Screaming

[*LittleMissSummer*]

My DD now has learnt to scream at the top of her lungs until her face goes bright red to get what she wants. She will do this for hours on end.

I need ideas of how to get her to stop. We have tried ignoring her but that seems to encourage her. We have yelled at her and told her to be quiet. I at times have lost my patience and told her to shut up which just made me really upset as i hate those words. I then started patting her firmly on her bum whenever she screamed, that at first got her to stop but she gets right into my face and screams. I have thought about picking her up and putting her in her cot for 'time out' and letting her out when shes quiet.

Any ideas? Has anyone dealt with this and how did you resolve it?

My mum told me and DP to scream back in her face but i think that would just make it more of a game.

[~Kim~]

Both of mine did this. What worked for me was for me to stay quiet and speak quietly in their ear, "when you 've finished I will be able to help you" then I picked them up and put them in their room. Not as time out (after nearly 6 years as a parent only recently have I felt the need to try that), but as their own quiet, safe space.
99% of the time it worked, and they calmed down and came out and spoke/motioned/responded - whatever they were at at the time, properly. Usually always with an I'm finished Mum. I don't make them apologise either. Their father does but I figure that they need to know it's OK to be angry and they know that, but I can't make him understand that.
Some kids like to be held and calmed with soothing touch and strokes and words. Mine just don't. I have tried it and it always made it worse. Some kids need to calm themselves.

[sloane]

we don't get screaming so much but we do get occasional meltdowns. i agree with kim & i try (even though it can be frustrating!) to stay calm - i figure that DS is having an explosion of emotion that he doesn't know how to deal with (even if it seems to be over something we would consider trivial) so i need to demonstrate to him how to stay calm & that i understand something is frustrating/upsetting him but we need to be calm to deal with it (that's not to say i haven't lost my cool a few times ).

i also agree with kim about it depending on the individual child - my DS is (and has always been) one that needs/wants to be held. he gets more upset if i push him away & so i let him sit on my knee while he gets it out of his system. if he kicks his legs etc i remind him that i know he's frustrated but that he needs to be gentle with mummy & i won't be able to hold him if he does it.

if DS wanting something has triggered the outburst then i explain he needs to ask nicely or why he wasn't able to have it.

[Gigi]

trust your instincts, you don't sound like you think screaming back in her face is a good idea, listen to your instinct.

screaming back at her, i suspect, will escalate the situation.

she needs you to be in control, not out of control like she is. I love the OP suggestion of whispering in her ear. i think if you speak calmly, that will calm her down.

it must be very distressing for you to hear, and for her to do (screaming makes a person hot and headachy).

when my child has a meltdown, and i can't get her to talk to me, i end up trying to ignore the noisy stuff, and concentrate on her physical needs (cold flannel on her head, softly singing to her, letting her know (softly) that tissues and water are right by her side, working up to caressing her hair, when she's a bit calmer. SHe usually is so worked up, that she won't let me see her face, but wants to have some part of her, touching me, so if i go to move away, she gets cross. So inspite of being cross (about what i don't know), she wants me for comfort.

i have no idea how i'd cope with this, if i had more than one child. My experience has only been with one child.

[HotI]

We also practise all kinds of voices at times when DD is not upset and make it a game. "whisper, whisper" voice, and get DD to copy you. "rar, rar" like a lion voice, really loud voices and singy voices and .... Then, when DD is out of control, you can try whisper whisper voices and she might be able to start copying and calm herself down. Teaching her different voices when she is calm is easier than when she is upset.

[Calluna]

I'm not sure if she's old enough for this, but her language sounds fairly good so it might work...

I tell DS I can't understand him when he's screaming/whining/yelling and ask him to ask me nicely. More often than not he stops and asks nicely, if he's needing an outlet he won't he just screams so I hold him til he calms.

Sometimes they just need to have a yell and release some frustration. It must be very frustrating not being able to communicate how they want to.

[willow5]

I'm not sure if she's old enough for this, but her language sounds fairly good so it might work...

I tell DS I can't understand him when he's screaming/whining/yelling and ask him to ask me nicely. More often than not he stops and asks nicely,

This works for us sometimes too. I did try screaming too a few times, I did with my older 2 when they were little too. Not right in their face but screamed along with them, if it was a tantrum type "I just want what I want" type thing, and we all ended up laughing. So it did stop the screaming, and without giving in and giving them what they wanted But it would depend on how worked up they were and why. I picked my screaming moments.

[Miss E]

Have you tried just picking her up and giving her a cuddle/rocking her/walking around with her in her arms until she stops? I've always found comfort works best with DS. And he learns that he wont get what he wants by screaming, just in a gentle caring way.

[delphmoon]

Hey LMS.

Our daughters are the same age- actually, they were born on the same day!- Anyway- I'm guessing K is still alittle bit too young to fully understand what your saying if you were to whisper in her ear or try and reason with her. These are all fabulous suggestions but I think at this age, the kids are stuck inbetween not understanding an wanting to be understood and it frustrates them IYGWIM.

With my DD, we find distraction is the best method. We usually try and predict when a screaming fit is coming and try to avoid it, but if the inevitable happens (and it always does LOL) we go to distraction. So for instance, if she is cracking it because she wants to go outside and play with the dog we usually bring her ball out and start bouncing it around in the other room. Once she hears it she forgets about the dog and comes running for the ball. We actually have a bribery box lol which has toys/activities in it that are definite tantrum stoppers. So when I am talking on the phone and she is get peed off because she wants to talk on the phone I go to the bribery box and pull out her jigsaw/blocks/book and she settles down.

I think my DD is still just alittle young to actually reason with. So distraction works well- most of the time

HTH xx

[*LittleMissSummer*]

If i try pick her up she waves her hands and runs away.

Delphmoon - Your DD sounds like mine in that distraction does work a treat with her (most of the time). She is actually quite smart and does understand us but she doesn't know how to get us to understand her.

I have tried whispering to her and saying i dont understand you need to tell/show mummy what you want or i tell her why she can't go out eg its too hot, cold, rainy etc to which sometimes ill get "ohhhh" and she runs off or if she thinks im lying she will shake her head and continue to scream.

I often am so bad and give her what she wants because the scream gives me headaches, she could almost deafen a person with this scream and how my neighbours have never complained i don't know.

[RockingBaker]

I used to sit away from DD3 (my screamer) and whisper so she could see my mouth moving. Curiosity the better of her nearly every time so she would have to be quiet to hear me

[FabFiona]

A few kids in my mothers group did this at this age. They all handled it differently but in the end they all grew out of it at their language improved.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

I used to sit away from DD3 (my screamer) and whisper so she could see my mouth moving. Curiosity the better of her nearly every time so she would have to be quiet to hear me

haha! I like it! ill have to give this a try.

I'm hoping its only short lived like her hitting and biting stages.