How do you process regret?

[LimeSlice]

A bit jumbled in my head at the minute, and some things are getting to me, can't really go into it much, but it got me pondering regret, and how one deals with feelings of regret.

We have all, I am sure, had that conversation with our parents that ended with "one day you will regret it and you will wish you had done/said/been..." So what happens when the many years down the path, and indeed, you find with much backhanded amusement that they were right, and you have done something you can't change and you do regret it and it is effecting your life now?

How do you process regret? How do you deal with being on the downside of a decision(s) you made moons ago that are unchangeable now? When you can't go back or do it over, but are left to deal with life as it is now, how do you get past the "FFS, I am so stupid" and the self-blame?

Does that make sense?... Like I said, trying to hash some issues out here and a bit jumbled.

[Butterfly Dawn]

that makes sense.
self forgiveness is perhaps the hardest thing to learn.
for me I try work out what I want to happen. Then how to change what's effecting me. I find action is the best way to release regret.

if its not something that can be fixed or changed, then I run through the scenario in my head how I would have liked it to go. then work on release and forgiveness and actively putting it out of my mind.

I also believe in fate and that we are where we should be

be gentle on yours, your human and meant to make mistakes

[~Kaz~]

This is hard.

I try to remind myself that I did what I knew at the time, what I thought best, given what I knew then. And now that I know better, I do better.

I also try to remember that the most well rounded people, have not lived a life without regret, or hardship, or mistakes. That we learn best from mistakes and poor decisions and that those regretful decisions I've made, have helped me too in some way.

[peanutter]

I find that sort of thing can just do your head in, especially because even if we had done/said/been whatever, we've got no actual way of knowing how things would have ended up ...

So in terms of processing regret, I'm not sure that I do ...

There are some things I would like to have done differently - but doing them differently may or may not have meant that I had a better - or even different - end state of play.

Some things I perhaps would do differently anyway (spending more time with loved ones before they died, not doing or saying things which ended up hurting people I love, whatever) but flaws and all, the bundle of actions and inactions and wins and mistakes that have happened along the way have made me "me" ... and so on I plod ...

[sushee]

I am pretty good at letting go of regret. There are many things I regret, but I tend to then ask myself what path that choice set me on, and I try to take the lesson and make something of it. I guess I'm not a wallower, and even when times were hard and I wish I hadn't set down that path, I try to think of how it's enriched me, or at worst, how it's made me become the person I am as a result. And I guess because I kinda like the person I am, I can't feel any real deep regret for the things that have shaped me.

[Mak]

I think it is easy to idealise how you think scenarios would have played out but like PP's have said you cannot be certain, maybe at best you can predict other eventualities but that is as close as you'll get. I try to remember that the coulds, woulds and shoulds all fit into this group. Try to be kind to yourself too - hindsight can make everything seem simple when it may not have been at the time.

[LionsandBears]

Time and a fair bit of hard work. You know that irritating old saying, take a hard look at yourself? Well, that applies to learning from our mistakes.

I've done things I regret. A few years ago I may have still felt embarrassed/bad/self loathing about it. Now I can look back and think, we'll that's who I was then and those are the choices I made. I lived with the consequences, but, more importantly, I did something about it. Sooner or later, I left that relationship, job, friendship. Physically or emotionally or both. Even when I thought I wouldn't survive, that I'd never have another job or relationship or whatever. At some stage, I stood up for myself or someone else and said no, this is wrong. And made a change.

I can't unmake the past. I cant predict the future, but I can influenece it by what I do in the present. Do you know the serenity prayer?

god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference

Easy words to write and say. Bloody hard to put into practice. I may not be religious, but sometimes I've had to learn to let go and hand stuff over to a higher power. I cannot change that person, what happened in the past, that situation. I cannot take back words said in anger, but I can try to put right what matters to me. I've disowned family and regained them again. I can't take back the hurt I caused but I can prevent causing more in future.

i suppose also, I can look back now and tell myself: You thought you wouldn't survive, but see you did. You met a better man, you got a better job, you have gained better friends. You've become a better person.

Those choices I made may have been bad but they weren't the end of the world either.

I think if you regret without purpose, without action or without learning something about yourself, then it's a waste of energy. If you can say, I regret this, but I have learnt X or I will try to learn Y, then you learn to live with it. You learn to forgive yourself and eventually, you learn to forgive others.

[Cassius2]

I've done things I regret. A few years ago I may have still felt embarrassed/bad/self loathing about it. Now I can look back and think, we'll that's who I was then and those are the choices I made. I lived with the consequences, but, more importantly, I did something about it. Sooner or later, I left that relationship, job, friendship. Physically or emotionally or both. Even when I thought I wouldn't survive, that I'd never have another job or relationship or whatever. At some stage, I stood up for myself or someone else and said no, this is wrong. And made a change.

Yep. and Yep. Try to turn that regret into a positive, it has set you on this path, one that includes awakening and realisation. Dude, seriously, some people go through an entire lifetime without the chance to ponder or process their regret and to me, that is far worse than finding yourself in a situation now, where there is a chance to make a positive change from a decision made long ago. I guess this is what learning and growing is all about. and it certainly doesnt stop once we get through puberty or graduate from school etc!...learning is life-long. it's what we ultimately choose to do with it that really matters

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I have things in my life - big things - I could regret. That could haunt me every day.

And if I had done things differently, so I didn't have the regrets I do... would I be happy? Would I be married to the Ambassador, would I have Liebling? Would I have my nice house in the nice village? Would I have my friends? Would I have my comically insulting MiL (who hasn't said anything inappropriate for quite a long time and I'm missing it)?

I also look at the regrets I'd have if I changed my actions so I didn't have my regrets. If I chose the school I wanted over the school my mother wanted, yes, I'd have done better at school. I would not have needed a year out to find a university place (maybe) and would have had help for my home life (again, maybe). Different university choice, never met the ambassador. So can't regret that choice when I was 11.

If I'd have said "no, I am not putting up with this" and sought help with my mother earlier... my mother would have had a breakdown and it would be my fault, not willing to live with that. Yes, she was (and is) abusive but I'm not, and that's the difference. Plus I don't want to deal with the family backlash. Also, I wouldn't have been driven to go into teaching and child safeguarding, so wouldn't have my career now. Without my career, I wouldn't have the house I do. And I like my house. Plus we wouldn't be talking about Stormageddon happening "soon" as I'd still be in a low-paid job.

So although I regret things, I cannot change them so I will not - short of inventing a time machine "will not change the past" isn't that hard anyway. And I don't want to change them. The things I regret haven't made life easy, but they have made life the way it is. And life isn't bad right now. It isn't easy and there are struggles, but it will be good again.

[LionsandBears]

It isn't easy and there are struggles, but it will be good again.

I think this is really important to understand. Life isn't orderly or fair. Bad things happen to good people. Sometimes randomly and sometimes as a result of choices we make.

If I could go back and change some of my choices, maybe I would be a successful author with living children, making loads of dosh and paying most of it in child support to some douche of a sperm donor. Or maybe I would have been killed in a car accident or become a drug addict or drowned or been raped and murdered or won the lottery or travelled around the world. The thing is, we'll never know about what happened in the parallel universes where we made different choices. All we can do is deal with the what we've said and done as best we can now.

[Three Graces]

Don't forget, your parents had more life experience/insight when they said those words and nobody goes through life without making the wrong decisions at times. As to how to process it? I guess forgiving yourself and deciding not to repeat history.

[fionas]

I've made some bad decisions in my life. But they're only bad with the benefit of hindsight. And they weren't THAT bad. Yes, I shouldn't have married at 23. I should have taken my time so eliminating the need for divorce and rushing into a relationship at 36 with DP and with my biological clock ticking. That may or may not turn out to have been a mistake.

So I kind of envy my friends who took their time to choose the right person, first time and look like they will have long-lasting marriages with the father of their children.

BUT.

I've reconciled myself to the fact that maybe I'm not destined to have a simple life. But I kind of like having an interesting life. It's led me from the UK to here with two beautiful children and it's led me from a family where no-one finished school to having two degrees under my belt and a third on the way.

I've a long way to go but my life experiences have given me some insight into life and some emotional wisdom I hope. These are valuable things that I hope I can pass on to my girls.

I could also regret not really reaching my potential (yet) career-wise. Instead of looking at how far I should have got given my supreme intelligence , these days I choose to look at how far I've come. I've forgiven myself and acknowledged that my family background and education didn't really give me much of a chance but I've done pretty well with the cards I was dealt. And I still have 20 years to have a go.

I do like the Buddhist philosophy which is that life is full of change and the key is acceptance. So I guess what I'm saying is that I accept that I've made some bad decisions but I've forgiven myself and choose to look to the future.

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I wouldn't recommend how I do it. I beat myself with it for years and years and years, and passively let it affect my self esteem and relationships, before very slowly hiking my way out of the hole I've dug for myself.

As I said, I wouldn't recommend that. I now try to just make sure it doesn't happen again, and suck all the learning I can from it, so it's not a totally wasted experience. Some lessons are harder to learn than others.

[beansbeans!]

When I start having a regret, I actually question why its a regret. Is it something that I can change now? Is it something that needs closure? would that help me or others involved? If yes then I will try and 'fix' it.

However, a lot fo the time I need to remind myself that regrets are pointless. Every decision, step, commitment I have made in my life has got me to where I am today. I have in most cases learnt from the things that I regret from time to time and so long as I acknowledge those lessons, and make sure I dont repeat the past.

If I am not happy in my current situation and I am regretful of the decisions I have made then its time to re-evaluate and move in another direction.

[Beach Mama]

I found alot of mine ended up being linked to my anxiety so dealing with some of it through counselling helped me. Also because through my work on anxiety and panic attacks I focus on the present, can't do anything about the past and part of that control of needing to know what is coming in the future but not being able to so I HAVE to get to a place where I accept where I am at. I trust that everything I have done, even the stupid awful things that I regret alot have shaped who I am and where I am in my life now. If I COULD go back would I change it? Yep I definitely would with some things but others, meh. I also had to accept the fallout for many years, and even now of some choices I made in the past but again I try and look at it positively and the fact that we are all human, we all make mistakes, nobody is perfect, nobody goes through faultlessly through life and moving through and focusing on the choices we do have an effect on in the future is what I try to look at.