Inner turmoil re justifying your lifestyle.

[*Ang*]

Ok so here goes. Currently DH and I are living a great lifestyle, we have a wonderful relationship, 3 gorgeous healthy children, a supportive family, no financial troubles and are generally "living the dream".

But the people around us aren't. A number of our friends and family members are currently experiencing serious marriage problems - they are all of similar age with young children, married a similar time. One of our best friends is going through a very bitter horrible break up that breaks my heart. DH and mine relationship tho is the opposite, so strong atm.

Others around us are experiencing financial hardship whilst we on the other hand are going from strength to strength and want for nothing.

We help out where we can - financially we have an ongoing large monthly charitable donation, we assist my parents every month by paying a third of their mortgage and we provide other financial assistance where required. We are very generous with our gifts. Emotionally we are always there for our friends and family and we assist in other ways - looking after their children, doing the school run for them to help out and essentially whatever we can.

I am not looking for a pat on the back, this post is not about that. But what I cant get my head around and what upsets me on a daily basis is why is it so good for us and yet so many others are doing it hard. Why can't all things be equal and everyone be happy??I hate this, I hate feeling good about things in my life when I see others collapsing around me. I feel bad when I purchase something/do something etc when I know that one of our best friends is struggling.

At what point do you let go of the guilt and just lead your own life? A life you have worked hard to achieve and which you should be enjoying instead of worrying about what is going on around you?

[KimB]

I just remember that life goes in cycles and sometimes it can be you having the ups and downs and then your friends are there to support you. Don't be guilty of having a trouble free time in your life. Enjoy it while it's here

[C~Q]

Hmm I think tbh that you are currently seeing things as one sided...there is no give without take, crisis without blessing and support without challenge. I think it's great that you care so much about your firiends...but what you see is just your perception of their lives. It could be based upon things that they say but again a lot of things can be biased when taling to friends about situations.

What i'm trying to say is that their lives aren't "worse" than yours...they may be struggling in certain areas but thats only so that they can gain strengths in those areas kwim? They're infact being given a gift.

Thats what I believe anyway I hope this is coming out right...I think you sound like a really great friend, really compassionate and caring x

[Smoke Jaguar]

I think my sister and my parents feel similarly about me and DP! My sister just got back from a massive OS trip and seems embarrassed to talk about it. I've always had less money than her (my choices don't make nearly as much money...you get that with horses and years of uni courses!) and I'm ok with that - I don't worry about what others have or don't have. My mum's always helping us out (she bought this caravan we're living in while DP converts our shed till we can build in a couple of years!). I'm lucky, though, because as much as we're not rolling in money, we are exactly where we want to be (ok, having our strawbale house on the farm NOW would be better ) and it's all part of it for us, and we manage to get what we need, and as Jack Johnson says, everything we need is enough
Meanwhile, all sorts of people end up breaking up - money or no money, it's just at thing.
And ya know what? I'm really happy that you're in such a good place, right where you want to be - only someone looking for misery would begrudge you that!

[sarah85]

I feel a bit that way some days too - I have a few friends going through disastrous relationship break-ups...and my DH and I are so strong...

A bit like the other posts, I try to remember that things come and go, all the time. And I'm trying to enjoy what we have right now and not feel guilty about having it. I don't even know if that makes sense - excuse my preggo brain!

[Mak]

Well done to be able to be happy with where you are at - not sure how many people stop to smell the roses whilst they are blooming! A little off track and perhaps from another angle but I feel part of it is being happy in the choices/decisions you make too.
It can be easy to get caught up in a comparison game and forget what your own personal aims ITMS. So some people place different importance on different things and can be happy in situations that others aren't.

[Smoke Jaguar]

So some people place different importance on different things and can be happy in situations that others aren't.

Definitely! I can't imagine too many people being happy living on 160acres near a country town, even if we WERE in a house - and *gasp* some people hate cattle and horses...so the best we can hope for is that our friends find what they value and live accordingly. I get frustrated with friends who just won't spend the time figuring out what they value and then just pointing themselves in the right direction to get to where they want - they just get caught up in the chatter of other people's values and the 'should-ing' instead of being true to themselves.
I've got a good friend who just told me she's kicked her DH out - and I couldn't be happier for her, because it's long overdue! For her, that's her aligning herself with her values. Sad from some people's perspectives, but just what her life needs, IYKWIM.

[*Ang*]

've got a good friend who just told me she's kicked her DH out - and I couldn't be happier for her, because it's long overdue! For her, that's her aligning herself with her values. Sad from some people's perspectives, but just what her life needs, IYKWIM.

Oh I definitely get what you mean, I suppose I am more looking at it from the perspective of the people that are really struggling whether that be emotionally or financially and they don't appear to be "happy" with much.

Take my gf, this morning at coffee, she was nearly in tears telling me a) about her pr@#k of a DH who has left her and 4 kids and b) she is struggling to feed them cause she was a SAHM with no income and her DH has cut all access to monies. Thats when I get all sad and feel bad/guilty discussing how happy DH and I are and how I just bought a Kitchen Aid mixer which I love!

What i'm trying to say is that their lives aren't "worse" than yours...they may be struggling in certain areas but thats only so that they can gain strengths in those areas kwim? They're infact being given a gift.

I suppose I am having trouble seeing where "the gift" is for them atm, when everything just seems so bad.

And yes I am very lucky that we are so happy, and I count my blessings every day in relation to that.

[C~Q]

I suppose I am having trouble seeing where "the gift" is for them atm, when everything just seems so bad.

.

Totally, it's one of the hardest things to do in the world. But I gave up trying to work out why 1.people do the things they do and 2. the things that happen, happen. It's a big waste of time because you'll never know! Sometimes with hindsight you can look back but not always. I look back on when we first moved here...so broke we ate mutton pasta every night. I once found $2 and snuck into Maccas to have a cheeseburger terrified that (X)DH would see me because we needed the $2 :O Seriously...it taught me to appreciate what I have now I tell yopu! I could go on...but you get the point x

[Smoke Jaguar]

The 'gift' is for them to find - it's not your job, it's your job to be there for them

[widdly]

Ang, I totally felt like you about 6 years ago. I was married to my bestie, TTC, and loving my perfect life while my friends seemed to be having all sorts of dramas. Well fast forward, I had secondary infertility, my marriage collapsed, my husband shacked up with my friend and I was feeling that my life was in ruins, meanwhile my friends were happily getting married and having babies. What goes around comes around. Enjoy what you have now, sounds like you are very blessed x