DH and I have been having marriage issues for about a year. We have tried counselling, but it's not really helping. I feel that he's not really trying. He wants me to change (he's not willing to look at himself because he "can't" change - it is all up to me), and since I can't, then it's my fault that he wants to go. He deliberately starts fights in front of DD so that I am not able to respond. He has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety in the past, but is not willing to get treatment. He has isolated me from all my family and friends. I feel like I have no IRL friends left at all, and my family have just about given up on me as a write-off, so I have no support there.
I guess what I'm asking is: how much longer can I keep trying? If I do what he wants anymore (i.e. not going out, not seeing friends, etc), then I will start to resent and hate myself. I feel that a marriage should be a compromise, but it seems that I have to do all the compromising. I don't want DD to grow up thinking that this is okay. But I don't want her to grow up without a dad either, as DH threatens that if he leaves it's for good and we will never see him again. (Part of me wants him to as at least he won't be putting me down all the time and telling me what an awful person I am...)
On the other hand, I still desperately love him. He is a great dad to DD. I am hoping that his paranoia and abuse are simply symptoms of his depression and anxiety, but if he is not willing to get treatment, then what can I do?
I wish I could give you advice but I cant, your situation is similar to mine and I just keep going. We have seen 3 different counsellors now...... Some were better than others, could you maybe try another counsellor?? We have also been to group counselling and that is better because you have to work together (not as a group) but they set activities for you to do together.
My rule of thumb is about progress. If there's some progress, no matter how slow then that is a sign of hope and motivation to keep trying. If there's no progress then really there's little cause for hope. I must say that the things he's asking you to do such as not going out and/or seeing friends seem very unreasonable on face value.
DP and I have issues too but we make progress, hence we're still together. Sometimes our problems seem insurmountable and sometimes one of us loses hope but luckily never at the same time.
It's really hard Starfish. I do think though that sometimes people have to confront the reality of losing what they have before they actually put the work in to the relationship. Maybe he needs that wake-up call.
Just want to send some hugs it is a hard situation, I know for my sister recently she has tried marriage counselling for years with her husband and there has not been change, she recently decided to seperate for a while, it is not easy for her as she loves him and they have three children together, I know she is having a tough time emotinally to but I think that she has realised that after trying almost everything this may be the only way he will see that change needs to happen on both parts not just one partner to blame and also maybe help him see he needs help with other issues that are affecting him personally but affect the way he acts towards her... Good luck and I hope that you can figure out what you feel you need to do soon... deciding is always the hardest part, but it does sound to me like you need to begin to think of yourself first and put yourself first for a while for yourself and your DD as staying with someone who isolates you from friends and puts you down is not going to be very good with for your own emotional well being. Take Care.
Thanks for your replies.
I have decided to take things one day at a time. It's really hard though, as DH knows exactly what to say to upset me and I am finding it really hard not to let it get to me, as he is being really emotionally cruel. His latest thing to say is that one day soon he is going to leave me, and DD and I will never see him again, and "you can tell her whatever you want, I don't care". He can say and do what he likes to me, but why punish a little girl for something that is not her fault and she has no control over?
Hi Starfish, I'm sorry you are going through this.
I am about to leave my partner of 13 years, next week in fact.
I can not live like this anymore.
I feel like I have woken up and the last thing I want to do is go back to sleep again, I am very good at pretending all is ok. It is not.
I have known deep down that "we" have been over for a long time. I have only just given myself permission to accept it.
I am sick of being so unhappy.
Good luck with your decision.
aww z - huni the stuff he is saying is to be honest emotional abuse. he is isolating you from people. i have no advice just a ear to listen either here or on fb.
danni and bec - huge hugs ladies...i can only offer love and support. we are all here for you all.
much love rach xxx
Oh Starfish, I'm sorry he's being such a pr!ck.
Is it feasible for you to make the move? It's not fair of him to hold you to ransom and own all this power, can you at least tell him to just get on with it? It can't be worse than what you're dealing with, can it? It doesn't sound like he's doing you any favors by sticking around.
But that said, I don't know how you're set up financially or support wise.
I really hope you're ok. Please don't let him into your head, you are better than this and you (and dd) deserve so much more.
Big hugs x
When the bad outweigh the good then imo there is no reason to stay.
If I were in your situation I'd leave. He won't change if he doesn't want to, and it sounds like his expectations of you changing are unreasonable and abusive. If you leave, he may see what he is missing and that might give him the kick he needs to see his faults and WANT to change.
To me it sounds like he is using threats of never seeing you and your children again as a way to stop you from going, don't let that stop you. If he chooses not to see his children if you leave then that's his prerogative and he is the person missing out.
It is a hard decision to make, if you have exhausted all options, maybe this is the next step. Good luck to you.
He really needs to get medical help but if he's not willing to change your life will remain as it is now. He will continue to abuse you and you will remain unhappy, as hard as it is sometimes decisions have to be made .
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How can you tell if it's over?
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