Helping others - is it not "the norm" any more??

[briggsy's girl]

The other night, DH and I were told we were amazing people because we do something most other people don't - we see someone that needs help, we help. we've done some gardening for a couple of friends in the last couple of months. DH likes to work in the garden (i dont mind it either), the work needed to be done - so we offered. there has been "thanks", in terms of massage (for one friend) and beer/petrol money (other friend was on the outskirts of Melbourne, so two hour trip - the RE told her the work we did on her garden was what helped it sell at auction)

then we helped another friend move. both her and her mum said it's just not normal for people to help any more. more than once. the friend was here on friday night (2 months after we helped her move) - in tears because she is still overwhelmed by it.

she moved something like 3km - she didn't have much to move - we put the trailer on our ute, and just got to it. i didn't see it as a big deal - but she obviously did!

so it's got me seriously thinking - do people not offer to help "just because" any more? i remember Dad and his trailer moving so many people when i was younger - so i guess i just see it as normal (and DH is much the same)

please tell me i'm wrong - please tell me that people offer to help the people they care about just because it's needed - not because it's expected!!

[wysiwyg]

I think people do just help. I have helped move people and others have helped move us, given us stuff etc. I don't think there is any associated expectations, often helping involves hanging out with friends while doing it - so is good fun.

[Rouge]

We help people all the time. And we are lucky enough to be surrounded by people who are the same. I think those that aren't like that soon find that no one is there to help them when they need it.

[Manhattan]

You're wrong! In my circle of friends and family anyway. If something needs to be done, everyone bands together and it just gets done. I'm also a big believer in what goes around comes around, and so far in life it's proved true for me.

[Miss.September]

I think it depends on who you ask to help. We try to help others when we can, but when we've actually called on help from specific people, they always have something else to do (which translates to playing PS3 - the particular person was whinging about it on FB). But the same people have no hesitation in calling on help from others.

We have family members that live over an hour away that will help us at any given time or day, and vice versa. They too help wherever they can, but have mentioned that when they need a hand, the offers are few and far between.

[*Danni*]

Yeah I definitely don't think it's like it was in the old days. things have changed. We never got offered any help moving except from family and we have moved like 3 times in the last 3 years. And yeah I just find that for the most part people tend to keep to themselves. I would much prefer it another way and sometimes wish I lived in a suburb like on desperate housewives where everyone knows each other and all that lol but in my experience it just isn't like that... However we do offer help and to watch people's houses when they go away etc and are generally the ones people go to for things like that because we are trusted I suppose but it doesn't go much further than that in the way of getting help or being asked for it. Hmm.


Sent from my iPhone more than likely while I should be doing something else!

[feeb]

We help friends and have friends help us with things. From moving furniture, assembling furniture, painting fence, tip runs to clear junk etc etc but I must say its always same group of us that help each other.

[briggsy's girl]

i'm glad i'm wrong - well - to a degree anyway

i know there are people (my brother for example) that will ask for help, crack the poos if he doesn't get it, but won't help anyone else. we have done heaps to help them out, and when we asked for help for one of the days we were moving (a couple of weeks in advance) he said he had a friends childs birthday one of the days that weekend, so wouldn't be able to help at all for the weekend (which basically means the kids party would become and adults party and he'd be hung over). i got the impression that my friends brother is much the same.

and it really does have me thinking about it. DH and I rarely get offers of help. we got help for about half a day when we moved - and it took us two days working our backsides off to move. no one else stepped up. but we're people that DO offer to help all the time. so it really made me wonder if we're just an oddity in helping people

or maybe we just have (primarily) selfish friends around here!!

the friend we helped last week - she has son's in their 20's who wouldn't help. they think we did a fantastic job cleaning up the yard for their mum (one still lives at home!) - but neither of them would help her maintain the yard so that she could sell her house


i was trying to explain to one of the friends today - we don't do it so that we can call in favours or anything like that - we do it because we actually LIKE helping people. i'm someone that has to fight damn hard to keep depression at bay without medication - and helping someone, and seeing that it really has helped - it gives me a bit of a lift and helps that battle a little.

as i said, i'm glad my ponderings are wrong

roll on next week when we move some more stuff for someone - and then help with catering for her party (she is paying for everything - we're just baking!)

[Sopdet]

In a heartbeat I'd help my friends

Sometimes I feel useless because I can't help (because of restrictive distance) but if there is anything within my power that I can do to help, then I help.

[AnyDream]

I think partly the not-helping is because we have evolved into a self-service culture. I think a lot of people don't help because a lot of other people don't have high enough levels of social cohesion to even feel like they can ASK for it.

[Cranky Kitten]

We have something of a "friend economy" going with most of our good mates, which covers anything from moving house to watching each other's kids or lending/giving things that we don't need but someone else can use. But it's not as though we really expect it to come back, it just does. To us it's a part of friendship.

[*Danni*]

I think partly the not-helping is because we have evolved into a self-service culture. I think a lot of people don't help because a lot of other people don't have high enough levels of social cohesion to even feel like they can ASK for it.

Spot on. Totally agree here.


Sent from my iPhone more than likely while I should be doing something else!

[nickle730]

My DH is the most generous, helpful man I know. He would drop what he was doing to go and help a friend move with a moment's notice. Over the years he has spent a lot of time assisting his family (parents and brother) with various jobs; moving house, gardening, retiling a bathroom, building fences... We moved house last Thursday and none of his family offered to help. Or to look after any of our kids. He invited his parents to come and see our new house (of which he is very proud) over the weekend but they were 'too busy' and 'might' be able to come over one night this week. When it suits them. I have seen this behaviour time and again over the 16 years we have been together. I think DH now understands why I resent the full days he spends helping his family whilst we miss out on time as a family and I look after three kids on my own. I have no desire to help DH's family at all and I now ask DH not to spend our family time doing random jobs for people who will never return the favour and simply use his for their own ends. My eldest child is 8. DH's parent have looked after my children ONCE, and that was like asking them to donate a kidney. His brother and SIL have never looked after our children.

The last couple of weeks have been quite telling in regard to our friends. We have had numerous offers of help and I think most of them have been genuine. My DH spent today building a dog run with the help of a mate whilst I was at work. His mate was very happy to come and help (he offered) and he brought fresh bread and sausages with him to feed everyone. He worked his butt off and we are very appreciative of his time and effort.

One particular friend of mine has not offered any assistance during our move. She was a single mum for years and expected us to look after her son at a moment's notice. My husband has spent hours and hours doing odd jobs for her over the years. She is constantly borrowing things from us, whether it's the trailer or cardboard boxes.

So, DH's instinct is always to help. I like to help people, but the truth is that I expect a favour to be reciprocated in our own time of need. If the favour is not offered in return... I won't be helping again!!

[Aries]

I do alot for my family and friends.. I always have. I have been walked over for it - but didnt see it at the time. I am always being told that my friends had better be there to cook me meals to freeze for when I have a new baby or run small errands when I am just too busy etc but you know what? I too actually like helping others. I dont do it for anything in return. When we lost our little boy we received the most fabulous support from everyone. I have absolutely no way of repaying this - words or actions arent enough. So if I can help out in anyway then I will because what goes around comes around.
I also think that it doesnt happen that much these days and it can be really hard for someone to accept the help or generosity.

[surprised]

I have some friends and family who would help in the middle of the night if we needed it, and we'd do the same for them. But I kind of know now the people who aren't that great at returning the favour, so I limit what I'm willing to do for them. Boundaries I guess.

I think people are so much busier than they used to be and that can make it difficult to find helpers - even if they are willing, sometimes they just aren't available.

[black_rose]

We help out a lot, moving, working bee in the garden or more often fixing computers. But the sad thing is we have noticed that with some people trying to get help in return can be more difficult, it's made dh stop bending over backwards to fix computers in a hurry for friends, now it's done by his staff if they have downtime rather than dh spending hours doing it in his own time. But we will always help people if we can, dh always helps out people out if they are in trouble knowing that one day it could be us needing help.

[peanutter]

I think that's really sad for those people ...

We give and receive plenty of help, in really diverse ways ... everything from helping mates move to hemming pants and being a birth partner!

Sometimes it's without needing to be asked, other times there's a need raised and met.

And it definately goes both ways most of the time - but we have a couple of friends who just genuinely aren't in a position to reciprocate (they have 5 kids under 4, including triplets...) but they still get loads of help from most of us, because it's not a tit-for-tat economy with our mates.

It's great that so many of us here have a different reality, where people are helpful

[Astrid]

Really is one of those depends things. We find people more helpful down here, compared to Melbourne. Could be a regional thing, or just the people we were hanging out with in Melbourne.

I know for us, we don't tend to ask for help that often, but we are getting better at it. We probably don't help out as much at the moment, but that is more due to the stage of life where we are at. I can see though in the future at the children get older and we are more established, that we will be in a position to help others out in return. We are the type of people though that will always pay for a removalist, we just prefer it that way