The effects of divorce/separation on the developing mind.

[SomeGuy]

Hi all, I'm a 30yo single dad of a 5 year old boy, I have my son 6 nights a week and have been separated from his mother for nearly 18 months.

I'm curious as to whether any single parents out there have experience with young children expressing feelings about their separation, and how they have dealt with it.

My partner of 11 years walked out on us very abruptly (it was about 10 days between her telling me it was over and her moving out) to start a relationship with another (and I really struggle to call him this) man.

During disagreements my son often comes out with lines such as 'You don't want me anymore', 'You're going to move out, aren't you?', 'you hate me', 'you want me to leave.', 'I guess I'll pack my things and find a new home.' etc and it really breaks my heart that he has these ideas in his head at such a young age.

I've voiced my concerns with his mum, who brushes them off as him being a sook and being manipulative, and insists there's no correlation between these comments and our split, but I really think she is underestimating his intelligence and the impact this whole thing has had on him.

I've tried to talk to him about the way he feels, but he shuts down and ignores me anytime the topic comes up. Occasionally he'll ask me 'Why can't mum come home?' and I really don't know how to answer it except to say 'she just can't.'

Any advice from people who have had similar experiences would be greatly appreciated. Its not something that I'm overly concerned about, as he is generally a very happy kid, enjoys kinder and socialising with his friends etc. but its obviously common enough that I've taken note of it.

thank you!

[LaDolceVita]

Hi! Welcome to BB! Your poor little guy, he must be so confused right now, great step you've taken in reaching out to find a way to help him out! I honestly don't have any experience with a situation like this but thought maybe he could benefit by chatting with a 'special friend' like a counsellor or the like? Just to get him talking it all out, we all need a bit of a debrief from life no matter how old we are I suppose? Other than that I think you're doing s great job by continuing to support him and assure him that you love him and most definitely aren't going to leave him etc.. I wish I could help more and I hope someone comes in soon that has more experience and better advice than me! There are a few single parents on BB who I'm sure can relate with the situation..

Best wishes to you and your little man!

[Fleur]

Such a tough thing, to be dealing with this not just for yourself but for your little guy as well.

I think it's a fairly common reaction, his world has been upended and it will take a while for him to adjust & feel secure again. Give him constancy, in your words & your actions. Be consistent, do what you say you will, be where you say you will, when you say you will. Tell him the same things over & over, when he says are you going to leave me - 'no, I'm always going to be here' ; 'I guess I'll pack my things and find a new home' - 'well I'd be very sad if you did that because I love you and I love living with you' - I'm sure you already are saying this sort of thing - over and over again. It's what he needs to hear right now.

I second the idea of speaking to a counsellor, if not him, then for you yourself, they might have some good ideas on how to help.

Best of luck.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

well done to you for reaching out to help your son

I have not been a parent in a separation but i was the child, i was 4 when my parents separated and we went to live with my mum, there is so much happening at that age thats it's understandable he feels uneasy and is questioning things.

Firstly all i can do is suggest you reassure him as much as you can, you can never say I LOVE YOU enough, talk about plans for the two of you in the future (x-mas, easter etc) to let him know your planning ahead.
IF it's possible can you get your Ex to come and have a chat together, explain that mummy and daddy are still friends (even if it's not true) and that they just don't love each other anymore but you both love him, that will never change.

Seeing someone professionally could help the both of you, give you a way of learning to cope with his needs and giving him a way to get his emotions out.
When i was younger i wrote a letter saying i wish my mum and dad were back together, by that stage they were both re-married and we were all happy i didn't actually wish they were back together it was just me seeing things as the 'should be' but my mum explained to me these things happen, we all deserve to be happy and that she is happy with my stepdad and us and my dad is happy with my stepmum... somewhere along the line it all works out in the end.

Goodluck with it all.

[Abigail]

Firstly keep doing what you've been doing. Keep talking to him. Reassure him but dont lie to him, he already feels betrayed right now, you dont want to add him discovering you have lied to him to the mix (not saying you have), tell him an age appropriate truth. Also dont put down his mum or her new partner - I know it sucks big time, but you kind just have to take one for the team. If he mentions them, let him talk (again it sucks but let him). Reassure him when he asks if mummy can come home, "Mummy doesnt live here anymore, but Mummy loves you very much and Daddy loves you very much" or something similar. Reassure him that he is still loved.

Two books that might really help him get the concepts and allow him to raise questions on his own accord in a safe way:
- Two Homes by Claire Masurel
- The Family Book by Todd Parr

[Cranky Kitten]

Such a hard position to be in - my daughter was 2 when I split with my ex and moved out, we decided that she was best staying with him as he could offer more stability. In the early days, it sucks bigtime. I second the previous advice about remaining consistent, keep reassuring him no matter how many times he tries to refute what you're saying and keep any commitments you make to him. He may be quite insecure for a fair while yet, even years later my daughter would still ask why her Dad and I broke up and if that meant I could fall out of love with her too.

One other suggestion for you - make sure you get support for yourself as well. Places like Relationships Australia have a lot of resources available to give you tips and ideas on how to reassure your son, how to make him feel secure etc. Have a few good mates that you can have a good b**ch about the ex and to out of earshot of the small one, blow off some steam so you're less likely to want to badmouth her to him but also just so you have a chance for some downtime as well.

It does eventually get easier. But it takes time. All the best

[SomeGuy]

Thank you all so much for the positive words of encouragement. It was not a messy break up, we had just lived in a loveless relationship for a long time, and in hindsight I was as happy for it to end as she was.

Things got a little bit messy when the ulterior motives of her moving out came to light, and to be honest theres a couple of weeks there I don't have much recollection of. He knew something was going on, luckily some very good friends stepped up to the plate and dropped everything to stay with us and make sure we were alright. As far as I'm aware all he knows about that period is that dad was sick.

We get along ok now, but I'll always have the memory of her almost sociopathic behaviour in my mind. She was adament she'd done nothing wrong and was telling me I was being ridiculous and needed to get over it, while I'm here saying 'Dude! we have lived together since we were 18, this relationship is all either of us have know our entire adult lives, does that mean nothing to you?' to which she'd reply 'No, I'm over it.' That sort of thing really didn't help my mental state at that point.

Anyway, sorry for the vent, back to the topic at hand.

The things you have all mentioned, consistency, reassurance etc. are all things that I'm very strict with, and I never, ever lie to him.

Abigail- Thank you for those book recommendations, I will be tracking them both down. Counselling for the both of us is something I've also been considering.

As I said, its not something I'm 'worried' about, but I think when you are dealing with your own emotional reactions to a breakup it's easy to forget that there's little people who also have feelings, and are probably very confused about them at that age.

thanks again!

[SomeGuy]

Thanks CK. It's funny, I actually woke up yesterday morning feeling quite depressed and overwhelmed, and started googling around for support groups and ended up here. Reading some of the other threads and seeing the support you all give one another was enough to snap me out of my mood. I really can't say enough good things about this site. Such a valuable resource, good job to all involved.

I have a wonderful group of friends, many of whom have children themselves, sometimes I feel like I've put them through enough over the last 12 months and don't want to become a burden on them. (They'd tell me to stop being ridiculous of course).

Thanks again, I will be back, there are a few other topics I'd like to discuss in future.

[Glamourcide]

I'm sorry I don't have any personal experience or advice to share with you, but we have lots of very wise single parents here on BB that are sure to be able to help you out Just wanted to say welcome to BB, although I'm sorry for the circumstances - I hope you stick around and enjoy your time here. Hang in there, sounds like your little guy has a wonderful dad on his side, I hope you both get through this okay.

[[M]umma[M]ia]

Hey

I dont have any advice but just wanted to say, I think you are doing a wonderful job in raising your son. You sound like a very mature and reponsible man. well done

[Nai]

My parents split up when I was 2 but I do recall saying and doing similar things to your son when I was his age. I also recall running away from home to go and live with my dad a few times when I was 7 or 8 (it didn't work out very well) when my mum got into a new relationship. Needless to say it didn't work out very well and I returned home pretty quickly. I think what he is going through is pretty normal for kids in his situation and you seem to be doing all the right things.

[Fleur]

Also dont put down his mum or her new partner - I know it sucks big time, but you kind just have to take one for the team.

Yeah, that too. My parents separated when I was about 2-ish and I listened to a lot of rubbish. Didn't help me one little bit (even as an adult, I still feel awkward when one parent talks about another). And with my ex, for my eldest daughter's sake, I had to bite my tongue a number of times but it paid off in the end.
Of course I'm not saying you are , or have been, but there might be times when biting your tongue is the hardest thing you've ever done.

And welcome to BB

[Miss E]

First of all, I just wanted to say how wonderful it is to see such a committed dad. By the sounds of things you're doing a wonderful job, you little boy is very lucky to have you.

I'm not really an expert in this area, although my parents did seperate when I was four... I'm just wondering if perhaps your little boy might feel that mummy left him, rather than you IYKWIM? From the little I know, children can often feel like they're the cause of a seperation and blame themselves.

Maybe, when he asks why mummy can't come home, perhaps it could be worth explaining that mummy and daddy can't live together anymore and that it has nothing to do with him. I imagine it would really sting, but maybe he needs to hear from you that Mummy and Daddy don't love each other anymore and that is why they can't live together, but that you both still love him.