help

[bubno.3]

If this is in wrong spot sorry

who's 3 1/2,yr old wakes and chucks wobblies at 4 am ?
This morning tantrum was because I moved him from couch to bed ( he came into me as his bed was wet so I moved him onto the,couch....when he fell asleep) umm I haved moved him like this before .
It isn't I'm scared and half asleep grizzles it was a full in tantrum :-(
I'm so over his behavior at times grrrr
any suggestions and what do others do for discipline for this defiant behaviour?
And other behaviour that does my head in is
' no I won't do that '
'Mum go away '
And the screaming yelling and banging and kicking doors when he is in full swing
History : ds 11 ds 3 1/2 and ds 14 months
Seperated 9 months ....two younger ones dad who has shagged up with new women and she is now pregnant plus the two little ones see their dad 5 days a fortnight

[bubno.3]

And just about 10min ago ds 3 1/2 refused to keep his door shut and whilst it was shut he managed to take off his handle and become stuck in his room .... So then it turned from the annoying whinging cry to hysteria as now we were locked in.... Thankfully the door opened and he got out ...or it couldve been a smashing a window trick . Now he is eating a hot toasty and said ' I was naughty and broke the door'
So peoples WTF do I do .... As it is like living with Jeckyl and Hyde ....

[sloane]

can you get your hands on a copy of the science of parenting by margot sutherland? she has some great info in the book on the development of the human brain/emotions and offers some suggestions on what are gentle ways to try and deal with unwanted behaviour. i've found that it helps to have a reference point to why my DS may be acting in a certain way. we're not at the 'i won't' stage (yet!) but i recall seeing a chapter/section specifically on this!

[bubno.3]

Thanks I will buy the book .... As this behaviour is doing my head in and I'm not enjoying it at all :-(

[sloane]

no worries - pretty sure i got it for around $15 from the book depository (free postage) but i think my local library has it as well. good luck!

[peanutter]

have you read "Raising Boys" by Steve Biddulph?

my DS is only 19 months, but I'm finding it fascinating and helpful.

[bubno.3]

I'm going to.have to read something or else he will be living in his room daily when he is in these moods grrrr.. he has been in.there for nearly 2 hours as everytime he comes out he is plain naughty and I'm just plain over it ...
And another thing can this age deliberatly do things like ' wet the bed on purpose' as very strange the bed is wet but pull UPS and pjs aren't .... Mmmm go figure

[Cass72]

have you read "Raising Boys" by Steve Biddulph?

my DS is only 19 months, but I'm finding it fascinating and helpful.

Great book! I got it for DS1 .... I must dig it out and re-read.

He could be acting out because he can't express his feelings properly and may be confused (who knows what goes on in little boys' heads... still trying to understand my nearly 17 year old!). I know that any change (not matter how big or small) can upset DS2 (he's 22 months). His other big brother (DSS) came to live with us just before christmas and he's still adjusting to the change in household.

Do the little ones know that dad's girlfriend is pregnant? If so, did she tell them or did you? Could he be worried that he won't get to see daddy anymore?

My situation with DS1 was a little different but it may help.....

I remember DS1 coming home from kindergarten absolutely devastated because "his dad didn't love him". Up until that stage he had never even met his father (another long story). It was completely out of the blue and threw me when he said that he hated him. He was only 4 and for the first time realised that other kids had a mum and a dad. I told him matter of factly exactly why his dad never met him. I also told him that I didn't hate his dad because how could I when he gave me you. I didn't embellish or put it in childish terms from what I remember I said something along the lines of this:

Your dad and I were friends at school. When I fell pregnant your dad got scared and didn't think that he was ready to be a father. So he left and we went to live with grandma and grandad.

Never underestimate your little ones and what they can understand

[bubno.3]

Yes I just had a one on one chat saying to him I want the nice Alistair back . I asked why the door handle broke and he said ' alistair pulled itvoff ' I said yes and is that being good or bad ? He said ' bad mummy ' . I said ' i want alistair to be good and nice or he will stay in his room and won't be able to play with the others. I said if alistair is asked to sit what does alistair do. He said straight away ' sit ' and the sane for he quiet or eat and drink .... So I know he understands me.. So hopefully he will stay good and play nicely for awhile .

Re his father ( stupid idiot). I.don't know if they know she is pregnant ... And yes I understand that he is a very confused little man but Omg it is so hard at times . But these times I just want to throttle his dad for putting all of us thru his **** UPS but thw
At is a different thread

Thanks girls for your ear and advice x

[Rowellen]

My DS can be very similar. When he throws tantrums, the only thing that will calm him down quickly is to stop and say "do you want a cuddle". Without fail he says yes & can't get into our arms quick enough. Once he's calm, he instantly becomes reasonable again. It seems like he just needs more reassurance. It is hard to do sometimes when I'm really frustrated with him or looking after DD. Have you tried that method?

seems like you need one.

[jackrose]

Three and a half can be a terrible time. Fact! My DD went through the most terrible, defiant, disagreeable time at three and a half and I was at a loss as to what to do (or even what I had done to cause this!)

What helped me was getting back to thinking about things from her perspective with a little help and relief from post I read on a blog specifically about three and a half year old behaviour. (Google planning with kids, or specifically "characteristics of three and a half")

Three is a conforming age. Three and a half is just the opposite. Refusing to obey is perhaps the key aspect of this turbulent, troubled period in the life of the young child. It sometimes seems to his mother that his main concern is to strengthen his will, and he strengthens this will by going against whatever is demanded of him by that still most important person in his life, his mother.

Many a mother discovers that even the simplest event or occasion can elicit total rebellion. Dressing, eating, going to the bathroom, getting up, going to bed – what ever the routine, it can be the scene and setting for an all-out, no-holds-barred fight. Techniques and tricks formerly useful can no longer be guaranteed to work. The mother’s equally resistant response may be tempered by knowing that soon, when he is Four, her child will have developed a self concept strong enough so that he can sometimes conform, and also that he will sometimes enjoy going out of bounds and saying and doing things he knows full well will not be permitted. But even when out of bounds at Four, he will usually be much less difficult to manage then now, at Three and a half.

The blog post outlines some typical 3 and a half behavious and has some solutions for ways to deal with them. I know that when I went from reacting to my DDs tantrums and explosions with equal anger to a calmer, more accepting approach it made a huge difference in diffusing the situation and from there I was able to re-establish the fair rules of our house. It did not resolve the issues totally (that came naturally when she simply outgrew the phase) but it did make the passage through the phase much smoother and helped keep my sanity.

Rest assured it is a normal stage of development even though it may be heat breaking and soul destroying for you to live with (especially with the added stress of your ex and the complications there). It is also quite possible that your DS may be outwardly expressing frustrations with his life with you as you are a safe place to unleash all his little 3 year old emotions. Hang in there and keep talking with your DS in the calm times. It does get through and he will appreciate the calm guidance and the support you offer him.

[bubno.3]

Thankyou girls for replying and putting the time in for the research u have given me....
What I have read is spot on and thanks for the reassurance :-)