The mobile phone I don't want.

**~clover~** · December 10th, 2012, 08:00 PM

DD1 isn't a teen yet, but is 11 next year. She doesn't have facebook, email, a phone, computer etc etc. The phone was possibly going to be a high school thing.
A 10/11 year old does not NEED a phone. I've been very clear with my oppinions on this for years. Forever!

Ex doesn't agree. He did, but since I left he's said he was going to get her a phone. 12 months later it hadn't happened, but I've come over from WA for christmas & the kids spent last night at ex's.

He handed her $50 to buy her own phone.

I'm ****ed. And I have a dilemma. Do I buy her the phone or not? I'd say no, but what do I tell her? And I know if I don't I'll get abuse from him & accused of taking the money for myself

Or do I let go of everything I believe about the whole situation & buy the damn phone? To me its the start of a childs innocence being lost. I don't know if anyone else understands what I mean by that, but, for us, in our situation, unless she NEEDS a phone, why have one? She'll never be able to have credit, I can barely afford my own. Do I say fine, but dad has to pay for credit?

His excuse is that I don't let them ring him. I stopped paying for phone calls when he refused to pay child support (still not happening), & when he started telling my kids things they didn't need to know (my brother was assaulted, we told them he hit his head. They're kids. Ex told her what really happened...)

So this is all about being the awesome parent who does NOTHING behind the scenes. I don't want to break her heart over this. She has wanted one for years...

Help??

**little_O** · December 10th, 2012, 08:04 PM

Hard one.

I'm with you on it not being necessary. I got a phone in year 12 because my parents felt it was now important for safety etc.

He has put you in a tough position. I think I would be inclined to say sure you can buy one, but be honest. I can't afford to give you regular credit, barely can afford mine. See what she thinks. Also, it would be important to just go over all the pros and cons. It does end a bit of innocence. I can vouch for that.

**leckert** · December 10th, 2012, 08:05 PM

A suggestion (I'm not there yet with my boys but I'm a secondary teacher)
Buy a text/phone only cheap phone (no camera/Internet capability - ie not a smartphone) and ex to pay credit - if he's serious about needing the kids to ring him (why can't he ring?

<- that's for you so you don't have to hit your head too hard

)

**FabFiona** · December 10th, 2012, 08:06 PM

I'd give him the $50 back, even if its out of your pocket. I agree, it's not worth the hassle and it doesn't sound like you can afford to maintain it. Tell him you'll buy her one out of the first child support payment he makes.

**leckert** · December 10th, 2012, 08:08 PM

Actually I like fabfiona's suggestion better than mine

**nothing2lose** · December 10th, 2012, 08:11 PM

Can you even buy a phone for $50?????? Maybe keep the money, take her to a phone shop and have a look with her. She'll see that the phones are much more expensive than $50. (Unless I'm wrong). Then suggest to her she might like something else.

**Catastrophic** · December 10th, 2012, 08:17 PM

Can you even buy a phone for $50?????? Maybe keep the money, take her to a phone shop and have a look with her. She'll see that the phones are much more expensive than $50. (Unless I'm wrong). Then suggest to her she might like something else.

You can get really cheap ones for under that these days. But they do nothing. Which is probably a really good thing for someone as young as she is!

I wouldn't do it. Stand your ground your the one that will have to deal with her crying over not having any credit.

**~clover~** · December 10th, 2012, 08:18 PM

Yeah, I have a smart phone from woolies I got for $50. Thats all I can afford for a phone for MYSELF!! Can you still get phones with no net, etc?

**myturn** · December 10th, 2012, 08:19 PM

I second what N2L says as one option...

but my first instinct was to say ...

"sorry, no, in this house she is not having a phone, if you would like her to have one in your house when she is visiting there, then that is your perogative, but I am not having one for an 11 y/o here..... yes, I am being difficult, but during my contact time I parent her my way, during your contact time you can parent her your way....".

The fact that they don't spend much time with him means she will barely use it anyway, and yes you will seem mean, but.... it's not a mum's job to be nice...

but if that seems too hard... then go with N2l's idea.... it's sneaky manipulative and passive aggressive, and I love it

(FX it works of course!!)

**little_O** · December 10th, 2012, 08:26 PM

Whoa! Sorry I misread that! I thought it was YEAR 10/11 not an actual 10/11 year OLD!!

Hell no stand your ground! WAY too dangerous!

**BlackCat** · December 10th, 2012, 08:34 PM

Just putting it out there but you could buy it on the proviso that he is responsible for credit - it is only given to her to be used to call him in a public area you can supervise and it only gets turned on at predesignated times to make or accept his calls. This will be what happens with my 6 year old. Its not that I want him to have a phone, its the reality of our situation.

**~clover~** · December 10th, 2012, 08:40 PM

Thats a good idea too blackcat. I might go with that one. Get her to get a $30 cheapy & let her have the other $20 to spend.

**~clover~** · December 15th, 2012, 05:55 AM

Well, I just told her a straight out no. I honestly figure if I allow this when its something I feel so strongly about, then I'm basically allowing her to think that any time I say no, all she has to do is get a yes from dad & all is good. No way.
At this point in time he has no rights to the decision making in their lives. None at all. You need to be an actual parent for that right.

**Heaven** · December 15th, 2012, 06:16 AM

I think you did the right thing clover. No way would I be getting my 11yo a phone. He has no input in their lives any other time so he can forget making these decisions.

**Ilithyia** · December 15th, 2012, 07:56 AM

I was having this conversation in my head the other day actually.

The little girl who loves across the road from where we are staying is 10 (also 11 next year) has a mobile phone.

Since the girls have been playing with her a lot, B is always trying to play with my phone.

I was thinking to myself, 10 is way to young to have a mobile IMO. I feel it gives them an independence they shouldn't have at that age.

I was 17 when I had my first mobile and it wasn't even mine, it was DP's which we shared.

I think 14-15 is a good age as this the age they would start to venture out on their own and need the phone should they need help or to be picked up etc.

I think your in the right by not wanting to give it to her. Let her have her innocence a while longer I say.

**AngelPants** · December 15th, 2012, 09:03 AM

Stand your ground hun.
I had one at 13 but I was catching 4 buses a day commuting to & from school so it was a safety thing and I had very strict rules on use.

**forshelby** · December 15th, 2012, 09:41 AM

It's a tough one. I think it depends on the childs maturity level. In this situation, I'd probably say fine, but dad can pay for credit.

If she's been good, and has been pestering for years, I figure it can't really hurt for her to have it. Sure, she doesn't need it..... but letting her have it doesn't mean you're changing your beliefs. Just allowing her to do her thing, despite what you would prefer. It's not like it's a rifle....