Does anyone have any websites or books they could recommend for step parenting?
DP and I have 4 kids between us - he has 2 DD's 13 and 14 from his first marriage and I have a DS 8 from my first marriage and we have a DD 2.9 together.
We have 3 main issues:
• DP feels that my DS doesn't respect him or listen to him so in return he speaks rather snarky to him. This upsets DS as he feels that DP is always speaking angrily to him and I agree which makes me step in and pull DP up because DS is a very sensitive kid that suffered anxiety thanks to my poor choice of father... DS loves DP but is starting to resent the way he is spoken to..
• DP's DD 13 HATES me. She is an incredibly manipulative child and despite my trying to be her friend for years, I just get the attempts slapped back in my face. She doesn't like coming here and has issues because she isn't favorited and treated like a princess. I think it's getting to a point where we are both barely tolerating each other and it's not right. DP feels a lot of anger and guilt about this because he feels he hasn't protected her.
• DP is very jealous of the close bond that his DD 14 and I share. He feels she loves me more and is only living with us because of me. I can't step away from my girl as it would break her heart...
Please no judgement - we know these are big issues which is why we are looking for solutions... TIA!
Last edited by Glamoreyez; May 9th, 2012 at 12:04 AM.
: 3 times I've tried to edit because it keeps saving only a 1/4 of my post!!
it's so hard! I went looking for some too - for my DSD.....
let me think about it can come back here....
Oh... just thought of one....
There's a step parenting organisation in victoria that may have some info Stepfamilies Australia
also there might be some resources at a shop called Peoplemaking - which has a website... or Open Leaves - both in Melbourne, but they have an online catalogue you can search by topic, which may give you a few more ideas.
I find the most important thing is that I make a conscious decision about how I am going to act around DSD10, and I make sure that I am the adult and role model what I want her to be like... in the hope that she will be able to learn from that....
having said that - we get on pretty well and her mother is a loon (yep.. that's a technical word,... lol) no really - she does have a diagnosed personality disorder, so we need to be available to DSD without making judgements and putting mum down... it's hard sometimes!!!
Was there anything in particular you were finding difficult???
If I think of anything else I'll get back to you....
I really struggle with DSD 13 - she is so manipulative and almost a compulsive liar. If I ask her to do anything, she never does it or she will half heartedly look like giving it a go and stuff it up.
I also struggle with how DP treats my DS. I know they love each other but it's the constant tone DP uses with him that bothers me because I know it hurts DS.
sounds like the best thing might be for both you and DP to do the step parent course that stepfamily association runs... it's good training and gets the bio parent and the step parent to think about what kind of parent they want to be and how to make it work as a team. You'd have to come into Melb probably, but..... might be worth the discussion.
maybe as DP doesn't have any sons of his own it seems like he's different because DS is not his... but maybe he is just being that way because DS is a boy..... we can all be different with children due to the sex of the child... and maybe he is just being a 'dad' and doesn't realise what he is like - and it doesn't really matter how much you tell him it's not going to work... he's not going to get it, cause you're just a girl and he can't see it from the outside
frustrating when the DSD's are manipulative - it can be hard to unpack whether it is normal teenage stuff, or whether it is because you are a step parent..... I find that hard sometimes.... is she looking at me thinking, why should I listen to you.... (which I know she will say one day!) or is it just because she doesn't want to listen... like any kid would.
It's hard being 13 - hormones are running around, but you don't even realise you are being unreasonable and silly. You might just need to keep being calm and not taking her behaviour personally, not giving her the reaction, and if she misbehaves, calmly saying, you're sorry, but the consequence of not listening is......
I have a three step strategy......
1. "Please stop...... (talking/yelling/swearing)" OR "can you please put away the dishes"
2. "I already asked you once, please put away the dishes, if you don't have it done in the next 5 minutes there will be no television tonight"
3. "I've asked you twice to put away the dishes, and unfortunately you have chosen to skip TV tonight - that's a shame"
You HAVE to stay calm, and talk politely and in a relaxed manner and you MUST follow through....
if she starts complaining and causing a stink, you start again at step 1
1. "please stop complaining"
2. "I've already asked you to stop complaining once, if you continue, you will not be able to watch TV or have your iPod/laptop/phone tonight"
etc etc etc....
(the consequence needs to be sufficiently motivating of course!!! and you MUST MUST MUST follow through and stay CALM (as best you can!! - if you do 'crack it', no use beating yourself up - just make sure you apologise when you have calmed down, cause that is good role modelling and you want to practice what you preach - it is even more important with step kids to show them that you are not immune to emotions and you respect them enough to treat them with respect and fairly)
Hmmm I'm just not sure about my DS. Everyone says he is harder on him than the girls...
I did see the course and must say I was rather excited by it... Have already discussed it with DP and he likes the idea so we are going to start saving...
DSD - there is so much back story. He mother is the most manipulative woman I have ever met. It's actually quite sickening how manipulative she can be. My eldest step daughter came to live with us 3 years ago because she could no longer tolerate the games her mother plays which left DSD2 by herself.
DSD is almost a compulsive liar. She is constantly caught out but still does it. She even tried convincing DP I was physically hurting her while he was at work! I have NEVER and will never lay a hand on my kids! She wants to be treated like baby or a princess like the rest of family does because she is small and cute but I try to treat everyone equally (obviously failing ATM!) She thinks she is above everything and when she is punished she doesn't care.
I guess the best way to describe it is take a normal 13 yr olds behaviors and times it by at least 10. The lies, the attitudes, the manipulating. Everything.
She still deliberately hurts the younger 2, tries to tell strangers, people we just met and friends and family that I beat her! Never ever listens to me properly, if she listens at all. If DP and I argue over whatever, she will wait 15 mins and go to him in tears saying I said or did something horrible. It's gotten to the point I make sure there is someone around at all times so I have witness nothing happened.
DP and I have been together 7 years now and it's just slowly getting worse. She knows what buttons to push and I let her. Not healthy. It's not been any different from day 1. My anxiety peaks when it comes time for her to visit and I want to enjoy my family - not have anxiety...
I have no experience in all this whatsoever but could you all sit down when you are together and set some ground rules for everyone, around speaking respectfully, talking about how it feels to be a blended family, that you ARE a blended family and need to work together to make it work. Get the kids to input as much as they can, and talk about it and the "rules" if you like. Do you all live together permanently? Either way a family meeting would be a good way to air how everyone is feeling, and talk about what needs to be done as well. We do a "best part of your day" chat at dinnertime which works well (younger kids though) but I feel it gives them a chance to have a voice when everyone is attentive and listening. I may be way off the mark in which case I do hope you find something that helps hun - must be really tough
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