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Do you use the word 'naughty'??
I think I must have read an artice or something a long time ago about using the word 'naughty' with kids. Saying something about how you shouldn't say 'naughty girl' etc because then the child forms the opinion that they are naughty rather than what they did was naughty itms. Anyway, so DH and I decided we wouldn't use the word 'naughty' with DD. I never have called her naughty.
Just wondering if other people do the same? And what do you say instead? Sometimes I have trouble thinking of what to say but usually just explain 'we can't do that because...'
And what do you do about other people? Like when grandparents are around? My grandmother often uses it. She will say 'don't do that, that's naughty' a lot but I don't see her much coz she lives far away so I have let it slide for now. But I think I will have to say something next time because DD is getting older. Don't want to offend her though.
Do you use the word 'naughty'?
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DP feels really strongly about not labelling children as naughty because of his own experiences. So I tell DD sometimes that what she did was naughty, but never that she was naughty herself. We try to focus on the behaviour. TBH I've rarely used the word itself, because it's often easier/better to specify what was wrong with the behaviour (ie that was disrespectful, that was dangerous, wasn't very nice, etc).
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thinking about it, i don't think i do. and it hasn't really been a conscious thing on my part but i'm also pretty sure my mum never used it for the reason you mentioned, so maybe that's had a sub-conscious effect on me?
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I have said to Moo a few times that he's being very naughty, but I don't feel good about it. So I've been saying that what he's doing is not making Mummy very happy. Then I follow it up with what I would like to see ITMS. So if he's throwing his blocks around I'll say "Moo it makes Mummy sad when you throw your toys, I'm worried you're going to hit the cats. How about you help Mummy pack them up so we can do a puzzle instead?" He's only just turned 2 so this works at the moment.
I haven't had to deal with anyone else calling him something I'm not comfortable with and probably won't as we're not near any family. But if it did happen I would deal with him as I normally would, then explain to the person that that's what Moo responds to.
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No. I agree with the labelling thing. I don't label my children as naughty or bad. They are not naughty or bad, it's the behaviour which is undesirable so I name the behaviour. Though I do tell them that they hurt someone (if that's what they've done) Eg, 'Hitting L hurts. Hitting is not nice. You hurt L when you hit him.'
Being a childcare worker, I have been taught to not use labelling words like that though. Although I have found being a full time SAHM for so long (coming up to 2yrs now!!) I am losing my diplomacy!
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I do call my Ds naughty, never really thought much about it. I can understand where your coming from but in saying that I call a shovel a shovel and if his behaviour is innapropriate or naughty I will tell him I think so. Usually when I say stop that its naughty or stop being naughty he knows he better stop otherwise theere will be consiquences. Dont remember if I was called naughty as a child but I was definatly smacked and prefer to use naughty rather than that. Guess were all different and use whatever works.
Interested in hearing more about it tho, if it is damaging to the child i had seriously never thought about it.
BellyBelly Life Subscriber
you know, I didn't want to... but I have ended up using naughty and bad. Not him, but what he's done. It's probably a fine distinction, though. I struggle to find adequate language to explain why handing me a piece of paper with poo on it (for example) is not a good thing to do....
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I only use it very rarely to label behaviour because I think that usually a more specific label is more appropriate. If they are shouting in a restaurant that is inconsiderate or if one of them snatches from the other that is rude and so on. Handing over poo paper is unsanitary
IMO naughty is too vague and too subjective and it doesn't adequately explain what is wrong with the behaviour.
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I tell DD that her actions are naughty.
I once told her that she was naughty, and it left a foul feeling in my heart as I said it in anger and even knew at the time that it was cruel of me to say it.
And TBH i do think that they can get the distinction. i see it that we are showing them to our best ability some socially acceptable behaviours. So, when DD1 draws all over the couch with pens i will tell her that it was really naughty to draw on the couch because she knows that she is only allowed to draw on paper.
(and then i run from the room hyperventilating because it is my *BRAND* new king furniture couch)
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Heaven your timing is impeccable. This is something that I am really starting to struggle with...I have used the word naughty and I don't like it, so I have been thinking about stopping. I don't want her calling herself a naughty girl and as she repeats everything I say, if I continue its bound to happen.
Onyx, I like your thinking - describe the behaviour adequately. What about physical agression - DD is getting really physical with DS, she'll grab his collar and pull or give him a shove or something... what would I call that, more specific than naughty??
BellyBelly Life Subscriber
you know what we use a lot? unhelpful. helpful is good, and gets a good response. unhelpful is not. it kind of works. except when DS doesn't want to be helpful.
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Just remembered my DS when I say dont do that thats naughty he says i'm not naughty mum, im Lucas so he may not quite uderstand it yet lol rofl
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I think that as much as it is a fine distinction between calling a behaviour naughty and calling a child naughty, it's an extremely important one as most of us seem to agree - naming the behaviour and explaining WHY it is naughty or bad is really important as it helps them understand boundaries. But I don't think I've ever called DD a naughty girl or bad child etc.
I used to get called a bad seed, or a lazy brat or any number of things as a kid, and I remember thinking well why do I bother? If nothing I do is good enough and I'm so naughty I may as well do whatever I please...not really a good attitude.
Growing up with a father who among other more serious things would see a test score or assignment from school with a 95% grade and would respond with "good mark, but room for improvement" or something of the sort, it took me a long time to rewrite those internal messages that my best wasn't good enough, therefore I wasn't good enough. I don't want that for my kids.
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LOL, not nice.
Tell her it's too rough. Being rough can hurt. Being rough is not appropriate. Try to find out why she's rough and give her words to say instead of being rough. Sometimes kids are rough like that because they don't have words to describe their feelings or what they want. Show her gentle. Show her loving. She her appropriate behaviour.
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This is something I have just started thinking about recently. It's only been recently that DS has started doing things that could be considered 'naughty', and only recently I've discovered how much I dislike the word. I don't use the word, and after talking to DH about how I feel about it, he doesn't either. I have heard my mum say it once or twice to DS, so I need to have a chat with her too.
I think it's my sociology study kicking in - labeling theory. If you tell a kid they're 'naughty' often enough they'll believe that's just the way they are - that they're bad/no good. My younger brother is an example of this - grew up being told by (mainly teachers and other kids) that he was naughty/bad. He's not - he has a good heart, but even now in his early twenties he continues to make not great decisions and has a low opinion of himself.
I think talking about the action is important, but the word naughty/bad doesn't need to be used.
I wish I could explain myself better, but my brain is pretty foggy today.
No I don't use the word naughty to describe my children. I tend to talk to my children in a positive way, even if they have been misbehaving.
If they have been naughty, I will talk to them and ask them why they are acting in such a way, and talk to them why we don't do certain things, how certain things make people feel, I'll ask them how they would feel if someone did the same things go them (if situation is appropriate, such as hitting, biting, name calling etc). I find they can take something positive from me while I am still guiding and disciplining them.
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That's great, thank you. Do you think at 2.5 she can understand "why"? If I ask her why she's doing that? I do say gentle, a lot. I show her gentle cuddles and then she just keeps going and squishes him.
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I think you explained it perfectly Sterla, exactly how I feel! It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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