I just need to vent this I think. Not sure if there's any solution except for one foot in front of the other. I'm just utterly shattered. I have not slept for longer than 3 hrs straight (except one freakish 5 hours stint) for 5 months and it's usually more like 1.5 hrs. DS cat-naps through the day, fights almost all sleeps (but will occasionally, like once a fortnight, self-settle and sleep for 2 hours just to remind me that he can do it), won't go to sleep without a 3 hour battle every evening and then wakes 4 - 10 times over night before getting up at 6.
I did get a great deal of solace from my recent thread about cat-napping (so huuuge thanks again to those who replied), and since I have let go of trying to make him nap longer, I have felt slightly saner. But the sheer exhaustion and lack of down-time is breaking me. I am snappy and impatient with DD. She is such a beautiful little soul, and as 2.5 yr olds go, incredibly cooperative and calm. But like most, she can dawdle and defy... and instead of doing what I know is best for her... instead of having the energy and patience to distract, humour, explain, play our way through the hard bits, I have lost my temper with her. Three times in three days I have ended up in a terrible state myself because instead of diffusing a situation, I have escalated it and it's ended with her screaming and crying, and me just crying along with her.
She said to me today... "I make you very sad Mummy?" and I felt sick to my stomach. I tried to explain to her that I'm really really tired and we all get a bit cranky and sad when we're tired. That it's not her. But she sees the worst of my 'crankiness' in response to her behaviour and cannot help but fill in the blanks and surmise that it's her that makes me so angry and sad.
We barely get any time just the two of us as I spend all day holding / entertaining / feeding an increasingly tired DS. She's desperate for a play mate and even when DS is briefly asleep, it's all I can do to read a story. I just don't have dancing and cooking and imaginative adventures in me. I don't have the good humour to have silly glasses put on me and I'm not much into pretending to be a dog.
But I was. I was a fun Mummy. I was patient. I was creative. We went places together and had the most amazing conversations. I don't resent DS. I wouldn't be without him, obviously. But I'm so sad that his arrival has shifted DD's world, and my relationship with her so massively and I want so desperately to be 'that' Mummy for her again.
My anxiety is escalating and I'm finding that I can't sleep even when I have the opportunity to as I'm surviving on adrenalin and it's impossible to switch off.
... AAAARRGGHH... and I FINALLY got DS to sleep 30 mins ago, and he's awake again.
ETA: and to the lovely BBer that visited me yesterday... yep, I know it probably didn't look this bad. And some days, some hours, it isn't. Especially when we have fun and understanding company. But today, well today is just F'ed.
i so know how u feel im up to 15 months and now they fight each other for my attention it did get better as DD as gotten older still not sleeping but im able to give DS more of my time and attention
Just wanted to give you big hugs. It is soooo hard trying to balance two at times, and I've been in your shoes of having my eldest reduce me to tears with her utter honesty at my moods.
I didn't see your thread re napping so don't know if you've answered this, but can you sleep a night or two with your DS so that you at least don't have to get up for him when he wakes?
All I can offer is that it does get better as they get older (and I know you can't see it now but it does seem to happen all too quickly), and you'll get some time back one on one with your gorgeous girl - and you'll even have the energy to enjoy it. I'll now go off and ponder my decision to have a 3rd baby and be looking at walking this road again
Sending you some rest and relaxation vibes Santosha. My children have never slept, and DD is now almost 5, so i feel your pain immensely- i know that point you are at cos i have been there on numerous occasions. Is there any way you can get some time to yourself, even just a couple of hours sleep in in the morning? Sleep will really help you, its the starting point for everything to move uphill!
Thanks ladies. Oh J... 15 months?? I may have to hire a body-double if we are to survive this way for that long. This body is about to collapse.
Lulu: Yup, we co-sleep. It's the only way to manage the frequent wakings and get any sleep at all. DH is on the couch as he snores and I can't have the two of them keeping me awake so at least me and the little menace have the whole big bed to ourselves. I live in hope of that 'better when he gets older' and at the very same time, I don't want to wish this time away. Except for the whole anti-sleep thing, he is the most utterly adorable little guy. And probably my last baby. I just want to enjoy it.
Appletree: 5 YEARS?????? How are you coherent in any way?! Can't sleep in as DH leaves for work at 5am and seems to feel that since he gets up so early through the week, he should get to sleep in on the weekends... as in sleep in 'till 7:30ish when DD gets up and leaps on him on the couch! But you're right... it has happened a couple of times - that I've had a good night or managed to grab a couple of extra hours through the day - and the world looks completely different. Manageable. ONCE, DS slept 5 hours straight over night and I felt positively 'high' on sleep the next day!
Does your DD sleep/rest during the day? Can you all sleep/rest togetherat least during the day? I feel for you hun, and I want to tell you it getsd better but I truly don't know. But know that your DD probably understands more then you know, you'll be amazed in 6 months time that she will bring up why you are cranky, she'll remember it is b/c you are tired not b/c of her.
I've had these moments and I currently only have one, I'm sure when this baby arrives I will understand more, but I wanted to give you a massive big supportive hug, make you a delicious coffee and sit down and let you vent and cry so you feel better for getting it all out.
Babe - it just sucks, it shouldn't be this hard, and remember that sleep deprivation IS actually a form of torture so don't beat yourself up for screaming and crying too - sometimes a good old fashioned Adult Tanty is needed (and is somewhat theraputic). My heart breaks for you as you are obviously shattered that DD has felt she's made you sad, and verbalised this to you, she is a very intuitive and clever little lady, and I very much doubt she would judge you as harshly as you might judge yourself.
You WILL be a fun Mummy again, I've heard you say it to me in my own ranting posts "This too shall pass" and it will, it sounds like you are going through a particularly tough patch just at the moment, but soon enough it will get a little easier, then a lot easier ......
In the meantime, hang in there, remind your little Miss how much her Mummy loves and adores her and maybe organise a Mummy and Daughter Date - if only for an hour, I bet it would mean the world to both of you and give you some of your Mummy Zing back (you still have it, its just hidden under complete exhaustion!)
Much love you to and try not to beat yourself up and add to your anxiety. Remind yourself that you are NOT superhuman, you are a Mum of two little people who leave you very little time for yourself, so you need to be kind to yourself cos frankly we both know you are awesome!!
Hugs to you Santosha,
You're doing an amazing job. Is there anyone who can take bub off your hands once a week while you and your DD go out and spend some one on one time together? I've got no advice hun, thinking of you and hope it improves soon.
I think its time that your DH shared the sleep ins! Is he forgetting that you get broken sleep all night long? That is far worse than having to get up early...
We negotiated so that i get up to the kids on saturdays while he sleeps in, and DF gets up to them on sundays while i sleep in, even if its only till 7:30 those extra solid hours of sleep are worth 3 hours for every one!
Yep, coming up to 5 years of terrible sleeping. Things got way worse when DS was born and they were both waking alternately demanding attention, but i coped by moving DD's toddler bed next to ours and DS co-slept in with me. We also had a family nap time after lunch each day for around 2 hrs so i could get some extra sleep, and i made poor DD have a day sleep until she was nearly 4! Its only been this week that i have finally gotten DD to go to sleep on her own and stay in her own bed all night, i had slowly progressed from having her right next to me, to then moving her into her own room. Once i finally had her going to sleep in her own room i would have to lay down with her and later sit next to her bed for up to 2 hours each night while she tried to fall asleep, it was absolute craziness! Especially since she would stay in there no later than 10:30pm when she would then come into our room anyway... Last weekend i kind of snapped, did some reading on sleep centres for older children and ruled out that there is nothing physically wrong and that its a behavioural issue that i was in control of. I then decided that a reward system could work well for her so told her that each night that she falls asleep on her own and stays in her own bed all night she gets to pick a treat in the morning. If i had known all it would take was a couple of snake lollies and a handful of stickers, i would have done it years ago! We are now at night 6 and she has not had a single problem. DS is still a little too young for bribery and corruption so i don't mind bringing him into our bed each night so long as he goes to sleep in his cot first. I have already switched to just putting him down in his bed on his own and saying goodnight and leaving, and it hasn't phased him at all. If you could have seen me before, with my bum up in the air hanging over the cot rail so i could put my head on his chest so he could play with my hair for at least 20 mins before he fell asleep...cramps in my legs cos i am up on tip toes, blood rushing to my face, etc. you would not believe they are the same children i had a week ago!
If your DH isn't up for letting you have a sleep in tomorrow, pull the i'm not feeling well card! Its sneaky, but you won't regret it! You're mentally not feeling well, so its not like its a real lie
is there anyone who can give you a break during the day? at least on weekends could your DH let you sleep in or even grab an hour or 2 nap in the afternoon? or if you wanted to spend time with your DD, could your DH look after your DS & you & your DD could do something together?
i never wanted to leave my DS but came to the realisation that i also needed to desperately re-charge my batteries & so would let my MIL or DP look after him for a couple of hours while i rested/went out etc. in the end i was glad i took those opportunities because he took till he was well over 18 months before he slept for more than 2 hours at a time.
i hope last night wasn't too bad & today is a good one for you
I've been in your position- baby number 2 is 5 mths- and it's really hard. You don't have to suffer thru it without help. Not sure where u live but ask your maternal and child health nurse about help with training baby to sleep. Sometimes the council has someone who'll come to your home 4 free and givr u tips. Or you can stay at an Early Parenting Centre 4 free for 3 -4 days to learn sleep strategies. Eg Melbourne has place called Tweddle. I've used some of these strategies and have friends who have been to 'sleep school' and it's helped a lot. And strategies can b made to fit your parentimg style/ what u feel comfy doing. GL Santosha
have you got a good double pram? will ds sleep in the pram out on a walk? i used to put them both in the pram and walk around until ds2 fell asleep and then stop at the playground and get ds1 out and spend some one on one time with him while ds2 slept in the pram under a tree.
i also joined a playgroup so that i could basically sit and breastfeed ds2 and try to settle him while ds1 safely played with some other toddlers and i knew he was safe i.e.. locked in!!
it will get heaps easier, i promise. one day you'll be sitting here on bb like me while the two of them play with each other and you'll think its the best thing ever!
I really don't know how you do it, I feel shattered and I don't have the night wakings - your children are adorable though, and your DD is a smart cookie she will understand more than you think about your explanation. I like to tell myself when I don't do things the way I would like ideally because of tiredness etc is that at least it is 'real' the world is not always perfect people are tired and it is good to be able to understand that. This will pass I am sure and hopefully when DD starts back at childcare you can use that time to rest a little. If you are my way and you want me to sit with DS for a bit, or entertain DD (lots of great parks round here as you know) while you rest or do anything am more than happy to do that, DD would love it and I find that these days is often easier with two toddlers for short periods than one as they entertain each other a bit and there is less of the 'pretending to be a dog' by me required.
I do feel for you. What my DH and I do is the working person gets to sleep without interruption on the nights before they go to work. So Sun - Thursday nights, I get a full night's sleep. DH gets up to any wakenings and I get to be fresh for work. On the nights where I don't work the next day, I get up, so Friday / Saturday nights. When I was at home and DH worked, the same thing. It's the only thing that keeps us sane, and that helps us be better parents.
Can you do any sleep-overs anywhere? EG older nieces / nephews who'd "love" the "adventure" of looking after baby?
I only have the one baby (for now..... *evil laugh*) but DS is and always has been extremely challenging in the sleep department. He, like your DS, still fights every single sleep. It's quite an ordeal. I find myself getting anxious when naptime is approaching because I know what comes next.
I don't have any great advice, although I wish I did. I'm still just riding it out. All I can say is don't beat yourself up too much. You're doing the best you can, on almost no sleep. Sleep deprivation changes us into crying, yelling, crying some more mummies. It's hard. It's ok to feel exhausted.
I haven't read all the replies, but in terms of your dd still doing fun stuff, I found artplay amazing. I felt so sad at not being the fun mum (it's not something that comes naturally to me in the first place) that I looked for organised activities where I could be present. If ds will settle (if not sleep) in the pram this might be a possible compromise?
Good luck hun, it won't always be like this
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