Self settling - What's the big deal?

[onthefly]

So, I've gathered that this is terribly important, but I'm not entirely clear why.
I accepted with DS that it was part of my job as mother to help him learn to settle on his own and that I was doing something wrong if he didn't.
Well, to be honest I've since decided that is crap and everyone just gets to this stage of their development when they're ready and no harm done if we spend the first however-many-years helping our kids to sleep.
But I'm still curious why this is held up as being so crucial... Anyone know?

[helle]

After spending 19-20 odd months of getting up 4+ times a night for sometimes up to an hour and being 21 weeks pregnant myself... Something had to give

It's probably not crucial but I do know my ds is no worse off for it. Infact he wakes up happier now as he's also had a decent, unbroken sleep and so do I.

[PumpkinZulu]

I dunno MadB The number of times I've been told I'm making a rod in my back by feeding/rocking/cuddling DD to sleep!! It's like, people, I'm pretty sure only *I* can decide what will or will not inconvenience me. If I'm happy to do it then clearly I'm not. And to me, spending 10 minutes feeding DD to sleep peacefully and happily certainly trumps hours upon hours of stressful (for both of us) 'settling'. I think parents have way too much pressure to be able to say, "oh, my son self settles and sleeps through the night!" Who cares? It really shouldn't matter, it certainly doesn't to me. Sure, I feel better after a 10 hour sleep, but I'm not going to put unnecessary pressure on myself or DD to 'make' it happen. My DD slept through the night and has eveb settled herself once or twice. I was told over and over that it's all good and well having this attitude when my baby sleeps. Well! Since DD got her brace, she wakes screaming all through the night, every couple of hours so far. Yeah, I'm pretty exhausted...but it won't be like this forever. If anything it makes me feel even more strongly that feeding/rocking to sleep is right for our family; it's easy, peaceful, and most importantly, stress-free.

[helle]

I wouldn't teach a child under 18-20 months to self settle. They just don't get what youre doing to them before then.

[forshelby]

I tried to 'teach' DS as lovingly and gently as I could to self settle. It never worked. I was desperately tired after 6 months of sleep deprivation. In the end, he's come to a point in his development where he's just ready. That's all it took. For him to be ready. He doesn't soothe himself every time, or even go to sleep by himself. But a quick feed, cuddle, rock and he'll happily fall asleep after a minute if bum-patting in his bed. I can live with this! I didn't always feel so la di dah about helping him sleep when things were tough, but looking back, I did what I had to do. Older family members are frequently telling me not to spoil him. As if I could. I'm just meeting his needs. As he grows, he'll need me less. But for now, I think I've got a sweet deal.

[Liz]

Don't you know that babies aren't supposed to interfere with the rest of our lives? hehe.

We do whatever works at the time. I've fed to sleep, rocked to sleep, sat for an hour on the bed with them... Both my older ones transitioned naturally to different stages and are now really good at going to bed. No insecurities or issues with bed or sleep.

DD1 actually self settled for the first 7 months or so... then the good ol' 8 month sleep regression hit and we ended up rocking her sleep for a while, then moved on to sitting with her in bed.

DD2 currently self settles (with a dummy... which I replace a few times.. and cos she's next to me at night I can do that! haha) but I'm not holding my breath that this will continue.

For some reason tho, sleep is the big indicator of whether you're doing things right or whether your baby is good or not. It's ridiculous isn't it. I would no more 'train' my baby to sleep than I would train her to change her own nappy or get her own food. Helping them to sleep (and sleeping with them) is all part of being a mum. And to be honest, I'd never trade all those snuggles getting them off to sleep. Yes it was frustrating at times.. but now they don't need me at night so much So enjoy those little rods on your backs I say

[helle]

Don't you know that babies aren't supposed to interfere with the rest of our lives? hehe.

We do whatever works at the time.

I think it's kinda hard to say what's a "right" or "wrong" way to get a kid off to sleep, myself. We don't know each child's or families individual situation. Parents and children need sleep. Sleep is healthy. Being a walking zombie isn't. If self settling works, and enables parents and children to get more rest then why not? Same as if rocking your child to sleep works... I don't see how either matters. If you wanna do it, do it. If you don't, don't.

Kinda hitting a nerve here like the FF and BF debates, sorry ladies... But who cares how you do it, just so long as its done!

[Liz]

Yep I agree. Sleep is important for everyone and some ppl can function on broken sleep and others can't.

Isn't that the point of this thread tho? What's the big deal with self settling? Why is it up there as one of the main things a baby 'should' be doing? Especially when the training required causes a lot of stress and broken sleep in itself when bub hasn't read the fact sheets. We should all just be assessing our own situations and doing what works at the time so everyone gets some sleep. There's no rod created when you meet the babies needs.

We've had dreadful periods of 'bad sleep' and not settling, but I've still not considered 'training' them.. I've only ever thought aaaargh somebody help me get thru this.. And chanted 'this too shall pass' over and over lol.

[Cranky Kitten]

To be honest I never quite figured it out either and I was blessed with DD who was reasonably easy to get to sleep most of the time. If you're both happy and getting enough sleep, who cares if you rock/feed/pat/whatever to sleep? Do whatever works for you both.

Mind you, I did figure out early on that if I went running in at the slightest grizzle DD had a harder time getting back to sleep because she'd decide it was up time. She was the sort of kid that would stir, grizzle a bit, have a bit of a fart or a fidget then go back to sleep. So I'd stand just outside her door and listen for a minute or two before going in, if the tone of her grumbling changed from muttering to hey woman where are you I'd go get her. If not, I'd go about my business and leave her to it.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

DS didn't self-settle until 3.5-4 in age. Just one of those things. We figured he'd either get there eventually or his wife would have the task of getting him off to sleep. Either way, it wouldn't be a problem for me forever.

Self-settling in the middle of the night, however, between sleep cycles, he picked up before 3 years!

[KitFaerie]

I don't quite get it either. I don't see a lot of difference between frantically patting him in his cot, lying awake listening to him whimper for a long time (I do understand the ''I'm going back to sleep" grizzles) or picking him up and feeding him back to sleep in 5 minutes. Except that feeding him is much nicer and quicker It seems strange that there's all this pressure to have a baby that self settles and sleeps through the night when realistically it's completely foreign to most of them! I'd rather be sleep deprived than go through the stress of trying to teach him to self settle (my DS really really doesn't self settle! so it would be VERY stressful for me!)

I really don't like that it's usually one of the first questions I get asked about DS. There's a lot more to him that how he sleeps.

[jacklicky]

Nearly every feed with DD I fed her to sleep. Everyone said I had to put her to sleep awake and let her self settle.....to me if she was asleep she was asleep and I wasn't waking her!
I got told how I am going to pay for it later and I will need to be up putting her to sleep all the time....
Anyhow as she got closer to a year old nothing had changed she still slept brilliantly. Sometimes she would be awake at the end of the feed and Id put her down and off to sleep she would go.
It never made a difference to her sleep if I fed her to sleep or let her go to sleep on her own....

My opinion is you do whatever you need to do to get to sleep.....maybe in the future you have to change paths but maybe you wont....My DD is now 3 and have basically never had a problem with her sleeping or putting her down to sleep unless she was sick.....

[Beach Mama]

I guess for me it wasn't that I wanted them to self settle all the time, however I had to do something to get them out of the waking 1-2 hourly for a b'feed routine. After doing 1-2 hourly for 4 mths something had to give for me. I know some people deal better with sleep deprivation and we all have our limits for what we can deal with but for me I was at the point of losing the plot completely. (Both slept through the night from 6 weeks and then regressed!) After doing some sleep training after going to a sleep school, (settling without feeding) we were lucky that both our kids responded to this within 1 night. We literally had 1 difficult night and then a longer stretch the following night that got progressively longer. We have awesome sleepers now, both run to bed at nap time and night time and we haven't had any issues since then really.

I guess my story is a bit different in that our focus was on self settling sometimes so that we would at least get a 4 hour block without being woken up. I think because sleep deprivation is quite horrific for some people and can affect them in ways some of us don't understand that that is the reason why there is that focus.

I personally know people who spent a year in a fog of no sleep, which led to depression after they literally tried everything and yes the focus was on self settling because this mama was at her wits end and it was affecting all her relationships and her relationship and enjoyment with her children. I totally understand the "I'd rather be sleep deprived than go through the stress of trying to teach him to self settle" which I swore by until they hit around 9 mths and I physically couldn't do it anymore. We all do what we have to do to get through - for some that might mean a focus on sleep training earlier than others, doesn't make it wrong or right, makes it RIGHT for us and our children and circumstances.

I agree that a focus from others of - "Is he/she a good baby and sleep through" Is nonsense and just puts more pressure on us as mamas.

[Claire_A]

Well my son has 'self settled' since he was born (always hated hands on settling - rocking, patting etc) and he still wakes atleast 3 times a night! He obviously hasn't read the baby books lol

[loulabelle]

yeah, I often think about this madb.

I guess it depends on the person and what they need at the time.

my Ds never self settles and he'll be four in march (unless you count the car?) I lie down and cuddle him to sleep every night. for me, it would be too traumatic to force him to go to sleep by himself. I do believe he'll learn in his own time, family who have older kids who have done the same don't still have to settle their children now they are older.

dd is a bit different, she self settles about half the time and when she doesn't myself or dh will lie down with her.

each child is different and I do think they all learn in time. you don't see 30 year olds that need at mum or dad to settle them to sleep.

each to their own though.

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[Heaven]

I don't know either! I think it's pressure from everyone else that makes you think that's what you should be doing. But no idea why they all think it's so important, it's not like they're the ones getting up to my kids!

I wish I was as relaxed with DD1 as I was with DD2 but now I know it does pass, it doesn't last forever. DD took until just after her 2nd birthday to self-settle. So with DD2 I had no expectations of self-settling at all and it has been much much less stressful!

[Jennifer13]

Well I never bothered doing it with DD, but on the other hand, I had a very easy going, chilled out baby so it wasn't that much of an issue for me to bf/cuddle/co-sleep her to sleep. She still comes into our bed at 5 1/2 when she wakes in the night and wants us to get back to sleep. It doesn't bother us and TBH we'll miss it one day when she stops.

I love the intimacy of being physically on hand to my DD and I'm very much looking forward to a new baby and doing it all again. They stay in our arms for such a short time. I'm one of those who doesn't like to put them down!

(I say this as a person who has not experienced the true depths of sleep deprivation induced by having a wakeful or unsettled child!)

[Liz]

So with DD2 I had no expectations of self-settling at all and it has been much much less stressful!

I honestly believe this is a big part of it. Letting go of any expectations. Trouble is with sleep being one of the first things asked about, it makes us question what our babies are doing. I think the only thing I expected of my children is that they'd put themselves to sleep one day... and that they'd sleep right through the night one day. hehe.

I was a bit the same with toilet training. I was pretty certain they'd be out of nappies before going to school So I had no stress with trying to toilet train them to other people's expectations/schedules. There really is very little training needed when they're ready! Same goes for sleep.. when they're ready to sleep alone and settle themselves, there's no training needed.

This suits my laziness perfectly To me, feeding bub back to sleep at night next to me is the lazy option.. .cos it's quick and easy. There's no way I'd stand over a cot patting patting patting. UGH. I think we just need to debunk the myth of this rod for our backs and drop the expectations of these poor little bubs that are just doing what they do!