasons but he wasn't into reasoning. Time out was all i had! And that's not a great tool here, because he them puts his foot down and won't come back out! So he wins twice.

What could i have said? You either wash your hands now or ...?

DD has days like these

i usually sing "every body wash them wash them wash them every body wash them just like this", every body shake them shake them ... everybody dry them ....
u know that song? that way she listens lol

[Moi]

I've always given M lots of choices but usually between two things I want her to choose from. I think it does help avert tantrums and gives her some control over her life. Plus I think they do enjoy helping because it gives them a sense of importance and ability and they get to spend time with their mums! Today M asked if she could help me put away the dishes, before I even was planning to do them.

[little_mrs]

Just taking note of all this for when it's my turn, thanks for all the great ideas!