When do children have bodily autonomy? (for ear piercing, hair cutting etc)
The ear piercing thread got me thinking about bodily autonomy for our children. I noticed lots of people said 'when they're old enough to ask' while other people made guesses about the age their child would be old enough (generally 10-13) to make the decision for themselves. My question is, how old do you think a child should be before they have bodily autonomy ie can make decisions about their own bodies, with enough explanation for their age.
I had my ears pierced at 4 and I asked for them and I was told it hurt and I still wanted it. I loved them and still do now. My older sister asked at about 18 months and mum explained it would really hurt and squeezed her ear etc and she still wanted them. She sat still and had them done, didn't cry and loved them ever since.
There are other examples of bodily autonomy, such as children's hair. Most children have a hair cut by a certain age, and yet many don't think about infringing on their bodily autonomy by doing so.
Children's clothes is another one. Do you let your child wear whatever they want (within reason, such as weather considerations)?
I would just like to hear others discuss the age they consider a child old enough to make some of these decisions for themselves and why that is. As n2l said, everyones two cents makes the bright shiny dollar that is bb.
Age of legal autonomy: 16 or 18, depending on what it is.
Age of medical autonomy: depends on the mental abilities of the child. Technically 16, but not always.
I go with the mental skills one. Liebling is old enough to decide how he wants his hair and what he wants to wear. I can always pack a jumper for him, if he decides he's cold. He's old enough to help with chores and to help pick the menu for dinners.
He is NOT old enough to have his ears pierced! I know that no matter how well I have looked after piercings, they get infected. Every single time. I'm not having that happen to Liebs until he's out of the house and I don't have to cope with it. Cos I know full well he changes his mind about clothes/haircut/paintings in his bedroom/favourite superhero quickly enough! (That and I still control some of the aesthetics!)
I think anything that is permanent like piercing, tattoo etc they need to be old enough to take responsibility for their own care and understand the consequences and implications.
Hair cuts are a practicality until they can voice their preference, eg dd1 wanted to grow her fringe out at 4 so I let her. She has definite ideas of how she wants her hair for school each day which is fine as long as it complies with the school rules. She chooses her own clothes pretty much all the time now.
Dd2 is 3 and makes choices about clothes unless they are inappropriate weather wise. I try to guide her but she is very headstrong about these things!
DS is only 2.5 but chooses what he wants to wear. Unless we're going somewhere special, in which case, I'll give him a choice of two things so he's still choosing. He's not interested in much else yet thank goodness. But yes, if he was interested in a particular haircut, I'd probably say yes, within reason of course, I've already decided I'm not going to pay for my kids to have colours in their hair etc - mostly cos it's too darn expensive (and I don't have it).
Re piercings, Mum told me 13 to get mine done, then I bugged her too much and she made it 15 (she doesn't remember this). I then discovered I'd have to pay for it myself (lol) and didn't get it done til I was 20. Never regretted it.
Basically, I will make decisions to do things without my kids' consent if I deem it necessary for them - health, wellbeing, etc. So submitting to doctor's examinations, or having to wear a seat belt, etc, etc. If they want to make alterations to their body - and assuming it won't harm them (or anyone else) - then that's really up to them. It's their body. I think there is harm - however minimal - with piercings, which is why I'd prefer they were a bit older before making that decision.
Re clothes and hair - these things have no appreciable impact on myself or others, so I won't impose myself on my kids in these areas*. If it's freezing and they refuse a jumper, I'll pack one anyway just so I can be smugmumwhoknowsbest.
*Ok, I admit it, I pester my son about wearing underpants.
My kids pick their clothes and have a slight say in haircut. Once they can fully understand the situation and we as parents are ok within then we go from there.
medical autonomy is often well before the age of 16. 12 and 13 is not unusual for getting access to the contraceptive pill without parental knowledge if they are deemed Gillick competent. At that age, however, I would hope my child would still want to confide in me.
For things like haircuts I would say much, much, younger. My DS2 had a mohawk shaved for his first day of prep, and chose to have an ear pierced at 6. DS1 chose to have long hair (like his hero, Justin Barcia) at 6 and chose to shave it all off at 7. The only one I am a bit stricter with is girltwin and I know this is complete gender stereotyping but she cut all her hair off when she was 3 and it broke my heart, so now I won't let her have it shorter than a chin length bob. At least until she is a bit older because I like little girls to have long hair, and I know that she enjoys wearing bows and things in her hair so I think she would regret shaving it off (which she has asked to do in the past).
For clothes they all have complete freedom as long as what they choose is appropriate for the weather and clean. Clashing fabrics, gumboots and fairy dresses, pirate outfits to daycare have all been done. They have to wear school uniform 5 days out of 7 (once they are at school) so I encourage self expression outwith those restrictions.
My children have some bodily autonomy from birth. I talk to them about anything I physically need to do for them. I treat them and their bodies with respect. As soon as they are able to do physical tasks themselves, they do it. DD1 has dressed herself and chosen her own clothes from toddlerhood (I encourage colour matching and weather appropriate, but 'encourage' is the word). I still buy her clothes, although I do sometimes take her with me to choose. She brushes her own hair, chooses how she wants it done and then i finish it off for her. She washes herself, as soon as she was toilet trained and didn't want my help I let her take care of that too.
What DD1 does with her body is her choice. I would step in if it was hurtful or unhealthy, but that's never happened. She didn't want her hair cut until last year, so that was when she had it cut for the first time. She just asked again, so I'll take her. She hasn't asked for piercings, but when she does, I will explain what it entails and let her choose. She's been given earrings and still hasn't asked.
There are some decisions I make for them. Vaxxing, for eg. But even when making decisions they are not yet capable of managing, I respect that I am doing it on their behalf.
Piercings/tattoos - once they're out of the house or 18 they can, as long as they pay for it with their own money. I got my ears done at 9 and regretted it within about a month, took them out and loathe the holes in my ears, honestly I wish I'd never asked my parents to pierce my ears. I've had other piercings, all of them have been taken out. I have 4 tattoos and plans for more, so they will see those on me and some of my besties.
Clothing/haircuts/colours - whenever and whatever they want. I don't think there is a colour I've not had my hair, or a length of hair/cut. Clothing - I'd only probably step in dependent on weather or if there was a dress code for where we're going (as in formal wedding etc). I was a strong willed child when it came to haircuts, colour and clothing and don't expect anything else less from my progeny.
From birth for a lot of things unless it's to do with safety. My little fashionista has been choosing what she wore sine 18 months. I don't even buy her clothes unless she has said she likes it, no point she knows what she likes. Ear piercing, haven't had to cross that one yet, but as long as I believed she fully understood the pain and responsibility then I would let her.
There are so many issues though in their autonomy. For example & please don't be offended if you don't agree it's just my preference. I dont believe in feeding mushy food on a spoon into a my babies mouths. I believe if they want to eat they will pick it up and put in their own mouth. That is there choice & their mouth. I think my issue is actually with the whole forcing something into their mouth, I can't stand it. My DH tried it once with DS cause everyone kept telling him it's why he wouldn't sleep through the night, hunger. It made me feel sick watching him stick spoonful after spoonful without the poor thing barley having a chance to swallow. It didn't work. So there are so many areas where people have different views on autonomy & probably no standard age as every circumstance would vary. But haircuts and ear piercing, I would try to impart some wisdom / info on the matter but ultimately it's their body. My DH would think very differently on this, so there is going to be discussion about this in our house.
I tend to agree about feeding, also. It is a source of great anxiety for many parents, though, so I do empathise with those who try to encourage more eating! My husband has only recently let go of the idea that our kids need to eat lots to sleep - there really has never been any correlation between the two things for either of them!
I remember trying to force my son to feed when he was a little baby and I thought he needed more - we ended up with breast refusal! It does often backfire.
Thanks for all the replies. I'm starting to wonder if a lot of the issue is trust in the child's own judgement, like they will eat when hungry. It's always those small exceptions though that seem to dominate discussions
When do children have bodily autonomy? (for ear piercing, hair cutting etc)
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