in DD2's own words...

[beansbeans!]

Its no secret that Ive been having a rough time with my big girls of late. But I never expected to hear:

"Mummy, I think you HATE me'

come out of DD2's mouth today.

DD2, who is 2yrs, was having another one of her usual tantrums, but this time it escalated to a point where I thought she was going to hurt herself. So I grabbed her and pulled her tight to me and just hugged her. I didnt let go until she calmed down (and shes given some lovely bruises to me already). Anyhow when she was calm I asked her what was wrong, why the meltdown (afterall I only asked took her seatbelt off and asked her to get out of the car). And thats what came out of her mouth.

I am absolutely crushed. I dont know where the start of my wrong turns are to go back and fix it. I am stunned, and I feel so terrible that my own daughter thinks that of me at such a young age. I am devastated.

Im lost for words and I need some direction I think.

[Epacris]

BeanBeans, I really don’t think she meant it. She probably has no idea what those words mean. She’s only 2. 2 year olds say heaps of crazy stuff, you know “I want to live in the toilet”, “I want to eat the dog”, “I think you hate me”. They are only just learning how to use words and they test them out so they can work out what they mean.

I’m not trying to make light of the situation because I can see how distressed you are but I think you are doing a fantastic job as a parent and I really do think you are reading way too much into this one little incident. I don’t think you need any direction at all, just a good old hug, a cuppa tea and probably more sleep (I’m sorry I can’t help with that, I’m the same too).

[Trillian]

BeanBeans, I really don’t think she meant it. She probably has no idea what those words mean. She’s only 2. 2 year olds say heaps of crazy stuff, you know “I want to live in the toilet”, “I want to eat the dog”, “I think you hate me”. They are only just learning how to use words and they test them out so they can work out what they mean.

I’m not trying to make light of the situation because I can see how distressed you are but I think you are doing a fantastic job as a parent and I really do think you are reading way too much into this one little incident. I don’t think you need any direction at all, just a good old hug, a cuppa tea and probably more sleep (I’m sorry I can’t help with that, I’m the same too).

Couldn't have said it better myself! My DD1 always used to say things like that and most of the time when she was that age she had no idea what she was saying.

[wysiwyg]

Totally agree with the others - at the same age my DD went through a phase of all sorts of strange things "I am going to run in the road and get hit by a big car", "I am going to grab your tea and burn myself" - lots and lots of strange things about hurting herself mainly but she was piecing together her understanding. Often you can work out where they get bits and pieces from - e.g. I must have said "don't touch my tea you will burn yourself" " don't run in the road you will get hit by a car" etc - she has probably heard something e.g. TV and then is sticking it together with "I think" - that is what my DD does she hears something and then makes it her own using I am etc and uses it.

[~clover~]

My DS just turned 4 & has been doing this since he was 2. My DD1 was over dramatic like this too. At nearly 10 though, she knows its not acceptable to speak like that anymore.

Pretty sure DS actually said very quietly last night 'my wanna kill you mum'. Nice. Said quietly coz he knows its naughty, but so I could hear it for the reaction

[nothing2lose]

Agree with the others. The good news is when they are teens they will probably say they hate you They won't mean it then either!

[megs]

I have a child who is a few months older than your DD2, I have noticed that he says things that I truely believe he has no real comprehsion of what it actually means, has had just overheard his older brothers and as he tries to be like them he said it too.

Big hugs to you, is would still hurt hearing that though.

[Purple Penguin]

[littlelara]

I have to agree, it doesn't mean what you think it does. Dd once said the same to me and it turned out it was because I didn't give her chocolate for dinner or something equally ridiculous. I just respond with "Nope, love you" and leave it at that

[beansbeans!]

Thanks ladies.

Although I am sure that you all are right, somewhere deep down I honestly think she thought it. Shes been pretty good with having DD3 around, but I know shes felt the changes.

The girls are in bed now, and Ive had some time to think about it. Im starting to think that she was trying to tell me in her own words how shes feeling. I know the balance in this home has been out for a while now and maybe its time for me to focus on fixing that balance.

Its hard because DD1 was never like DD2, she has never ever said that sort of stuff to me or DH, but I suppose theres always a first!

[forshelby]

I agree with the PP. But I can understand your anguish too. Just know that you're doing a fantastic job. The fact that you HEAR your child, and I mean really hear her, is to be applauded. You obviously care a great deal about your relationship with your daughters. There's nothing wrong with that! And it's ok to feel gutted, too. I promise you though, you're doing just great.

[Santosha]

I agree with the others in that a. that would've been really scary to hear, and b. she doesn't mean it. At least, not the way you understand 'hating' her would mean. I wonder whether it's possible though that she's expressing concern that she could be the source of stress or unhappiness in you? My DD said to me recently 'I make you very sad Mum?'. Broke my heart. Of course she doesn't make me very sad. But it made me realize that in her egocentric 2 yr old world, she just sees that Mummy is unhappy, sometimes she gets cross etc. when dealing with me... therefore I am the cause of Mummy's unhappiness. I have gone to great lengths to explain (in as simple ways as possible) about what's actually making me tearful and grumpy (exhaustion, worry...) and make sure she knows that she is not responsible, and in fact, gives me great joy. She seems to get it... last time I got teary she said "you're sad because you didn't have a good sleep Mummy? I can cuddle you to help?". Nnnnaaaaaaaaawwwwww.

Just a thought anyways.

Big hugs Hun.

[beansbeans!]

darn it, just lost a massive reply.

Forshelby, thank you, your post has humbled me, if humbled is the word I am looking for.

Santosha, I think sitting down with the girls will have to be done again and explain things on their level to them.

i talked to dh about it last night, and explained that I think its not their behaviour that needs changing but our parenting does. I need to work out what the problems and and fix them. I need to be there for them and work out what is going wrong in our lives at the moment for DD2 to be venting like that.

[chody47]

Whilst I too agree with what the others have said in that she most likely didn't mean that she thinks you 'hate' her, I hear you when you say that you think she is trying to explain how she feels. Is it likely that DD2 is feeling 'put out' by the new baby? I think the talking to your girls is a good idea, but perhaps you could also try and 'do' things to help your DD understand that you do love and appreciate her. I imagine it would be very difficult with a 1 month old baby to give your older girls time, but is it possible to set aside some 'special' time with each girl at some point during the day? Maybe they can choose something they would like to do during that time and you can have some wonderful 1:1 time together. It doesn't have to be a huge length of time.... Perhaps that would help them to see how much you do love and care for them?

[beansbeans!]

Thanks Chody47,
Thankfully both the big girls are perfect little mummies with DD3, Dd2 is especially helpful. Does anything for her sister. The only jealously at the moment from DD2, is she cant work out why she cant fit into DD3's cute clothes!

But yes I am trying to give them some one on one time. We try and have special time with both the big girls on DH's days off. So I take DD1 and DD3 to dd1's dancing lesson, whilst DH has Dd2 and they do some special stuff. Then I take Dd2 and have some special time with her whilst dd1 is at swimming lessons. We do have some chances for one on one time during the day, I think I just need to make more time for them.

[*EJ*]

Big hugs for you BB, you have to trust in yourself that you are doing your absolute best

You have received some excellent advice so i'm not about to repeat it all but i just wanted to say that after my tough days i sit down when things are finally quiet and think about it, why it may have been like it was and what i could do to change it.

Most of the time if i am a little extra stressed then the kids pick up on it and make things so much harder. So i find i need to keep calm even when i'm stressed or in a rush and they kids can be their usual calm selves.

One example that i've seen happen time and again for me is if i am rushing around and raising my voise at the kids to hurry up and put their shoes on, get in the car, sit in your seat, do this to that, they will deliberately make things longer and harder.

So i have learnt that my moods have a lot to do with how the kids behave. With what i imagine you're dealing with right now (I was there not too long ago ) things can get pretty hectic and all i can say is if you can contol how you feel (or what the kids sense you are feeling) the kids will hopefully take it a little easier on you. I am not saying you're to blame at all so please don't take it like that i'm just saying that this can be where the rebellion begins sometimes.

Learning to be a mum of 1, 2, 3 and more is a big thing each time and as well as the kids settling in you are too. So take it easy on yourselves.

One thing i make a point of doing is often at random times of the day is calling the kids to me and giving them big hugs and kisses and telling them i love them. Even when i've been a grumpy mum that day, or they've been a little cheeky and they know it. So no matter what they know i love them.f

Good luck to you and your DH with your little ladies